Dumb and Dumber

Lloyd: [upon hearing Petey's death] Ohh...! That's it. I've had it with this dump! We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF! Harry: Okay, just calm down! Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry?! We gotta get outta this town! Harry: Yeah, and go where, huh? Where are we gonna go? Lloyd: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen. Harry: I don't know, Lloyd, the French are assholes. Wait a minute. [gets up from his chair] Wait a minute! I know what you're up to, mister. Yeah! You just wanna go to Aspen and find that girl who lost her briefcase and you need me to drive you there, right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right, Lloyd? Lloyd: Yeah, so? Yeah! So? So I wanna go someplace where we know somebody who can plug us into the social pipeline. Harry: No! No, no, no, no, Lloyd! No! I say we stay here, we hunt f

Dumb and Dumber, CC BY-SA 4.0

Lloyd: I'm only human, Harry! Anybody can make a mistake. Come on! Stop bein' a baby! So we backtracked a tad! Harry: A TAD?!! (he furiously runs up to Lloyd) A tad, Lloyd?! You drove almost a 6th of the way across the country in the wrong... DIRECTION!!! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen! We don't have enough money to get home! We don't have enough money to eat! We don't have enough money... TO SLEEP!! Lloyd: Well, it's not gonna do us any good to sit here whinin' about it. We're in a hole. We're just gonna have to dig ourselves out. Harry: (nods unhappily) Okay. Right. You're right. You're absolutely right, Lloyd. Lloyd: Where ya goin'? Harry: Home. I'm walking home! Lloyd: Oh! Well, pardon me, Mr. PERFECT!!! (nervously laughs) I guess I forgot that you never, ever make a mistake!

Dumb and Dumber, CC BY-SA 4.0

Joe: (sees a note on Harry and Lloyd's door) Those rat bastards. They're rubbin' it right in our faces. Shay: Man! Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrage if we don't get that briefcase back! Joe: They must've been followin' us for weeks. Shay: Why ya say? Joe: "Gas Man". How the hell do they know that I got gas? Shay: They gotta be pros. Joe: Don't worry. We're gonna get that money back. And I'll tell you somethin' else. They ain't never gettin' to Aspen. I'm gonna see to that. [crumples the note]

Dumb and Dumber, CC BY-SA 4.0

Harry: Hey, where'd you get those? Lloyd: I bought them when we filled up. Harry: We're supposed to talk about our expenditures, Lloyd. We're on a very tight budget. Lloyd: This didn't come out of our travel fund. I was able to raise twenty-five extra bucks before we left. Harry: Where did you get twenty-five extra bucks? Lloyd: I sold some stuff to Billy in 4C. Harry: The blind kid?! Lloyd: Yeah! ... Yeah. Harry: What did you sell him, Lloyd? Lloyd: Stuff. Harry: What kind of stuff? Lloyd: I dunno. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles. (fake coughs) Petey. Harry: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?! Lloyd!! What are you -?! Petey didn't even have a head! Lloyd: Harry. I took care of it

Dumb and Dumber, CC BY-SA 4.0

Joe: [after punching the guy behind him while he is on the phone with Nicholas] I'm sorry, Mr. Andre. You were saying? Nicholas: Look, Mental. Those jokers have got a lot of money that belongs to me! I wanna know who they are and what they're doing with it! Joe: Hey, hey, hey. I told you already, I'm on it. Alright? Nicholas: Good. [Hangs up and drinks his cup]

Dumb and Dumber, CC BY-SA 4.0

Joe: [on the phone with Nicholas] Yeah, it's Mental. I'm just sitting down to a nice meal with our boys. Nicholas: Oh, how nice for you. Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left! Look, I can't have these guys runnin' around Aspen! Joe: Don't worry. They ain't gonna be runnin' around nowhere after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.

Dumb and Dumber, CC BY-SA 4.0