Quotes

See One, Do One, Teach One [1.01]

Rizzoli: I'm sorry, did the vacuum wake you? Marissa: No, no! I was up studying. Rizzoli: Come in, come in. How's law school? Marissa: Awful. Remind me again why I wanted to be a lawyer. Rizzoli: [laughs] I know, right? Where the hell was I on career day? Marissa: Just making sure you're okay. Rizzoli: Yeah. Why would you ask? Marissa: You always vacuum when you have a tough case. Rizzoli: Huh. Rizzoli: Did you ever like the same guy as your best friend? Isles: No. Rizzoli: Did you ever have a best friend? Isles: No. Rizzoli: You'd tell me if you were a cyborg, right? Isles: No, I don't think I would. Rizzoli: [laughs] Isles: I'm not seeing him. [referring to FBI Agent Dean] Rizzoli: Yet. Isles: Somebody should, don't you think? Rizzoli: Yep. Isles: Should we draw straws? Rizzoli: Couldn't we just show him our tits and let him decide? [they laugh] Isles: Who is Henry Deduboto? Rizzoli: Ted Bundy! Isles: That's... five letters too many for that anagram. Rizzoli: How do you do that?! Riz

Boston Strangler Redux [1.02]

Rizzoli: Was she dead before she was tossed? Isles: I'd be guessing. Rizzoli: I won't tell. Isles: Ballpark, two hours? Detective: Ballpark? I guess I do owe you dinner. Isles: I love modern Foie de veau. Rizzoli: Oh, my God, you're flirting over a dead body. Isles: When else am I going to do it? Isles: Do you want to know what I'm thinking? Rizzoli: [sarcastically] It's so weird, I do! Isles: I think I know why you're making such a big deal that Grant's your new boss. Rizzoli: I don't want to know what you're thinking! Isles: You two like each other! Rizzoli: No! Do you know what that ass used to call me? Frog face! It's not funny, Maura! No! Isles: [laughing] It's not funny. Rizzoli: I'm not a frog face! Isles: Of course. No! Frost: Korsak's calling me BBK. Barfbag kid. Crow's leaving plastic puke everywhere. Isles: You're not the first detective to be sickened by death. You just have to find your morgue legs. Frost: I read a study that said people can conquer this kind of thing with

Sympathy for the Devil [1.03]

Isles: He's got a lot of pulp. Rizzoli: Juice, we say guys got juice. Isles: Well you're gonna be drinking yours out of a sippy cup if you don't lower your voice! Isles: Look at that. [gazes at Jane's sandwich] Is it okay? Rizzoli: Yeah! Isles: [lifts half the sandwich and examines it] Look at this! What is that white substance? Rizzoli: Fluff. Isles: Light, downy particles of cotton? Rizzoli: It's marshmallow, and the brown substance is called peanut butter. It's ground up, heavy, oily particles of peanuts. What, they didn't have that in your fancy boarding school? Isles: This is really good! Isles: Haven't you ever been afraid of anything? Rizzoli: Uh, witches! My family went to Salem when I was little. Isles: See, you were very impressionable. Rizzoli: Yes, I had to sleep with a night light. Why, what were you scared of? Isles: Chromobacterium violaceum. Rizzoli: What's that? Isles: It's a flesh-eating bacteria. It crawls inside your ear or your nose and it starts eating you from th

She Works Hard for the Money [1.04]

Angela: So, you know, I never told you, but I'd be really good at solving cases. Isles: Well, the forensic sciences can be quite complicated. Angela: A little common sense goes a long way. I read so many crime novels and always know who did it. Rizzoli: Thank you, Agatha Christie. Stay in the car. Angela: I won't embarrass you! Rizzoli: Thirty years of experience says otherwise. Isles: Two centimeter singular gunshot wound, mid-chest. Rizzoli: I bet we're looking for a 9mm. [looks defensive when Dr. Isles looks at her in exasperation] I'll have ballistics confirm, I just like to guess! [pause] And I'm usually right! Rizzoli: [looks at a sandwich] Is this from the good fridge or the dead people fridge? Isles: [smiles] Cold air is cold air. Rizzoli: How old is it? No, don't tell me! I'm too hungry. Rizzoli: Dr. Maura Isles: knuckle deep in germy bar snacks. I'm shocked. Isles: Oh, I had representative samples tested. Bacteria count fell within acceptable limits. Do you want one? Rizzoli:

Money for Nothing [1.05]

Rizzoli: [looking at a large mansion owned by the Fairfield family] Holy crap! Isles: The castle in Scotland is much bigger. The place on the Cape is beautiful, too. Rizzoli: You could have been a Fairfield. How did we not know this?! Isles: Could you stop saying that? Frost: Whooooo. This is a Spyker C8 Laviolette! That's 400 horses up under there! I don't see these in magazines. Isles: Garrett's here. He's always liked the finer things in life. Rizzoli: Yeah. He liked you. Isles: What's your take? Korsak: My take is that you are the chief medical examiner and this is not your first floater. Isles: It is my, uh, forty third. Yes, my forty third. Korsak: I've been a cop a long time. I know when people aren't telling me the whole story. Isles: Jane's mad at me! Korsak: Oh, boy. Isles: She thinks I'm being biased because I'm acquainted with the family. Korsak: Acquainted? I heard it was a little more than that. Isles: It was. Korsak: That's not it, though. When you grow up like Jane you'

I Kissed a Girl [1.06]

Rizzoli: The pager's totaled. Isles: That's not a pager. It's a glucose management system; insulin pump. She was diabetic. [looks at the victim's hand] Huh. Yeah, needle sticks. She probably had to check her glucose level about five to ten times a day. [leafs through a small notebook] Yeah, she kept careful records. Her last glucose level reading was over four hundred. Rizzoli: Is that good or bad? Isles: It's extremely high. Rizzoli: Is that good or bad? Rizzoli: I thought you said you couldn't lie! Isles: What do you mean? I can't! Rizzoli: You did! Isles: Only one time when I said I'd finished my homework and I hadn't. I immediately went vasovagal. Fainted. Rizzoli: Maybe I should be a lesbian. Isles: Aw. Well, wishes can come true. Frost and Korsak wanted to fill out your profile. I typed. Rizzoli: You what? Isles: If it wasn't for me, you'd be butch. Rizzoli: You put my photo and profile on a gay dating website? Isles: It's the best shot at getting DNA and breaking this case. Rizz

Born to Run [1.07]

Isles: We're running for a charity! Professionals for Underprivileged Kids of Excellence. We're a team! Rizzoli: Team P.U.K.E.?! Isles: Yes, that is an unfortunate acronym. Frankie Jr.: At least you're not a hot dog. Or a mustard. Rizzoli: Stay out of this. Listen, I said I would do this because we said that we wanted to do something together, but I am not running as Lady P.U.K.E. Gaga! No! Isles: Oh. I'm sorry. I should have realized. I didn't -- I'm sorry. Rizzoli: Holy, crap! You're going to cry on me! Isles: No, I'm trying not to, it's just that my amygdala and my lacrimal gland have a connection that I can't really control. Rizzoli: Honey, there is no way in hell I am taking this off. I'm already running twenty-six miles with a camel toe. Isles: Can you at least take off that baggy tee? Oh, come on! I'll let you walk up Heartbreak Hill! Rizzoli: Oh, I'm walking Heartbreak. You're going to have to do better than that. Isles: Okay. Name it. Rizzoli: The next reddish brown stain you

I'm Your Boogie Man [1.08]

Isles: [examining a dead body on a park bench] Body temp is low. He's been sitting here a while. Rizzoli: [observing what the body is holding] It's today's paper. Was he reading the stock pages and slit his own throat? Isles: There's something very odd about the edges of the wound. Rizzoli: Well, yeah, the whole thing's odd! I mean, there's no blood. There's no sign of struggle. What, death by a sharp nap?! Isles: The darkening of the nasojugal fold indicates fatigue and vitamin deficiencies. Rizzoli: [looking at the victim] Hmm. Isles: You. You have dark circles under your eyes. Are you not sleeping again? Rizzoli: [flippantly] Thank you. You look nice, too. Rizzoli: It looks like karma finally caught up to him. Isles: Sanskrit word: a cycle of cause and effect. I think it originated in the Shri Mana tradition. Rizzoli: Do you have to do that? Isles: Do what? Rizzoli: That! That word thing you do? Isles: Etymology? Rizzoli: You can't stop, can you? Isles: Not really. Isles: You're cle

The Beast in Me [1.09]

Frost: We're waiting on a warrant, can't touch the car. Female commuter out of view: I've been here twenty minutes. Jane: Yeah, yeah, you're in a hurry for your latte. Male commuter out of view: Come on! I've got to get to work! Jane: Hey, man, shut up! [looks into the car holding up traffic] Come on! How hard is it to get a warrant signed? Where's Maura? Frost: Stuck in traffic. Jane: She shouldn't wear high heels to a crime scene. Maura: [walks into the scene] Why not? These are very comfortable. Jane: I'll bet you can run in them, too. Maura: [smiling] I don't think that's a good idea. Maura: I sent the blood samples to the crime lab, but I have no doubt this man is my father. Jane: Since when do you jump to conclusions? Maura: Since I found out who I really am. [to photos on the table] Stabbed, shot, shot, shot. [twists ring on her finger] Oh, my God. Did you see what I did? He does that. He introduced himself as Mr. Selsi. That's Isles. It's my adoptive name spelled backward. Jane

When the Gun Goes Bang, Bang [1.10]

Jane: He's having trouble breathing. Do something. Maura: I'm a pathologist. I am not a surgeon, Jane. I could make it worse. Jane: [grabs a book from a shelf] What is it again? Say it again. Maura: Tension pneumothorax. What are you doing? Jane: [reads quickly] Tension pneumothorax results in death if not treated immediately. Oh, God. Maura: Jane, I'm just guessing, okay? I would need to confirm it! Jane: You don't have time to confirm it! Your guess is better than most doctors! Maura: I could be wrong! Jane: [continues reading] Aggressively manage with needle decompression to chest. Maura: I've never done it! Jane: Maura, please! Get a needle! Do it! Do it now! Maura: All right. Get alcohol, get a cotton ball and tape. Jane: I got it! I got it!

We Don't Need Another Hero [2.01]

Maura: You look terrible. Jane: Thank you. Maura: You're making everyone late. Jane: Even you would look bad if a bullet had gone through you. Maura: Hmm. Laceration to your peritoneum and small bowel could explain the jaundice color. Jane: Okay, you may not casually discuss my privates. Maura: Three months. You could have read all of Shakespeare, you know? Learned Finnish. Instead you've become a platinum member of the shopping channel. Jane: I swear to God, if you start cleaning I will kick you out. Maura: Is that why you banned your mother? Jane: Is that what she said? Did she mention that all of her OCD banging and clanking around isn't restful. Wait, Finnish? Like Finland Finnish? Maura: You know, the stress hormone cortisol suppresses your immune cells ability to activate telomerase. Jane: So you say. Mine are fine. Maura: Quite simply: keeping your brain busy aids recovery. Mind. Body. Jane: Mind. Business. Maura: You are my business. Maura: [holds Jane's dress uniform] Put this

Don't Hate the Player [2.05]

Jane: Hey. What does La Bode Truck? (Pronounces it wrong) Maura: Five star french restaurant, brilliant nouveau take on escargot. Jane: Is this okay? (Referring to her suit) Maura: Are you out of your mind? Jane: What? I'm meeting Jessie Wayde, He wants to do the interview there. Maura: At La Bode Truc? Jane: Yeah. Jane: (Smiles) What did you just say?

Bloodlines [2.07]

Frankie: I know Jane took Lily's cup. Where is it? Maura: Don't be mad at Jane. She just did it because she loves you. Frankie: Well what's your excuse? Maura: Well, I have a bigger purse and access to superior paternity testing. Jane: How is it that you can't lie, but you can talk me into spying on my brother? Maura: We're not spying! We're not! We are gathering data to test a hypothesis, which is the first step of scientific inquiry. Jane: Nice try. We -- you and I --we are snooping, meddling. We are sticking our noses where they do not belong. Jane: Oh, my God, I've turned into my mother.

Remember Me [2.10]

Jane: Any idea what the shiv was made of? Maura: No. looks more like puncture wounds. The edges are surprisingly clean...something very sharp. Man: Like Jane. Jane: What the hell?! Hoyt: Do your hands hurt, Jane? Jane: No. It's like it never happened.

Can I Get a Witness? [2.11]

Isles: [examining stomach contents] Bad news: undigested iceberg lettuce. Rizzoli: Oh, I should sit down. That is terrible news. Frankie: It is? Rizzoli: No. That's just Maura news. Isles: Good news: undigested ground beef, but I can't tell what grade it is. Rizzoli: [sarcastically] Yippee! Can you tell what market it came from? Isles: I'm ignoring you. Isles: The foremost expert in forensic entomology identified the larva on Dante's shoe. Rizzoli: [looking into a microscope] What am I looking at? Isles: The Asian Longhorned Beetle. It's an exotic pest. Do you realize what a big break this is? Rizzoli: No. But I didn't spend my life playing with bug larva. Isles: There has been a recent infestation of the Asian Longhorn Rizzoli: Please don't tell me that they're marching to my apartment. Isles: They're only found in this one area, Loyalist Park. Rizzoli: Wait, are you saying Dante could have been killed in this park? Isles: Oh, no. I'm only able to conclusively say that Dante's shoes w

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother [2.12]

Rizzoli: [referring to the victim] Who is he? Korsak: Paul Langford, 34. Isles: He suffered what appears to be a single gunshot wound to the chest. [leans forward] Oh, that's a shame. Rizzoli: What? Isles: Quite a bit of intra-abdominal fat. Belly fat. You know, it's linked to high cholesterol, high insulin levels. Rizzoli: I don't think he's worried about his cholesterol level, Maura. Frost: Blood spatter indicates he was shot inside this van. Rizzoli: This is strange looking blood. Isles: Do you see why I will only commit to a redish brown stain? This is not blood. Rizzoli: Well what is it then, Dr. Smarty Pants? Isles: Paint. Yeah. I see flecks of avocado green, Tiffany Blue -- Rizzoli: Enough, Picasso. Rizzoli: Tommy was telling the truth: John was painting yesterday morning. If he was doing that he couldn't have possibly been robbing a bank. Isles: Unlike electrons, human beings can't be in two places at once. Some physical laws of quantum mechanics. Rizzoli: I kind of love that y

Seventeen Ain't So Sweet [2.13]

Jane: What do you think? Did she kill herself? Maura: The bruising and deep-tissue injury around the ligature exceeds the circumference of the noose. Jane: Fifteen words where one would do. Maura: Not a suicide. She was strangled by the rope and posed in the chair. Jane: Looks like we'll be bringing in Eddie after all. Korsak: We still don't have enough on him. [grabbing his lower back in pain] Oh! Maura: Lower back pain, sergeant? Korsak: Ah, too much of this downward-doggy thing with Melody. Maura: You know back pain is the second most common ailment in the United States. Jane: What's the most common ailment? Your fun facts? Maura: Headaches. Jane: So she's got you doing yoga? This is getting serious. Korsak: I've never known her to stick with anything. Maybe she's changed. Maura: By acknowledging her change, you let go of past anger and focus on the present. Jane: Thank you Deepak Maura Frost: Maria Korkman was a preschool teacher. Jane: The same preschool Steve Sanner was calling?

Don't Stop Dancing, Girl [2.14]

Maura: I X-rayed her skeleton to make sure I hadn't missed any surgeries. And I found evidence of repetitive spiral fractures to both her wrists. At least three. Jane: So she's a battered spouse. Maura: Perhaps. But spiral fractures are also a common skiing injury in the lower leg due to the inflexibility of a boot... Jane: Maura, I don't think she's doing handstands in her ski boots. Maura: Probably not.

Burning Down the House [2.15]

Rizzoli: [watching Maura inspect the body] Never understood why guys would want to run into burning buildings. Isles: You …chase murderers. Rizzoli: Not if they’re on fire. Isles: [smiles] Do you know why firefighters call their outfits ‘bunker gear’? Rizzoli: Their 'outfits'? Yes, because they keep their ‘outfits’ next to their bunks. Isles: : Darn. [beat] Hey, did you know that the first helmet was developed by luggage maker, Henry Gratacap? Rizzoli: Does your brain ever get tired? Isles: No, why? Rizzoli: Well just, with all the useless information…[off Maura’s confused look]... No? Isles: [gestures to the computer screen] The soot buildup on the walls and windows, that’s evidence of a low oxygen fire. But his face shield and lungs say it’s a high oxygen fire….I wrote about this once in the journal of Combustible Science. Rizzoli: Yes. Fabulous article, loved the photos. Isles: [delighted look] I’ll print it out for you. Rizzoli: M-Maura, look, why waste paper? I’ll read it online.

What Doesn't Kill You [3.01]

Maura: You shouldn't be here. Not while they're investigating. Jane: Why? What did you say to Connors? Maura: Well, you know I can't say anything. Jane: Ma, get your stuff. Angela: Jane Clementine Rizzoli. Maura: Your middle name is Clementine? Jane: [to her mother] Thank you. Thank you very much.

What Doesn't Kill You [3.01]

Jane: You're back. Maura: Did you ever return my book "Soothing Paint Choices For The Home?" Jane: Yeah, a long time ago... So you're back. Maura: That's odd because I can't seem to find it. Jane: Did you ever return my "Guns Of The World Digest?" Maura: I ALWAYS return things I borrow. Jane: You sure? Maura: Of course I'm sure. Maybe you lost it. You do lose things.(Sigh) Has Dr.Pike been sitting in my chair? Jane: Could be, Why? Is it broken? Do you want me to find out if he's been sleeping in your bed too? Pike: Were you looking for me? Jane: What about your food? Dr.Pike, have you been eating Maura's porridge? Pike: Of course not! Maura: I'm glad that you think you're SO funny. Jane: It's better being funny than "poindexter" the know-it-all. Maura: Well.. I'd rather be "poindexter" the know-it-all than the "hoi-polloi!" Jane: Good one Maura. Maura: You don't even know what it means. Pike: It means "common." Literal translation is "The Great Unwashed" Jane: Classy. Hide your insults

What Doesn't Kill You [3.01]

Angela: Remember when you thought you and Becky Zisti were never gonna be friends again? Jane: Yeah, well, I didn't shoot Becky Zisti's father.

What Doesn't Kill You [3.01]

Angela: Here, do you want some tea? It gets its flavor from pandas! Jane: How does it get its flavor from pandas? Angela: Maura says that the pandas fertilize the tea plants. Jane: That means they grow in panda poop, Ma.

What Doesn't Kill You [3.01]

Angela: I'm not talking to you until you say three good things! Jane: Okay! Okay! I, uh, found all of the lids to my Tupperware, I--don't have leprosy, and my wonderful mother left the comfort of her free guest house to come stay with me in my crappy little apartment because she loves me. Angela: [smiling] Yes, she does. Jane: And this is where you say, "It's not a crappy little apartment." Angela: [makes a face and shakes her head no] Jane: Ma. Angela: Uh-uh.

Dirty Little Secret [3.02]

Maura: It is more energy efficient if we take one car. Jane: Fine, but I'm driving. Maura: Why do you get to drive?! Jane: Because it's an unmarked, and because I'm a cop, and because...just get in the car, Maura! Frost: Have a good time, girls. Maura: I am not listening to Led Zeppelin. Jane: I'm not listening to Yo-yo Ma. Maura: I don't listen to Yo-yo Ma! In the car. Jane: Oh, that's right. Pardon me. Yo-yo Ma is just for the jacuzzi. Put your seatbelt on! Maura: It's on!

This Is How a Heart Breaks [3.03]

Jane: [sighs] I hate taggers. Maura: That's not tagging, it's graffiti. Jane: Same thing. Maura: No, it is not. Wow. What a powerful piece of street art. Jane: What a powerful example of felony vandalism. Maura: Jane, this is contemporary art. Jane: Says the woman who paid $1500 for old Pinto parts.

Welcome to the Dollhouse [3.04]

Maura: [referring to Jane's first meeting with Casey and Jane's discovery that Casey is partially paralyzed] How did it go? Jane: I asked him to go rollerblading. Maura: Shut the front door. You did not. Jane: Oh, yeah. I did. I think I may have also suggested running.

Throwing Down the Gauntlet [3.05]

Jane: They had to bring in Sister Bitcher. The "Lord's work", yeah. That's what she said when she hit me with a ruler because I misspelled flamboyant! Maura: Why was the word flamboyant on a second grade spelling test at a Catholic school? Jane: I don't know! Jane: [referring to the murder victim] No one has reported her missing. Why not? Maura: Well, she has a depressed skull fracture. Jane: Must have been a hefty weapon. Maura: Not a weapon. Jane: So she woke up this morning and after she brushed her teeth she thought, gee my head hurts. [smiles] Maura: No. She had a contrecoup contusion from a massive fall. Contrecoup means -- Jane: It's not my first rodeo. It means her brain bounced around inside her skull. Maura: After striking a hard object. Jane: So, not a pillow? Maura: [deadpan] It takes longer when you make jokes. Jane: I would poke my eyes out with a scalpel if I didn't make jokes.

Money Maker [3.06]

Maura: I think we're a match. Jane: You're not really my type. Maura: [smiles] Me and Cailin. Jane: I think we're having different conversations. Maura: Cailin needs a kidney. Jane: So you're going to make it out of that cake? Maura: Of course not. I needed a sample of her DNA. Jane: You're not going to give her a kidney. Maura: It's my kidney. I can give it to whomever I please. Jane: Oh, so you told Hope? Maura: I'm going to donate anonymously. Jane: Do you need help getting it out or are you going to do that by yourself too? No! Maura, what are you thinking? No! Maura: Cailin's dying, Jane, and Hope is overwhelmed. The last thing she needs is to relive the worst day of her life: my birth and death. Jane: I guess I just don't get it. Maura: If I tell her who I am I'll be a reminder of her tragic past. I'll never be anything else to her. I mean, what? We only need one kidney. Jane: You're incredible. Maura: You'd do the same for one of your brothers. Jane: Maybe, but they'd have to be

Money Maker [3.06]

Maura: I'm all cried out. I'm done. I'm done and actually I'm a little insulted. Jane: What'd I do? Maura: That girl rejected my kidney. Jane: The nerve. Maura: I know, right? It's a very nice kidney. Jane: I'm sure it is. You should keep it. In your body.

Crazy for You [3.07]

Jane: Maura, this is very serious. Maura: It is? Jane: No! You haven't started the autopsy yet?! Maura: Pike is handing out hats, and pens, and travel mugs. This is swag, detective. Jane: I'll get our swag unit on it.

Cuts Like a Knife [3.08]

Maura: So you must have had a wedding fantasy when you were little. Come on, every little girl has one. Jane: Okay. It wasn't really a fantasy. It was -- I had this dumb idea that I would say my vows at Fenway over homeplate. In a Red Sox jersey. [laughs] Maura: [laughing] It's not dumb. It's not exactly elegant, but at least it's colorful. Jane: We would have the reception on the pitcher's mound, and we would serve foot-long hotdogs and frozen lemonade. The guests would throw peanuts at us instead of rice. Maura: Can I come? Jane: Maybe! Maura: A Red Sox jersey? Jane: Okay, you're in my fantasy. You cannot tell me what to wear!

Melt My Heart to Stone [3.10]

Maura: Okay, let's go. It starts in fifteen minutes. Jane: What starts? Maura: The book signing. Jane: The one you're not going to? Maura: I changed my mind. Jane: I didn't! Maura: The lab results are going to take about thirty minutes. I haven't had a lunch break in three years! Jane: I'm not spending a lunch hour that I never take listening to Dennis "I love myself" Rockmond. That sounds like a character from the Flintstones. [affects a hoity-toity accent] Hi, I'm Dennis Rockmond. Angela: [to Jane and Maura] Ugh. Why couldn't you two do something else for a living? Jane: I thought about being a ballerina. Angela: Yes, you did, and you were so good at the Foité. Jane: [looks away, wistful] And then I wanted to be a goalie in the NHL.

[4.1]

Maura: "Well, the intake vacuum pressure pulls the fuel through and mixes liquid with air, before it sucks it into the combustion chamber.." Jane: "Mm, go on.." Maura: "Violent explosion.. rams the big piston down with great force. The long connecting-rod forces the crank-pin into rotation, which is what. you. want.." Jane: "God, I would love to have my crank-pin rotated right about now." Maura: "I knew you'd miss him" Jane: "Mm"