Quotes

Pilot: The British Are Coming

René: Are you one of them? Lt. Gruber: It was very lonely on the Russian front. LeClerc: Is he one of us? René: No, he is one of them! Gruber: Please, do not tell everybody!

Pilot: The British Are Coming

Carstairs: Pretty place France, don’t you think so, Fairfax? Napoleon planted all these trees, you know? Fairfax: Wonder when he had time to fight any battles? Carstairs: He didn’t do it personally, fathead. He had them planted to keep the sun off his troops while they were marching up and down... Do you notice that when ever we pass these peasant people they seem to stare at us in a rather odd way? Fairfax: Maybe, because you’re driving a girl's bicycle. Carstairs: Perhaps we’re doing something wrong. [A car drives by and almost crushes into them] Carstairs: Fairfax, I think I’ve cracked it. We’re riding on the wrong side of the road!

Pilot: The British Are Coming

Geering: It is not much to look at, Herr Colonel. Colonel: Hans, you ignorant peasant, this is probably the first cuckoo-clock ever made. Absolutely priceless. Und this, this is the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp, which will be worth a fortune after the war. Geering: Is it wise to have it in your office? Colonel: Who can see it apart from Helga? Geering: Come to think of it, it looks a little like Helga. Colonel: You too?

Six Big Boobies

Herr Flick: I have three fallen Madonnas, with six big boobies. Only one of them is real. Helga: Only one big booby?

The Policeman Cometh

I am disgeesed as poloceman so I am oble to move aboot with complate frodom.

The Policeman Cometh

Helga: You're looking pensive Herr Flick. Herr Flick: I'm trying to decide what to do with you tonight. I might take you to the movies. Helga: What is showing? Herr Flick: Anything we want. Or we could stay here and amuse ourselves. I have a box of sharp needles somewhere. (Helga looks a little nervous) Ah, here they are. Helga: What have you in mind Herr Flick? Herr Flick: I have an excellent gramophone, and many records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing. Helga: (surprised) Hitler's speeches, quite amusing? Herr Flick: Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.

The Policeman Cometh

How much?! Now look here. It is just one little train. Well surely you could do it for a bit less than that. Is that your rock-bottom price? Well hang on a minute. [Puts down telephone, opens the till. Checks cash, and goes back to the telephone]. No, no, I cannot go to that [pause]. Well how would it be if we supplied the explosives? [panics slightly] No, no I do not want to leave my name, no, it is just an enquiry!

The Policeman Cometh

Let that be a lesson to you. Never again will you burn my toast.

Swiftly and with Style

Officer Crabtree: I have good nose. René: Yes, yes, you are very handsome... Officer Crabtree: The troon carrying the painting has been bummed by the RAF. René: Bummed by the RAF?! Col. Von Strohm / Captain Geering: Bummed by the RAF⁉ Lt. Gruber: What have the naughty RAF been up to now? René: They bombed an munition train. Captain Geering: Did they destroy it? Officer Crabtree: There were little pisses all over the track.

Herr Flick's Revenge

Look! No hands!

Christmas Special: The Gateau from the Chateau

Colonel: Hans, have you got the weedkiller? Geering: Even better - the chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and... [impersonates a dead person] all is quiet on the Western Front. Colonel: Are you sure it'll work? Geering: Yes. I told him it was for you.

Christmas Special: The Gateau from the Chateau

Geering: The Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it? René: I have the pill in the till. Geering: Wheere is the vine for the General? René: It is here in this jug. Geering: The pill contains a drug. René: The pill in the till? Geering: Take it and put it in there. René: Put the drug in the jug? Gruber: (Comes in with the Gateau) We nearly forgot the most important thing. René: (panic) Oh, my God! The Gateau from the Chateau! Geering: What about the Gateau from the Chateau? René: It contains a bomb!!! Geering: A bomb in the Gateau from the Chateau??? René: It is to blow up the General! You must not let anyone light that fuse. Geering: But where is the fuse? René: It is the candle with the handle. Geering: You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the Gateau from the Chateau! René: Simple plots are

Gruber Does Some Mincing

We can't have you going to the Gestapo Ball looking any old how.

Gruber Does Some Mincing

You put your left boot in, you put your left boot out! You do a lot of shouting and you shake your fist about. You light a little smokey and you burn down the town, that's what it's all about! [While executing a lopsided turn] heil! Ahhh, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler! [While moving hands up and down]

The Sausage in the Wardrobe

Crabtree: Good Moaning, I have come to arost your mither. Yvette: Arrest her mother? Why, what has she done? Crabtree: She has been pissing fudged bank notes in the hit shop. Edith: What does Crabtree say, Yvette? Yvette: I think he means "she has been passing forged bank notes in the hat shop. Crabtree: Presoasly Crabtree: Who is the ugly old bog in the bed beside your mother? Fanny: I have been asking the same question. Crabtree: My Gid that was a god disgeese, I was complotely decieved by the wog. René: Edith, give him 500 francs from the till and tell him to pass off. Crabtree: There is no need to be rode.

The Flight of Fancy

Herr Flick: Who has squashed my Gestapo staff car? Colonel Von Strohm: It was Captain Geering, Herr Flick. Captain Geering: [Nervously] Heil Hilter. Herr Flick: This is very serious... The Gestapo is only insured third party.

Pretty Maids All in a Row

I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty.

Good Staff Are Hard to Find

Captain Bertorelli: Sigorine! Captain Bertorelli: Whatever you do, don't-a you make a pass at the girls. René: Don't worry, he won't.

The Sausage in the Trousers

I am wicking this woo because my poloceman's troosers are full of deenamote.

The Jet-Propelled Mother-In-Law

Edith: René! What are you doing with your arms around that girl? René: You stupid woman? Can you not see she's suffering from claustrophobia? She accidentally locked herself in the larder. Edith: But there is no key! René: Exactly, that's why she couldn't get out. Edith: Oh, the poor child. Oh, it happened to me once. I screamed and screamed, but nobody came. René: We thought you were singing.

No Hiding Place

Edith: He is dead! René: I am not dead, you silly cow!

No Hiding Place

René: Service! Is this a police station or a mortuary? (He rings the bell on the counter) Crabtree: Would you please stop bonging the bill, or I shall lick you up for disturbing the puss. René: Office Crabtree, it is I, René Artois (He removes his false beard). Will you lock me up, please? Crabtree: Are you confessing to some cream? René: Yes. Cream galore! Crabtree: In that curse, you must fill in a foam. Here is a list of creams. I will tick what you have din. Meerder? René: No. Crabtree: Minslaughter? René: No. Crabtree: Roop? René: No. Crabtree: Biglary? René: No. Crabtree: Biglary with minaces? René: No. Crabtree: Handbog snitching? René: No. Crabtree: Arsin? René: What is "arsin"? Crabtree: Setting fire to places. René: Ah! My life is in danger, so I will confess to all of these things, as long as you lock me up. Crabtree: I see. Unfortunately, all the sills are filled to caposity. Could you come back next woke? René: Oh my God! Why do I pay rates?

No Hiding Place

Denise: Now, hold me. Kiss me. Crush your lips with my lips, and tell me you will never leave me again. René: (Mumbled, as she kisses him) I will never leave you again.

The Reluctant Millionaires

There was a wetness at the bonk.

A Duck for Launch

Herr flick: What part of France do you come from? Officer Crabtree: I am half Itolioen. Herr Flick: Itolioen? Officer Crabtree: Itolioen. von Smallhousen: I think he means Italian. Officer Crabtree: I was brought up in Nipples. Herr Flick: Nipples? Officer Crabtree: Yes. You know the old suing: See Nipples, and do.

Puddings Can Go Off

General Von Klinkerhoffen: It has come to the ears of the Fuhrer that two of the latest Mark Six landmines are missing from this district. He has of course flown into one of his familiar rages. Lt. Gruber: Has he eaten the carpet? General Von Klinkerhoffen: No. But he's done a lot of no-good to a reproduction of the Bayeux Tapestry. Colonel Von Strohm: Do you think he has a screw loose? General Von Klinkerhoffen: In my opinion, a whole Meccano set has fallen apart in there.

Puddings Can Go Off

I must put up my nose more mothballs!

Rising to the Occasion

Von Flockenstuffen: Piggy old boy, when was the last time you had a holiday? Von Klinkerhoffen: Badenbaden '38. You were both there. We went to a fancy dress ball at the baths. I went as Atilla the Hun. Von Flockenstuffen: [On the phone] Get me the military hospital. Fruitcake department.

A Quiet Honeymoon

My spies inform me that the old lady from the cafe and her geriatric husband have been jailed for flying an unlicensed bed in military airspace.

A Quiet Honeymoon

Helga: What crime will this very common-looking criminal commit Herr Flick? Herr Flick: It is not yet decided. Helga: Could he not climb into the Colonel's office and steal the petty cash? Herr Flick: That is a good idea Helga. My dazzling brilliance is obviously rubbing off on you. As a reward you may kiss me.

A Quiet Honeymoon

Colonel Von Strohm: Get out, and whilst you're out why don't you kill a chicken and get your hat restuffed. Captain Bertorelli: Good idea. I go and chase a bird or two. (Pinches Helga's bottom on the way out.)

A Quiet Honeymoon

General Von Klinkerhoffen: Hello Operator. Get me Berlin at once. Operator: I'll give you a line and you can dial the number yourself. Von Klinkerhoffen: You incompetent idiot. Come back. Von Flockenstuffen: Yes. I hope the General will be well enough to come out for a period of convalescence. Von Klinkerhoffen: What is your name, rank and number? Talk to me. If you will not reply I will have you court martialed. Gruber: [Aside to Von Flockenstuffen] He's talking to the fruit. Von Flockenstuffen: On second thoughts, I think we'll keep him in for the time being.

A Quiet Honeymoon

Edith: Mama is not well. How will she endure the hardships of prison life? The isolation, the damp, the lack of gin? René: She is only the local nick. She has not been sent to Devil's Island... Yet, anyway.

Unknown episodes

Michelle: Is the coast clear? René: We are fifty miles from the coast! How would I know?

Unknown episodes

Lt. Gruber: You were always a Twitcher. René: I'm still Twitching.

Unknown episodes

Helga: Herr Flick, where are you? Herr Flick: I am behind this screen with von Smallhausen. Helga: May I inquire to what you are up? Herr Flick: We have taken off our clothes in accordance with the Fuhrer's instructions. Helga: What exactly did the Fuhrer ask you to do?

Unknown episodes

When we are too old to make love, we will make wonderful soup.

Unknown episodes

Even in heaven, they know about my bad legs.

Unknown episodes

An old woman lies here growing weak from lack of nourishment!

Unknown episodes

Pardon, mademoiselle. I keep forgetting that we Frenchmen have a tradition...of having it off like rabbits.

Unknown episodes

Dearly belivid. We are gathered here todoo to join this min and this women in haley weedlock.

Unknown episodes

We will goo oot the bock wee.

Unknown episodes

This is rosky in day light. Can you not wait until it is dick?

Unknown episodes

A bum.

Unknown episodes

Then they will be taken to the arbour where a small boot will be waiting by the dis-used dick.

Unknown episodes

A pissy up a tree?

Unknown episodes

Do not wirry, Ronnie...

Unknown episodes

Flick, the Gestapo... No, I said FLICK, the Gestapo.

Unknown episodes

I will not be informing Berlin of this incident. I do not wish to look a right nana.

Unknown episodes

Hit it hard with your spoon. They always break in the end.

Unknown episodes

Six out of Ten.

Unknown episodes

But uncle, you cannot expect me to shoot everyone in the town. I'm unpopular enough as it is!

Unknown episodes

Hey! Where's all the beautiful girls?