Quotes

Other

[at St. Michael's hospital] I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you. l repeat.

Dialogue

Nun: So, you don't believe in God...because of Alice in Wonderland? Loki: No, Through the Looking Glass, that poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god Lord Ganesha – that takes care of your eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. Now I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure, who shakes a f

Dialogue

Loki: Our last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing. Bartleby: What's that? Loki: Let's kill people. Loki: Oh, not you.

Dialogue

Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true... Metatron: Ah, Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?! Bethany: Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?! Metatron: I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid... fucking Christ... Bethany: Get the fuck out of here! Now! Metatron: Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that...fffffish? Metatron: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... Look at my suit! Bethany: Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me. Metatron: Oh, give over, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to; Angels are ill-equipped! [Drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be] See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel,

Dialogue

Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves. Bethany: Well... why doesn't God speak for Himself? Metatron: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five s before we figured that one out.

Dialogue

Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade. Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic. Metatron: was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day. Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade. Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it. Bethany: What's the fine print? Metatron: [Mumbling into glass] Stop-a-couple-of-angels-from-entering-and-thus-negating-all-existence. Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that. Metatron: [Annoyed] Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them!

Dialogue

Bethany: I don't know what to say or think, except... Jay: That's you'll offer us sex as a reward? Bethany: Um... that I'd like to know who they and you are. Jay: I'm Jay, and this my hetero lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't of represented. Bethany: Well, thanks for being out here so late. Wait... are you protesters? Jay: You mean those dickheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies? Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own goddamn business! Bethany: So, what are you doing hanging around? Jay: We're here to pick up chicks. Bethany: Excuse me? Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?

Dialogue

Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on. Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this... Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like. Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work. Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires. Loki: I rained down sulfur, man, there's a subtle difference. Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Loki: [defensively] Hey, you know, fuck you, man; any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial, man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.

Dialogue

Jay: So, what's up? You gotta friend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds. Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here? Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes. Bethany: Sixteen Candles John Hughes? Jay: You know that guy too? That fucking guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing. 'Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. Fucking Breakfast Club; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fucking Weird Science where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and s

Dialogue

Jay: You believe this shit?! Rufus: You know, that's a lot like the good people of Antioch were saying, right before they stoned my ass! Bethany: You were martyred? Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big fucking rocks!

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Bethany: You knew Christ? Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!

Dialogue

Jay: Yo, man, tell me something about me. Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet. Jay: Ah, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows. Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. [walks off] Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Dialogue

Rufus: His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it. Bethany: You’re saying having beliefs is a bad thing? Rufus: I just think it’s better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.

Dialogue

Whitland: Morning. Has anyone seen the overnights? Board: No Whitland: We creamed 'em. Last night was a re-run which says to me... Do I smell onion? [Loki and Bartleby are noticed seated, Loki peeling onions with a knife] 'Excuse me. May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom? Loki: [To Bartleby] You may proceed, mon ami. Bartleby: I'm gonna have to start by apologizing. My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic. Loki: Oh come on! Bartleby: Relax, I'm doing this. [To the board room] Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1989. Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991. Broadcast nationally as the "Mooby Fun-Time Hour." Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films, sixteen records, eight prime-time specials, and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes. Not to mention bicoastal theme parks... dubbed "Mooby World." Did I miss anything? Whitland: You forgot Mooby Magazine. Bartleby: Damn it! Whitland: Now, is there a point t

Dialogue

Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See in the beginning, it was just us and Him, angels and God...and then He created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship, and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us — He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the divine presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no — We're servants! Loki: [alarmed] Okay... You know, all I'm saying is that maybe one of us needs a little nap... Bartleby: Wake up! These Humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise — they threw it away. They were given this planet —

Dialogue

Bethany: Why me? Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped? Rufus: Imagine you're a twelve-year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son- more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from twelve to thirty. Twelve to thirty! Now that's some pretty bad story-telling! Where are the texts dealing with the missing eighteen years?! I'll tell you where; they were offered up as a sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics! Bethany: [sarcastically joking] You make it sound like there was some Church conspiracy to cover up the "truth about Christ"! [Rufus gives her a look; Bethany instantly becomes more serious] Bullshit! Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave any of it out? Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with His family. Bethany: His mother and father? Rufu

Dialogue

Bethany: [looking skyward] WHY?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I FUCKING HATE YOU! [now crying] I hate you. Metatron: He can't hear you, you know. Bethany: Why didn't you tell me? Metatron: Would you - could you - have believed me? You had to come to it gradually. Only now, after all you've seen, could you accept the truth. Bethany: I don't want this. It's too big. Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yeah... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, that one word from his lips would destroy the Son's frail human body. So, I had to tell a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children that he was God's only son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people he had come to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it all back, as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true'. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany. It's something I've never told anyone before: if I had the power,

Dialogue

Rufus: So what do we do now? Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

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Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young. [lights a cigarette] Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry? Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

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Cardinal Glick: Who sent you here? Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am! Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute. Rufus: [shrugs] Worked for Moses.

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Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony tomorrow is a mistake! Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes! Rufus: Please! What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade? Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust? Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made.

Dialogue

Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender. Bartender: Never heard of it. Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse? Serendipity: Don't... Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No? [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads] Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... [pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Get it? Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why? Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead! Azrael: Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. [referring to Bethany] Serendipity: Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you? Azrael: I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak... Jay: [suddenly starts sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it,

Dialogue

Bethany: Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you! Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse. Bethany: Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is! Azrael: [furious] Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your grievou

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Bethany: [Notices Jay is taking off his pants] What are you doing? Jay: I'd say we got about five minutes to live, the whole world's gonna end... and you said you'd fuck me.

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Rufus: Why, Bethany Sloane, are you saying you believe? Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.