Quotes

Dialogue

Damien: Crisis meeting? What does that mean, exactly? I mean, you know, are we in a crisis? Rob: He's the head of the studio. He's reaching out. We're 10,000 miles away. He just wants a little face-time. Damien: I know. It's just you said he called it a crisis meeting. So, you know... Rob: It's Les Grossman. He throws these words around. "Crisis," "explosion," "not rolling," "fired." These are just words.

Dialogue

Les Grossman: I see you. I see you. I see you. Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn? Damien Cockburn: Uh, that's me, sir. It's an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time. Les Grossman: And who here is the key grip? [the key grip raises his hand] You? You! Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard! Key Grip: [reluctantly walks over to Damien] Sorry, man. [punches him in the face] Les Grossman: This is all your fault, you Limey fuck! You shit the money-bed, my friend. Damien Cockburn: What? Rob Slolom: God damn it, Damien! with all due respect, Les Grossman did not blow up the jungle. Damien Cockburn: What? Les Grossman: Fuck the jungle. Rob Slolom: Exactly! come on, man. Damien Cockburn: Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry, but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas! clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can't cry! he can't cry! Les Grossman: You know how you handle an actor? they whine about anything, you pull down their pants and you spank their ass. Rob Slolom: You

Dialogue

Les Grossman: The universe is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen. Grossman: See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun. Rob Slolom: Mmm, yeah. Grossman: Ask, and you shall receive. Slolom: All right! Grossman: You play ball, we play ball. [Slolom nods. Grossman begins dancing like he's slapping ass.] I know you want the goodies. Mmm! Slolom: Welcome to the goodie room. Grossman: You payin' attention? 'Cuz I'm talkin' G5, Pecker. That's how you're gonna roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boi. Oh yeah. Playa. Playa. Big dick playa. Slolom: Swingin' past your knees. Grossman: Big dick, baby. Slolom: Yup. Grossman: Or, you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you. Rick "Pecker" Peck: Let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of fifteen years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone for some money and a G5. Grossman: Yes. Pecker: A G5 airplane. Grossman: Yes. And lots of money. Playa....

Dialogue

Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes? Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there. Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese? Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.

Dialogue

Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we? Four-Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I've never been outside the States. Cody: Wait what?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Did you make this whole goddamn thing up?! Dude you weren't even in the fucking service?! Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard! Cody: Coast Guard. Tayback: Sanitation Department. Cody: Oh my God! You're a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. of A. Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot. Cody: Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - It's like punching the American flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you! Tayback: Writers lie all the time! Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please?

Dialogue

Speedman: I don’t believe you people! Lazarus: Huh! What do you mean, “you people”? [silence] Chino: What do YOU mean, “you people”!? Lazarus: HUH? Sandusky: I... I think what, uh, Tugg means is, “you people”, “you actors”. Speedman: Chill! Alright? Just chill it! Now, let’s go get those Vietcongs. Chino: Vietcong! Speedman: What? Chino: It’s “Vietcong”, there’s no ‘s’, it’s already plural. You wouldn’t say “Chineses."

Dialogue

Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent. Because they one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee. Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure. Chino: I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your Barbie. Lazarus: That shit ain't funny. Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas! It's hot, we're tired, it stinks... Chino: I'm just fucking with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm sorry a dingo ate yo baby. Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost her kid. You about to cross some fucking lines. Kevin: Guys, relax and stuff... Chino: You know what? Fuck that, man! I'm sick of this koala-hunting nigga telling me s-- [Kirk slaps Alpa. Alpa tries to punch Kirk but Kirk grabs his fist and pulls him in and hugs him.] Lazarus: For 400 years, that word has kept us down. Chino: [confused]...what the fuck!? Lazarus: Took a whole lot of tryin, just to get up that hill. But now we up in the big leagues, getting our turn at bat. L

Dialogue

Speedman: You know, there were times when I was doing Jack that I actually felt retarded. Like, really retarded. I mean, I brushed my teeth retarded, I rode the bus retarded. Lazarus: Damn. Speedman: In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb. Lazarus: To be a moron. Speedman: Yeah. Lazarus: To be moronical. Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron. Lazarus: An imbecile. Speedman: Yeah. Lazarus: Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived. Speedman: When I was playing the character. Lazarus: When you was the character. Speedman: Yeah, as Jack, definitely. Lazarus: Jack, stupid ass Jack. Trying to come back from that. Speedman: In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind into believing that it wasn't retarded. And by the end of the whole thing, I was like, "Wait a minute, you know, I flushed so much out, how am I gonna jump-start it up again?" It's just like... Right? Lazarus: Yeah. Speedman: Yeah, right? Lazarus:

Dialogue

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Wow. Eight Oscars, 400 million dollars at the box office, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career. Les Grossman: I couldn't have done it without you. Slolom: Really? Grossman: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties. Slolom: I wouldn't do that. Grossman: Ah... joking. Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy. Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.