Quotes

Others

Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture, and I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be. Finch: [talking to a picture of Stifler's Mom] How did you do that magic you did? Trucker: Squeeze his ass son, you'll like it! Danielle: [Jim has Amber's dildo while under the bed] Johnny West is missing.

Dialogue

Officer: Where's Steve Stifler? Stifler: I got peed on.

Dialogue

Deputy: Hands where we can see 'em! [Jim raises his left hand with the porn tape glued to it] Both hands! Get the other hand up, goddamn it! Jim: I can't! I can't! I'm glued! I'm glued. Sorry.

Dialogue

Officer 1: This is the Stifler house, isn't it? You ever see Mrs. Stifler? Officer 2: Jeez, what a MILF.

Dialogue

Jim's Dad: Ah, yes, the one that got away. Jim: Yeah. Jim's Dad: Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet. Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a PTA meeting.

Dialogue

Jim: Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all I'm going to be able to give her is rump roast. Finch: Rump roast... Oz: What are you so worried about? You've had experience since Nadia! Jim: Ah, yes, you would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch and then ditched me after prom.

Dialogue

Male EMT: [when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated] Excuse me, sir, are you a family member? Stifler: Fuck no, this is just too good to miss! Male EMT: Okay sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right? Stifler: [Giving Jim the thumbs-up as the ambulance drives away] Ha-ha! This summer's turned out to be great!

Dialogue

Jim's Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son. Jim: Thanks, Dad. Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.

Dialogue

Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggle-berries this morning? Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint-by-numbers. Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know whose dick needs an instruction manual.

Dialogue

Trumpet Kid: Are you a guest? Guests belong in the auditorium, you can't be here! Jim: Do you know where I could find Michelle Flaherty? Trumpet Kid: Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came, and then the bear had to be destroyed, which means they shot it in the head with a rifle, and killed it, and it died. Jim: Yeah, you must know Michelle.

Dialogue

Jim: Was I any good that night? Michelle: Oh, Jeez, how could I forget? [pregnant pause] You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doin'. But wasn't it fun, even though you were so terrible? Jim: I-I'm sorry, "terrible?" Michelle: I've had worse. Jim: Oh. Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just, ah, I could give you some pointers, if you want.

Dialogue

Michelle: Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do? Jim: I want to feel your boobs. Michelle: No, you dingbat! You don't just go groping away! You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey!

Dialogue

Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet. Jim: Holy shit, really? Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice. Jim: 'Course.

Dialogue

Jim: This is good, this is good. [looks down at his erect penis] Obviously. Michelle: Oh! Uh, Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell! Jim: Uh, what? Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower!

Dialogue

Michelle: Now don't freak out. I'm gonna do something to push your threshold. Jim: Ow, that's cold. What is that? Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?

Dialogue

Stifler: Holy shit dude, I found a dildo! [Stifler runs round the house] Dildo! Dildo! Dildo! Big blue rubber dicks for everyone! The people demand rubber dicks! Jim: What are you doing? Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts! Jim: Where did you get this? Stifler: Finch's ass. Jim: Which room, man? Which room? Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold!

Dialogue

Jim: That counted! Stifler: That totally counted! Danielle: That's the way you kiss your mother. Stifler: [angry whisper to Finch] Don't you say anything! Stifler: It's okay, it's okay. I know what I have to do. Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team. Jim: Mother of God! Stifler: Come on you pussies, we had 'em! Finch: I am not touching that! Jim: Put that thing away Stifler! Stifler: Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing!

Dialogue

Stifler: Dude, you're a fucking lousy kisser. Jim: I wasn't trying! That's not fair! (to girls) I wasn't trying there. I'm really bett... Danielle: No judgment. Jim: Wait a second. You were trying?! Stifler: Fuck no! Jim: You were trying?! Stifler: YOU were trying! Oh God! I kissed Jim!

Dialogue

Jim: What are you doing here? Stifler's Brother: Pussy, man! I'm here for the pussy. Jim: [nonchalant] Take a number.

Dialogue

Heather: [Having phone sex with Oz] Oz, what should I do now? Stifler: [Listening in] Oh, Heather, baby, why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's? Oz: Stifler, get off! Stifler: I am getting off, listening to the two of you! Keep going!

Dialogue

Michelle's Friend: You are so sweet. He is special. Michelle: He's my bitch.

Dialogue

Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard. Jim: I'm not retarded. I'm a very special boy. [Jim uses the slide of the trombone to hit the kid in the face.]

Dialogue

Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stif-meister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby! Oz: Here's a new idea for you, Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other: you just laugh at the people who do count. Stifler: Here's a new idea for you: I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.

Dialogue

Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none. Vicky: None? Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

Dialogue

Jim: [Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz] Amazing. Stifler: Yes. The force is strong in that one.

Dialogue

Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really, really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else. Nadia: You--you want the band geek? Jim: Nadia, I am a band geek. I just never joined the band.

Dialogue

Sherman: Life's a bitch, isn't it? [No response from Nadia] It's all right. You don't have to say anything. I'm used to girls ignoring me...or making fun of me. "Come on, Sherman. Be the Sherminator." Nadia: [laughs a little] Like the movie. How clever. Sherman: I get it, okay? Maybe I am a geek. Whatever. Nadia: [finding her geek] Yes. You are. Sherman: All right. I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex-Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady. Nadia: I am lucky lady? Sherman: That's right Nadia, you've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live. Nadia: [playing along] Oh, no. Help. [Nadia and Sherman go upstairs as Stifler and Jessica look in disbelief] Fuck me, geek! Sherman: [pulled into bedroom] Affirmative! Stifler and Jessica: No fucking way! Jessica: Forget it. Stifler: Like you have a chance.

Dialogue

Stifler: Brilliant. You found lesbians. Good luck trying to break through that force field. Danielle: Lesbians? Amber: We never said that. Stifler: What? Amber: We never said that. Stifler: Oh, oh, man. I will do anything, anything to sleep with you chicks, okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room. I'll caress it, even! I'll even shave some ass if they need it! Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!

Dialogue

Stifler's Mom: Oh, Finchy, I missed you. Finch: Oh, Janine, Janine. Stifler's Mom: Call me "Stifler's Mom". Finch: Oh-AH! [We hear him having a violent orgasm, setting off the car alarm] Ah! Stifler's Mo-o-o-o-o-m!!

Dialogue

Lady: Son couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home? Jim's Dad: Excuse me? Lady: Well that kind of material is offensive to me. Jim's Dad: Oh well, we're sorry but you see my son couldn't leave it at home cos he's having a bit of a medical emergency. Jim: It's ok Dad. Jim's Dad: Your opinion in his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady, it's a the bottem of the totempole.(Pause) My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Cos you don't have a penis, or maybe you do. Jim: DAD! Jim's Dad: Sorry it just bugs me when people speak before they think. How're you doing son? Jim: I've been better.

Dialogue

Kid 1: Hey are you Steve Stifler? Stifler: Yes I am. Kid 1: Well thank you for throwing this awsome party man. Kid 2: Yeah the cops bust all our parties now. Stifler: Well I put the word out so High School chicks would come. Just cos you fuckers don't have dicks doesn't make it right for you to be here. Kid 2: Can I ask you a question? Stifler: Sure son. Kid 2: Is it true that Paul Finch nailed your mom? Stifler: Sons of bitches.

Dialogue

Kid: Red leader what is your position? Stifler: I'm touching his ass, I'm touching his ass, I'm touching his ass, I'm touching his ass!