Quotes

Hell-A Woman

Hell-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70's Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying its female population.

Girls, Interrupted

"Just because something is bleak doesn't necessarily make it true."

Girls, Interrupted

"Happy endings may get a bad rap, but they do happen -- and when they do, they're just as true as the unhappy ones."

Girls, Interrupted

"You see, I try to live in an ivory tower, but a tide of shit is constantly beating at its walls."

Girls, Interrupted

"You never mean to let me down.....but you do."

Girls, Interrupted

"Yeah I guess I do."

Girls, Interrupted

"It's all well and good to talk about happy endings, but if a person can't deliver, if he keeps screwing up, well eventually I guess you kinda just have to say 'fuck you'...or words to that effect."

Girls, Interrupted

"I want the little one; she looks like she knows things."

California Son

You can't snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly.

Slip of the Tongue [2.01]

Right before you cum, call me Bill.

Slip of the Tongue [2.01]

Man should not meow, ever.

Slip of the Tongue [2.01]

What the fuck? You're a guest in my house and you go and mouth-rape... what's your name sweetheart?

Slip of the Tongue [2.01]

The moment my tongue hit clit I knew it wasn't yours.

Slip of the Tongue [2.01]

Pussy number 2 step forward, step profile. That's Karen.

Slip of the Tongue [2.01]

Wrong place, wrong time, wrong vagina!

The Great Ashby [2.02]

In the meantime, don't bend over for the soap.

The Great Ashby [2.02]

No, I bleach hairy tacos.

The Great Ashby [2.02]

(Sees himself masturbating on camera) So, what? You going to shit-can 15 year of experience because a guy messes up one time? (Sees himself masturbating multiple times) OK! That's it! I'm ankling. Runkle is ankling! WOOOOOO!

The Great Ashby [2.02]

Becca: The man is too pretty for jail mom Mia: What if he is being someone's bitch right now. Becca: Instead of being yours.

The Great Ashby [2.02]

What am I going to write about? You were born a poor black child and now you're an icon where everything you touch turns to gold?

The Great Ashby [2.02]

(After a girl gets up from under the table giving Ashby a blowjob) Cool. Very cool.

The Great Ashby [2.02]

What? Is somebody crying? Charlie's crying? You guys are fucking retarded.

The Great Ashby [2.02]

Runkle: It's sobering Hank, to see yourself make faces like that. Hank: I hear you. No man should ever have to bear witness to his own O face.

The Great Ashby [2.02]

Hank: Any place for saying I'm sorry in a romance language? Karen: I don't know. I'll think about it next time I'm going down on a guy. Hank: Fair enough, as long as he's slim bent and circumcised.

The Great Ashby [2.02]

Hank: I love you. Karen: I love you too. But what if that's not enough? Hank: This is not very good pillow talk.

No Way to Treat a Lady [2.03}

Parents who truly love their children make the sacrifices to home school them.

No Way to Treat a Lady [2.03}

Uh oh, it's getting bigger, it's getting meaner! It's fighting back!

No Way to Treat a Lady [2.03}

You got under my skin Hank Moody. I just couldn't brush you off. Like I would be blowing a guy off at the four season and I would catch myself thinking, 'I wonder what Hank Moody is doing?'

No Way to Treat a Lady [2.03}

Damen: You might not want to sit there. Becca: Why? You have the herp or something?

No Way to Treat a Lady [2.03}

There's a limit to how much a woman can get banged in the ass and not get paid for it, and you Daisy, have reached that limit.

No Way to Treat a Lady [2.03}

Don't you sometimes wish you had two cocks? I know I sure do.

No Way to Treat a Lady [2.03}

That was while we weren't together. I am not going to be held accountable for my sins while we were not together.

No Way to Treat a Lady [2.03}

Don't tell me you forgive me and then tread up stuff from my past.

The Raw and the Cooked [2.04]

Really? Because I think it's going to be like a cue tip shoved up my urethra. For three hours. Without lube. Which could be fun if you do it.

The Raw and the Cooked [2.04]

I was hoping that you would make an honest woman of me.

The Raw and the Cooked [2.04]

Hank: I love you Karen, and I want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you, and I want the rest of my life to start right now. I'm sick and tired fighting about the past. We're not going anywhere, I get that now. This is my home, because home is where you and Becca are. I love LA. Seriously, I love it, I can't get enough of it. Karen: You're so full of shit Hank: Will you marry me Karen? Queen of my dreams, mother of my child. Lady of the Valley. Karen: Anymore? Hank: Fuck no I'm out... I'm so wet right now, are you? Karen: You can always check it out for yourself.

Coke Dick & First Kick [2.06]

Karen: Maybe they have one of those, you know, like, open relationships or something. Hank: Ew! No, no, no, no, no. That- that is disgusting. That is not a possibility. The open relationship does not exist. It's like an oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp" or- Karen: Ph, okay. So that's where you draw the line? At open relationships? Hank: Yes! That's thoroughly offensive to me. Karen: Huh. The mouth-rapist who sleeps with prostitutes is offended. Hank: No. Come on. Look, my ethical unpredictability is default proof of its hard-won vitality. Because I'm not, like, by rote or programmatic about it. I think this shit through, every issue.

Coke Dick & First Kick [2.06]

Mia: Hank Moody, this is Annika Staley of Rolling Stone Magazine. Hank: Really? The Rolling Stone Magazine? The one that used to have some cultural relevance?

In a Lonely Place [2.07]

Karen: [at parent-teacher meeting] Well, long story short, we were together, and now we're apart. Hank: Again. Mrs. Patterson: So, you're divorced? Hank: Not exactly. Mrs. Patterson: It's okay. I'm not judging. You know, I'm divorced. Pretty recently, actually. Karen: Oh, I'm sorry. Hank: Right on! Karen: Hank. We were never married so... Hank: No, but I did ask... a number of times. Karen: Okay, not the time or the place, Hank. Hank: I gave her a ring, she gave it back. I gave it to a homeless woman. Mrs. Patterson: I'm sorry. That's so sad. Hank: It worked out for the homeless woman.

In a Lonely Place [2.07]

Karen: We're together when it comes to raising Becca. Hank: Well, yes, but not always. For instance, I want Becca to be a lesbian when she grows up, and Karen just wants her to be happy. That's ridiculous. Like you can't be both? A happy lesbian?

In a Lonely Place [2.07]

[hugging Karen] Your hair smells good. Smells like lady hair.

In a Lonely Place [2.07]

Hank: How was I supposed to know who his mother was? Karen: Oh, well, if you were not so preoccupied with sticking your dick in any hole that will have you, you might notice these things. Hank: Yes, but you kicked my dick out of the house. You made my dick homeless. And out of doors is a place where penises don't generally fare well, in the rain and the wind and all that. Karen: Hank, will you shut up, okay? Hank: My homeless dick now must seek shelter from the storm where and whence it can. Karen: Did she say to you, "Oh, Hank, I love your writing"? Hank: You see that? This is why we should be together. You just know my shit. It's perfect.

Blues from Laurel Canyon [2.11]

Becca: It's recently come to my attention that men cannot be trusted. Lew: Truer words have never been spoken.

JFK --> LAX [5.01]

[To Cali on the plane]

Perverts & Whores [5.10]

Hank: [as Charlie walks away] See you in hell [falsetto] MOTHERFUCKER! Charlie: [turns around and yells] Don't say motherfucker like that! It makes me miss you!

Perverts & Whores [5.10]

Karen: How was your day... honey? Hank: Uh... weird. I spent the day with perverts and whores. Karen: Well... Hank: Don't worry. I didn't sleep with any of them. Close, but I didn't take my cigar out. Karen: Gross, and I don't even care. Hank: Sure you do, Karen. Karen: No, I don't. Anyway, I don't even have a right to care about such things. Hank: You do too... have rights. You have the baby mama's bill of rights.

Levon [7.01]

Hank: [to Charlie] It's all right. It's all right, baby boy. Tonight we drink. Tomorrow you start making some phone calls. An opportunity will present itself. If not, we can always stuff our pockets full with rocks and walk hand-in-hand into the Pacific. Charlie: That sounds romantic.

Levon [7.01]

Charlie: Just don't come off as one of those snotty, pretentious fucks who looks down on television. Hank: Me? Never. Charlie: How is it? [points to a script in Hanks hand] Hank: To be honest, it's like a colonoscopy of the mind. Charlie: Hank. Hank: But if he asks, I will tell him it's "totes buckskin brill."

Levon [7.01]

I have squandered a lot of opportunities, it's true. I could give you a bunch of excuses. I could blame it on my masturbating agent or I could chalk it up to fear and self-loathing in Los Angeles, but the truth is that... I'm trying to grow the fuck up for once. You know, I'm on a quest to reclaim the best parts of myself before it's too buckskin late.