Quotes

Dialogue

Barbara, I don't think we survived that crash.

Dialogue

Delia: I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here? Lydia: I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food. Delia: This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one? Charles: Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement. Lydia: My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room. Delia: So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.

Dialogue

[on the new house] Delia hates it. [sees a huge spider on a web] I could live here.

Dialogue

Charles: Pumpkin, sweetheart... [kisses her and forces her out his study room] Go help your mother. Lydia: Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can't. [leaves the room]

Dialogue

Juno: What's wrong? Barbara: We're very unhappy. Juno: What did you expect? You're dead.

Dialogue

Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic? Adam: [under the bedsheets] We're ghosts! Lydia: What do you look like under there? Adam: Aren't you scared? Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus? Adam: Night of the what? Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie. Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared outta my wits. Lydia: Of course I can see you. Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can? Lydia: Well, I've read through that Handbook for the Recently Deceased. It says: 'Live people ignore the strange and unusual'. I, myself, am strange and unusual. Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me. Adam: You've read our book? Lydia: Yeah. Adam: You can follow it? Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom? Adam: We were trying to scare your mother. Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with "Prince Valium"

Dialogue

Adam: For instance, uh, what are your qualifications? Beetlejuice: [refined voice] Ah, well...I attended Juilliard...I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. [getting progressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTIN' FUNNIER EVERY... SINGLE...TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKIN’ TO A DEAD GUY! [screams] NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! [quietly] You think I'm qualified? Adam: Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary? Beetlejuice: Oh! I didn't know what you were askin' me. Can I be scary? What do ya think of this? [shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream; back to normal] You like it?

Dialogue

Barbara: [about the whorehouse (Dante's Inferno) in the model] Adam, why did you build that? Adam: I didn't. Juno: [to the football players] Will you guys shut up and leave me alone? I've got all this paperwork to do. [to the Maitlands] You two, come in. Sit down. Get in here, both of ya! The whorehouse was my idea. I want Beetlejuice out of the picture! You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the Handbook! Adam: When? Juno: [rolls her eyes] Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death. Dumb Football Player: Coach? Coach, where's the men's room? Juno: I'm not your coach! He survived. Very Dumb Football Player: Wait, Coach. Let me get somethin’ straight. What's our curfew around here? Juno: Will you get outta here?! Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are ya kidding? Can't you

Dialogue

I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.

Dialogue

Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you? Beetlejuice: [laying on a lounge chair on the balcony of Dante's Inferno] Dead. Dead, dead, deadski. Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts. Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, outta here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh. Lydia: Are you a ghost too? Beetlejuice: I'm the ghost with the most, babe. [gets up from his lounge chair] Y'know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get outta here, y'know, 'cause I gotta tell ya: this dead thing is- [picks up and eats a beetle from the ground] -it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem; I got these friends on the outside I said I'd meet, y'know, and it's the kinda thing I have to be there in person, y'know, so I was just wondering...could you help me get outta here? Lydia: [sighs sadly] I wanna get in. Beetlejuice: [confused] Why?...Y'know, hey, you probably got your reasons. I can't do anything from here. If you could get me out, over there, then maybe