Quotes

Others

Leo Bloom: [reading the title of the play for the first time] "Springtime for Hitler: A Gay Romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden"... Wow... Franz Liebekind: I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you! Franz Liebekind: Adolf Elizabeth Hitler

Dialogue

Leo: Mr. Bialystock, I cannot FUNCTION under these conditions! [pulls out his blue blanket and hugs it] You're making me extremely nervous. Max: What is that, a handkerchief? Leo: What? [hides his blue blanket behind his back] Nothing, it's nothing. Max: If it's nothing, why can't I see it? [grabs Leo's blue blanket out of his hand] Leo: [gasps] M-MY BLANKET! MY BLUE BLANKET!! GIMME MY BLUE BLANKET!!! [goes crazy] Max: Sshhh! Here, here, here! Don't panic! Don't panic. [hands Leo's blue blanket back to him. Leo calms down] Leo: [sighs] I'm sorry. I don't like people touching my blue blanket. It's not important, it's a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting. [kisses his blue blanket and puts it back in his pocket]

Dialogue

Max: [TELEVISION EDIT: reading post-show telegrams]..."Congratulations - it's the biggest hit on Broadway!"..."Congratulations - 'Hitler' will run forever!"..."Congratulations..." "Congratulations...!" Leo: [looking queasy] Max! Please don't say that word again. Max: What word? You mean, Congra-- Leo: DON'T SAY IT! [calmer] I'm scared that, if I hear it just once more, I'll start getting sick to my stomach and I won't be able to stop. [At that moment, Roger DeBris comes in with a tray of champagne and glasses] Roger: CONGRATULATIONS! [Sure enough, Leo whirls and bolts into their office lavatory; we hear him throwing up] Have you seen the lines at the box office? It's a torrent! It's an avalanche! It's the BIGGEST HIT ON BROADWAY! [Now it's Max's turn to look queasy] Max: LEO! MOVE OVER! [He charges into the bathroom; we hear him vomiting, followed by Leo groaning loudly] ...Sorry about that, pal.

Dialogue

Max: ...So, in order for this scheme to work, we'd have to find a surefire flop! Leo: [completely changing his tone in mid-sentence] Yes! That's exactly WHAT SCHEME!? Max: Why, your scheme, you bloody little genius! Leo: I meant no scheme. I merely posed an academic accounting theory. It was just a thought. Max: [classic expression] Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts.

Dialogue

Leo: Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man. Max: [classic expression] Assume away.

Dialogue

Max: You miserable, cowardly, wretched, little caterpillar. Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you wanna spread your wings and flap your way to glory?! Leo: You're gonna jump on me. Max: Huh? Leo: You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Poppaea! Max: Who? Leo: Poppaea!! She was his wife, and she was unfaithful to him! So, he got mad! AND HE JUMPED ON HER, UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN, UNTIL HE SQUASHED HER LIKE A BUG! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME!! Max: I'M NOT GONNA JUMP ON YA!!! Leo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Max: WILL YOU GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!! Leo: DON'T TOUCH ME, DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!! Max: I'm not gonna hurt you! What's the matter with you?! Leo: I'm hysterical! I'm having hysterics! I'm hysterical! I can't stop when I get like this! I can't stop, I'm hysterical- Leo: ...I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WE- Leo: ...I'M IN PAIN! ...AND I'M WET! ...AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL! No, don't hit, don't hit! It only increases me sense of dange

Dialogue

Franz Liebekind: You know, not many people knew it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer. Max: Really, I never dreamed that... Franz Liebekind: That is because that you were taken in by that verdammte Allied propaganda! Such filthy lies! They told lies! But nobody ever said a bad word about Winston Churchill, did they? No! 'Win with Winnie!' Churchill! With his cigars. With his brandy. And his rotten painting, rotten! Hitler - there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two Coats! Churchill. He couldn't even say 'Nazi'. He would say 'Noooo-zeeehz, Nooooooooooooo-zeeehz!' It wasn't Noses! It was Nazis! Churchill!...Let me tell you this! And you're hearing this straight from the horse. Hitler was better looking than Churchill. He was a better dresser than Churchill. He had more hair! He told funnier jokes! And he could dance the pants off of Churchill!...Churchill!

Dialogue

Leo: [enraged, shrieking] FAT!!!!!!!! FAT!!!! FAT!! [punches Max in the stomach, knocking him to the floor, making him groan in agony] FAT!!! FAT!!!!! YOU FATTY!! [launches himself onto Max, attacking him] Just gimme those books, you fat walrus! Max: Never! Leo: Give 'em, quick! Grr-rrr! YOU FAT FATTY! GIMME THOSE FAT BOOKS!! Max: NO! No!

Dialogue

Jury Foreman: ...We find the defendants incredibly guilty. Leo: I would like to say something, your Honor. Not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock...Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life. Max: Don't help me. Leo: Not only is he a liar and a cheat and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never in a thousand years have dreamed of doing. But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... This man. No one ever called me Leo before. I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten, they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before. I mean with someone else. I never sang a song with someone else before. This man, this man,