The Producers

Leo Bloom: [reading the title of the play for the first time] "Springtime for Hitler: A Gay Romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden"... Wow... Franz Liebekind: I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you! Franz Liebekind: Adolf Elizabeth Hitler

The Producers (1967 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Leo: Mr. Bialystock, I cannot FUNCTION under these conditions! [pulls out his blue blanket and hugs it] You're making me extremely nervous. Max: What is that, a handkerchief? Leo: What? [hides his blue blanket behind his back] Nothing, it's nothing. Max: If it's nothing, why can't I see it? [grabs Leo's blue blanket out of his hand] Leo: [gasps] M-MY BLANKET! MY BLUE BLANKET!! GIMME MY BLUE BLANKET!!! [goes crazy] Max: Sshhh! Here, here, here! Don't panic! Don't panic. [hands Leo's blue blanket back to him. Leo calms down] Leo: [sighs] I'm sorry. I don't like people touching my blue blanket. It's not important, it's a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting. [kisses his blue blanket and puts it back in his pocket]

The Producers (1967 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Max: [TELEVISION EDIT: reading post-show telegrams]..."Congratulations - it's the biggest hit on Broadway!"..."Congratulations - 'Hitler' will run forever!"..."Congratulations..." "Congratulations...!" Leo: [looking queasy] Max! Please don't say that word again. Max: What word? You mean, Congra-- Leo: DON'T SAY IT! [calmer] I'm scared that, if I hear it just once more, I'll start getting sick to my stomach and I won't be able to stop. [At that moment, Roger DeBris comes in with a tray of champagne and glasses] Roger: CONGRATULATIONS! [Sure enough, Leo whirls and bolts into their office lavatory; we hear him throwing up] Have you seen the lines at the box office? It's a torrent! It's an avalanche! It's the BIGGEST HIT ON BROADWAY! [Now it's Max's turn to look queasy] Max: LEO! MOVE OVER! [He charges into the bathroom; we hear him vomiting, followed by Leo groaning loudly] ...Sorry about that, pal.

The Producers (1967 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Max: ...So, in order for this scheme to work, we'd have to find a surefire flop! Leo: [completely changing his tone in mid-sentence] Yes! That's exactly WHAT SCHEME!? Max: Why, your scheme, you bloody little genius! Leo: I meant no scheme. I merely posed an academic accounting theory. It was just a thought. Max: [classic expression] Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts.

The Producers (1967 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Leo: Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man. Max: [classic expression] Assume away.

The Producers (1967 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Max: You miserable, cowardly, wretched, little caterpillar. Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you wanna spread your wings and flap your way to glory?! Leo: You're gonna jump on me. Max: Huh? Leo: You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Poppaea! Max: Who? Leo: Poppaea!! She was his wife, and she was unfaithful to him! So, he got mad! AND HE JUMPED ON HER, UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN, UNTIL HE SQUASHED HER LIKE A BUG! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME!! Max: I'M NOT GONNA JUMP ON YA!!! Leo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Max: WILL YOU GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!! Leo: DON'T TOUCH ME, DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!! Max: I'm not gonna hurt you! What's the matter with you?! Leo: I'm hysterical! I'm having hysterics! I'm hysterical! I can't stop when I get like this! I can't stop, I'm hysterical- Leo: ...I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WE- Leo: ...I'M IN PAIN! ...AND I'M WET! ...AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL! No, don't hit, don't hit! It only increases me sense of dange

The Producers (1967 film), CC BY-SA 4.0