Quotes

Dialogue

Morty O'Reilly: I'm gonna have to level with you. Siamese twins ain't the easiest sell I've ever had. Bob: We're not Siamese. We're American.

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Walt: What's a four-letter word for snatch? Bob: Grab. Walt: Oh... right. Whoopsie.

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[to extremely young lover, while in bed together] Go to bed. You have a geography test in the morning.

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She's got mace.

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Bob: We share a liver. April: Are you sure you even need a liver?

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Dart in Head Guy: [with dart stuck in his head] Hey, do I look different to you? Man: You got a dart in your head, you dumb shit.

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Walt: Think about it. You'll be able to read a book alone, play golf by yourself, [whispering] masturbate in private like the good Lord intended. Bob: What are you talking about? Walt: Oh, please. Last night, it was like trying to sleep next to a paint-shaker.

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April: Can I ask you a personal question? Walt: Nine inches.

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April: [after surgery to separate the twins] Bob, you look good. Walt: He looks good. What am I, chopped liver? April: Actually, yeah.

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Rocket: [Bob is doing a bad job of cooking burgers by himself] Hey, Bob, get the lead out of your ass! Bob: Hey, up yours, Rocket! Rocket: [sarcastically] Oh, nice comeback.

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Walt: Are you kidding? You could win a humanitarian award for how nice you were to us. Cher: Aww... no. Well, really, is there talk of me getting one? Walt: No, no, it's just a figure of speech.

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Doctor 1: I'm afraid... we lost them. [girls gasp and begin to cry; other doctor enters] Doctor 2: It's okay, they'd been taken up to the top floor. We found them.

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This makes Touched By An Angel look like Trainspotting.

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Hey, Freaks!

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Man in burger bar: [to Rocket] Hey! I ordered diet coke! Rocket: Enjoy your meal. Man in burger bar: [to Bob] Hey, you shouldn't have freaks in here! Bob: You know, you're absolutely right, we don't want freaks in here, so Rocket, would you kindly show this freak to the door?

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Walt: What's a three-letter word for man's best friend? April: Tit? Walt: No, I've tried that already.

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[to Walt] Don't you walk away from me!

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Morty O'Reilly: If you do this, you're committing career suicide. Walt: That's what they said when Erik Estrada quit "CHiPS". Morty O'Reilly: You're shitting me. He quit?

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Walt: All right. Burgers on the house! Bob: He's just kiddin', you cheap bastards.

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Walt: Hey, Dave. How about another tall one? Dave: Got it. How about you there, Bob? Bob: No, no. No, I'm cool. I'm the designated walker tonight.

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I was a bitch with a capital C.

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1st AD: Excuse me, Miss Cher, there's a few fans outside hoping for autographs. Cher: Allright, but I am not taking any pictures. Cute Autograph Girl: Oh shit, it's just Cher.

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[to Bob and Walt] Look, I was hoping we could have a word in private, I mean just the three of us.

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May: [to motel clerk] Hey, you wouldn't happen to know if Bob was alone, would you? Moe: I highly doubt it.

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Bob: Hey, I'm alone! Convenience Store Patron: Great, buddy, you're gonna stay that way, too!

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Mimmy: Bob, the people at Table 14 are really hungry, where's the food? Bob: How much time have I got left? Mimmy: You're already 14 minutes over! Bob: Well, then, what are they bitching about? They're gonna get a free meal.

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Bob: We flew over the Grand Canyon on our way out here. May: Really? Bob: Yeah, it's way different from the Vineyard. You know, with the big hole and shit. Um, and it's orange.

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Walt: Christ, Bob, you haven't been laid in five years. Bob: Hey, how you know? [Walt gives him a serious look] Damn.

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Boozing with Cher... boozing with Cher...

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Walt: She'll be back. Where else is she gonna find a guy like you? Bob: I don't know. Chernobyl?

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[to Walt, on the operating table just before the twins are anesthetized for dangerous separation surgery] Promise me you'll still be there when I wake up.

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Hi, how are ya? My name's Bob Tenor, but I'm really more of a baritone.

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Walt: Time's up, Casanever. Can I join you for a drink? Bar Hottie: Sure. Walt: Okay, what's your name? Bar Hottie: Debbie. Walt: Hi, I'm Walt Tenor. Bar Hottie: Nice to meet you. Walt: Nice to meet you!