Quotes

Christian Markelli

Christian: Well, apparently poor Pam Anderson has had her breast implants taken out and put back in so many times that her entire chest is collapsing. Ohh, they have bikini pictures. [gasps] They're horrible! Keith: Shut up. Christian: No, they are, seriously, they're down to her knees.

Andrew

Andrew: I dated this guy once, actor, cute, Southern, came from this real religious family. Well, his parents found out he was gay and can you say drama? They sent him to one of those Christian change ministries. Traci: Wow, did he change? Andrew: Did he? Miss Thang used to be a top. I'm serious. He's still gayer than a box of birds.

Andrew

Andrew: I dated this Mormon guy once, his family put him through shock therapy. We'd have sex, he was a wild man. Then he'd want to throw himself out the window. Traci: So? You live on the first floor. Andrew: Yes, but it's hell on my azaleas.

Andrew

Julie: What, you would have sex to help your career? Andrew: Honey, I've blown a guy just to get him out of my apartment. Sex for my career would be noble.

Other

Who called up Deliver-a-fag?

Other

Christ, who pissed in your cheerios?

Other

They set this thing up to be difficult, ok? We can't listen to music, we can't watch movies, we're never supposed to be alone. I mean, what, we're ninteen, twenty years old and we're not even allowed to beat off. Some nights I wake up, and I find teeth marks on my headboard. Look, I put my time in here, so that I can go home, so that I can marry Jennifer, so that I can finally nail her. See? It's amazing what we'll do for sex.

Other

I used to be you. Yeah, I had a career, friends, looks, the whole package. But now I'm just a skeletal reminder that we may only be in the eye of the hurricane.

Other

Christ, my butt has wasted away to nothing. It's too bad, cos I used to have a killer ass. I did. I've got pictures of it around here somewhere.

Other

Talk? Cool. I'm into that. Ugh, fuck yeah, I'm your nasty little slutboy. I'm your pussywhore. Are you gonna spank momma's ass because she's been a bad, bad, girl? [slaps Christian's ass]

Other

Oh for flippin'...Gross! Looks like prettyboy isn't the only fag here!

Other

You better betcha they're putting your boyfriend's butt on a plane home this afternoon, and now, we have to move again! Cos we can't live across from some big, doodah flamer homo. Thankyou very much.

Other

If we've reached a point where you're dragging on my day, then we've got a problem. Seriously, you gotta do something. It's time to make a move. Just find a way to get past this.

Dialogue

Julie: And you, you can tell that friend of yours, to go fuck himself. Andrew: You know, I only have one friend who can actually do that, and I doubt you've met.

Dialogue

Christian: Where did we end up last night? Julie: I don't know, but I woke up without my bra, that's never a good sign.

Dialogue

Ryder: Yeah, God hates homos. Christian: You're gonna come into my house and tell me God hates homosexuals? Aaron: And the French. Ryder: [puzzled] God hates the French? Aaron: Everyone hates the French.

Dialogue

Julie: Why don't we play two-on-two? Ryder: But you're... Julie: A girl? So I can't play. But then again, I am black, so maybe I can. Your problem's gonna be deciding which one of your narrow-minded stereotypes is gonna kick your lily-white ass. Ryder: Yeah, right. Julie: Afraid you'll get beat? Christian: By a girl, and a fag? Ryder: We'll mop you like a dirty floor.

Dialogue

Aaron: It looks like you're bleeding. You ok? Christian: Um, nah, I'm fine, just go back to your reading.

Dialogue

Gilford: Dang it Elder, I'm gonna hit you and it's gonna hurt. Harmon: I don't know what pain is. Harmon: Ah! Ow! Hey, that hurt! Gilford: I warned you.

Dialogue

Aaron: Maybe you equate sex with a handshake and that's what? Like a badge? What do you want me to congratulate you? Christian: Hey, don't you preach to me, ok? Who are you, some kid from the sticks? You come in here and think you can fucking judge me? Aaron: Oh yeah, I'm just some doodah pudknocker from Pocatello. They ship us here from Dork Island. Christian: [laughing] What? Aaron: I'm saying I know how retarded you think I am, ok? You found me out, all right? My worst secret. And I'm humiliated now, so your work is done here. Christian: Wait, I don't think you're a dork. But if you know how ridiculous you look, why would you do it? Aaron: Don't you believe in anything? Christian: Yeah. Aaron: Then tell me! You tell me one thing in your life, one thing without a shadow of a doubt that you really believe. Christian: I believe that Ann Margaret has never been given her due as an actress. Aaron: Duh, for Tommy alone and did you see her when she was...

Dialogue

Christian: Do you believe in God? Andrew: You mean other than Madonna?

Dialogue

Andrew: Quit bitching. It's the early bird that gets the worm. Christian: Huh, there's an incentive, expecially when you can get pizza til 2am. Andrew: Ok, here's the deal. After your training, I'm gonna set you up with a route. Christian: A route? On my first day? Andrew: It's what you do already, it's delivering food - only this time you're driving. Think of yourself as a waiter on wheels. Christian: Great. Give me some hot pants and roller skates, this will be the fulfillment of a dream. Andrew: [looks Christian up and down] For all of us.

Dialogue

Mort: Conversation? Why? Christian: Don't you ever want to get to know someone? Have it... mean something. Sleep with someone and actually sleep with them. Mort: You want to, what? Sleep, together? I don't know, man. Isn't that kinda intimate? Christian: Excuse me, a moment ago you were licking my spleen, but sleeping with you would be too intimate?

Dialogue

Keith Griffin: It doesn't matter, I'm still not hungry. Christian: I don't remember asking if you were. I just deliver this stuff, remember? But my friend Andrew made this and he doesn't even cook for his boyfriends so the least you could do is try to be polite... and eat it. Keith Griffin: I don't have to pretend to be polite. I think I've, I think I've earned that right. Christian: Oh yes, that's right; you're dying, you're bitter, blah, blah, blah... Fortunately I'm shallow so I'm impervious to that, now eat it. Keith Griffin: Impervious? Bet you don't know how to spell that. Christian: Sure I do, it's spelled: Bite me. And just to show that our little problems in this world don't amount to a hill of beans, I'm gonna read about some people that have some real trouble.

Dialogue

Aaron: I am being sent home in shame. And I'm probably going to be ex-communicated. Christian: For just a kiss? Don't get me wrong, it was a nice kiss, but hey, come on, we didn't even get to use our tongues.

Dialogue

Julie: Wait, are you still not over missionary man? Christian: I don't know. Julie: Chris... Christian: It's weird with him disappearing like that. Julie: Ok, well then, just stop moping like a school girl, and do something about it. Call him. Christian: Just dial 1-800-TORTURED MORMON? Julie: Probably. It sounds like there are enough of them.

Dialogue

Elder Farron Davis: As president of the Pocatello stake it is my unhappy duty and obligation to convene this church court on behalf of the Elder Aaron Davis for the grave and grievous sin, of homosexuality. In the light of your abnormal and abominable state and your refusal to see you have been duped into a hogwash alternative lifestyle...I wish my shame was enough for both of us. Not to mention the shame you brought to this church...our family...our ancestors... Aaron: Wait a minute, our ancestors? Dad, your grandfather had half a dozen wives, and the same goes for every single person in this room. I'd say we were the original definition of 'alternative lifestyle.' Elder Farron Davis: Are you calling us hypocrites? Aaron: No, we've gone way beyond hypocrisy, Dad, now we're just being mean.

Dialogue

Julie: Now, I don't want you to snap to some judgement. Christian: Why? Is it some kind of a nasty ass Christina Aguilera skank-a-rama kinda video?

Dialogue

Aaron: After we, after we met, I was sent home and excommunicated from my church... for being gay. Lila: Your church doesn't like alcohol or homosexuals. Hmm... Well, I definitely won't be joining. Can't imagine heaven without both.