Quotes

Plan A: Captain Cook

Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there? Baldrick: I'm carving something on this bullet, sir. Blackadder: What are you carving? Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir! Blackadder: Why? Baldrick: It's part of a cunning plan, actually! Blackadder: Of course it is. Baldrick: You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it? Blackadder: [haltingly] Yyyyyyyyes...? Baldrick: Well, I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it! Cause I'll never shoot myself... Blackadder: Oh, shame! Baldrick: ...and the chances of there being two bullets with my name are very small indeed! Blackadder: Yes, it's not the only thing around here that's "very small indeed". Your brain, for example. It's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

Plan B: Corporal Punishment

Blackadder: Ah, Baldrick, anything from Massingbird yet? Baldrick: Yes, sir. Just arrived, sir. Blackadder: What's that? Baldrick: A sponge bag, sir. Blackadder: A sponge bag? Baldrick: Yes, sir. Blackadder: Baldrick, I gave you two notes. You sent the note asking for a sponge bag to the finest mind in British legal history? Baldrick: Certainly did, sir. Blackadder: And you sent the note asking for legal representation to...? George: [enters the cell wearing a lawyer's robe and wig] Well, tally ho with a bing and a bong and a buzz, buzz, buzz! Blackadder: Baldrick, I'll deal with you later. [to George] Am I to understand that you are going to be representing me at the court martial. George: Oh, yes, sir. Bit of a family tradition, actually. My uncle's a lawyer, you know. Blackadder: Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not? George: Good lord, no. I'm an absolute duffer at this sort of thing. In a school debating society, I was voted the boy least likely to complete a coherent, um... Black

Plan B: Corporal Punishment

Perkins: Chap here to see you, Captain. Blackadder: What does he look like? Perkins: Short, ugly. Blackadder: [dull surprise] Hello, Baldrick. Baldrick: [holding a bag] I brought you some food, sir, for your final breakfast tomorrow. Blackadder: Ah, so you're not pinning much hope on a last minute reprieve then. Baldrick: No, sir, you are as dead as some doo-doos. Blackadder: The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo". "Dead as a dodo". Perkins: Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I? [leaves] Baldrick: Do not despair, sir. All my talk of food was just a dead herring. In fact, I have a cunning plan. This is not food, but an escape kit. Blackadder: Good Lord! With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes, a Swiss passport, and a huge false moustache, I may just stand a chance. Baldrick: Ah... Blackadder: [looking in the bag] Let's see, what have we here. [holds out a small painted wooden duck] A small painted wooden duck. Baldrick: Yeah, I thought if you get caught near wat

Plan B: Corporal Punishment

Blackadder: "George, my boy, outraged to read in dispatches of how that arse, Melchett, made such a pig's ear of your chum Blackadder's court martial. Have reversed the decision forthwith. Surprised you didn't ask me to do it yourself, actually." George: Well, yes, sir. Uh, the thing is- Blackadder: You two got whammed last night, didn't you? George: Well, not whammed, exactly. A little tiddly perhaps- Blackadder: And you forgot the telegram to your uncle. George: Well, no, no. Not completely. Partially. Well, yes. Yes, entirely. Baldrick: I think I can explain, sir. Blackadder: Can you, Baldrick? Baldrick: [thinks for a second] No. Blackadder: As I suspected. I'm not a religious man, as you know, but henceforth I shall nightly pray to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into practice on the pair of you. [the phone rings] Captain Blackadder speaking. Ah, Captain Darling. Yes, well, some of us just have friends in high places, I supp

Plan C: Major Star

Baldrick: Sir, it's all over the trenches! Blackadder: Well, mop it up then! Baldrick: No sir, the news! The Russian Revolution has started! The masses have risen up and shot all their nobs! George: Well, hurrah! Blackadder: Oh no, the bloody Russians have pulled out of the war! George: Well, we soon saw them off, didn't we? Miserable, slant-eyed sausage-eating swine! Blackadder: The Russians are on our side, George. George: [surprised] Are they? Oh. Blackadder: And they've abandoned the Eastern Front. Baldrick: And they've overthrown Nicholas II who used to be bizarre! Blackadder: Who used to be the tsar, Baldrick. The point is that now that the Russians have made peace with the Kaiser, at this very moment a quarter of a million Germans are leaving the Russian Front and coming here with the express purpose of using my nipples for target practice. There's only one thing for it - I'm going to desert, and I'm gonna do it right now. [about to leave] Melchett: [showing up, menacingly] Are

Plan C: Major Star

Melchett: God, it's a spankingly beautiful world, and tonight's my night! I know exactly what I'll say to her. "Darling..." Darling: Yes, sir? Melchett: What? Darling: Um...I don't know, sir. Melchett: Well, don't butt in! [exhales] "I want to make you happy, darling." Darling: Well, that's very kind of you, sir. Melchett: Will you kindly stop interrupting?! If you don't listen, how can you tell me what you think?! "I want to make you happy, darling. I want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes. I want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body in pepper, and then sneeze all over you!" Darling: [appalled]Really, sir! I must protest! Melchett: What is the matter with you, Darling?! Darling: Well, it's just all so sudden, sir. I mean the nest bit's fine, but the pepper business is definitely out! Melchett: How dare you tell me how I may or may not treat my beloved Georgina! Darling: [confused] Georgina? Melchett: Yes! I'm working on what I want to say to her this evening! Darling: [reali

Plan D: Private Plane

Blackadder: Oh God, why do they bother? George: Well, it's to kill Jerry, isn't it, sir? Blackadder: Yes, but Jerry is safe underground in concrete bunkers. We've shot off over a million cannon shells, and what's the result? One dachshund with a slight limp. [looks out of the trench] SHUT UP!!! [all the noises stop, except for the gramophone player in the background] Thank you. Right, I'm off to bed where I intend to sleep until my name changes to Rip van Adder.

Plan D: Private Plane

Blackadder: [on the telephone] Hello? Yes, I'd like to leave a message for the head of the Flying Corps, please. That's Air Chief Marshal Sir Hugh Massingbird, VC, DFC and BAR. Message reads "Where are you, you bastard?". Baldrick: Here I am, sir. Blackadder: For god's sake, Baldrick, take cover! Baldrick: Why, sir? Blackadder: Because there's an air raid going on! And I don't want to have to write to your mother at London Zoo to tell her that her only human child is dead.

Plan D: Private Plane

Flashheart: [to the volunteers] All right! [shaking his rear end] Let's do-o-o-o-o-o-o it! The first thing to remember is: always treat your kite [whacks the diagram with the pointer] like you treat your woman! [whips the air, hard] George: Ho-How do you mean, sir? You mean, um...you mean, take her home over the weekend to meet your mother? Flashheart: No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back! Blackadder: I'm beginning to see why the Suffragette Movement want the vote. Flashheart: Hey, any bird who wants to chain herself to my railings and suffer a jet movement gets my vote! Right, well, I'll see you in ten minutes for takeoff! Blackadder: Hang on! Hang on! What about the months of training?! Flashheart: Hey, Wet Pants, this isn't the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps! You're in the Twenty Minuters now! Darling: Excuse me, sir? Flashheart: Yes! Prat at the back! Darling: Um, I think we'd all like to know why you're called the Twenty Minuters. George: Oh,

Plan E: General Hospital

Blackadder: I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with 'T'. Baldrick: Breakfast! Blackadder: What? Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage, and then an egg with some little soldiers. Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with 'T', I was talking about a letter. Baldrick: No, it never begins with a letter. The postman don't come 'til ten thirty.

Plan E: General Hospital

Darling: The Germans seem to be able to anticipate our every move. We send up an airplane, there's a Jerry squadron parked behind the nearest cloud. We move troops to Boulogne, the Germans have bought the entire town's supply of lavatory paper. In short, a German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans. Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder. Blackadder: I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise that we had any battle plans. Melchett: Well of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed? Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir? Melchett: Well of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the grand plan. Blackadder: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except for Field Marshall Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan? Melchett: [horrified] Great Scott! Even you know it! Guard, guard, bolt all the doors! Hammer large pieces of crooked wood against all the windows! This security leak is far worse than we'd imagin

Plan E: General Hospital

Melchett: Any news of the spy, Blackadder? Blackadder: Yes, sir. Melchett: Excellent! The Germans seem to know every move we make! I even had a letter from Jerry yesterday. It said "Isn't it about time you changed your shirts, Walrus Face?". Do you have any ideas on who it might be, young lady? Nurse Mary: Well, sir, I'm only a humble nurse, but I did at one point think it might have been... Captain Darling. Melchett: Well, bugger me with a fish fork! Old Darling a Jerry Morse-tapper? What on earth made you suspect him? Nurse Mary: Well, sir, he pooh-poohed the captain and said he'd never find the spy. Melchett: [paternally] Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you? Blackadder: Well, perhaps a little. Melchett: Well, damn it all, what more evidence do you need?! The pooh-poohing alone is a court-martial offense! Blackadder: I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial. Melchett: Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I'v

Plan F: Goodbyeee

George: Sir...I'm scared, sir. Baldrick: I'm scared too, sir. George: I'm the last of the tiddly-winking leap-froggers from the golden summer of 1914. I don't want to die...I'm really not overly keen on dying at all, sir. Blackadder: How are you feeling, Darling? Darling: Ah, not all that good, Blackadder. Rather thought I'd get through the whole show, go back to working at Pratt and Sons, keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen, marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says "Bugger". Blackadder: Well, quite.

Plan F: Goodbyeee

Darling: Listen...Our guns have stopped. George: You don't think...? Baldrick: [with rising hope] Maybe...the war's over. Maybe it's peace! George: [overjoyed] Oh, hurrah! The big knobs have gone round the table and yanked the iron out of the fire! Darling: [also overjoyed] Thank God! We lived through it! The Great War, 1914 to 1917! George: Hip-hip... George, Baldrick and Darling: HOORAY! Blackadder: [sadly] I'm afraid...not. The guns have stopped because we're about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They think it's far more sporting to let the Germans do it. George: [afraid] So we are, in fact, going over? This is, as they say, "it"? Blackadder: I'm afraid so. Unless I can think of something very quickly. Captain in background: Company, one pace forward! Baldrick: Oh, there's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir! A bloke could hurt himself on that! Captain in background: Stand ready! Baldrick: I have...a plan, sir. Blackadder: Really, Baldrick? A