Blackadder Goes Forth

Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there? Baldrick: I'm carving something on this bullet, sir. Blackadder: What are you carving? Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir! Blackadder: Why? Baldrick: It's part of a cunning plan, actually! Blackadder: Of course it is. Baldrick: You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it? Blackadder: [haltingly] Yyyyyyyyes...? Baldrick: Well, I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it! Cause I'll never shoot myself... Blackadder: Oh, shame! Baldrick: ...and the chances of there being two bullets with my name are very small indeed! Blackadder: Yes, it's not the only thing around here that's "very small indeed". Your brain, for example. It's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

Blackadder Goes Forth (series 4), CC BY-SA 4.0

Blackadder: Ah, Baldrick, anything from Massingbird yet? Baldrick: Yes, sir. Just arrived, sir. Blackadder: What's that? Baldrick: A sponge bag, sir. Blackadder: A sponge bag? Baldrick: Yes, sir. Blackadder: Baldrick, I gave you two notes. You sent the note asking for a sponge bag to the finest mind in British legal history? Baldrick: Certainly did, sir. Blackadder: And you sent the note asking for legal representation to...? George: [enters the cell wearing a lawyer's robe and wig] Well, tally ho with a bing and a bong and a buzz, buzz, buzz! Blackadder: Baldrick, I'll deal with you later. [to George] Am I to understand that you are going to be representing me at the court martial. George: Oh, yes, sir. Bit of a family tradition, actually. My uncle's a lawyer, you know. Blackadder: Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not? George: Good lord, no. I'm an absolute duffer at this sort of thing. In a school debating society, I was voted the boy least likely to complete a coherent, um... Black

Blackadder Goes Forth (series 4), CC BY-SA 4.0

Perkins: Chap here to see you, Captain. Blackadder: What does he look like? Perkins: Short, ugly. Blackadder: [dull surprise] Hello, Baldrick. Baldrick: [holding a bag] I brought you some food, sir, for your final breakfast tomorrow. Blackadder: Ah, so you're not pinning much hope on a last minute reprieve then. Baldrick: No, sir, you are as dead as some doo-doos. Blackadder: The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo". "Dead as a dodo". Perkins: Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I? [leaves] Baldrick: Do not despair, sir. All my talk of food was just a dead herring. In fact, I have a cunning plan. This is not food, but an escape kit. Blackadder: Good Lord! With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes, a Swiss passport, and a huge false moustache, I may just stand a chance. Baldrick: Ah... Blackadder: [looking in the bag] Let's see, what have we here. [holds out a small painted wooden duck] A small painted wooden duck. Baldrick: Yeah, I thought if you get caught near wat

Blackadder Goes Forth (series 4), CC BY-SA 4.0

Blackadder: "George, my boy, outraged to read in dispatches of how that arse, Melchett, made such a pig's ear of your chum Blackadder's court martial. Have reversed the decision forthwith. Surprised you didn't ask me to do it yourself, actually." George: Well, yes, sir. Uh, the thing is- Blackadder: You two got whammed last night, didn't you? George: Well, not whammed, exactly. A little tiddly perhaps- Blackadder: And you forgot the telegram to your uncle. George: Well, no, no. Not completely. Partially. Well, yes. Yes, entirely. Baldrick: I think I can explain, sir. Blackadder: Can you, Baldrick? Baldrick: [thinks for a second] No. Blackadder: As I suspected. I'm not a religious man, as you know, but henceforth I shall nightly pray to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into practice on the pair of you. [the phone rings] Captain Blackadder speaking. Ah, Captain Darling. Yes, well, some of us just have friends in high places, I supp

Blackadder Goes Forth (series 4), CC BY-SA 4.0

Baldrick: Sir, it's all over the trenches! Blackadder: Well, mop it up then! Baldrick: No sir, the news! The Russian Revolution has started! The masses have risen up and shot all their nobs! George: Well, hurrah! Blackadder: Oh no, the bloody Russians have pulled out of the war! George: Well, we soon saw them off, didn't we? Miserable, slant-eyed sausage-eating swine! Blackadder: The Russians are on our side, George. George: [surprised] Are they? Oh. Blackadder: And they've abandoned the Eastern Front. Baldrick: And they've overthrown Nicholas II who used to be bizarre! Blackadder: Who used to be the tsar, Baldrick. The point is that now that the Russians have made peace with the Kaiser, at this very moment a quarter of a million Germans are leaving the Russian Front and coming here with the express purpose of using my nipples for target practice. There's only one thing for it - I'm going to desert, and I'm gonna do it right now. [about to leave] Melchett: [showing up, menacingly] Are

Blackadder Goes Forth (series 4), CC BY-SA 4.0

Melchett: God, it's a spankingly beautiful world, and tonight's my night! I know exactly what I'll say to her. "Darling..." Darling: Yes, sir? Melchett: What? Darling: Um...I don't know, sir. Melchett: Well, don't butt in! [exhales] "I want to make you happy, darling." Darling: Well, that's very kind of you, sir. Melchett: Will you kindly stop interrupting?! If you don't listen, how can you tell me what you think?! "I want to make you happy, darling. I want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes. I want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body in pepper, and then sneeze all over you!" Darling: [appalled]Really, sir! I must protest! Melchett: What is the matter with you, Darling?! Darling: Well, it's just all so sudden, sir. I mean the nest bit's fine, but the pepper business is definitely out! Melchett: How dare you tell me how I may or may not treat my beloved Georgina! Darling: [confused] Georgina? Melchett: Yes! I'm working on what I want to say to her this evening! Darling: [reali

Blackadder Goes Forth (series 4), CC BY-SA 4.0