Quotes

Dialogue

First Lady: [After seeing the Martians on TV for the first time] I'm not allowing that thing in my house. President Dale: Sweetie, we may have to. The people expect me to meet with them. First Lady: Well, they're not going to eat off the Van Buren china.

Dialogue

Art Land: So here's the deal. I got this chum, owes me a lot of money, needs a wake-up call. What I'd like you to do is, uh, use that patented left hook on him. Byron Williams: Just in the ring, Art. Just in the ring. Art Land: Yeah, I'm hip, I'm hip, but... I'll give you two grand. When you're done, all you must do is mosey on by the office and get the cash. Byron Williams: Why do you wanna come at me that way, huh? You know I'm trying to get back with my wife. We used to have problems with this same kind of shit. But I've changed, man. I found Allah, I don't eat pork, and I'm a better man. I faced that demon, I don't want him coming out again. Art Land: [After a short silence] You gave up pork?

Dialogue

Richie Norris: I bet you're psyched about the Martians coming, Grandma? I mean, you've seen a lot of crazy stuff already. Everyone must have been real scared when they invented the train! Grandma Florence Norris: Come on, kid, I'm not that old!

Dialogue

Billy Glenn Norris: Bye-bye, Grandma. Grandma Florence Norris: Goodbye, Thomas. Billy Glenn Norris: It's Billy Glenn, Grandma. Grandma Florence Norris: I know, Thomas.

Dialogue

Nathalie Lake: Jason, hi. It's me. Jason Stone: Are you wearing a bra?

Dialogue

Richie Norris: Is that okay? Taffy Dale: Yeah. You got a girlfriend? Richie Norris: No.

Dialogue

President Dale: What do you think, Marcia? First Lady: Kick the crap out of 'em!

Dialogue

Richie Norris: [After watching the Martians kill Congress on TV] Why did they do that? Hispanic woman at donut shop: Maybe they no liking the human being.

Dialogue

Richie Norris: The Martians just blew up the donut shop! Richie's Dad: Well, if they come around here, we'll blast them back into space! Richie Norris: Should I go get Grandma? Richie's Dad: Oh, forget Grandma! She's halfway into space already! Here, lock and load! (throws a shotgun to Richie) Sue Ann Norris: I'll tell ya one thing, they ain't getting the TV! (cocks gun)

Dialogue

Barbara Land: Do you have to drink in front of me? Art Land: You're an adult. Cope.

Dialogue

Barbara Land: Hello, my name is Barbara. AA Meeting: Hello, Barbara. Barbara Land: I am an alcoholic, but I haven't had a drink in three months!

Dialogue

Barbara Land: Know anyone who can fly a plane? Byron Williams: Yeah, your husband Art. Barbara Land: No... he's dead. I told him this was gonna happen.

Dialogue

Gen. Decker: [In the White House] They don't know what the hell they're talking about. Liberals, intellectuals, peacemongers, IDIOTS! Taffy Dale: [Opens her bedroom door] Would you please keep it down? People live here.

Dialogue

President Dale: General Decker, it seems I owe you an apology. Gen. Decker: [Shrugging] Hey, we all make mistakes, Mr. President. President Dale: Not anymore. We're going to take charge of this thing! Gen. Decker: Excellent, sir! I have prepared the order. [Gives him a clipboard] President Dale: What's this? Gen. Decker: Oh, that's your executive order authorizing full use of our nuclear deterrent, sir. President Dale: [Laughs] Are you out of your mind? I'm not going to start a war! Gen. Decker: We're already at war, sir! We have to nuke 'em, we have to nuke 'em NOW! President Dale: General Decker, if you do not shut up, I am going to relieve you of your command. Gen. Decker: We have to strike now, sir! ANNIHILATE! KILL! KILL! KILL! President Dale: [Pounding his desk] SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT... UP!

Dialogue

Louise Williams: [Driving the Metro bus, notices her two sons, Cedric and Neville, playing Flesh Eaters at the video game arcade] Excuse me, folks. We've got to make an unscheduled STOP! [Stopping the bus at the video game arcade; Cedric and Neville glance at their mother] Neville Williams: Oh, man! It's Mama! Louise Williams: [Stops the bus and walks over to the two sons, annoyed] What are you doing here, huh?! If you ain't gonna come home, why aren't you in class?! Huh?! [Grabs Cedric] Cedric Williams: Mama, because class was cancelled! Louise Williams: Class was NOT cancelled! Cedric Williams: Yes, it was! Louise Williams: [To Neville] Will you come here! Neville Williams: For what? Louise Williams: Come here, I'm not gonna hurt you now, come here. Neville Williams: Let go of him. Louise Williams: [Lets go of Cedric] Okay. Now, just come here. Come here. [Neville walks over to her; she grabs Cedric and Neville annoyedly] Do you think you're smart to cut school, huh? Do you? Neville

Dialogue

Byron Williams: Barbara, you all right? Barbara Land: Huh? I need a drink... Rude Gambler: You and me both, baby!