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Little Nicky

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Peeper:   I think Victoria just told me her Secret. Priest/Adrian:   In today's gospel, the Lord tells us how we should live if we wish to attain the splendor of Heaven…or something like that. Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat! [hums a silly tune] Basketball audience member:   Now that was some straight-up David Copperfield shit! Stanley:   You can't go through there! The fire flows in, not out! [Cassius and Adrian go through fire gate] You really suck! Stanley:   Now, you're going to see what a big, horny bird actually looks like. In Hell! Demon:   Popeyes Chicken is the shiznit! Pete:   My underwear is so far up my ass, I could taste it! Satan:   Now, that was an experience. 'You are only coming through in waves.' That line blows my mind every time. I don't care what mood you're in the start of that song. When it's finished, that mood had been altered.
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Satan:   But, after much thought and careful consideration, I've decided that the ruler for the next 10,000 years is going to have to be…me. Cassius and Adrian:   What?! Nicky:   Hallelujah!! [they stare at Nicky] I mean…that sucks!
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Scottie:   Hello? Peeper:   Hello, Scottie. Say, why don't you be a good little boy and go downstairs and let your mother get comfy, all right? Scottie:   Who is this? Peeper:   This is a big bird who wants to see the rest of Mommy. Nah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Mrs. Dunleavy:   [gasps] Oh my God, Scottie, is that a man up our tree? Peeper:   No, no! Tell her it's just a bird! It's just a big bird! [flaps arms] Bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk! Bawwwwwk! Bawwwwwwwwwk! [With an evil grin, Scottie fires a slingshot at him, striking said Peeper in the head] Peeper:   Mrs. Dunleavy. Help me! Please... wear a bikini! Mrs. Dunleavy:   Pervert. [to Scottie] Come on. Peeper:   Oh, how are you doing? [Mrs. Dunleavy and Scottie hold a television out the window and throw it to the Peeper] NOOOOOOOOO! [The TV lands, killing him]
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Stanley:   Aren't you that horny guy pretending to be a big bird, checking out that beautiful mom? Peeper:   Yes I am. Stanley:   Now, you're going to see what a big, horny bird actually looks like. [Eyes narrow, cruel smile] In Hell! Peeper:   [repeatedly as he is chased by a giant bird-man trying to violate him]  I deserve this! Peeper:   [sarcastically]  Hello…Mr. Devil…I like your cape.  [Satan smiles, waves, then summons said giant bird-man who goes to rape said peeper]  I deserve this!
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Satan:   I'm sorry. After careful consideration, I must respectfully decline. Dan Marino:   I can't stand retirement. Come on, just let me win one Super Bowl. Satan:   In exchange for eternal damnation of your soul? You're too nice of a guy for me to want to do that to you, Mr. Marino. Dan Marino:   You did it for Namath. Satan:   Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways. Dan Marino:   This sucks! I'll just go to the Super Bowl as an announcer, and I'll win myself an Emmy! Satan:   That's the spirit! Nicky:   You're a good devil, Dad! Satan:   And I also happen to be a Jets fan! Nicky:   Heh-heh.
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Grandpa Lucifer:   What's with all those "hoo-hoo" noises? Satan:   Everything's fine, Pop! Grandpa Lucifer:   "Everything's fine"? Who're you bullshitting? The last time you said everything was fine, the Renaissance happened! Satan:   Please, Pop! Go back to your room. Grandpa Lucifer:   Hey, can I take him with me?  [points to Stanley] Heh, I want to have sex with his head. Satan:   Sure, Pop, whatever you want. Tit-head, go with my father. Stanley:   This is gonna be a whole different lifestyle for me, isn't it? Grandpa Lucifer:   Oh, yeah? Maybe I'll just nibble here and there. Who knows, huh? Stanley:   Do what you got to do, Your Horniness. Grandpa Lucifer:   Okay. You know, Stanley- Satan:   Use a condom, Pop.
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Jimmy:   You were gone ten seconds. What happened? Nicky:   I got hit by this big light that was attached to a lot of metal! Satan:   That's a train, son.  Don't stand in front of them. Nicky:   Well, I'll have to take a mulligan on this one! Satan:   Please, Nicky, get back up there.  [his ear falls off] Nicky:   All right. Satan:   Whoa! Jimmy:   I'll get that for you, sir.
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Beefy:   Welcome to Grand Central Station in New York City. My name is Beefy. I'm an old friend of your father's. He asked me to help you out! Nicky:   I just want to find my brothers and be on my way. Beefy:   It's not going to be easy. Your brothers can possess people, so they probably won't look like themselves. You have to be suspicious of everyone. Nicky:   All right, "bro". Well, the jig is up, then! [pulls out flask] Get in the flask. Come on, slide right in. Beefy:   It ain't me, moron. Nicky:   Sorry, I… Beefy:   Now, there's this blind guy outside you might think is possessed, but he's just crazy. Nicky:   Okay.
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Beefy:   Put it in your mouth. [Nicky puts it in his mouth] Now, move your teeth up and down. [Nicky chews it with his mouth open] Up and down. Good, numbnuts. Now you've got to swallow it. Tilt your head back, and let the meat slide down your throat hole. [Nicky gags] Easy, don't choke! Nicky:   [swallows] Popeyes Chicken is fucking awesome! Beefy:   Mm-hmm! Now, eat up, you're gonna need your energy. Nicky:   I got energy up the yin-yang! Let's go save Dad! [runs out into street with flask] Adrian! Cassius! [gets hit by bus] Beefy:   Oh, boy.
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Nicky:   Man, that was intense! And it happens every day? Beefy:   Look, it's okay for me to shit in the street, but you got to use a toilet. Nicky:   Yeah? Well, just point me in the right direction next time. Beefy:   Come on. There's like ten million people in this city and the clock is ticking. Nicky:   Well, let's rock and roll, then!
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Popeyes employee:   May I help you? Nicky:   Get in the flask! Popeyes employee:   What are you talking about, man? Nicky:   I'm talking about an eight piece. Let's go.
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Todd:   Aren't you boiling hot in that outfit? Nicky:   No. Todd:   It's like eighty degrees in this hallway. Where you from, the South? Nicky:   Yes. The deep South. Ha ha ha ha! Todd:   Why is that funny? Nicky:   I don't know.
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Nicky:   Adrian, is that you? Get in the flask! Beating Cop:   Beat it. Nicky:   Uh-huh. [Nicky leaves then returns] Cassius, come on. What's going on? Beating Cop:   I said, beat it! Nicky:   Alright. [Nicky leaves then returns again] That's it. Just so you... [Nicky gets repeatedly beaten by the cop] What the hell's your problem? [Nicky gets beaten up even more] Beefy:   This may take a while.
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Todd:   Oh, gross! He just opened his mouth and swallowed that spit! Beefy:   Oh, that turn you on there, RuPaul? Heh heh heh!
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Bishop/Adrian:   Yep, the Lord sure did say a lot of hibbity jibbity bibbity swibbity…but, has he ever really done anything for any of us? Has he ever put a Jaguar XJR in my driveway? No. Man #1:   I love that car. Bishop/Adrian:   Has the Lord given any of my enemies the herpes? Man #2:   [laughing] The herpes? Bishop/Adrian:   No! Woman:   The Lord gave my son the strength to get off drugs! [congregation cheers] Bishop/Adrian:   Ma'am, I know your son. And believe me, he was better off on the drugs. At least when he was smoking hashish, he used to make me laugh occasionally. [congregation laughs] Man #3:   After we tried for many years, the Lord finally helped my wife conceive a baby. [congregation cheers] Bishop/Adrian:   No, no, no. Your best friend, Fitzy, helped your wife conceive a baby. He helped her conceive it all night long! Fitzy:   Hey, hey, hey! [congregation boos] Bishop/Adrian:   How about you, Mayor? Has the Lord e
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Nicky:   Your glasses are pretty; they make your eyes look big and sparkly. It's fun looking at them. Valerie:   Oh. My dad's an optometrist. Nicky:   My dad's in Hell and he's falling apart.
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Townie:   You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls! Nicky:   Good idea!
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Todd:   I know this is your living room time, but could I maybe finish watching the Globetrotters out here? It's the craziest game I've ever seen! Ref/Cassius:   He's walking! Get him a bus! Todd:   This is the part I don't get. Announcer:   Another terrible call. There's no way that was traveling! Basketball Player:   What's up with all the calls? We haven't lost a game in fifty-three years! Ref/Cassius:   Guess what, Cornrows? Technical foul! You're out of here! Ha ha ha ha ha! Little Boy:   Why is the referee being so mean to the Globetrotters, Daddy? Boy's Father:   Hey, I've been watching these guys play since I was your age. Boy's Mother:   It's all part of the show, baby!
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Nicky:   [to basketball] I command you not to blow up and go into that metal circle. [throws basketball underhand; at the last second, the ref/Cassius jumps up, catches ball] Ref/Cassius:   Nyah! Nicky:   Hey! Ref/Cassius:   Get that crap out of here! Nicky:   I know you're having fun, Cassius, but you've really got to come back to Hell! Cassius:   Look around you, Nicky! We're in Hell. The new Hell! Ha ha ha! Old Lady:   [swinging a shirt over her head] Do it! Do it! Do it! Whee-eeee-eeeeeeeeee! Cassius:   Ha ha ha! Nicky:   I was sent here to take you back, and that's what I'm going to do! Cassius:   Don't make me take out the shovel again, Trick! Pete:   I think we're about to see a devil showdown! Nicky:   You know, Dad got sick when you guys left! Nicky:   [while spinning the basketball on his finger] You're going to wish you never said that. [Cassius and Nicky start playing basketball] Beefy:   Take him to the
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Beefy:   Say "Mr. Beefy!" Say it! Say it! Female dog:   "Mr. Beefy." Beefy:   Aaaaand…I love you!
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Chief of Police:   This videotape will show what he did after he left the game. Nicky:   [on the news videotape which is actually Scarface<s></s>] Say hello to my little friend! My name is Nicky, and I'm gonna kill all you people for no reason! Nicky:   That's not me; that's the cockroach Tony Montana! Chief of Police:   It's difficult to watch, I know. Nicky:   This is Adrian's work! Beefy:   He superimposed your head onto Scarface! Todd:   Which is probably De Palma's third best film.
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Nicky:   Good luck with the nipple rubbing. Nipple Guy:   I don't need luck.  I'm good! Nicky:   I-I can see that. Nipple Guy:   Ooh!
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Regis Philbin:   So, I was driving to work today. Some bozo in a Cadillac cuts me off. So I followed him. When he got out of his car, I run up behind this guy and I start bashing his brains in with this bat. Did you ever see The Untouchables? I was De Niro! Audience member:   What's happened to you, Regis?!
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Beefy:   Your brothers are upsetting the balance between good and evil! Nicky:   Well, what can I do about it? Beefy:   You can't do jack shit unless you learn your evil powers. Go get a soda out of the fridge. Nicky:   But those are my roommate's sodas! Beefy:   [mockingly] "But those are my roommate's sodas!" Does that sound like a statement the son of the devil would make!? Nicky:   All right, take it easy! Beefy:   Nicky, you have the power to change the cola in that can into any other liquid: engine oil, bat's blood, moose piss. You just have to release the evil within! Nicky:   Release the evil? Beefy:   I'm just saying, there's wickedness in you. I can tell from your snores! Nicky:   Really? Beefy:   Release your evil! Nicky:   Release the evil. Beefy:   Come on, you can do it. [Nicky lifts Coke can with his mind] There it is. You got it in you. Todd:   What are you doing?! Nicky:   Hey! Beefy:   Oh!
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Street vendor:   [appears while Nicky is sleeping in Central Park] My man's into deep nocturnal shit. [steals Nicky's flask] Whoo! Mm-hmm, yeah! John:   Yo, man, I think that guy just stole his stuff! Pete:  Should we wake him up? John:   Yeah. You do it. Pete:   Rise and shine, Devil Guy! Some dude just stole your shit! Nicky:   What?! Where?! [exhales fire; John and Pete stare in amazement] Which way did he go? John:   Uh, that way! Nicky:   Thanks! Give me back my flask! Pete:   Did you check out the dragon mouth?! John:   The Dark Prince is here! [they head-butt one another] Street vendor:   Check out my stuff, I got a low price! Uh, I got a pepper shaker! I got a silver doodad from Africa! Nicky:   [approaches the stand] Hey. Street vendor:   See something you like, my man? Nicky:   Yes, I would like my flask back! Street vendor:   You're calling me a thief, my man? Nicky:   I'm calling you the guy who
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John:   Hey, by the way, Nicky, check this out! [spins Ozzy record backwards, but just makes noise] What's Ozzy trying to say there? Nicky:   John, absolutely nothing. The Blizzard always came straight with his messages. But wrap your minds around this, gentlemen. Beefy:   Oh no! Heh heh heh! Nicky:   Chicago. [plays "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?"] Todd:   I love this song. Chicago album spun backwards:   I command you in the name of Lucifer, to spread the blood of the innocent! Pete:   Oh, my God! Chicago kicks ass! John:   That was awesome! Todd:   You know, guys, this cake…tastes a little funny. Pete:   Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the mix. Thought I'd spice up the bash! Beefy:   Really?! Nicky:   What's reefer? Beefy:   About 500 bucks an ounce! Heh heh heh heh!
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Blind deacon:   The hell beast is above us!!  And I can smell an evil slut! [Nicky shoots him with water from fire hydrant] Whoa, devil!! Valerie:   [to Nicky]  Did you do that? Nicky:   Nobody calls my girl an evil slut.
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Todd:   [after being ratted out by Pete and John] Judas! Pete:   Yeah, Judas Priest, maybe.
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Blind deacon:   Why're you taunting me with your darkness?! Your evil, it's stinking up our streets! The end is near!! We are all going to die!! [runs into a lamppost] Valerie:   This town is really going to Hell lately!
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Beefy:   I used to get messed up like this with my first girlfriend, Heather. We'd get so loopy, she would forget I was a dog! John:   She was a human? Beefy:   No, she was a sewer rat! [everyone laughs hysterically] Man, that pissed my parents off! Todd:   You know, I was in love once, but she said I wasn't financially reliable and she needed that. John:   Now, by "she", do you mean "he"? Todd:   No. Beefy:   Busted!
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Pete:   Hey, how're you feeling over there, Satan Abdul-Jabbar? Nicky:   A little strange. I can't stop thinking about this girl, Valerie. Todd:   Why? Did she hurt you? Do you need to cry on my shoulder? John:   Easy, Liberace. Todd:   Oh, would you grow up?! Pete:   Ha ha ha! Liberace. Nicky:   I was having the best day with her, until Adrian made me tell her she had a heart-shaped heinie. Beefy:   Maybe you love her, but what do I know, I can't even see straight!
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Todd:   Hey, you guys can crash here.  I have an extra futon in the bedroom. John:   Eh, that's a big pass, Elton John.
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Satan:   That's right!  You heard me, Holly! Holly:   What? Satan:   I'm still in love with you!
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Satan:   Okay, kids, meet your new home! Adrian and Cassius:   No, no, no, no, no…! Hitler:   [flask is shoved up Hitler's ass]  Holy schit!  Oh ho ho!