Little Nicky

Peeper:   I think Victoria just told me her Secret. Priest/Adrian:   In today's gospel, the Lord tells us how we should live if we wish to attain the splendor of Heaven…or something like that. Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat! [hums a silly tune] Basketball audience member:   Now that was some straight-up David Copperfield shit! Stanley:   You can't go through there! The fire flows in, not out! [Cassius and Adrian go through fire gate] You really suck! Stanley:   Now, you're going to see what a big, horny bird actually looks like. In Hell! Demon:   Popeyes Chicken is the shiznit! Pete:   My underwear is so far up my ass, I could taste it! Satan:   Now, that was an experience. 'You are only coming through in waves.' That line blows my mind every time. I don't care what mood you're in the start of that song. When it's finished, that mood had been altered.

Little Nicky, CC BY-SA 4.0

Satan:   But, after much thought and careful consideration, I've decided that the ruler for the next 10,000 years is going to have to be…me. Cassius and Adrian:   What?! Nicky:   Hallelujah!! [they stare at Nicky] I mean…that sucks!

Little Nicky, CC BY-SA 4.0

Scottie:   Hello? Peeper:   Hello, Scottie. Say, why don't you be a good little boy and go downstairs and let your mother get comfy, all right? Scottie:   Who is this? Peeper:   This is a big bird who wants to see the rest of Mommy. Nah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Mrs. Dunleavy:   [gasps] Oh my God, Scottie, is that a man up our tree? Peeper:   No, no! Tell her it's just a bird! It's just a big bird! [flaps arms] Bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk! Bawwwwwk! Bawwwwwwwwwk! [With an evil grin, Scottie fires a slingshot at him, striking said Peeper in the head] Peeper:   Mrs. Dunleavy. Help me! Please... wear a bikini! Mrs. Dunleavy:   Pervert. [to Scottie] Come on. Peeper:   Oh, how are you doing? [Mrs. Dunleavy and Scottie hold a television out the window and throw it to the Peeper] NOOOOOOOOO! [The TV lands, killing him]

Little Nicky, CC BY-SA 4.0

Stanley:   Aren't you that horny guy pretending to be a big bird, checking out that beautiful mom? Peeper:   Yes I am. Stanley:   Now, you're going to see what a big, horny bird actually looks like. [Eyes narrow, cruel smile] In Hell! Peeper:   [repeatedly as he is chased by a giant bird-man trying to violate him]  I deserve this! Peeper:   [sarcastically]  Hello…Mr. Devil…I like your cape.  [Satan smiles, waves, then summons said giant bird-man who goes to rape said peeper]  I deserve this!

Little Nicky, CC BY-SA 4.0

Satan:   I'm sorry. After careful consideration, I must respectfully decline. Dan Marino:   I can't stand retirement. Come on, just let me win one Super Bowl. Satan:   In exchange for eternal damnation of your soul? You're too nice of a guy for me to want to do that to you, Mr. Marino. Dan Marino:   You did it for Namath. Satan:   Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways. Dan Marino:   This sucks! I'll just go to the Super Bowl as an announcer, and I'll win myself an Emmy! Satan:   That's the spirit! Nicky:   You're a good devil, Dad! Satan:   And I also happen to be a Jets fan! Nicky:   Heh-heh.

Little Nicky, CC BY-SA 4.0

Grandpa Lucifer:   What's with all those "hoo-hoo" noises? Satan:   Everything's fine, Pop! Grandpa Lucifer:   "Everything's fine"? Who're you bullshitting? The last time you said everything was fine, the Renaissance happened! Satan:   Please, Pop! Go back to your room. Grandpa Lucifer:   Hey, can I take him with me?  [points to Stanley] Heh, I want to have sex with his head. Satan:   Sure, Pop, whatever you want. Tit-head, go with my father. Stanley:   This is gonna be a whole different lifestyle for me, isn't it? Grandpa Lucifer:   Oh, yeah? Maybe I'll just nibble here and there. Who knows, huh? Stanley:   Do what you got to do, Your Horniness. Grandpa Lucifer:   Okay. You know, Stanley- Satan:   Use a condom, Pop.

Little Nicky, CC BY-SA 4.0