Quotes

The Foretelling

[first lines] History has known many great liars: Copernicus. Goebbels. St Ralph the Liar [he is shown holding a sign which reads "St Benedict the Liar"]. But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor King, Henry VII. It was he who rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard III, as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards; in particular: Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy. Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field, and killed Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field, and reigned for thirteen glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told: The History of The Black Adder!

The Foretelling

Richard, Duke of York: [bangs his goblet on the table three times] Silence! Silence! For the king! King Richard III: [stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly] Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns. And I that am not shaped for black-faced war... [the assembled nobles cheer] ...I that am rudely cast and want true majesty... [the assembled nobles boo the implied insult given by the king's enemies as he fixes his hunched standing position by yanking on his cloak, which had been stuck] ...am forced to fight to set sweet England free. I pray to Heaven we fare well, and all who fight us go to hell! Edmund: [stands up as he raise his goblet] Hooray! Hooray! Absolutely! Hooray! King Richard III: Who is that? Richard, Duke of York: I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry, who is that? Harry: He's your other son, my lord. Richard, Duke of York: It is my other son, my lord. King Richard III: Fights he with us on the morrow? Richard, Duke of York: [to Har

The Foretelling

King Richard III: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree. Richard, Duke of York: Let "Blood! Blood! BLOOD!!!" be your motto! Slit their gizzards!!! Harry: Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of... violence. But, at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we? King Richard III: And gentlemen in London still abed shall think themselves accursed that they were not here and hold their manhood cheap, while others speak of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar's Day! [raised his sword high]

The Foretelling

Gertrude: [from outside] Edmund? [opens his door] Oh, Edmund... Edmund: [half asleep] Hmm? Oh, Mother, what do you want? Gertrude: Did you want to go to the battle this morning? Edmund: [sits up with a start; removes a cover from a sundial, and look at it] Oh my god, it's eleven o’clock!

The Foretelling

Baldrick: My Lord... Edmund: What is it? Baldrick: Where is this battle, then? Edmund: Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field... [they ride off to the right of the shot. Suddenly, we see Baldrick going the other way, followed by Edmund] Damn, damn, damn! The first decent battle since I reached puberty... Baldrick: Here we are, My Lord... Edmund: Onward, Baldrick! To glory! Edmund: [feeling uncomfortable] Y-yes, um, I'm not so sure we're needed here, Baldrick. I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it? Everyone's fighting. Clearly having the time of their lives. Why, some people over there aren't fighting. They're just lying down. Baldrick: They're dead, my lord. Edmund: [feeling sick] Ah, yes. [wriggling on his saddle] Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something. Will you excuse me for a minute, Baldrick? [rides his horse up to the tree]

The Foretelling

Richard, Duke of York: Your Majesty, you've lost your steed. Take mine! King Richard III: No, no, no. [proudly] I've won the battle! I've saved the kingdom! I think I can find myself a horse. Richard, Duke of York: How true, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle! King Richard III: So be it! [as Richard, Duke of York leaves on his horse, he walks along] A horse! [whistling a call] A horse! My kingdom for a horse! [he stops by a tree, and sees Edmund's horse] Ah, horsie! Edmund: [to himself] Who is this? [drawing his sword] Wait, that's my horse! [swings his sword, and chops off the King's head. He laughs] There, that'll teach you! [picks up the helmeted head] You won't be doing that again, now will you? [lifts the helmet’s face shield] Oh, my god. It's Uncle Richard. [screams in horror] Baldrick: [runs up to Edmund, after parking his mule by the tree] What's that, my lord? [a frightened Edmund tosses the head to him, he catches it with a chuckle. As he lifts the face shield, hi

The Foretelling

Edmund: [still entering] Come on! Come on! Will you wait! Will you wait! [Baldrick collapses exhausted on the corpse while he closes the door] Ah, well done... [sit on a barrel, then notices that something's missing] Where's the head? Baldrick: I thought you had it. Edmund: Baldrick, I can't be expected to carry everything! Edmund: [annoyed] Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute! Where have you been?! Percy: I've just proved that I'm a man! Look what I've found! [holds up the head] Edmund: [relieved] Oh, thank God! Quick, Percy, quick, put it down and let's get out of here! Percy: No no no no! I found it! It's mine! Edmund: What do you mean it's yours? [tries to take it from Percy] Percy: [defensively] I'm going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman! Edmund: [stops trying to take the head] And which nobleman, pray...? Percy: Er... [looks under the face shield, and laughs nervously] Well, it's the King, actually! Henry Tudor: Lost! Lost! All is lost! [collapses to the floor] Ed

The Foretelling

Edmund: [frantic] Mother! Gertrude: [concerned] Edmund, dear. How did it go? Edmund: Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates! Gertrude: [skeptical] Oh, but, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything. Edmund: Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here, they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle! Gertrude: Ah, well, I shan't bother to change, then. Baldrick: [runs into the doorway across the hall] My Lord! Edmund: What do you want?! Baldrick: Listen! Edmund: [panicking] Oh my god! They're here already! [begins to run down the hall, shouting] Run for your lives! Run for the hills! Baldrick: Er, My Lord, they're coming from the hills. Edmund: [still shouting] Oh, sorry. Run away from the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, run the other way! Percy: No, My Lord, it's all right. They're flying the banners of our King Richard. Edmund: [sarcastically] Well, that's impossible! He's dead, isn't he?! Gertrude: [shocked] King Rich

The Foretelling

Prince Edmund, Baldrick & Percy: Hurray! Prince Edmund: We're safe! And I am a prince of the realm. Hup-hup! Baldrick: Huzzah! Percy: Huzzah! Prince Edmund: Can you imagine the power? Percy: It's ours! All ours! Prince Edmund: What? Baldrick: Yours! All yours! Prince Harry: [enters] Ah, Edmund, there you are. Now, I know it's a bit early, but I'd just like to get these battle averages sorted out. [takes the name list out] Who did you kill today? Prince Edmund: Um...no one. Prince Harry: [confused] No one? Oh dear. Alright, I'll put you down for a duck, which I'm afraid takes you out of the running for the Order of the Garter. Prince Edmund: [jokingly] Oh, I see! Sorry. Sorry, I thought you meant 'Had I killed King Richard?' Prince Harry: [turns] What? Prince Edmund: [frantically] What...was the question? Prince Harry: Who did you kill today? Prince Edmund: Oh, I see. Um... [Percy whispers 'peasants'] Pedant. Prince Harry: What? Prince Edmund: Pleasant...pedant...pes...peasants! Peasant

The Foretelling

Baldrick: Very witty, My Lord. Prince Edmund: Thank you, Baldrick. Percy: Very, very, very witty, My Lord. Prince Edmund: Thank you, Percy. Baldrick: You're certainly wittier than your father. Percy: And head and shoulders over Richard III! Prince Edmund: [annoyed] Is that supposed to be witty?! Percy: Er...No, my lord. Th-that was an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to. Prince Edmund: [pauses] Go away! Baldrick and Percy: Yes, my lord. [leave]

The Foretelling

Prince Edmund: Ah, you're still here, are you? Henry Tudor: Er, yes. Prince Edmund: Wait a moment, haven't I seen you somewhere before? Henry Tudor: [trying to remember] I don't know. I feel I've seen you before, also. Prince Edmund: Well, I am Prince Edmund, son of Richard IV! Why? Who are you? Henry Tudor: [shocked to discover where he is] Well, erm, I'm, er, not important. Prince Edmund: Not important? You mean you’re not rich? Henry Tudor: No. Yes! Yes, I'm incredibly rich! I'm...I'm a very wealthy, erm, modest person, who wishes to remain nameless. Prince Edmund: Well, you'd better be rich. Get your money together, get better, and get out of my bed, is that clear? [closes the curtain, looks around, uncovers a home-made crown, puts it on and looks at himself in the mirror] Ghost of Richard III: [off-screen] Oh yes, very fetching. Ghost of Richard III: ...And hello to "you". Prince Edmund: Uh, uh, er, hello...hello...er...goodness me...I hadn't...expected...to see you...like this. G

The Foretelling

Prince Edmund: So sorry I'm late... King Richard IV: HOLD!!! [Edmund freezes in fear] YOU DARE SIT THERE, BOY?! That was King Richard's seat! Would you insult his ghost?! Prince Edmund: Eugh, erm, no, no-sorry. Ghost of Richard III: Yes, find your own chair, you smelly little dog's pizzle! Prince Edmund: Eugh! [goes back to the his original spot at the end of the table] King Richard IV: [speaking across where Ghost is, to Harry] How many prisoners have you got, Harry? Ghost of Richard III: I'm not Harry. I'm Richard. "He's" Harry. Prince Harry: [to his father] I've still got a couple of prisoners down in the dungeons, Father. King Richard IV: [to Harry] Send a brace to my room, will you? Prince Harry: [to his father] Very well. Do you want them hung? Ghost of Richard III: [waving] Hello? King Richard IV: [to Harry] No, fresh ones; I want to practice my backhand. Ghost of Richard III: [still waving] Hello? Is anybody there? Prince Harry: [to his father] Oh, I don't think you need to, th

The Foretelling

Ghost of Richard III: Good evening. Prince Edmund: [to himself] Where's Henry Tudor?! [rushes to the bed] Ghost of Richard III: [suddenly in the bed] Baaaa! Prince Edmund: Oh no! Where is he?! Where is he?! [checking the closet] Ghost of Richard III: [suddenly inside the closet, wiggles his fingers] WOO!!! Prince Edmund: [looks out the window to see a horseman riding out of the castle. It is Henry Tudor, running away. He runs to the door, opened by Richard's ghost. He bows to Richard as he exits] Thank you, thank you so much.

The Foretelling

Witches: Oooh...Oooh...Oooh...Oooh... Witches: [startled] Oooh! Goncril: Hail! Cordelia: Hail! Regan: Hail! Goncril: Ruler of men... Cordelia: Ravisher of women... Regan: Slayer of kings! Prince Edmund: [annoyed] Be gone, hideous crones! Goncril: Be not afraid... Cordelia: Be not overcome with fear... Regan: Be not paralyzed with terror... Prince Edmund: [bored] Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs? Regan: We bear good news. Prince Edmund: What news could such repulsive harbingers convey? Cordelia: Today has brought misfortune... Goncril: But one day... Witches: Oh, glorious day! Cordelia: One day... Witches: Oh, happy day! Prince Edmund: [pause] Yes? Witches: [points to Edmund] You shall be king! Prince Edmund: Really? Witches: Yes! Your Majesty! [bow] Prince Edmund: [smiles] Well, that is good news, isn't it? [mounting his horse] God be with you, you snaggle-toothed vultures! [to himself] History, here I come! [rides off as the end credits starts]

The Foretelling

Cordelia: [confused] He wasn't as I expected. Goncril: I thought he was very rude. Cordelia: I thought Henry Tudor would be better looking. Goncril: Yes, not so Jewish. Regan: More like that man who rode by before. Witches: [realizing their mistake] Oh! Regan: We've done it again! Cordelia: You silly witches!

Born to Be King

Narrator: In 1486, the second year of Richard IV’s historic reign and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a Crusade against the Turks. King Richard IV: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!" [laughs] Narrator: He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as Regent in his stead. King Richard IV: Farewell, dear Harry. Prince Harry: Farewell, Father. Narrator: ...And his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him. King Richard IV: [to Edmund] Edward... [he rode off with his men] Baldrick: My lord, with the king gone... Prince Edmund: Hmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power! [laughs in his ridiculous-sounding evil way]

Born to Be King

Prince Edmund: Onward! Onward! I want you scums back to the castle by sundown, or you'll all be slaughtered! Onward! [the sounds of 'Baaa' are heard as Edmund speaks to his flock of sheep, in heavy snowfall] Come on! Come on! Keep going! I've just about had enough of you! Sheep: Baaaaa! Prince Edmund: Shut up! Sheep: Baaaa! [they began to run] Prince Edmund: Come on! No, that's not the way you're going. Stop! Where are you going? No, not away from the castle! Sheep: Baaa! Prince Edmund: Shut up!

Born to Be King

Prince Harry: [standing by the fire, reading a note] Splendid! Splendid! Prince Edmund: [to sheep] Now look, you're not supposed to be here. That's far enough, now get out! [shuts door, and begins to walk down the hallway, shivering] If I could get my hands on that bastard brother, Harry... Prince Harry: Ah, Edmund! [Edmund stops dead in his tracks in surprise, then continues walking, as though not hearing, behind a bit of a wall] Edmund? [Edmund reappears, in the next doorway] Ah, there you are. Splendid news, Edmund. Father's coming home! He writes here that he'll be back by St. Leonard's Day. Excellent! So we can celebrate both events together! Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course, er, the guards of honor, and the papal legate; and you can, er, you can sort out the frolics. Prince Edmund: [to his dismay] The frolics? Prince Harry: Yes, the Morris Dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women, you know: the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments. Oh damnation,

Born to Be King

Countess Celia: You must be so looking forward to the king's return, Your Majesty. Queen Gertrude: No. Countess Celia: "No", milady? But think, he will come to your chamber and make mad, passionate love to you! Queen Gertrude: Yes, I wish he wouldn't do that. Very difficult to sleep with that kind of thing going on. Being used all night long like the outside of a sausage roll. Countess Celia: Still, there's the Saint Leonard's Day celebrations to look forward to. The jesters, the jugglers... Queen Gertrude: The great brown ox, steaming and smoldering all night long. Countess Celia: Oh yes, the feast! Queen Gertrude: Sorry? No, I was thinking of something else. Countess Celia: I do hope they've got the Morris dancers. I love them! Queen Gertrude: Yes. I like the eunuchs. Countess Celia: Oh yes, the eunuchs! I wish I owned one. Queen Gertrude: I wish I'd married one.

Born to Be King

Prince Edmund: [speaking to a woman who looks very apologetic] No, no; fine, fine; it could've happened to anyone. Never mind, never mind. [shuts the door] Oh, God, I don't believe it. We've only got one act, and she shaved her beard off. Percy: There's always the eunuchs, My Lord. Prince Edmund: Oh yes, so? The eunuchs and the Amazing Beardless Woman. What a line-up. Percy, there must be someone else, there must be! Look... [they look through some papers on the desk] Percy: Ah, there's The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem, My Lord. Prince Edmund: What do they do? Percy: ...They jump, My Lord. Prince Edmund: What? Percy: They come in, My Lord, and they jump...a lot. It's a humorous act. Prince Edmund: Nah dah dah! There must be something else, surely! Ah, what's this? "The Death of the Pharaoh": "Sir Dominick Prick and His Magnificent Strolling Wooferoonies perform the tragic ancient Egyptian masterpiece 'The Death of the Pharaoh'." Well, that sounds funny. Percy: No, no, no. I find that very

Born to Be King

Prince Harry: [stands] Now then, Mother: a toast to Father's return. Prince Harry: What the devil?! [then he realizes who it is] It's McAngus! Queen Gertrude: [excited] Oh, but of course! Dougal McAngus: Noble Harry, Prince of Wales, Dougal McAngus greets you, and lays at your feet the spoils of an enemy at war. [dumps the contents of a bag on the table; a severed human head] Oh, sorry, that's my overnight bag. [dumps another bag on the table; gold Turkish goblets etc] Behold! Treasures torn from the torsos of the Turks! Prince Harry: Oh, McAngus! It fills me with joy and hope to see you! [they shake hands firmly] What news of my father, the King? Dougal McAngus: When I last saw him, he swore he would be back for the Feast of St. Leonard, or die in the attempt. Prince Harry: God forfend! We shall pray for his safe return. Join us! Join us! You must be starving. Dougal McAngus: [motions behind him] And young Lochinvar? Prince Harry: [looking toward the doorway] Oh yes, and him too. Doug

Born to Be King

Prince Edmund: I'm gonna kill him, and I'm gonna kill him now! Percy: Who, My Lord? Prince Edmund: That stinking Scottish weasel! Baldrick: Why, My Lord? Prince Edmund: Because he's a thieving stinking Scottish weasel, that's why! [goes to get a knife] Percy: How? Prince Edmund: I'm gonna stab him! Baldrick: Where? Prince Edmund: In the Great Hall and in the bladder! [begins to sharpen a knife] Percy: But if you do it in front of everybody, won't they suspect something? Prince Edmund: Ah, yes, a drawback. Yes...Perhaps we need something a little more cunning. Baldrick: I have a cunning plan. Prince Edmund: Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one. Baldrick: Well, mine's pretty cunning, My Lord. Prince Edmund: Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine. Baldrick: Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord. Prince Edmund: Well, pretty damn cunning. How cunning do you think I mean? Baldrick: Well, mine's quite cunning, My Lord. Prince Edmund: [fed up] Alright, then, let's

Born to Be King

Prince Edmund: Aaahhhhh! Prince Edmund: Um, no, no. I'm fine, thank you. Dougal McAngus: Good. Prince Edmund: I'm not in your way over here, am I? Dougal McAngus: No. Prince Edmund: Oh, there is just, er, one thing. Um...I was wondering if you could do me a little favor. Dougal McAngus: [finally stands up and turns to Edmund] Uh-huh? Prince Edmund: Erm, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the celebrations tonight. Dougal McAngus: How? By stayin' away, do you mean? Prince Edmund: Erm, well, the thing is: um, we were hoping to present a mystery play by one of our leading Thespianic troupes, erm, but, unfortunately, one of their number is ill, erm, and I thought you'd be the perfect person to [standing up] ...to take his place. Dougal McAngus: Well, I warn you; [swipes down at the ground, killing a badger] I'm no actor. Prince Edmund: Well, there shouldn't be much acting required. [McAngus tosses the badger's corpse aside] Erm, it's an ancient Egyptian piece, er, called "The Death

Born to Be King

Sir Dominick Prick: Tall trees! Let's see those branches waving and swaying in the breeze. Taller, taller, taller. Now smaller! [they all crouch down] Small trees, very small... Prince Edmund: Ah, Sir Dominick! Have you made the necessary changes? Sir Dominick Prick: Yes, My Lord. Prince Edmund: Ah! McAngus! Meet your murderers. Wooferoonie 1: How did it go? Jumping Jew: Er, not bad. [removes his false beard to reveal his real beard underneath] But, er, you know, I don't really think they understood it. Sir Dominick Prick: We three are gathered with most bold intent... Wooferoonie 1: Here by the banks of the graceful Nile... Sir Dominick Prick: Where camels ride and deserts blow... Wooferoonie 2: To spill the blood of this Scotsman vile... Queen Gertrude: [to Harry] What is a Scotsman doing in Egypt? Prince Harry: I'm not sure, but apparently they've had very good reviews. Dougal McAngus: [to Edmund] You see your mother there? [Edmund nods] I met my father on my way back from France. A

Born to Be King

Prince Edmund: Good, excellent! It's certainly my mother's handwriting. When did you say these were written? Dougal McAngus: Er, 1460. Prince Edmund: The year my brother was born... [laughs] Baldrick, get in here! [Baldrick enters] Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled. Baldrick: Why? Prince Edmund: "Why"? Because I told you to, you silly little rat! Baldrick: No, why have they been cancelled, My Lord? Prince Edmund: Oh, I see. Well, tell them I have a very important announcement to make. [laughs] Baldrick: Does that mean I have to take the dress off? Prince Edmund: Oh, get out, get out, get out! Out, out, out, out! Dougal McAngus: You know, if you played your cards right, you could become King. Prince Edmund: Ah yes, one day. Dougal McAngus: Ah, sooner than you think, maybe. The last time I saw your father, he'd just charged into Constantinople when they shut the gates on him. Prince Edmund: [excited] Oh? Dougal McAngus: Aye.

Born to Be King

Prince Harry: Jerry Meriwether...another nail in the coffin of variety. Queen Gertrude: I liked Bernard the Rabbit Baiter. Prince Edmund: [arriving on stage with Percy and McAngus] Thank you, thank you. Prince Harry: Look, Edmund, is this announcement going to take long? I haven't seen hide nor hair of a eunuch yet. Prince Edmund: Oh, don't worry, Harry. It will soon all be over. My dear mother, my dear brother, lords and ladies of the court: Today, there came into my possession, from the hands, My Lord, of your faithful servant, Dougal McAngus, certain letters, rather extraordinary letters, concerning the lineage of Prince Harry. Queen Gertrude: [confused] Letters? What is so extraordinary about them? Prince Harry: [confused as well] Letters? Prince Harry: [shocked as well] I beg your pardon?! Prince Edmund: These letters are of quite an intimate nature. Let me give you an example. [takes one from Percy, who mouths the words as he reads] "Arundel; Thursday. My dear Hairy-wairy: Often

Born to Be King

King Richard IV: (muttering) I'm fed up. Prince Harry: We're all terribly pleased you're back, Father. King Richard IV: I'm not. I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils, and the queen's 'got a headache'. Prince Harry: Oh dear. But we do have a fascinating week ahead. In fact, the Archbishop of York has asked me if you'd care to join his formation Italian dance class, and I really ought to give him an answer. King Richard IV: Do you want me to be honest or tactful? Prince Harry: Er, tactful, I think. King Richard IV: Tell him to get stuffed! Prince Harry: Right. King Richard IV: Has the little hooligan McAngus left? Prince Harry: No, Edmund's giving him a last look round the castle now. Prince Edmund: ...While this... [shows McAngus a cannon] King Richard IV: [to Harry] Well, I'll be sorry to see him go. Dougal McAngus: [with his head down the mouth of the cannon] Och, very interestin'. [Edmund moves to behind the cannon] Prince Harry: [to his father] Yes, and so will Edmund. They've b

The Archbishop

Narrator: England, November, 1487. The battle between the church and the crown continues to rage, and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying. Duke of Winchester: Dying, my lords? Am I dying? Archbishop Godfrey: Never. King Richard IV: [laughs] Never! Archbishop Godfrey: Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours until your recovery- [the Duke moans in pain] Let us imagine you yourself were to pass away. To whom would you leave your lands? King Richard IV: Ah, to me, of course. Duke of Winchester: Yes. To my beloved king. Archbishop Godfrey: May your filthy soul be prepared for Hell, my son. Duke of Winchester: Hell? Archbishop Godfrey: Yes, Hell, where Satan belches fire and enormous devils break wind night and day. Hell, where your mind is never free from the torments of remorse, and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks. Duke of Winchester: No! Spare me the little forks! King Richard IV: [confused] What is this nonsense? Archbishop Godfre

The Archbishop

Prince Edmund: Ah, Baldrick! What news? Baldrick: Well, my lord, an informed source tells me that the Duchess of Gloucester has given birth to twin goblins. Prince Edmund: No, no, no! About the Duke of Winchester! Baldrick: Oh, he's still hanging on. Percy: He must be on his last legs by now, my lord. Prince Edmund: Yes, but how many sets of legs has that man got? Really, I wish he'd make up his mind, either he dies, or he lives forever! It's his silly-sallying that's so undignified. Messenger: [enters] my lord, I come with tragic news. Prince Edmund: What, died at last, has he? Messenger: Who, my lord? Prince Edmund: [sarcastically] Oh, I see. Now the idea is that you ask me what the message is before you tell it to me! Quite brilliant, I must say. I was referring to the Duke of Winchester. [put his hands on his hips] Messenger: [put his own hands on his own hips] "Who", my lord? Prince Edmund: [notices that Messenger has copied his gesture] Right. Let's try to sort this out in words

The Archbishop

Percy: Who do you think will take over? Prince Edmund: Oh, I don't know. It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should imagine. They tend to go for religious types. Baldrick: Rumor has it, my lord, that the King wants to choose Prince Harry. Prince Edmund: [not paying much attention to Baldrick] Oh really? Baldrick: [driving home the point] Prince Harry, Archbishop, my lord...? Prince Edmund: [perked up] Good lord! Prince Harry, Archbishop! And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we? Percy: Yes! They go to Canterbury. Prince Edmund: No no no no no no no! [makes a quacking noise as he runs his finger across his throat] Percy: Oh yes! [makes the same sound and gesture; he and Edmund laugh] Prince Edmund: Are you sure about your source, Baldrick? Baldrick: Yeah, it was Jane Smart. You know, she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt. Prince Edmund: Oh yes! She's quite reliable! Well! With Harry gone, [all three do throat-cutting finger

The Archbishop

Prince Edmund: Have you heard any more good rumors, Baldrick? Baldrick: Not really, my lord. Apparently Lord Wilders is keeping a sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no. Prince Edmund: Ah, fair enough. Queen Gertrude: [disgusted] What are you doing dressed like this, Edmund? Prince Edmund: Like what, sorry? Queen Gertrude: Well, this enormous nonsense here! [taps his codpiece with a boing sound effect, and walks away. Harry sees this and shakes his head. Then fanfare begins] Prince Edmund: [to his friends] Fingers crossed... King Richard IV: Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. [there is a murmuring among those gathered] May he last longer in his post than his predecessors. Prince Edmund: [to his friends] Fat chance! King Richard IV: I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son... [Baldrick and P

The Archbishop

King Richard IV: Keep going, keep going. Use both hands! [Harry does so] Very good, very good... [Harry loses] Well done, well done, Harry. [there's a knock at the door] Enter! Prince Edmund: [enters, bowing repeatedly, and continuing throughout the scene] Your Majesty. King Richard IV: Ah! My Lord Archbishop. Prince Edmund: Um, there were just a couple of points, um, about my appointment, um, before things really firmed up. King Richard IV: Yes? Prince Edmund: Um, personally, could I- King Richard IV: No, you couldn't!!! Prince Edmund: Oh, fine. [backs up several paces] And, er, secondly- King Richard IV: Don't be mistaken about this appointment, Edward. I've always despised you! Prince Edmund: Well, you are my father. I mean, you're biased. King Richard IV: You, compared to your beloved brother, Harry, are as excrement compared to cream! Prince Harry: Oh, my lord, you flatter me! Prince Edmund: And me, also! King Richard IV: So now, my boy, when I've at last found a use for you, don'

The Archbishop

Prince Edmund: We've got the thumbscrews, the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks, those long rods you [he moves his fist as though he's holding a rod vertically] ram around, er...Oh! Where's the dwarf? Dwarf: [a cloth moves as he pushes from behind it] Here, my lord. King Richard IV: Archbishop! Prince Edmund: [weakly] Hail... King Richard IV: Going somewhere? Prince Edmund: [stepping forward slowly] Umm, yes... King Richard IV: Where? Prince Edmund: C-Canterbury...? King Richard IV: [smiles] Good, good! Harry here will accompany you. I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture. Chiswick! Fresh horses! [he and the warrior leave] Percy: [comes from around the cart] My lord, if we're going to catch the boat to France, you'll have to hurry. Prince Harry: [confused] Um, boat to France? Prince Edmund: Um, you off to France, Percy? Percy: [confused] I thought we all were. Prince Edmund: No, no, uh, Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry? Percy: [understands] Oh, I see. Yo

The Archbishop

Prince Harry: ...And another thing that bothers me, Your Grace: suppose my right hand offends me, and I cut it off, well, what if my left hand offends me as well? I mean, what do I cut it off with? Prince Edmund: Er, yes, yes, that is a knotty one... Prince Harry: Yes. Peasant 1: Here; who was that? Peasant 2: I don't know. But that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure. Peasant 1: Now that's what I call style.

The Archbishop

Herbert: Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost? Prince Edmund: [looks around; the King mouths "Yes!" to him] Um, yes. Herbert: I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of all England. [places the hat on Edmund's head] Narrator: His investiture over, Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth. But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him, until, at last, one day...

The Archbishop

Prince Edmund: Tell me, Brother Baldrick, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites? Baldrick: I don't know, My Lord, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other. Prince Edmund: Oh my God, this is it! Baldrick, go and get my Lord Bishop of Ramsgate! Baldrick: Eh? Prince Edmund: Get Percy! Get Percy! [sees the spikes on the man's helmet] My life is hanging by a thread!

The Archbishop

Lord Graveney: [coughs] And if I don't leave my lands to the Church, then what? Bishop William: Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to Hell. Lord Graveney: Alas! Bishop William: Hell, where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds. Lord Graveney: No! No! [coughs] I place my lands in the hands of the Church, and so bid the world farewell. King Richard IV: What?! Bishop William: Shhh! King Richard IV: The Archbishop not yet arrived?! Bishop William: Not yet, and even if he did arrive- Prince Edmund: Wait! Bishop William: Too late! Prince Edmund: Oh, get out of my way! King Richard IV: I'll kill the pair of you! I'll abolish the Church! Prince Edmund: [to Lord Graveney] My lord! My lord! [to Bishop William] I said out! [Percy and Baldrick force the Bishop out of the room while he jumps on the bed and shake Lord Graveney awake] My lord, wake up! Wake up! Lord Graveney: [waking up] Am I in paradise? Prince Edmund: No, not yet! Lord Graveney: Then this must be Hell! Alas,

The Archbishop

Peasant 2: Who's that? Peasant 1: Looks like the kind of pair who would kill the Archbishop of Canterbury to me. Peasant 2: Typical.

The Archbishop

King Richard IV: DIE, YOU TURKISH DOG!!! [the King forces Harry to the table] YOU TURKISH PIG!!! Prince Harry: Father, it's me! Pax!!! King Richard IV: [realizes] Oh, yes, of course. Sorry, Harry. You're improving. Prince Harry: Yes, well, thank you, Father. [turns to Queen] Good night, Mother. [leaves] King Richard IV: He's gaining on me. He's gaining on me! [goes to the other end of the long table] Queen Gertrude: And how was Edmund? King Richard IV: Oh, well, well, very well. [picks up a piece of meat, smells it, then calls out] Chiswick, fresh horse! [tosses the meat over his shoulder] Queen Gertrude: And how are his dear little sheep? King Richard IV: [confused] Whose sheep? Queen Gertrude: Edmund's sheep. King Richard IV: What sheep? Queen Gertrude: Well, the ones at Canterbury, his flock that he was talking about. King Richard IV: [tears off a whole leg from the horse; rolls his eyes and mutters at his wife's comment] Oh my god... Queen Gertrude: I can't understand it; Edmund do

The Archbishop

Prince Edmund: Right, now let's get down to business, shall we? Percy: Business, My Lord? Prince Edmund: Yes. Baldrick has been looking at some of the ways we could actually make a bit of money on this job. Baldrick: Well, basically, there appear to be four major profit areas: Curses, pardons, relics and selling the sexual favors of nuns. Prince Edmund: Selling the sexual favors of nuns? You mean some people actually pay for them? Baldrick: Well, foreign businessmen, other nuns, you know. Prince Edmund: Ah. Well, let's start with the pardons, shall we? Baldrick: Right. Well, this is a fair selection. Basically, you seem to get what you pay for. They run all the way from this one, which is a pardon for talking with your mouth full, signed by an apprentice curate in Tewkesbury. Prince Edmund: Ah, how much is that? Baldrick: Two pebbles. All the way up to this one, which is a pardon for [reads] "anything whatsoever, including murder, adultery, or dismemberment of [Edmund reads along] a cl

The Archbishop

George: Little sisters of indolence, three men came in. Which way did they go? Prince Edmund: [covering his mouth; speaks falsetto] Oh, I think they went that way. George: God bless you. Justin: Wait! They'll be watching out for us dressed like this. Quick! In here. [motions to one of the bed areas] Baldrick: [falsetto] Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly knights pass this way? George: [falsetto] No, Sister. More's the pity, eh? Justin: [falsetto, to Baldrick] Why don't you try that way? Percy: [normally] Thank you very much. Justin: [normally] You're welcome. Sister Sara: And yet, Mother Superior... [back to the fight for one second] ...does not St. Paul say in the Ephesians... [back to the fight for one second] "A woman is like a bat..." [back to the fight for one second] "...often heard but never seen"? [back to the fight for one second] Mother Superior: No, I don't think so, Sara. [back to the fight for one second] Shall we check the dormitory? Sister Sara: [smiles] Oh, yes, Moth

The Archbishop

Prince Edmund: And that, sweet lady, is the whole story. Mother Superior: Let us go over the facts again. Having been appointed Archbishop, you found that all your interests lay in the beauty of your vestments? Prince Edmund: Ahh, the fine embroidery... Mother Superior: Unable to resist the slide into depravity, you began to dress up in the habit of a nun. Prince Edmund: I could not resist the texture of the Hessian underthings. Mother Superior: [sarcastically] Ooh, I can understand that. Then, you forced the Bishop of Ramsgate and one Brother Baldrick to do so also. Prince Edmund: Oh, may I be cursed for it! Mother Superior: And finally, you got two knights drunk and invited them to come and wrestle with you inside the nunnery in an orgy of heathen perversity? Prince Edmund: That's it, Your Grace. Mother Superior: It bears the ring of truth, and I must therefore tell you that this morning I have written urgently to all three popes recommending your immediate excommunication. Nevermore

The Archbishop

Mother Superior: Alas, the corruption of the world... Sister Sara: Yes, alas, Mother Superior. Mother Superior: I'm tired and weary. You may leave me now. Sister Sara: Very well. [turns to leave] Mother Superior: Alas... Sister Sara: [stops and turns to Mother Superior again] So presumably you won't be needing the unicorn tonight. Mother Superior: No, not tonight, Sara.

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Lady: O noble prince, your secret note of love has won my heart. The castle of my body is yours by right of conquest. Come, let your tongue dive into the moat of my mouth and let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies, for I’m yours [removes her cloak] and yours alone! Prince Edmund: [taking off his hood to reveal himself] And I’m yours! Lady: Eugh! Edmund! I thought you your brother! [pushes Edmund off the rampart; dogs are heard attacking him]

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Narrator: In 1492, after the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse of the Treaty of Insects, Europe was in disarray. Kingdoms rose and fell; borders, even languages changed; men were killed by their own side and women raped by soldiers from up to seven different nations every week. Narrator: The courts of Europe throbbed with activity, and none more so than England... King Richard IV: Chiswick, hand me one of the human figures. Chiswick: [stops beating the drum] Yes, my lord. [begins to pick up one of the human figures] King Richard IV: The Swiss are always cowards. Messenger: [enters] My lord, good news! The Swiss have invaded France! King Richard IV: Excellent! Wessex, while they're away, take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva! Chiswick: But the Swiss are our allies, my lord. King Richard IV: Oh, yes. [to Lord Wessex] Well, get them to dress up as Germans, would you? Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the king of France in sympathy for the death of his son. Chiswi

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Percy: Morning, my lord. [gives Edmund's dwarf a scrap of food] Baldrick: Morning, my lord. Prince Edmund: Morning. Baldrick: My God, what's happened to your neck? Prince Edmund: Erm, er, well, well, well, well, they're love bites, actually! Baldrick: Look more like dog bites to me. Prince Edmund: Well, yes, yes, she was, erm, a bit of an animal! Percy: Really, my lord! Prince Edmund: Oh yes! Percy: Fight to the death, eh?! (they both laugh; Baldrick goes over to feed the dwarf) Prince Edmund: Oh yes. Well, as my tutor, Old Bubbleface used to say, "Make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease". Baldrick: Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites. Prince Edmund: They are not dog bites! She was very attractive. Baldrick: Yeah: shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes... Prince Edmund: No, Baldrick! It was a woman! Baldrick: Fair enough, my lord. Prince Edmund: Right. Now that's sorted out. Percy, what are we up to today? Percy: Well, my lord, first

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Prince Harry: [approaches Edmund, Percy and Baldrick; he's escorting a beautiful black-haired young woman] Ah, bienvenido a nuestro castillo. Espero que encuentre los desagues a sus satisfaccion. Prince Edmund: [enthralled by the woman's beauty; giggles a bit before coming to his senses] Hmm? Prince Harry: It's Spanish. It means "Welcome to our castle. I hope you find the drains to your satisfaction." Well, here you are; [gives Edmund a piece a paper] I've jotted it down for you. It should help to break the ice with the Infanta. [Edmund looks confused] Oh, by the way, I don't think you know the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg. Prince Edmund: [disappointed] No. How do you do, young lady? Prince Harry: Well, good luck. [walks away, speaking to Caroline] Er, bienvenu a notre chateau, Caroline. J'espere que vous trouvez... Prince Edmund: Luxembourg, hah! Baldrick: My God, have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with jealousy? Prince Edmund: No, I haven't! Baldrick: Seethe, seethe,

The Queen of Spain's Beard

King Richard IV: We burst in and slaughter their gizzards. [laughs] Messenger 1: [arrives] My Lord, news... King Richard IV: What? Messenger 1: The Spanish Infanta has arrived. King Richard IV: Ah, good news![Messenger 1 leaves] Soon we will have Spain in our grip. Messenger 2: [arrives] My Lord, news... King Richard IV: What? Messenger 2: The King of France sends his greetings. King Richard IV: Ah, good news! [Messenger 2 leaves] My diplomacy triumphs. Messenger: My Lord, news... King Richard IV: What? Messenger: Lord Wessex is dead. King Richard IV: [raises his arms in triumph; the messenger raises his own arms too] Ah- [loweres his arms] This news is not so good. Messenger: Pardon, My Lord? King Richard IV: I like it not. Bring me some other news. Messenger: Pardon, My Lord? King Richard IV: I LIKE NOT THIS NEWS! BRING ME SOME OTHER NEWS!!! Messenger: Yes, My Lord! [leaves as the King tosses things around angrily. He arrives with more news] My Lord, news... Messenger: Lord Wessex is

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Prince Edmund: Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus! [locks the door] Baldrick: But, my lord, you can't just lock her out, you know. Prince Edmund: Well, you may be right. [pulls on a rope, causing a metal gate to shut down in the doorway; he then holds a club with several metal spikes coming out] That should hold her for at least a minute! Percy: Wait a moment, my lord! I think I have a plan which could get you out of this mess. Prince Edmund: Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy, let's face it. Percy: Oh, yes. Yes, maybe you're right. Prince Edmund: But tell me what it is anyway! Percy: Ah, no, actually, I don't think I will, my lord. Prince Edmund: Please, Percy, tell me what your plan is! Please tell me! Percy: [enjoying seeing Edmund grovel, and chuckles to himself] Alright! I go to the Infanta's room and tell her that you've gone mad. She comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then, this is the cunning part, instead of saying 'oink, oi

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Baldrick: Right, perfect. Now all you need to do is practice with Percy. Prince Edmund: [shocked] Practice what? Baldrick: Presentation, my lord! Prince Edmund: Oh, I see. Baldrick: [moving Percy] You stand over here, and, my lord, just there. Right; now, Percy, Lord Edmund is going to try and make himself attractive to you. Percy: Attractive? Prince Edmund: You know, like the Earl of Doncaster. Percy: Good lord! Well, er, fair enough. [waves seductively at Edmund] Prince Edmund: No, you act normal! I'm the Earl of Doncaster! Percy: [remembers] Oh, I see. Prince Edmund: It's me...Right. Baldrick: Right. [holds his arm between them, rather like the referee of a boxing match] Go! [stands aside] Prince Edmund: Oh my God, this is impossible! I can't do this! Baldrick: Never mind. I've a couple more things that might help. [exits] Prince Edmund: Percy, Percy, what am I going to do? Percy: Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation. Prince Edmund: Ah, right. Erm... Percy: [in a

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Prince Edmund: Look out, here she comes! [they strike up effeminate poses as the King and Chiswick enter] King Richard IV: [passing Edmund] 'Morning, Doncaster! [turns to Lord Chiswick, giving him an urn] Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples. Chiswick: What is it, my lord? King Richard IV: The King of Naples. Chiswick: Immediately, my lord. [he and the King exit] Prince Edmund: Right. Quick, quick! [they return to their effeminate poses] Prince Edmund: [not wishing to appear this way in front of the beautiful woman, he tries to take off the hat] Oh my God! Prince Harry: [seeing Edmund's getup] Ah, some lark for the stag party, wot? Prince Edmund: Erm, yes, yes, that's right. Prince Harry: I don't think you've met the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg. Prince Edmund: [as deeply as he could] No. How do you do, Ursula? Prince Harry: Actually, I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the wedding feast. I thought perhaps I'd go for a fruit motif. Prince Edmund: [reacting

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Prince Edmund: Percy, is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying the woman! Percy: Yes, I know, but it’s only for a couple of days, isn't it... Prince Edmund: Ah yes, that's true. Come on, hurry up, Father! Reverend Lloyd: Er, yes, very well. Er, we are gathered here, O gracious Lord, to bear witness, at very short notice... [Tally giggles] ...to the marriage of these two God-fearing Christians: er, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, and, er, Tally Applebottom. [Tally giggles again] Is that right? Tally: Yes, that's right. Whoever would have thought it? The Duke of Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tally! [laughs] Prince Edmund: Shut up!!! Come on, get on with it, Father, will you? Reverend Lloyd: Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh? Prince Edmund: No, I'm a bowl of soup! [Tally laughs] Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up... Reverend Lloyd: And are you Miss Tally Applebottom? Tally: Mrs. Reverend Lloyd: Er, Mrs.- [realizes] Ah... Prince Edmund: Ah...

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Infanta: Ah, esto estas bien. Don Speekenglish: Well, this is nice. Queen Gertrude: Oh, yes. Infanta: Hablierto poco de cosas de mujeres. Don Speekenglish: To have a little talk about a lady's things. Infanta: Si, los dos solas. Don Speekenglish: Just the two of us. Queen Gertrude: Oh, yes, yes. Infanta: Si, bueno. Señora, hable mi de les hombres ingleses. Don Speekenglish: So tell me, Mrs. Queen, about Englishmen. Queen Gertrude: Well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know, and with other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women, they only want one thing! Infanta: [grinning] Que? Que? Don Speekenglish: And what is that? Queen Gertrude: Well, it’s a kind of pudding made of bread and butter and raisins, and, of course, the other thing... Infanta: Que el otro? Que el otro? Don Speekenglish: And what is the other thing? Queen Gertrude: [as though it's obvious] Oh, well, custard! Don Speekenglish: Crema! Infanta: [laughing] No...Edmundo; que tal es? Don Speekenglish: Edm

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Prince Edmund: I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this, the most depressing night of my life. Baldrick: Well, my lord, at least you can take solace in one thing. Prince Edmund: What's that? Baldrick: We're pretty sure your wife's a virgin. Prince Edmund: At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she wasn't, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you've still got to be a virgin. [suddenly, an idea forms in Edmund's head and he looks at Percy] Percy: What, my lord? [realizing Edmund is grinning, and begins to understand] Oh! Baldrick: [chuckles nervously] Oh no. [understanding] No. [horrified] No! Prince Edmund: Yes! Yes! YES!

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Baldrick: Please, my lord, I beg you to reconsider. Prince Edmund: Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it. Baldrick: But I'll die in there. Prince Edmund: Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral; bury you at sea; say you died in combat with an enemy vessel. That's it. There we are. Go on, in you go. [pats him on the head] Little boy with big job to do...Come on, Percy, let's get the King. Baldrick: Infanta...Infanta... Infanta: Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio! Don Speekenglish: Oh Edmund, my love! Infanta: Ohh!!! Prince Edmund: My lord, Your Majesty. King Richard IV: What? Prince Edmund: I bring the gravest of news. King Richard IV: What? Have our armies at the Rhine been slaughtered to a man, had their heads cut off and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional Swiss manner? Prince Edmund: Um, no, my lord. Infanta: [back in the dark room] No te reprimas, por favor, pequeña. Don Speekenglish: Don't hold back, please, my little one. King Richard IV:

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Archbishop: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together, here in the sight of Our Lord, to witness the marriage of two God-fearing Christians. [Baldrick is also in attendance; his face is black and blue] Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh? Prince Edmund: Yes, I am... Archbishop: And are you Maria Escalosa Fiena Infanta? Infanta: Si, si, si! ¡Estúpido, date prisa! ¡Deseo volver a entrelazarlo en mis anchos muslos! Don Speekenglish: Yes, you stupid person, hurry up. I wish to entwine him again in my broad thighs. Archbishop: Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God. If any man here knows just cause why they may not be married... Prince Edmund: [looks up, and we hear his thoughts] Oh, dear Lord, please, help me now! Archbishop: ...let him speak now or forever hold his peace. Prince Edmund: [looks up; thinks] Now's your chance! Archbishop: So be it. Prince Edmund: [looks up; thinks] Oh, thanks a lot! King Richard IV: Come on, hurry up! Archbishop: [faster] Do you, Edmund Plantagenet, take M

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Prince Edmund: "...and so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends in the forest, and go to live in a land far away, where the elves and the fairies would look after him until the day that he died." Princess Leia: [yawns] Oh, that was lovely, Edmund. What a happy story. Isn't it time to put the light out? Prince Edmund: Yes, my dear, I think it is. It must be at least six o'clock... [blows out the candle as the end credits starts]

The Queen of Spain's Beard

Princess Leia: [off-screen] Can I get a drink of water, please? Prince Edmund: [off-screen, tiredly] Yes, yes, yes, alright...

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Mrs. Tyler: What about this plague, then? Rumors from the North say it's worse there than ever. Mr. Piers: No, no...Now that we've found out about the rats, we'll never have plague again. Mrs. Field: You know what they're saying: "A rat a day keeps the plague away!" Mr. Piers: Believe me, madam: There'll be no more plague in our lifetime. Mrs. Tyler: Well, I hope you're right. [she goes to get a bowl]

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Narrator: By the autumn of the Year of Our Lord, 1495, the Black Plague once again howled westwards across Europe from the Indies, carried by seamen and entering England by the South West Passage. Each day, thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake, and not even the best and noblest escaped its horror. Prince Harry: Ah, Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you. Prince Edmund: [hiding the portrait behind his back] Er, doing what? Prince Harry: I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather. Prince Edmund: [a bit excited at the possibility of being closer to the throne] Oh dear! Any idea what? Prince Harry: Not sure. I think it's probably Black Death. Nevertheless, I am sure that he'd appreciate a little visit from you... Prince Edmund: Oh. Well, I'm sure I can pop my head round the door... Prince Harry: ...sort of nowish.

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Prince Edmund: Mother, would you like to...? Queen Gertrude: Oh, no, dear, he won't let me near him. Queen Gertrude: How is he? Prince Edmund: [still shocked] Well, he's up.

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Prince Harry: My Lords of the Council, we face today the gravest crisis this country has known since the Roman invasion. All: Hear hear! Prince Harry: Therefore, I propose- Officer: Your Highness, the King has stirred and calls for you. Prince Harry: Ah. [swallows nervously] Very well. [removes his hat; standing up] Gentlemen, I must leave you. [take the helmet from Officer and draws his sword, preparing to meet the deranged King] Prince Edmund is in charge! Prince Edmund: Er, yes, right. Gentlemen, right... [reading from Harry's notes] As you know, today we face the gravest crisis this country has known since the Roman invasion. Lord Ross: What about the Viking invasion? Lord Fife: And the Norman invasion? Angus: And the Swiss invasion? Prince Edmund: Er, well, the greatest crisis for some time. Lord Fife: And we all know why! Prince Edmund: Why? Angus: Because the King is possessed! Prince Edmund: [shocked] What?! Lord Fife: True! True! The land is full of omens of bewitchment. Only

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Prince Edmund: [stepping over some of the corpses] I mean, obviously, there are some genuine cases... Villager 1: Good morning, Prince Edmund. Prince Edmund: 'Morning, peasant! Villager 2: 'Morning, Prince Edmund. Prince Edmund: 'Morning, peasant! Villager 3: [speaking from atop a heap of corpses in a carriage] 'Morning, Prince Edmund. Prince Edmund: 'Morning, peasant! Baldrick: My Lord, shouldn't you disguise yourself? Prince Edmund: Hmm? Baldrick: Well, I mean: we don't want someone with a grudge coming up and infecting you on purpose. Prince Edmund: Ah, yes, you're right. Villager 4: 'Morning, stranger. Prince Edmund: 'Morning, friend! Peasant 3: 'Morning, stranger. Prince Edmund: 'Morning, friend! Peasant 3: [to his companion] Who is that dark stranger? Peasant 1: Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund. Percy: This way, My Lord. [put his cape down over a patch of manure] Prince Edmund: Yes. [avoid walking on Percy's cape; walks around it] Dying Crier: Bring out your dead! [dies] Prince Edmun

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Witchsmeller: [has his hands crossed; one hand has "EVIL" written on the fingers; the other hand has "GOOD" written on the fingers] I have two functions to protect the good, [turns up and opens the "GOOD" hand, revealing a white egg] and to crush the evil. [turns up and opens the "EVIL" hand, revealing a brown egg] Watch! [he squeezes the eggs; both of them break] Prince Harry: Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating! Erm, actually, you have crushed both eggs, you know. Witchsmeller: Some that seem good sometimes proved to be evil. [holds up the remains of the evil egg] Baldrick: [enters] My lords; The Duke of Edinburgh. Prince Harry: Ah, Edmund! Come on in, come on in. The Witchsmeller's arrived. Prince Edmund: Oh yes? Old Big nose is back, is he? [the Witchsmeller turns, recognizing Edmund's voice. They both realize that they were the ones in the village.] Oh, hello...I'm delighted to meet you. Why, I'm one of your greatest admirers. Witchsmeller: [outraged] "Old Big nose is back"??? Pri

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Officer: Lords and Ladies of England, this court is summoned to adjudge the most heinous of all crimes, that of witchcraft. [the crowd screams; a Woman falls from her seat, onto the floor] Further onto this day, as the accused is a Prince of the Realm. Step forward, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh. Woman 2: Look at his hair! Woman 1: His hair proves it! Officer: Who will defend the accused... [Percy stands up] ...and thus condemn himself to certain burning at the stake as a partner in Satan if the accused is found guilty? Baldrick: Lord Percy will defend His Royal Highness. [motions at Percy to stand] Percy: Oh, yes, yes, me, sorry, yes...Hello... Witchsmeller: [arrives, carrying a Bible] Witch! [the crowd gasps] Witch!! [the crowd gasps again; he's now in front of Percy] WITCH!!! Woman 2: Look at his hair! Woman 1: His hair proves it! Witchsmeller: [to Harry] My lord, will you force us to listen to the pleadings of a man who may be a witch himself? Prince Harry: You know, you're absolutely

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Queen Gertrude: Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch. Prince Edmund: Mother, I'm not a witch! Queen Gertrude: Oh, Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber. Prince Edmund: Mother, I beg of you: use whatever power you have to help me. Queen Gertrude: I haven't had any power for years, you know. Prince Edmund: But Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise... Queen Gertrude: Otherwise what? Prince Edmund: Well, otherwise, I'll be burnt! Queen Gertrude: Ah, yes, this would be a pity. Prince Edmund: Well, thanks. Queen Gertrude: I'll see if I can sort out something. [leaves] Percy: My lord, I had an idea how to get out of this. Prince Edmund: Yes? Percy: Send for all the greatest lawyers in the land, and they could save you! Prince Edmund: Brilliant! Contact them at once. Percy: I've already done it, My Lord! [holding up some pages of paper] Prince Edmund: Oh, Percy, thank you! Are those the letters? Percy: [a bit reluctant] Er, yes... Prince Edmund: Read them. Percy: [

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Witchsmeller: [holding a page of paper] My Lord, unhappily, the horse, blessed Satin the Confessor, who was to have been our first witness today... Prince Harry: Yes? Witchsmeller: ...cannot be with us. Prince Harry: Oh dear. Witchsmeller: However, before he died... Prince Edmund: You bastard! Witchsmeller: ...he did make this signed confession. I'll read it to you. "I, Black Satin, confess that my former master, Edmund, is the servant of Satan..." [the crowd gasps] "...and I spoke to him on the matter frequently..." [the crowd "Ooh"s] "...over a gallon"-a gallon!-"...a gallon of stable boy's blood"! [turns the paper to display that, below the letter, there is a horseshoe print and splattered blood on the page, and the crowd screams] And furthermore, my lord, this turgid, horrid, nasty and most evil case draws to an end. I call my last witness! Prince Edmund: Oh yes, and what is it? A cow? A talkative badger? An easily-bribed ant? Witchsmeller: I call Jane Firkettle! Jane, do you recog

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Prince Edmund: [rushes to the bars to talk to the guards] Look, erm, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us- Soft: ...Escape... Prince Edmund: ...by dressing up as washer women... Soft and Anon: ...washer women... Prince Edmund: ...and carrying us out in three large wicker laundry baskets? Soft and Anon: ...three large wicker laundry baskets... Prince Edmund: No, I suppose not. [goes back into the cell] Soft: [to Anon] Here comes the wife. Princess Leia: Hello, Edmund. Prince Edmund: Hello, dear... Princess Leia: [giggles] You look funny! Prince Edmund: Yes-I've had all my hair cut off. Princess Leia: Oh yes, that's it. Prince Edmund: Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there? Princess Leia: Oh, no, everyone's really looking forward to it. Hello, boys. Percy and Baldrick: Good morning, Your Majesty... Princess Leia: I have to go to my room, which isn't fair, but, in fact... [steps forward, leans closer to them] Prince Edmund, Percy and

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Prince Harry: I suppose, really, this must be one of the most difficult parts of the job for you. Witchsmeller: [disinterested] Yes. Prince Harry: And for the witch, as well. Witchsmeller: Of course. [takes the torch out of the kindling as the crowd cheers] Baldrick: My Lord, I have a cunning plan. Prince Edmund: Oh, [coughs] off, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him. Witchsmeller: Well, Grumbledook, your time has come. Do you wish to confess? Prince Edmund: Er, no. Witchsmeller: Very well. [moves to light the pyre] Prince Edmund: Wait, yes! Yes, I do! Witchsmeller: CONFESSION! Prince Edmund: I would like to confess in front of God, and this rather small crowd, that I have, on occasion, done things wrong. Witchsmeller: Be more specific. Prince Edmund: Well, I have erred and strayed like a lost ox- Witchsmeller: Sheep! Prince Edmund: Er, sheep. I have, uh, coveted my father's adultery. Witchsmeller: Get on with it! Prince Edmund: I...I have not honored my neighbor's ass. Witch

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

King Richard IV: 'Morning, my love. Queen Gertrude: Ah, 'morning, dear. King Richard IV: [chuckles happily] 'Morning, Princess. Princess Leia: Good morning. King Richard IV: What's going on out there? Princess Leia: Well, Uncle Harry was going to burn Edmund alive, when the doll came along- Queen Gertrude: Darling, shh, shh, shh. [to her husband] Nothing, my dear. It's all sorted out now. King Richard IV: Oh, good, good. [leaves]

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

I said he shouldn't have burnt that cat.

The Black Seal

Many are the tales told of the Black Adder, and of his faithful henchmen, Lord Percy Percy and Baldrick, son of Robin the Dung-Gatherer. But none is told so oft, with so much hitting of heads with wonder and repeating of exciting parts as this, the final chapter in the Book of- "[the title "The Black Adder" appears as the opening theme plays]

The Black Seal

Narrator: England, 1498. Saint Juniper's Day, the day on which the King would lavish new honors on his kinfolk. King Richard IV: Saint Juniper once said "By his loins shall ye know him, and by the length of his rod shall he be measured." The length of my rod is a mystery to all but the queen and a thousand Turkish whores! But the fruits of my loins are here for all to see. I have two sons: Harry, and... another one. Step forward, Harry, Prince of Wales! [Harry takes of his hat, approaches the throne and prostrates himself before the King] Harry, I hereby name thee Captain of the Guard, Grand Warden of the Northern and Eastern Marches, Chief Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester, Viceroy of Wales, Sheriff of Nottingham, Marquis of the Midlands, Lord Hoe-Maker in Ordinary, and Harbinger of the Doomed Rat. [Harry rises, rejoins the crowd, and puts his hat back on] Step forward, the other one! [Edmund gives his hat to Baldrick, approaches the throne, and prostrates himself before the King] No

The Black Seal

Edmund: So I expect you'll go back to shoveling dung in the gutter where I found you? Baldrick: Nah, I shouldn't think so. Edmund: No? Baldrick: Yeah, it took me years to get that job. I'll probably be milking pigs or mucking out lepers or something. Prince Edmund: Really? Baldrick: Yeah, it'll be years before I get back to shoveling dung again.

The Black Seal

Prince Edmund: Get out of my way. Old Man: Going on a journey my lord ? Prince Edmund: No, I thought I'd stand here all day and talk to you. Old Man: You'll be needing someone to tend your horse then ? Prince Edmund: No and even if I did I wouldn't take you. I mean look at you. What is your profession? Old Man: [removes two handkerchiefs from his tunic and proceeds to dance, waving them about] One, two, three! One, two, three! Prince Edmund: Oh my God, a retired Morris Dancer, that's all I need. Well if you can keep up you can come.

The Black Seal

Prince Edmund: [retreating into the woods]: Oh my God, an ambush! Sir Wilfred Death: Never! Prince Edmund: [approaches] Sir Wilfred Death. Sir Wilfred Death: Edmund. Prince Edmund: I'm looking for some men to take over the kingdom. Sir Wilfred Death: How many have you got so far ?

The Black Seal

Three-Fingered Pete: So we are agreed. He who wins takes the horse. [indicates to the nearby steed] Both: Aye. Three-Fingered Pete: There is our mark. [indicates an archery target] You shoot first. [the other bowman knocks an arrow and shoots, hitting the target squarely in the center] That's good...so good, in fact...I'm going to have to... [shoots the other archer dead] ...cheat. Prince Edmund: [shouting] Three-Fingered Pete!

The Black Seal

Guy de Glastonbury: Good evening...and surrender. Your money or your life. Merchant on the carriage: [sighs] Here take it. [gives Guy a purse] It's all the money I have. Guy de Glastonbury: Thank you. Merchant on the carriage: Now let me pass. Guy de Glastonbury: [aside] Damn. [to the merchant] I'm always doing this. Did I say "Your money or your life"? Merchant on the carriage: You did. Guy de Glastonbury: Sorry, slip of the tongue, your money and your life. [shoots the merchant] Sorry. [walks his horse to the front of the carriage, to Ned the driver]: Thanks, Ned. See you Thursday. Sir Wilfred Death: Guy. Guy De Glastonbury: Wilfred! Sir Wilfred Death: Now what we need...is a real bastard. Three-Fingered Pete: Sean, the Irish Bastard.

The Black Seal

Beggar 1: Pity the blind kind, sir. Beggar 2: 'Ere. Business is quiet this morning. Beggar 1: Aye, everyone's gone to lunch I think. Sir Wilfred Death: Sean.

The Black Seal

Farmer: Friar, I fear greatly for her chastity. Friar Bellows: Alas, such is the way of the world. The sweetest rose too often is... [looks longingly at the girl] ...plucked too soon. Farmer: Yes...I wondered if you would take her while I'm gone? Friar Bellows: [taking another longing look at the girl] Yes. The answer is yes. [yet another lustful look, almost sinisterly] I shall... Sir Wilfred Death: Friar Bellows? [Sean, the Irish Bastard removes a cork from a bottle] Doing the Lord's work? Friar Bellows: I was just ministering extreme unction.

The Black Seal

Prince Edmund: Who shall be our seventh? Wilfred? Sir Wilfred Death: Why, need I say more? Jack Guy de Glastonbury: Not mad bully-boy Jack, the grave robbing assassin of Aldwych? Sir Wilfred Death: No. Three-Fingered Pete: Then crazed animal Jack, the cattle rustling canibal from Sutton-Coalfield? Sir Wilfred Death: Ha ha...no. Sean, the Irish Bastard: Then yer man's sane Jack O'Hooligan, the man-hating goat-murderer of Dingle Bay. Sir Wilfred Death: No. Friar Bellows: Surely not Canon Jack Smollett senior archdeacon, the entrail-eating heretic of Bath and Wells? Sir Wilfred Death: No. I'm talking of unspeakably violent Jack, the bull-buggering beast-killer of no-fixed-abode. Prince Edmund: Are you sure he's the sort of chap we're looking for? Sir Wilfred Death: Yes, [points down the hill] and here he comes. Prince Edmund: Are you sure he's the kind of chap we're looking for? Sir Wilfred Death: Yes. Giant: What do you think you're doing?! Sir Wilfred Death: [shouting from the hill] Are

The Black Seal

Jack Large: [from inside the pub] ...so I kissed her on the left buttock. Prince Edmund: [to Jack] So, tell me Jack what is your second name? Jack Large: Large, Jack Large. Prince Edmund: [amused] Ha. Then in our band you shall be known as "Large Jack". Jack Large: [spits out his mouthful of beer and looks at Edmund] Why? Prince Edmund: [nervously] Well...because you are so little. Jack Large: Why not "Little Jack" then? Prince Edmund: Well, because "Large Jack" is more amusing. The Black Seal: Is it? Prince Edmund: Very well then, "Little Jack". Jack Large: You wish to mock my size? Prince Edmund: No, no, no, no, no, no, of course not....erm...Innkeeper, some more beer! Six large beers... [the Black Seal cheers; looks at Jack, who is staring at him] ...and another large beer. [all cheer] Let us then go on to the plan. The Black Seal: The plan, the plan...... Friar Bellows: But first a motto for our enterprise. "Blessed are the meek, [they mutter angrily] for they shall be slaughtered!

The Black Seal

Old Man: You're in a merry mood, my lord. Prince Edmund: Yes. No one can stop me now. Old Man: No one? Prince Edmund: No no-one...except perhaps...no not even him. Old Man: And who might that be my lord? Prince Edmund: Well, there was a man, Philip of Bergundy, known to his enemies as, "The Hawk". We were deadly childhood rivals, although, of course, in those days he was known as "The Thrush", but no one's heard of him for years. Well, come on, let's go. We've got work to do. [is about to leave] Old Man: [in his booming voice] Not so fast, Edinburgh. This "Hawk" did he look something like this? [transforms himself into a much larger man] Prince Edmund: Erm...no, not really. [Philip of Bergundy removes his false eye-brows] Oh my God, Philip of Bergundy! Prince Edmund: ...But your horse used to be a huge brown... [Philip's huge Brown horse appears next to him] Oh yes, that's the one. Well it's been very good to see you...erm...Phil. Philip of Bergundy: This time, not fast enough. Prince

The Black Seal

Philip of Bergundy: I return at last after fifteen years. Prince Edmund: And what have you been up to? Philip of Bergundy: Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge. Prince Edmund: Ah, so you've kept yourself busy. Philip of Bergundy: Yes, fifteen years in France teaches a man to hate! Fifteen years of eating frogs! Fifteen years of wearing perfume! Fifteen years of saying pardon! And all because of you! Prince Edmund: But surely the scenery. Philip of Bergundy: I never went outside. I couldn't stand the smell. Prince Edmund: What has all this got to do with me? Philip of Bergundy: Because, Edmund, its going to take you fifteen years...to die! Prince Edmund: Fifteen years? Philip of Bergundy: Yes. Prince Edmund: How? Philip of Bergundy: I think it would be more amusing if you found out for yourself. Let us just say that it has something to do with snails. [opens the panel in the wall to reveal several snails, and then starts to leave the cell] Prince Edmund: Oh my

The Black Seal

Mad Gerald: "A way out" you say? [Edmund nods] I haven't heard those words "A way out" for...ooh. Prince Edmund: [in a tired voice] Twenty years ? Mad Gerald: Yes twenty years. Not like "Mr. Rat". I'm always saying "Mr. Rat". Prince Edmund: [absently] Who ? Mad Gerald: Mr. Rat. I say "Good morning Mr. Rat, how are you today?" and he'll say [pressing his nose] "meep meep meep". [looks around for something to occupy him, and he laughs some more]

The Black Seal

Mad Gerald: No, you mustn't be rude about Mr. Rat, he's my friend. Well, there's him [points to rat] and there's Mr. Key. Prince Edmund: [perks up] What? Mad Gerald: Mr. Key, [produces a key from his tunic] I made him from my own teeth. Good morning Mr. Key. [Edmund grabs the key from Mad Gerald and runs to the door, and out of the dungeon] Well, close the bloody door!

The Black Seal

Prince Edmund: Stop, stop, where are you going? Cart Driver: I'll tell you where, wherever I can sell these six black carrier pigeons I've got in the back, that's where. Prince Edmund: Six black homing pigeons? Cart Driver: Well, mostly. Prince Edmund: How much are they? Cart Driver: Six shillings. Prince Edmund: [checking his pockets] Oh, damn. Cart Driver: But, I suppose, if you beat me and gagged me and tied me to that tree you could have 'em for less. Prince Edmund: [smiles brightly] Right.

The Black Seal

Philip of Bergundy: By the striking of ten bells, I shall claim the throne. [but then, one by one, the six other Black Seal members appear, blocking any chances of his escape. There's a banging noise from one of the corridor doors] Gentlemen, to whom do I owe this pleasure? Prince Edmund: [finally bursts in unceremoniously, out of the closet, nearly tripping in the process] To me, Bergundy! Philip of Bergundy: Edmund, I hadn't expected to see you again. Prince Edmund: No. Dead men don't make social calls do they? Prepare to die. Philip of Bergundy: Wait! Let me say just one thing. Prince Edmund: [sitting down] Which is...? Philip of Bergundy: If these men are what they seem to be, the six most evil men in the land... Prince Edmund: Yes, they are. Your last sentence please. Philip of Bergundy: Then they've made a pretty damned peculiar choice for their leader, haven't they, my lord Warden of the Privies. Prince Edmund: [laughs] What?! You think they should have chosen you, Thrush? The B

The Black Seal

Philip of Bergundy: In precisely one minute, the spike will go up your nethers. The shears will cut off your ears. Prince Edmund: Both of them? Philip of Bergundy: Yes. Then these axes will chop off your hands. And I don't think we need go further into the attributes of...the codling grinder! These feathers will tickle you under what's left of your arms. That is the amusing part. Gentlemen, let us go and slaughter the Royal Family! God Save the King! The Black Seal: 'Cause nobody else will! Philip of Bergundy: Stop! First let us relieve these wenches of their delightful burden and drink a toast to our enterprise. [he and the Black Seal take the goblets] May good thrive... The Black Seal: Over our dead bodies. Sean, the Irish Bastard: It's got a bit of a sting in its tail. [takes the last goblet, drinks it again, walks off, grabs his head, falls over, lie still, twitches and finally died] Baldrick and Percy: Hooray! Hooray!

The Black Seal

Queen Gertrude: [sobbing] Oh, Edmund. Edmund. Prince Harry: [mournfully] Edmund... King Richard IV: [shouts] EDMUND!!! [Edmund's eyes jerk open] He lives! Prince Edmund: [speaks barely above a whisper] Father, you called me Edmund... King Richard IV: Oh, sorry, Edgar. [shakes Edmund's shoulder] How are you? Prince Edmund: Not so well. Harry, what do you think my chances are? Prince Harry: Oh, good. Good. Queen Gertrude: He will live? Prince Harry: What? Oh, no. Sorry. Sorry, I thought you meant your chances of going to Heaven. Prince Edmund: Damn... King Richard IV: Never fear, my son. Your body may be mutilated beyond recognition, but your spirit will live forever! My lords... Baldrick: [shocked] What did you say? King Richard IV: I give you Edgar! Baldrick: I told you to poison the Black Seal's goblets, not poison the whole vat! King Richard IV: The Black Dagger! Queen Gertrude, Prince Harry, & the whole court: The Black Dagger! Prince Edmund: Adder... King Richard IV: May his name l

The Black Seal

Don't drink the wine!