The Black Adder

[first lines] History has known many great liars: Copernicus. Goebbels. St Ralph the Liar [he is shown holding a sign which reads "St Benedict the Liar"]. But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor King, Henry VII. It was he who rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard III, as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards; in particular: Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy. Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field, and killed Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field, and reigned for thirteen glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told: The History of The Black Adder!

The Black Adder (series 1), CC BY-SA 4.0

Richard, Duke of York: [bangs his goblet on the table three times] Silence! Silence! For the king! King Richard III: [stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly] Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns. And I that am not shaped for black-faced war... [the assembled nobles cheer] ...I that am rudely cast and want true majesty... [the assembled nobles boo the implied insult given by the king's enemies as he fixes his hunched standing position by yanking on his cloak, which had been stuck] ...am forced to fight to set sweet England free. I pray to Heaven we fare well, and all who fight us go to hell! Edmund: [stands up as he raise his goblet] Hooray! Hooray! Absolutely! Hooray! King Richard III: Who is that? Richard, Duke of York: I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry, who is that? Harry: He's your other son, my lord. Richard, Duke of York: It is my other son, my lord. King Richard III: Fights he with us on the morrow? Richard, Duke of York: [to Har

The Black Adder (series 1), CC BY-SA 4.0

King Richard III: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree. Richard, Duke of York: Let "Blood! Blood! BLOOD!!!" be your motto! Slit their gizzards!!! Harry: Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of... violence. But, at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we? King Richard III: And gentlemen in London still abed shall think themselves accursed that they were not here and hold their manhood cheap, while others speak of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar's Day! [raised his sword high]

The Black Adder (series 1), CC BY-SA 4.0

Gertrude: [from outside] Edmund? [opens his door] Oh, Edmund... Edmund: [half asleep] Hmm? Oh, Mother, what do you want? Gertrude: Did you want to go to the battle this morning? Edmund: [sits up with a start; removes a cover from a sundial, and look at it] Oh my god, it's eleven o’clock!

The Black Adder (series 1), CC BY-SA 4.0

Baldrick: My Lord... Edmund: What is it? Baldrick: Where is this battle, then? Edmund: Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field... [they ride off to the right of the shot. Suddenly, we see Baldrick going the other way, followed by Edmund] Damn, damn, damn! The first decent battle since I reached puberty... Baldrick: Here we are, My Lord... Edmund: Onward, Baldrick! To glory! Edmund: [feeling uncomfortable] Y-yes, um, I'm not so sure we're needed here, Baldrick. I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it? Everyone's fighting. Clearly having the time of their lives. Why, some people over there aren't fighting. They're just lying down. Baldrick: They're dead, my lord. Edmund: [feeling sick] Ah, yes. [wriggling on his saddle] Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something. Will you excuse me for a minute, Baldrick? [rides his horse up to the tree]

The Black Adder (series 1), CC BY-SA 4.0

Richard, Duke of York: Your Majesty, you've lost your steed. Take mine! King Richard III: No, no, no. [proudly] I've won the battle! I've saved the kingdom! I think I can find myself a horse. Richard, Duke of York: How true, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle! King Richard III: So be it! [as Richard, Duke of York leaves on his horse, he walks along] A horse! [whistling a call] A horse! My kingdom for a horse! [he stops by a tree, and sees Edmund's horse] Ah, horsie! Edmund: [to himself] Who is this? [drawing his sword] Wait, that's my horse! [swings his sword, and chops off the King's head. He laughs] There, that'll teach you! [picks up the helmeted head] You won't be doing that again, now will you? [lifts the helmet’s face shield] Oh, my god. It's Uncle Richard. [screams in horror] Baldrick: [runs up to Edmund, after parking his mule by the tree] What's that, my lord? [a frightened Edmund tosses the head to him, he catches it with a chuckle. As he lifts the face shield, hi

The Black Adder (series 1), CC BY-SA 4.0