Quotes

Others

Vanessa: Kiss me like you miss me, Red. Blind Al: Listen to the pain. It's both a history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. But we can't really live 'til we've died a little, can we? Weasel: There you go, little fella. Go on, you're doing it! My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy. Juggernaut: "Let's Fuck Some Shit Up" is my legal middle name.

Dialogue

Dopinder: I want to become a contract killer. Deadpool: I'm sorry, what did you say? Dopinder: Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence? Deadpool: Err, you kind of killed him. Dopinder: And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire? Deadpool: Don't want to. Dopinder: When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time, and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more..." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst! Deadpool: ...I'll never not picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible. We're here. Deadpool: Dopinder? It's me again. Look, a saner man might discourage you from joining the deadly merc business, what with your concave chest and your paper towel tube arms. But you're an eagle, and goddammit, an eagle's gotta soar! You gotta grab those dreams, grab those dreams by the dick-tip and make it rain! Dopinder: I don't know what that means. Deadpool: Me neither!

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Deadpool: Family was always an F-word to me. My pile-of-shit father took off and bailed. I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd. Vanessa: Hey, look at me. You are not your father. Besides... I will never, ever let our child be named Todd. Deadpool: But here's the thing – isn't that how it always works? Like in Star Wars, men are destined to become their father, and have consensual sex with their sister? Vanessa: I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie. Deadpool: No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her. Vanessa: Baby, that's Empire. The point is, kids... they give us a chance to be better than we are. Better than we used to be. Deadpool: You're a lot smarter than I look.

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Deadpool: Why can't I just die? Colossus: Take your mask off, Wade. We must talk. [Deadpool does so] You need fresh start. With train, you can be X-Man. Deadpool: You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus. I'm not X-Men material. Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [enters the room with Yukio] Understatement of the year. Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade. [Yukio waves at Deadpool] Deadpool: What in the fuck-knuckles is this? Negasonic Teenage Warhead: She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit. Deadpool: Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends! I'm just surprised anyone would date you, especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. [winks at Yukio] Yukio: [smiling] I like this guy! Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Give him a chance. [to Deadpool] It's great seeing you like this. Deadpool: [laughs] Yeah. Yukio: [leaves the room with Negasonic Teenage Warhead] Bye, Wade. [waves back]

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Deadpool: Hi there! Firefist: [pointing at Negasonic Teenage Warhead] Stay back or Justin Bieber dies! Deadpool: Ha! Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber.

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Colossus: Come quietly or there will be trouble! Firefist: You stole that from RoboCop! Deadpool: That's RoboCop! Just stand down!

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Deadpool: [holding a gun on Cable] Talk! What kind of spineless big stick tries to kill a 10-year old boy? You might wanna start talking, 'cause I got a long history with firing at times like this! Cable: The name's Cable! I'm from the future. Just walk away. Deadpool: Oh, so you're from the future? I have three questions, then. One: is dubstep still a thing? Two: what Sharknado are we on? And three: when do we stop saying "Enough with the robotic arms"? Cable: Dupstep's for pussies! Deadpool: You're so dark... You sure you're not from the DC Universe? And I love dubstep!

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Deadpool: I'm not gonna abandon this kid. He's never had anyone, ever. I need to be selfless. Weasel: Yeah, but what does that mean? Deadpool: It means I'm gonna save Russell. Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa, but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand. Weasel: Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world "selfless". I literally don't know what that means. Deadpool: Jesus Christ.

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Cable: Who are you? Deadpool: I'm Batman.

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Peter: I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous about the high winds? Deadpool: Gary... Peter: My name's Peter. Deadpool: I realize that you're new to this, but relax. You've been chosen by a higher power. Domino: Did he just call himself God? Bedlam: I think he did. Peter: I'd like to go home. Deadpool: [yelling] And I'd like the McRib to be available year round, but sometimes dreams don't come true! I spent ten years in Special Forces! You think we didn't jump out of the plane because of a light breeze?! YOU'RE IN THIS SHIT NOW, MUSTACHE! [whispering] I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'd never let anything happen to you, sugar-bear. [pats Peter on the cheek]

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Deadpool: Russell? Russ- where are you? [a fist punches out through one of the cells, and Russell climbs out] Russell? Russell, you're okay! [Juggernaut stands up behind Russell] Oh, thank GoOOOOH MYYY GOD!!! Juggernaut!! [gasps] I thought that was you! I should've worn my white pants! You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan. Uncanny X-Men #183, Thor #411, X-Men Unlimited #12. You know, it has always been a dream of mine to see my face reflected in your helmet as you charge at me with murderous intent. I don't mean right now. Juggernaut: [grabs Deadpool] I'm gonna rip you in half now. Deadpool: That is such a Juggernaut thing to say-- [Juggernaut does exactly that]

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Weasel: Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy–[Walks in and sees Deadpool with Blind Al; gives a loud shout of shock]...why wouldn't you cover that up? Deadpool: A true warrior has nothing to be ashamed of. Weasel: Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you; you're just straight up shirt-cocking it toddler-style? Deadpool: Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh. Blind Al: What the hell's happening? Describe it. Deadpool: [To Al] I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you- Weasel: It's like, um... Deadpool: [quietly] Here we go. Weasel: It's like he was giving birth anally, but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out and they said, "You know what? I'm done." Deadpool: [To Al] Happy? Weasel: He's like a Muppet from the waist down, but this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a cock- Dopinder: [Comes in] Sorry, I'm late. I had to take care of the inventory–[Sees Deadpool] Aaaaahhhh! Oh, no, no, no, DP, not again. Weasel: This has happened before? [Dopinder starts to gag]

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Cable: If you could go back... and stop the people that took your girl, would you? Deadpool: No. I'd buy them all a bouquet of handjobs. Of course I fucking would! But I wouldn't kill a kid. Cable: I'm not asking you to kill a kid. I'll kill the kid. I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids. Russel's gonna burn down that orphanage, and I can imagine your dead girlfriend would want you to do the right thing, wouldn't she? So what's it gonna be, handsome? Deadpool: Give me a chance to save him. Cable: What? Deadpool: You said once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it. If we can get to him before that happens, promise you'll give me a chance to put him on a different path. Cable: Define "chance". Deadpool: Wha-- I don't know. How long does it take to save someone's soul? That's not-- Cable: I'll give you thirty seconds.

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Cable: We don't have a lot of time. Your friend's about to make his first kill. Deadpool: No offense, but if you know so much, why not travel back to when he was a baby, kill him then? Cable: I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home. Deadpool: Well... [looks to the viewer] That's just lazy writing.

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Firefist: So you wear that helmet because your brother tries to read your mind? Juggernaut: Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even-steven. Firefist: [puts on sunglasses] What do you say we go fuck some shit up? Juggernaut: "Let's fuck some shit up" is my legal middle name.

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Deadpool: Why are you dressed like the Unabomber? Deadpool: That's why... Cable: Told you this little fucker's too far gone. Deadpool: Zip it, Thanos!

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Firefist: How do you know what I want?! Deadpool: Because I've been inside you... that came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes... which is also off-putting. The point is... there are people... There are people in this stupid world, besides him, who will treat you right.

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Firefist: We need a code. Domino: Try, uh... seven? Deadpool: Settle down, Captain Lucky, it's not gonna be one number. Deadpool: God, that's lazy writing. Domino: I still got it.

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Deadpool: [To Cable, after he saved his life] I don't know how to thank you, but I do know how to hug you. Cable: No. Deadpool: Yes. [Hugs Cable] There we go, bring it in, come on. Pelvis to pelvis. Let's go, tip-to-tip, there we go. The kids call this "docking". [The sound of a knife is heard] ...Is there a knife in my dick? Cable: There's a knife in your dick, yeah.

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Headmaster: All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy! Your souls are beyond redemption! Cable: Let's see your soul, perv! [takes out a knife] Deadpool: No, no, no! No more! We're better than that! We're better than him! No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed! We'll let karma take care of him. Headmaster: The day of reckoning is here! [Dopinder suddenly runs over the headmaster in his taxi, followed by silence; Cable winces] Deadpool: I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great. Dopinder: [steps out of the taxi, triumphantly] Whoo!!! Courage, motherfuckers! Domino: And karma, motherfucker. Deadpool: I could hear you coming the last thirty seconds, I could barely keep a straight face! [laughs] Dopinder: I want some more...! Deadpool: I bet you do, Brown Panther. Colossus: We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up. Deadpool: Good call [To Negasonic and Yukio] You guys coming with us? Negasonic Teenage Warhead: No, we'll get the kids back to the mansion. Besides, we're X-Me

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Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [while fixing Cable's time-travel device] How something so small generates enough energy to reverse time... Deadpool: Ugh! Just fix it, Eleven, or I'll take it to the Genius bar. Yukio: Cable's going to kill you when he finds out. Deadpool: Never heard of him. Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Why do you think I'm helping him? [tosses the device back to Deadpool] Deadpool: The Lord works in mysterious ways... don't I? Good day. Yukio: [waves cheerfully] Bye, Wade. Deadpool: Bye, Yukio. [waves back] Yukio: [dropping her smile] That was probably a bad idea. Negasonic Teenage Warhead: What have we done?

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Deadpool: Peter! Peter: Whoo! X-Force! [maes an X with his arms] Deadpool: Walk away! Just walk away! Peter: But we're X-Force! Deadpool: Nope, we're not! X-Force is just a marketing tool designed by Fox executives to keep Josh Brolin employed! It doesn't exist! Peter: All right, well... This has been pretty scary. And I need to feed my cat. Deadpool: Go home, sugar-bear. Go home. Peter: Okay, will you give Domino my e-mail?

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Wolverine: Wade, is that you? [he notices Wade/Weapon XI's mouth is stitched shut] Guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up. Deadpool: Hey! It's me! Don't scratch. Just cleaning up the timeline. Deadpool: Look, eventually, you're gonna hang up the claws, and that's gonna make a lot of people very sad. Wolverine: Huh? Deadpool: But one day, your pal Wade is gonna ask you to get back in the saddle again. [fires at Weapon XI again] And when he does, say yes. Wolverine: Oh. Right. Deadpool: [keeps firing until his gun's clip is emptied at Weapon XI and then leaves; line present in the standard version] Love you.

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Ryan Reynolds: Goddamn, that's beautiful. [In Once Upon a Deadpool and the Super Duper Cut: Welcome to the big leagues, kid.] (The script is then sprayed with blood as Reynolds is shot in the head; his still-smiling corpse then slumps forward onto the desk.) Deadpool: You're welcome, Canada.