Quotes

The Honeymoon [1.1]

Peter: [to Mike] I once saw a movie where a man was getting married. He was so nervous he forgot to put his pants on. Bobby: [looks under the table] You’re OK, dad.

The Honeymoon [1.1]

Desk clerk: Oh, Mr. Brady, you have signed this Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady and family. Mike: Hmm, I forgot. It’s force of habit. Kids aren’t with us. Desk clerk: But you did ask for the honeymoon suite. Carol: Oh, it’s quite alright Mr. Pringle. You see … Mike: [interrupts her] It’s quite alright, darling. No need to explain. It’s obvious that this gentleman doesn’t dig the modern generation.

Dear Libby [1.2]

Cindy: You cheated. Bobby: I did not. And besides: You didn’t see me. Cindy: I did too!

Dear Libby [1.2]

Carol: I don’t hear anything. Mike: What’s the matter with that? Carol: Six kids and no noise. That’s what’s the matter with that… I’ve never heard such a loud silence.

Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy [1.3]

Anyone offering a trip to Europe for the right answer?

Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy [1.3]

[as she picks off flower petals] Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy.

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore [1.4]

Mike: It's just not gonna be the same without Alice. Greg: Well, we can't make her stay. Abraham Lincoln put a stop to that.

Katchoo [1.5]

I'm afraid we were going to get rid of daddy!

A Clubhouse Is Not a Home [1.6]

Mike: Well then? Greg: We're sick of doing all these things. Peter: Do this, do that, they're a real pain. Bobby: Yeah, they're too bossy.

A Clubhouse Is Not a Home [1.6]

[to all the kids] When your mother and I got married, the man said it was going to be better or worse. We have had enough worse. Now we are going to have some better. Effectively immediately, we share. And we share like everyone else.

Kitty Karry-All Is Missing [1.7]

Greg: Come on, Bobby, you can tell us. Bobby: What? Peter: Where did you hide Cindy's doll? Bobby: I didn't hide it, like I told Mom. Peter: Honest? Bobby: Honest. Greg: Would you swear to it? The sacred oath? Bobby: Even the sacred oath. Peter: Boy, that proves he didn't take it. No sir! Marcia: Are you sure Bobby took her? Cindy: Sure I am, he said he hated Kitty! Jan: I heard him say it lots of times. Cindy: [crying] And she doesn't even have her bottle, she'll starve to death! Marcia: Come on. [takes Cindy's hand] Cindy: Where are we going? Marcia: We're gonna get that doll back. Jan: Yeah. [They leave for boys' room] Peter: If Bobby didn't take it, Cindy shouldn't say he did. Greg: Right. Come on, she can't accuse him and get away with it. [They leave for girls' room] Marcia: Bobby, you give Kitty back or... [they realize room is empty] Greg: Now listen here, Cindy, you... [they realize room is empty, Greg turns towards the open bathroom door] Come on. Marcia: Bobby, you give Kitt

Kitty Karry-All Is Missing [1.7]

Bobby: Circum-special? Mike: No, circumstantial. It means things look different than they really are. Cindy: You mean like when a lady puts on false eyelashes?

A-Camping We Will Go [1.8]

Well I guess women are okay for some things.

A-Camping We Will Go [1.8]

Marcia: But mother, us on a camping trip? We've told you it's way worse than death! Jan: Do you expect me to sleep in a tent? Cindy: With wild animals? Carol: Girls, we're not going to Africa. We're just going camping. Marcia: And camping is for boys! Carol: Camping is for boys and girls. Why, it's so much fun falling asleep on the ground. Jan: On the ground, all those beetles are crawling around. Yuck! Cindy: Yeah, yuck! Carol: Why, you haven't got the faintest idea how delightful it is out there under the stars, being lulled to sleep by the sound of crickets, and then awakening in the morning to the smell of bacon frying over an open fire. Marcia: How many times have you been camping, Mom? Carol: Well, never, but I've heard about it. Jan: And I've heard about it, too, and you can count me out. [collapses on the bed] Carol: You are counted in, young lady. We have three new brothers and a new father, and if they like camping, we like camping. Now, there'll be no more discussion about i

Sorry, Right Number [1.9]

Greg: [to Harvey] Hang on a minute. [to Mike and Carol] What gives? Carol: That is how long you are allowed on the phone. And when the sand runs out, it is "Goodbye Charlie". Greg: I am talking to Harvey. Mike: Then it's "Goodbye Harvey"!

Sorry, Right Number [1.9]

Mike: [to the kids] All right! We all know that in the past, the telephone problem has been absolutely impossible! Cindy: It has not bothered me. Bobby: Me neither. Mike: [turns to Bobby and Cindy] Oh yeah? Well, it has bothered me. And it has bothered our household budget. [then to the rest of the kids] Fortunately, I have the solution to the problem and here it is. Mike: [cheering] TA-DA! Carol: That looks like a pay telephone. Mike: That is a pay telephone. Carol: Honey, that looks like a real payphone. Mike: Precisely. Didn’t you notice the other one is gone, the other phone? Carol: Hey, it is gone. Greg: I don’t dig. Marcia: What’s the point? Mike: The point is, this payphone is for all you kids. And the household budget stops taking a beating. From now on, you are given an addition to your allowance for two calls per day. After that, those calls you make is then deducted from your allowance. Peter: Did you say, two calls a day? Mike: [turns to Peter] That’s right, Peter. The rest

Every Boy Does It Once [1.10]

Peter: I'm sorry, I won't tell anybody! Greg: Won't tell what? Peter: I told you, I can't tell you! I promised Bobby, the only reason he told me is, cause I'm his brother. Greg: Well, so am I, dummy!

Every Boy Does It Once [1.10]

Bobby: Nobody said goodbye to me or anything, and I didn't think they cared. Carol: Oh sweetheart, everybody cares. And I bet you your baseball cards you can't guess who cares the most. Bobby: You? [Carol nods] Even though I'm only a step? Carol: Listen, the only steps in this house are those... [shows Bobby the stairs] ...the ones that lead up to your bedroom. So how about marching right back up there? Bobby: Hey Dad, Mom and me are back home again! Mike: Good, cause that's where you both belong!

Vote for Brady [1.11]

Bobby: Greg might probably beat her anyway! Cindy: You say that once more and I'm going to bop you!

The Voice of Christmas [1.12]

Alice: You're guaranteed to be cured in 24 hours. Carol: [raspy voice] 24 hours!? Alice: Unless you break out in a rash. Then you take it off.

The Voice of Christmas [1.12]

Greg: Now, don't let the girls catch you hiding these. Bobby: If they catch me, should I eat the present? Peter: Eat it! [to Greg] He's been watching too many of those spy programs.

Is There a Doctor in the House? [1.13]

Cindy: Marcia! Will you please tell Bobby to stop it? Marcia: Listen, Cindy. You promised you would stay in the boys' room with Bobby and color. Bobby: That is what we are doing! We are coloring! Cindy: I'm coloring a tiger and Bobby's coloring a giraffe. And now Bobby wants to color me! Jan: You? Cindy: He wants to color my spots! Bobby: I thought they would look better in green. Greg: Go back and color your coloring books. And Bobby? Her spots would look rotten in green. Bobby: Hey, how about blue? I am going to make her spots blue. Cindy: I like them red, like they are!

Is There a Doctor in the House? [1.13]

Alice: You got everything here? Carol: Well, I think so. Six luncheon trays...! Carol: [singing] ♪leave it all to me!♪ Carol and Mike: [both singing --and singing the final lyric as a duet] ♪leave it all to me!♪ Greg: Sure great how some people can sing while other people are dying!

Father of the Year [1.14]

Mike: Marcia? Those chores were your punishment. Unless you can explain why you ignored them, I am going to have to be a little more severe. Marcia: But I can't explain. Not right now. Mike: Very well then. Mike: I am going to ground you for one week. No playground or friends's houses. And when you come home from school, you (after school) are to go straight to your room.

Father of the Year [1.14]

Carol: Jan? Carol: [to Jan] Where is Marcia? Jan: I don't know. Marcia: [at the window, from the trellis, and to Carol] Here I am, Mommy. Carol: Marcia...!? What on earth!? Mike: [after leading Marcia inside] Where were you? Marcia: Mailing a letter. Mike: AT THIS HOUR!? DOWN THE TRELLIS!? YOU COULD HAVE BROKEN YOUR NECK! Marcia: I had to mail the letter. Carol: Why? Marcia: I can't say. Mike: Marcia...? Mike: Marcia, I have given you every chance possible. Now you leave me with no alternative. Mike: We are all going skiing this weekend — all except you. Carol: Your father is right. You are going to just have to stay at home with your grandparents.

54-40 and Fight [1.15]

Alice: WRONG! Mike: Uh oh! Wrong it is! Carol: What? What is it? Carol: Oh no! This family better make up its mind and quick! If they don't, it will be no longer possible to purchase premiums!

54-40 and Fight [1.15]

Cindy: Me first! Bobby: Why you? Cindy: 'Cause I'm a lady! Bobby: Aaaawwhhhh. Cindy: I am a lady, if you say I'm not, I'll bop you!

Mike's Horror-Scope [1.16]

Carol: [to Beebe after Bobby and Cindy's fight ends up in her being squirted in the face with a squirt gun] ...they didn't mean any harm...! Beebe: Neither did Frankenstein!

The Undergraduate [1.17]

Jungle fever is going around too but not in this neighborhood.

The Big Sprain [1.19]

Mike: While Alice is grounded, you are all going to assume the job of running this house. And that is starting tomorrow and right after school. Greg: But Dad, our team has practice work outs! So we can stay in shape for the next game! Mike: I guarantee your coach you will be in shape. Marcia: What about my music lessons?! Mike: You can hum a lot while you work. Jan: No dance class?! Mike: That's right. No dance class. Peter: Dad? Would you believe that I would spend every afternoon studying at the library? Mike: [laughs] Yeah, that's a great try, Peter. And I would like to believe that. But it would boggle my mind. Anyone else? Bobby: I give up. Cindy: Me too. Mike: Good. Now that we understand each other, hit the sack! Starting with breakfast tomorrow, we get to work!

The Big Sprain [1.19]

Greg: Dad, I hate to interrupt you while you're on the phone, but... Mike: [on the phone with Carol] No, no, honey. Listen, I mean it. I really mean it. Greg: Peter's t-shirt got stuck in the vacuum. Carol: What's all the commotion about? Mike: Um, nothing. Me and the kids are just playing, that's all. Greg: Peter's in the T-shirt! Mike: What?

Brace Yourself [1.20]

Marcia: [about her braces] Tell me the honest truth. Do I look funny? Cindy: Of course not, Marcia. You look beautiful. Jan: Thanks, Cindy! Cindy: But how do you get the toothpaste through all that barbed wire?

Brace Yourself [1.20]

Jan: [when Cindy is about to go into the bathroom] Marcia's in there. Cindy: Daddy said to act natural — and I always barge in on Marcia when she's in the bathroom!

The Hero [1.21]

[to the deliveryman] You keep calling me sweetie, gorgeous & beautiful, and I'll follow you anywhere!

The Hero [1.21]

Jason: Sorry, I can't make it. I have my piano lessons. Peter: I didn't know you knew how to play the piano. Jason: I don't. That's why I gotta take lessons.

The Possible Dream [1.22]

Marcia: [about her diary] Okay, if you hand it right over, I won't press charges. Greg: What are you talking about? Marcia: As if you didn't know. Peter: Bobby, do you know what she's talking about? Bobby: No. Greg, do you know what she's talking about? Greg: No. Marcia, do you know what you're talking about? Marcia: I certainly do! Someone in this room took my diary. Greg: Your diary, you mean you actually keep one of those stupid things? Bobby: What's a diary? Peter: It's a book, that you write things in, that you don't want anyone else to read. Bobby: Why? Greg: So, you could write stuff like... Greg: [Greg then sits at his desk imitating Marcia writing in her diary] "Dear diary, at last I met him, my dream man. It was at the delicatessen and our fingers tingled as we reached for the same potato salad."

To Move or Not to Move [1.23]

Carol: [about the strange noises] It's probably just the wind against the shutters. Alice: That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady... if there was a wind... or we had shutters.

To Move or Not to Move [1.23]

Bert Grossman: [trying to explain the strange noises] It was probably just the wind through the willow grove. Mrs. Hunsacker: That was no wind through a willow grove. Bert Grossman: Would you believe steeple chimes?

Lost Locket, Found Locket [1.25]

Bobby: Can I spit out my toothpaste? Greg: Why didn't you spit it out in the bathroom? Bobby: You said we had to do just what we did before. I didn't spit now cause I didn't spit then. And you know somethin'? Greg: What? Bobby: It's hard to talk with your mouth full of toothpaste.

Lost Locket, Found Locket [1.25]

Peter: The suspense is killing me! Bobby: So is the toothpaste!

The Babysitters [2.2]

Mike: Gas. Did we turn the gas off? Marcia: Dad, our stove is electric!

The Babysitters [2.2]

Carol: [she thinks Cindy has a cold] Cindy? Are you coming down with the sniffles? Cindy: If I am, I do not want Greg or Marcia blowing on my nose. I can do it myself.

The Slumber Caper [2.3]

Marcia: [reading the caption] "MRS. DENTON? OR A HIPPOPOTAMUS?" Mr. Randolph: Is that your drawing?

The Slumber Caper [2.3]

Carol: As much as we hate to do it, Marcia, I’m afraid you can’t have your sleepover (today). Marcia: [in between tears and before crying] MY PARTY?! Mike: Honey? That drawing might have seemed funny at the time. But you just must have respect for your teachers. Marcia: [crying] But I didn’t do it! I didn’t write Mrs. Denton’s name on it, or that stupid remark! Carol: Your principal said you did, honey. And he’s a very responsible man. He wouldn’t punish you for nothing. Marcia: [crying] You mean, you would rather believe him than me! Mike: Marcia? What you did, that paper was in your desk. And it had your name on it. Well, what else could Mr. Randolph think? Marcia: [crying] You don’t believe me either! And if you don’t, I don’t want a party, or anything ever from you!

The Slumber Caper [2.3]

Marcia: My brother (Greg) is going to regret this! Paula: It itches, Marcia. But it’s kind of funny. I like jokes. What about the one we pulled on Mrs. Denton? Marcia: [to Paula] We? Paula: Yeah, you drew the picture and I wrote the funny line. You know about the hippo? Marcia: You did that? Paula: Yeah, didn’t you think it was funny? Marcia: Funny?! I got punished for that! Paula: Punished? You did? Marcia: I have to stay after school for a whole week now! I almost didn’t have this sleepover because of what you wrote!

The Un-Underground Movie [2.4]

Peter, snow!

The Treasure of Sierra Avenue [2.7]

Cindy: [in a fake-friendly tone] Want a piece of licorice? Bobby: Yeah! Cindy: [in mean voice] I BET YOU DO! (AND YOU GET ONLY ONE BITE!)

A Fistful of Reasons [2.8]

Buddy Hinton: Baby talk, baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk. Cindy: You stop that, Buddy Hinton! Buddy Hinton: Stop that! Oh witty bitty baby talk. There is no witty bitty baby talk, say something. Come on, say something. Peter: [witnesses it and intervenes] Cut that out, Buddy! Buddy Hinton: Baby, baby, what did you say? Peter: Quit teasing my sister!

The Tattletale [2.10]

Carol: Strain a guppy out of his fish tank? Greg: Tattletale! Mike: All right, that's enough. Cindy: But I didn't do anything wrong. Peter stained the guppy. Mike: All right, what Peter did was wrong and what you did was wrong, too. You know that's none of your business. Your tattling is not right and could get other people into trouble.

The Tattletale [2.10]

Bobby: I'm not lending everything to a snitcher! Cindy: I'm not a snitcher. I just tell it like it is. Bobby: Well I'm not lending you my skate key after the way you squealed on Greg and Peter! Cindy: Okay, I'll tell what you did yesterday. Bobby: You little fink!

What Goes Up... [2.11]

Alice: [brings another pillow to rest Bobby's leg] If you ask me, I think it's a miracle. Carol: Yes, that he only sprained his ankle. Alice: No, I meant that it's a miracle that you have a doctor that makes house calls. Cindy: He didn't even ask Bobby to stick out his tongue and say "Ah". Alice: Well, that's just when you sprain the tonsil. Come on, Florence Nightingale, you can help me in the kitchen, making hospital corners on the napkins.

What Goes Up... [2.11]

Peter: Boy, a parakeet just for a sprained ankle. Can I get an alligator if I broke my leg? Mike: No, so don't try it.

Confessions, Confessions [2.12]

Greg: MOM'S FAVORITE VASE! Bobby: She always says don't play ball in the house.

Confessions, Confessions [2.12]

Mike: Well, we have five suspects and five confessions. Carol: Correction. Six suspects. And #6 is looking forward to an overnight camping trip this Saturday. Mike: By Jove, Holmes, you’ve deduced that young Peter Brady did it. Carol: Elementary, my dear Watson, the five who confessed are covering up for the sixth who didn’t. Mike: Right. And if Peter is guilty, then the other kids are accessories to the crime. Carol: Well, what are we gonna do about it, Mike? Mike: Why not we play along with their little game and punish everybody who confessed? Carol: [gasps] What? And allow Peter to get away with it? Mike: Honey, Peter is not going to get away with it. His conscience is not going to let him. Peter: Does anybody know why Dad called this meeting? Marcia: I do. He's gonna tell everybody I broke the vase. I confessed. Greg: Oh, no. Marcia: Well, somebody had to take the blame. Greg: I told Mom I did it. Bobby: Me too. Jan: Thud. Bobby: You too? Cindy: I guess we all confessed. Peter: I d

Where There's Smoke [2.14]

Hey man, they're just plain cigarettes.

Where There's Smoke [2.14]

Mrs. Johnson: [furiously snaps] LOOK! YOUR FATHER, IF HE HAS TO WAIT, HE IS GOING TO BE VERY UPSET! Tommy: I am afraid he is going to be upset anyhow. The cigarettes were mine. Mrs. Johnson: Cigarettes? What cigarettes? Tommy: The ones you thought were Greg’s. See? We switched jackets by mistake. Mrs. Johnson: [calmly] Oh, I see. I certainly owe Greg an apology. (Thanks for telling the truth, Tommy.) Mrs. Johnson: [to Greg] I’m really very sorry. Greg: Yes, ma’am. Mike: Well, if I were waiting at a crowded airport...! Carol: [to Mrs. Johnson] Mrs. Johnson, how about next Friday? Mrs. Johnson: Yes, next Friday. Tommy: Mom? Can we talk about it before we pick up Dad? Mrs. Johnson: [furiously and snaps] I EXPECT THAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE AND AFTER WE PICK UP YOUR FATHER! NOW COME ALONG, TOMMY! Greg: Good luck, Tommy. Tommy: Yeah, I’m sure gonna need it. See you.

Will the Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up? [2.15]

Wig seller (Guest star Marcia Wallace): Ah, that’s our ‘Midnight Temptress’ wig. Jan: ‘Midnight Temptress’, huh? Well, I don’t think I’ll be out that late.

The Drummer Boy [2.16]

Cindy: By yon bonnie banks Peter, Jan: And by yon bonnie braes Peter, Jan, Cindy: Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond Cindy: How are we supposed to practice? Peter: You can hear these drums all the way to Loch Lomond. Jan: Right now I wish Bobby was in the glee club. Peter: I wish he was in Loch Lomond.

Our Son, The Man [2.18]

Remember Dad, we're talking man-to-man, not kid-to-man man-to-man, but man-to-man, man-to-man.

The Liberation of Marcia Brady [2.19]

I am a little Sunflower; sunny, brave and true. From tiny bud to blossom, I do good deeds for you.

Tell It Like It Is [2.24]

Peter: A necktie!? Greg: Sure, Pete. When you're famous, you can't look like a slob. Bobby: Does that mean you have to wear clean socks, too? Greg: [ignoring Bobby] There, now how do I look? Peter: Like a slob with a tie!

The Wheeler Dealer [3.4]

A gentle reminder, my boy: your name is Brady, not Onassis.

The Wheeler Dealer [3.4]

Carol: I don't have to be logical; I'm a mother. Mike: Well, I think you're worrying prematurely because by the time Greg gets enough money for the kind of car he wants, the 1999 models are gonna be here. Carol: Oh no, he wants to buy a car right now. Mike: Look, he's only got $100, he's not gonna be satisfied with anything he can get for that. Carol: Just $100? Mike: Yes, and delusions of grandeur. What kind of a car could he get for $100? Eddie: She's a beauty, ain't she, Greg? I'm only selling her because I need a fast $100. You know, I got 5 or 6 guys just waiting to buy this baby, but it's such a good deal, I wanted a friend to have it first. Greg: Thanks, Eddie. I appreciate that. There's an awful lot of chrome missing up and down here, and all these dents. Eddie: What chrome missing? I've got it right here, you just straighten it out. As for these dents, take it to the auto shop at school, they'll pound them right out for you. Eddie: So it sticks a little! When you own a convert

My Sister, Benedict Arnold [3.5]

Peter: When are you going to grow up? Bobby: When I get older.

Juliet Is The Sun [3.7]

Marcia: One line. It's different with me. I'm a star. Jan: [to Marcia] Well lah-de-dah! Cindy: What does that mean? Jan: It means that Marcia's being a pain in the neck. Cindy: Oh, [to Marcia] well lah-de-dah!

Juliet Is The Sun [3.7]

Carol: Marcia? Marcia: Yes, Mother? Carol: I sent the final program to the printers this afternoon. Marcia: I wish Harold’s name wasn’t in it, he was awful at rehearsal today. Carol: Well Marcia, I’m afraid your name is not going to be in it. Marcia: What do you mean? Carol: I was at the rehearsal this afternoon. Marcia: You were? Carol: Afterwards Mrs. Goodwin and I talked. And we have decided that for the good of the play — and for your own good — she is going to have to replace you. Marcia: Replace me? Carol: Yes. Your understudy is going to be Juliet. Marcia: Tina!? But I’m better than her! Carol: Marcia? It has nothing to do with you being better. It’s your attitude. Marcia: What do you mean my attitude? Carol: Well, you’ve become rude to your friends and siblings! You’ve become impossible to live with! Marcia: [flustered, in between tears, and before crying] Mom...! That is so unfair! Carol: Marcia, I’m not blaming you. It’s not all your fault. We encouraged you. But you let it g

The Private Ear [3.9]

Bobby: You did! Cindy: I didn't! Bobby: You did too! Cindy: I did not! Greg: Hey, what are you two arguing about? Bobby: Well, you might wanna know, she told everyone else. I got called into the principal's office for chewing gum in class!

Her Sister's Shadow [3.10]

Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Getting Davy Jones [3.12]

Greg: What's that got to do with singing at the prom? Peter: Nothing, but it would sure get his attention.

The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses [3.13]

Jan: [reads the letter from her teacher and principal] In the past several weeks, Jan's grades have...! Mike: [stops Jan from reading the letter] That is enough, Jan. Carol: [to Jan] Jan? Where do you normally sit in Mrs. Denthoff's class? Jan: In the back. Why? Mike: Does she write lessons on the black board in the front of the class? Jan: Usually. Carol: Jan? I think you may need glasses. Jan: Glasses? Oh no, Mom! Not glasses! Mike: Certainly, you want to have your eyes checked. Carol: Honey? Wearing glasses isn’t anything these days. Jan: But I’m sure I don’t need glasses! Mike: Well, listen Jan. Do you want to keep failing in school? Making mistakes like taking the wrong bicycle? Jan: Glasses? Oh no, Mom! Not glasses! I am going to look positively goofy!

The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses [3.13]

Mike: Jan? Sit down, honey. Jan? Is there something you must explain to me? Jan: What, Dad? Mike: Well, when we had that picture taken, you didn’t have your glasses yet. Jan: I didn't? Mike: No, you didn't. That cannot be the same picture. Can it? Jan: It isn’t, Dad. But it wasn’t the other kids’ fault. I ruined the first one because I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ran into it on my bike in the garage. Mike: Jan? You are very lucky you ran into the picture. You would've run into something much worse — like a car. Jan: I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll wear my glasses from now on whenever I’m supposed to, I promise. Mike: Oh yeah? Well, for a little reminder, I am afraid I am going to have to ground you. For two weeks, no bicycle. Jan: Can you make it something else? You can’t ground me from riding my bicycle! Mike: Oh yes. I am afraid that I can. Jan: Well, you see, I do not have a bicycle anymore. I sold it to pay for the new photograph. Mike: Well, okay. I guess that is punishment enough.

The Teeter Totter Caper [3.14]

Marcia: No Cindy! It is too hard for you! Cindy: But why can't I help!? The chair, it goes in my room too! Jan: Look Cindy! This isn't a game! If you mess up the paint, we are going to have to do it all over again!

Big Little Man [3.15]

Bobby: Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half! Mike: How much? Bobby: A whole inch and a half! Carol: Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half. Mike: Not since yesterday. Bobby: But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch! Cindy: No, it's only a half an inch! Bobby: How do you know it's only half an inch? Cindy: Well... Mike: Yeah, how do you know, Cindy? Cindy: I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew! Mike: Cindy! Cindy: I'm sorry! Bobby: Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch! Jan: No, only half an inch. Carol: You did the same thing too? [Jan nods] Bobby: Well, a half inch isn't bad. Marcia: Bobby. Carol: Oh, no. Marcia: I guess we should have checked with each other. Bobby: That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of! Mike: Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right — Carol: They were only trying to help. Bobby: They did it be

Big Little Man [3.15]

Carol: Hi, Bobby! Hey, wait a minute, your clothes! Carol: Bobby, your eye! What in the world happened? Bobby: I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley. Carol: Tommy Huxley? He's twice as big as you are! Why doesn't he pick on somebody his own size? Bobby: Well, I picked on him. Carol: You started a fight? Why? Bobby: Well, he was acting like a big shot. Carol: Oh. Well, you weren't by any chance feeling like a little shot, were you? Bobby: Well, I am a little shot, that all I'll ever be! Carol: Oh, Bobby. Listen, you've heard about Napoleon Bonaparte, haven't you? Bobby: Yeah, he's that funny guy that always walked around with his hand on his stomach. Carol: Well, he was also a little guy. And he went around trying to prove how big he was by fighting everybody. Bobby: Did he win? Carol: Nope, just like you he got clobbered. So I really don't think that fighting is the answer. Do you, Bob? Bobby: Not if you lose.

Dough-Re-Mi [3.16]

Peter: Cindy stuck her tongue out of me. Carol: She's just a little girl. Peter: She has an awfully big tongue.

The Big Bet [3.18]

Greg: [on the phone] Yeah Rachel, it’s great seeing you at school. But I still want to take you out. Well, what about a movie tomorrow night? Yeah, the drive-in. It’s a good double bill, uh, a science fiction and a western. Great, great, Rachel. Well, I’ll pick you up about 7. Bye. Bobby: Sounds good to me. Greg: [annoyed] What sounds good to you?! Bobby: A double film. Greg: Exactly what does that mean? Bobby: I’m going with you. Greg: [laughs sarcastically] HA! NO WAY! Bobby: Remember the bet? Greg: [gets upset] I HAVE TAKEN OUT THE TRASH FOR YOU! I HAVE HOSED OFF THE PATIO, HAVE SHINED YOUR SHOES, HAVE MADE YOUR BED, AND HAVE CLEANED YOUR BIKE! AND I EVEN LET YOU BEAT ME AT CHECKERS BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOLD ME TO! BUT THAT IS IT! THAT IS IT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?

The Big Bet [3.18]

Bobby: It’s okay with me! I don’t mind if she comes along or not! Greg: [angry and to Bobby] LISTEN (VERY CAREFULLY) MR. CHIN-UP KING! I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE ASKED FAIR AND SQUARE! BUT THERE IS NO WAY! NO WAY YOU ARE GOING ON MY DATE WITH RACHEL! Bobby: [from the backseat] You're blocking my view! Bobby: And I want some more popcorn. Greg: You've already had three bags! Bobby: Then I want pizza. Greg: I'll be back in a minute, Rachel. Bobby: [Jumps into the front seat] Boy, you can really see better from up here. Rachel: [Unenthused] Uh-huh. Bobby: Neat movie, isn't it? Rachel: Yeah, real neat. Bobby: Having fun, huh? Rachel: We're having a ball. Bobby: You see, I told Greg if I came you wouldn't mind. Greg: [to Bobby] Here's the pizza you ordered! And that's all of the food you get! Greg: [muttering] Our bet had nothing to do with me going broke! Rachel: Greg, wouldn't it be nice if Bobby got in the backseat to eat his pizza? Greg: Yes, that would be nice. Bobby: Okay! [

The Fender Benders [3.23]

Mike: ...Smashed rear taillight, crushed fender, replace muffler, repaint left side...REALIGN THE FRAMES! HOW MUCH! Mr. Dougan: $295.11. Of course, there are some other minor things that I don't mind taking care of myself. Carol: What? Refurnishing your house?!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mike, this just isn't true. Mr. Dougan: Mrs. Brady, are you suggesting that I am lying? Carol: And very badly too.

The Fender Benders [3.23]

Mr. Dougan: I'll see you in court! Carol: My pleasure!

Hawaii Bound [4.1]

That's Diamond Head, dumb head.

Pass the Tabu [4.2]

Bad luck, come and get me.

Cyrano de Brady [4.5]

Pleased to meet me.

Cyrano de Brady [4.5]

Greg: How would you like to get Kerry back? Now listen, I- Peter: I don't trust you, you stole my girl! Greg: I did not steal your girl. Peter: You did. Bobby: If you guys are starting that again, I'm getting out of here.

Fright Night [4.6]

Mike: It's not your fault, Alice. [glares at the kids] Was it, kids? Carol: Like I just said, "If you take a joke too far, someone could get hurt". Jan: Gosh, it won a prize, too. Carol: Well...! [sighs] So much for third place! Mike: All right, all right! That's it! Everybody upstairs! And no allowance for two weeks! And that goes for all of you!

Jan, The Only Child [4.8]

Jan: If I were an only child, I wouldn't have any phony brothers and sisters! Who needs you?! Greg: You mean that, Jan? Jan: You're right, I sure do! Greg: Well, if that's what you want, I'm sure it can be arranged. Right, you guys? [Marcia, Peter, Bobby and Cindy agree] Peter: You just lost yourself five brothers and sisters! Marcia: And you can have the whole house to yourself. Jan: Great! Cindy: For us, too! Greg: As far as you're concerned, we don't even exist. Bobby: Yeah, we're not even here! Greg: Consider us invisible! Come on, gang, let's disappear. [Everybody but Jan leaves] Peter: What are we leaving for? Bobby: Yeah, this is our room!

Jan, The Only Child [4.8]

Marcia: Hey, just a minute, you! Jan: What? [Marcia yanks her sweater back] What do you think you're doing? Marcia: That's my sweater! Jan: So what? I always borrow your sweater! Marcia: Well, not any more. You no longer have a sister named Marcia, and if there's no Marcia, there's no Marcia's sweater. Carol: Okay, kids, okay. Marcia: Mom, we made a deal, remember? Carol: Yes, I remember. Marcia: And I'm sticking to it. Carol: Jan, do you want to stick to it? Jan: Yes! Marcia: Fine. I'll just take my invisible sweater and [snaps fingers] vanish. [leaves] Jan: That's not fair! Carol: I'm afraid it is, honey, you can't have it both ways. So long. [Jan leaves]

Goodbye, Alice, Hello [4.10]

That was Alice; I'm Kay.

Law and Disorder [4.14]

Cindy: [Takes a slice of cheese from the fridge and throws it on Bobby's plate] Here! Bobby: What's the cheese for? Cindy: For you! All rats eat cheese! [leaves angrily]

Law and Disorder [4.14]

Cindy: And he wrote down the names, even mine! Carol: But that's his job, sweetheart. Cindy: Yes, but I'm his very own sister! Carol: Well, that doesn't give you any special privileges. The same rules apply to you that apply to anyone else. Cindy: [angrily] I don't see why they should. Carol: Let me see... I'll try to explain it to you this way. Let's say that Bobby was a policeman, and I drove through a red light. Accidentally, of course. Well, I would expect him to give me a ticket. Cindy: Your own son? Carol: Absolutely. Cindy: Boy, if I ever had a son who was a policeman and he gave me a ticket, I'd give him a spanking! Bobby: I guess she was complaining about me. Carol: You guessed right. Bobby: And I guess you took her side. Carol: You guessed wrong. Bobby: You didn't? Carol: No. Well, Cindy didn't like it, but you were just doing your duty. Carol: I wonder if he really would give me a ticket.

Greg Gets Grounded [4.15]

Mike: I think you better spend some time thinking about your driving habits while you do not use the car for a week! Greg: A week? That's not fair! Mike: Well, it is a lot fairer than not using it for a year, a lustrum, a decade, or a century! Greg: But, Dad, it wasn’t a…! Mike: YOU WANT TO TRY FOR A MILLENNIUM!

Greg Gets Grounded [4.15]

Jenny: [to Carol] Greg borrowed George's car. And he bought tickets (from the stadium) so he could see some rock concert. Carol: [to Mike] Jenny says he borrowed George's car. Now if he didn't, why would she say it? Mike: Oh honey, I cannot believe Greg would deliberately disobey us!

Amateur Nite [4.16]

Greg: [laughs] Jan, you dingaling! We got about as much chance of getting on that show, and winning first prize, and getting the money as we do of robbing a bank! Bobby: Hey! Greg: Forget it.

Amateur Nite [4.16]

THIRD PRIZE? What a gyp! [She goes over to the TV and angrily turns it off] That's the last time I ever watch THAT crooked channel!

The Subject was Noses [4.18]

Something suddenly came up.

The Subject was Noses [4.18]

Hey, you guys...! OH! MY NOSE!

The Great Earring Caper [4.20]

Alice: And I found...! Alice: ...well, what was left of the other one. Carol: Oh no! Peter: At least the mystery is solved. Mike: Well, Carol? You are just going to have to go without them. Come on, honey, we better get going. Cindy: Mom, I promise I’ll never take anything again (that doesn't belong to me) when I’m not supposed to. Carol: All right, Cindy. But you and I are going to have a very long talk about this tomorrow.

You Can't Win 'Em All [4.22]

Mike: Well, six shopping carts full. I think that's a new record. Carol: Yeah, but you got to admit, the smorgasbord is a pretty good idea. We have got enough food to feed all our friends, their relatives, their houseguests, plus any last minute drop-ins. Mike: Even the drop-ins can bring their drop-ins. Alice: [Walks in] Looks like you've got plenty of smorgas for the bord. Mike: There's still more smorgas in the car. Carol: Hey Alice, were there any calls while we were out? Alice: Just one, the school called to give you the date of Cindy's television show. Carol: Oh good. Mike: When is it? Alice: I'll give you a hint: we're going to be eating this stuff a long long time. Carol: Alice, you don't mean. Alice: I do mean. Mike: No, no, no, no, no. Alice: Yes, yes, yes. Carol: No, naturally, the 10th. The night of our party. Alice: I'll get the rest of the stuff out of the car. [leaves] Mike: You know, I don't believe it. First, we're gonna invite a couple of friends over, barbecue steaks

You Can't Win 'Em All [4.22]

[to Cindy] You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy, because you might be one yourself someday. Just remember that.

Mail Order Hero [5.2]

Greg: Its a good composition Pete. How come you got a C-? Peter: Read the last line. Greg: [Reading Aloud] "If George Washington never told a lie how come he got so far in politics?"

Snow White and the Seven Bradys [5.3]

Jan: Me play one of the seven dwarfs? Cindy: You liked Mrs. Whitfield, didn't you? Jan: Sure, she was my favorite teacher. She was Marcia's favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom's favorite teacher. Cindy: Boy, she's been teaching since the older days. Jan: You better not say that around Mom. Cindy: Well, will you help me with the play? Jan: Sure. If I can be Dopey. Cindy: Well, you can't be Dopey. Jan: Why not? Cindy: I'm saving that part for someone special. Jan: Who? Cindy: Me. Marcia: Come in. Cindy: Marcia, how about — Marcia: Sure, Cindy. Anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield. Cindy: Oh, thanks! Marcia: Except, I want to play Dopey instead of you. Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey? Marcia: Thin walls. Greg: Come in. Cindy: Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice — Greg: Cindy, you don't have to butter me up. I'd be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield. Cindy: Thanks! Greg: But I want to play Dopey instead of you. Ci

Snow White and the Seven Bradys [5.3]

Brady kids and Sam: [singing] Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! (whistle) Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, we're seven in a row [whistle, Sam stops], heigh ho. Greg/Doc: What'd you stop for, Dopey? Sam/Dopey: Eh, I forgot which way we live, Doc! Jan/Happy, Cindy/Grumpy: We live that way! [point in opposite directions] Marcia/Sleepy: [yawn] Can't we get going? It's time for my nap! I'm sleepy! Peter/Sneezy: Well, I'm catching a cold! [sneezes] Bobby/Bashful: I know which way we live! Greg/Doc: Which way, Bashful? Bobby/Bashful: I'm too bashful to tell you! [laughs] Sam/Dopey: Hey, I remember which way! We follow the yellow brick road! Cindy/Grumpy: That's in "The Wizard Of Oz!" Sam/Dopey: So, don't follow the yellow brick road! Brady kids and Sam: [singing] Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! [march behind the stage]

Peter and the Wolf [5.5]

Peter/"Phil Packer": What's that wild scent you're wearing? Linda: Buttered popcorn!

Marcia Gets Creamed [5.7]

Peter: For no reason at all, right out of left field she fired me. Bobby: What a rotten thing to do to your own brother. Peter: That's what you get when you give small people power. They can't handle it. Marcia: Are you gonna be in there all night? Bobby: Dictator! [leaves] Marcia: You brainwashed Bobby! Peter: No I didn't, I told him the truth. You fired me 'cause you're power-hungry. Marcia: I fired you because you're lazy and you deserved it! Peter: You know what you are? A company stooge! Marcia: What's the use? Peter: Okay, run away from the truth, you Captain Bligh Dictator! Marcia: And you're a capital "G" goof-off!

My Brother's Keeper [5.8]

Alice: The all-American dish for the all-American hero, (everybody cheers) hot Hungarian goulash! Cindy: Since when is Hungarian goulash American? Alice: Since Zsa Zsa Gabor became a citizen.

My Brother's Keeper [5.8]

Bobby: Wanna play a game or something, Alice? Alice: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Bobby, not tonight. I gotta go to bed early, I didn't sleep very well last night. Bobby: Why not? Alice: Well, I stayed up half the night, watching one of those TV horror movies, "The Demon That Devoured Detroit", gave both of us heartburn. [leaves, Greg comes in] Bobby: Wanna watch some TV with me, Greg? Greg: Sorry, I got a date. I'll see you later. Bobby: Hey, where are you going? Marcia: We're gonna spend the night at my friend Helen's house. Bobby: How come? Jan: That wallpaper post made our room smell too icky. Cindy: Have fun. [the girls leave] Bobby: Yeah. Whoopee. Mike: Good night, son. Carol: Don't stay up past your bedtime. Bobby: I might as well go to sleep right now; there's nobody around here to do anything with. Carol: Oh, now, Bobby, Peter's home. Bobby: That's the same thing as being alone.

The Elopement [5.12]

Bobby: How am I doing now? Cindy: It still sounds awful, but you're playing a lot faster. Peter: So it's awful for less time. Bobby: Hardy-har-har.

Kelly's Kids [5.14]

Mrs. Payne: My husband and I have even managed to be cordial to the Shapiros down the street. Ken: Well, congratulations, you've just received the "Neighbor of the Year" award. Mrs. Payne: I consider that remark uncalled for! Ken: If nobody calls for it in 30 days, it's all yours, baby!

Kelly's Kids [5.14]

[Talking about Mrs. Payne] She makes Archie Bunker sound like a liberal!

The Driver's Seat [5.15]

Bobby: I win. Jan: Maybe Bobby cheated. Cindy: Did you cheat? Bobby: No, Jan just got a big mouth and bad eyes. Jan: He didn't really cheat, Cindy. Cindy: Then why did you say that? Jan: It's a debating tactic. I force Bobby into defending himself by accusing him of something. Bobby: I get enough accusing around here from mom and dad. Jan: Hey, you two accuse me of something and I'll defend myself. Bobby: Okay. I accuse you.. of being weird. [leaves the room] Jan: I'm on the debating team at school and I really need practice. Choose a subject and pick a side. Cindy: Okay. I pick Bobby's side, you are weird. [leaves] Jan: Won't anybody around here debate me? [picks up Cindy's Kitty Karry-All doll] You, pick a side.

The Driver's Seat [5.15]

Bobby: Peter, will you be our judge? Peter: For what? Cindy: Bobby and I made a bet on who's the best bike rider. Peter: What did you bet? Bobby: Same thing as Greg and Marcia. The person who comes closer to the stopline without going over wins. Cindy: And the loser has to do the winner's chores for a whole year. Peter: Well, first you better look at something, Bobby. [points to Greg doing ironing] Bobby: Ain't too easy to beat a dumb ol' girl anyway. [leaves] Cindy: Chicken.

Out Of This World [5.16]

Cindy: Hey, did the UFO land yet? Bobby: No, do you see one? Jan: Oh, well we thought that maybe you hid it in your sleeping bags. Peter: Look, if you just came out here to make jokes, you can leave. Bobby: Yeah! Cindy: Oh, we believe in flying objects, Peter. Jan: It's just that flying objects don't believe in us. Peter: [hops up] Listen, if you guys aren't out of here in three seconds, you're both gonna be flying objects! Jan: Ooh, quiver! Cindy: Quake, quake! Peter: Blast off!

Out Of This World [5.16]

Alice: Anybody for more flapjacks? Right off the grill and still flappin'? Cindy: Oh yeah, Alice! Jan: Me too. Greg: No, I gotta get going. Marcia: Same here. Alice: Aren't you gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby's UFO pictures turned out? Greg: No, in their case I think "UFO" means "Undoubtedly Flipped Out". Marcia: Hey Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.

Welcome Aboard [5.17]

Hey Cindy, now you and me won't be the youngest, we'll have somebody to push around.

Welcome Aboard [5.17]

Bobby: [annoyed] Hey, Pete! Pete, you sleeping? Peter: Are you kidding? Who can sleep with that buzz-saw going? Bobby: Yeah, for a little guy, he sure snores big. Peter: Sounds like the MGM Lion. Bobby: How are we going to get any sleep? Peter: I've read once where you can stop people from snoring by rolling them over. Let's try it. Bobby: All right. Bobby: He's heavier than he looks. Oliver: Would you guys be a little bit more quiet? A guy can't get any sleep around here!

The Snooperstar [5.20]

Marcia: Passing through. Jan: Gotta use the bathroom. Peter: You got a door on your side! Marcia: It's stuck! [The girls get into the bathroom] Bobby: Now I know why hermits want to be hermits. Marcia: Passing through. Bobby: What is this, a freeway? Jan: Oh, we just couldn't stand being away from you two beautiful people.

The Snooperstar [5.20]

Peter: Hey, what's in the bag? Cindy: A record album. Bobby: What kind? Cindy: The round kind. Oliver: With a hole in the middle. Bobby: [laughs sarcastically] Very funny. Let's see it. [tries to grab the album from Cindy, but Cindy snatches it back] Peter: What's the big secret? Cindy: You know what the secret is. Oliver: Yeah, and you guys better treat Cindy nice! She's gonna be rich and famous and I'm gonna help her! Peter: What are you two gonna do, rip off a bank? Bobby: Yeah, Bonnie and Clyde! [The older boys laugh] Cindy: [sarcastically] Very funny. Oliver: Yeah! [leaves inside with Cindy]

The Hair-Brained Scheme [5.22]

Greg: Bobby! Bobby, where are you?! Come on out, you can't hide forever! Peter: [Enters the room, while Greg is looking under the bunk bed] Hey Greg, what are you doing down here? Greg: [Emerges] Looking for Bobby, I'm gonna clobber him! Peter: What... [Laughs] Hey, do you know your hair is orange? [Greg fumes] What happened? Greg: Bobby's hair tonic! Peter: You sure could be a stand-out student at graduation! [Laughs] Greg: Very funny. [Leaves the room, goes to the girls' room] Has either of you seen Bobby? Marcia: Greg! What happened to your hair? Greg: Bobby's hair tonic! Jan: Bobby's hair tonic? You mean you actually bought some of that junk? Greg: Only because I felt kinda sorry for him. But now I really feel sorry for him, 'cause he's about to have a fatal accident! Marcia: [Pretends to offer Greg her orange sweater] Greg, do you want to borrow this for your graduation? It will match your hair!

The Hair-Brained Scheme [5.22]

Carol: Now wait a minute, you two, let's not have any bloodshed! Bobby: Yeah, especially my blood! [Greg attempts to lunge at him, Carol tries to keep him apart] Carol: Greg, stop it! Greg: Well, what am I gonna do about my hair?! Carol: Well, I don't know, leave your brother alone, we'll try to figure something out! [Turns to Bobby] I knew something like this was gonna happen, Bobby! Greg: Well, why didn't you tell me?! Carol: Well, here, let me see the bottle. [Takes the bottle] There's an address here! Now look, why don't we call the Neat & Natural Hair Tonic company, maybe this happened to some of their other customers. Bobby: Good thinking, mom! Carol: Yeah, good thinking. Look, I'll try information. Bobby: I'm really sorry, I mean, I didn't know something like this was gonna happen! Greg: Yeah, I guess you couldn't know. Bobby: Of course, it could have been worse! Greg: I'd like to know how! Bobby: It could have turned green! Greg: Thanks, you're real company! Carol: [on the phon