Quotes

Coconuts

Guard: Halt! Who goes there?

King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!

Guard: Pull the other one!

King…

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Bring out your dead

Dead Collector: Bring out jer dead!

Large Man: Here's one.

Dead Collector: Nine pence.

"Dead" Man: I'm not dead.…

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Must be a king

Large Man: Who's that then?

Dead Collector: I dunno. Must be a king.

Large Man: Why?

Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

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A self-perpetuating autocracy

King Arthur: Old woman!

Dennis: Man.

King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

Dennis: I'm 37.…

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The Black Knight

King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir Knight. [The Black Knight looks at him in Silence] I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [The Black Knight doesn't respond as Arthur looks at Patsy and back at the…

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Turned me into a newt

Bedevere: How do you know she is a witch?

Peasant: She looks like one.

Bedevere: Bring her forward!

Girl: I'm not a witch.…

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The quest for the holy grail!

God: Arthur! Arthur! King of the Britons!

God: [In an annoyed tone] Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

King Arthur: Sorry.

God: And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to…

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French taunts

Frenchman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggets! [makes…

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Knights who say Ni

Head Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!

King Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--

Knights who say Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

King Arthur: Oh…

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It's a silly place

Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege! [trumpets blare to a shot of a castle]

King Arthur: [awed] Camelot!

Sir Galahad: Camelot!

Sir Lancelot: Camelot!…

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Holy hand grenade

King Arthur: [Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch] How does it... um... how does it work?

Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.

King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two…

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