Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Guard: Halt! Who goes there? King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England! Guard: Pull the other one! King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. Guard: What? Ridden on a horse? King Arthur: Yes! Guard: You're using coconuts! King Arthur: What? Guard: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together! King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through... Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts? King Arthur: We found them. Guard: Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical! King Arthur: What do you mean? Guard: Well, this is a temperate zone. King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek w

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, CC BY-SA 4.0

Dead Collector: Bring out jer dead! Large Man: Here's one. Dead Collector: Nine pence. "Dead" Man: I'm not dead. Dead Collector: What? Large Man: Nothing. [hands the collector his money] Here's your nine pence. "Dead" Man: I'm not dead! Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead. Large Man: Yes he is. "Dead" Man: I'm not. Dead Collector: He isn't. Large Man: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. "Dead" Man: I'm getting better. Large Man: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment. Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. "Dead" Man: I don't want to go on the cart. Large Man': Oh, don't be such a baby. Dead Collector: I can't take him. "Dead" Man: I feel fine. Large Man: Oh, do me a favor. Dead Collector: I can't. Large Man: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long. "Dead" Man: I think I'll go for a walk. Large Man: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do? "Dead" Man: I feel happy. I feel

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, CC BY-SA 4.0

Large Man: Who's that then? Dead Collector: I dunno. Must be a king. Large Man: Why? Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, CC BY-SA 4.0

King Arthur: Old woman! Dennis: Man. King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? Dennis: I'm 37. King Arthur: What? Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old. King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man". Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis". King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis. Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you? King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked... Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior. King Arthur: Well, I am king. Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever gonna be any progress... Peasant Woman: Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here... Oh! How do you do? King Arthur: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose castle is that? Peasant Woman: King of the who? King A

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, CC BY-SA 4.0

King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir Knight. [The Black Knight looks at him in Silence] I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [The Black Knight doesn't respond as Arthur looks at Patsy and back at the Knight] I seek the finest and the bravest Knights in the land to join Me in my court at Camelot. [Still no response as Arthur looks at Patsy and back at the Knight] You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [The Black Knight remains silent as Arthur looks at Patsy and back at him] You make me sad. So be it. Come Patsy. Black Knight: None shall pass. King Arthur: What? Black Knight: None shall pass! King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you good Sir Knight, But I must cross this bridge. Black Knight: Then you shall die. King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside! Black Knight: I move for no man. King Arthur: So be it! King Arthur: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary. Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch. King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off! Bla

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, CC BY-SA 4.0

Bedevere: How do you know she is a witch? Peasant: She looks like one. Bedevere: Bring her forward! Girl: I'm not a witch. Bedevere: But you are dressed as one... Girl: They dressed me up like this. [Crowd murmurs] Girl: And this isn't my nose. This is a false one. Bedevere: [inspects the nose and confirms] Well? Peasant: Well, we did do the nose. Bedevere: The nose? Peasant: And the hat. She's a witch! Peasant Crowd: Burn her! Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this? Peasant Crowd: No, no, no! [beat] Yes, yes. A bit. But she's got a wart. Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch? Peasant: Well, she turned me into a newt! Bedevere: A newt? Peasant: I got better. Peasant Crowd: Burn her anyway!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, CC BY-SA 4.0