Quotes

Others

[After an aborted one-night stand with a woman] I guess I prefer sausage to taco.

Dialogue

Security Guard 1: Hey Lucy, good to see you again! Security Guard 1: What the hell is her problem? Security Guard 2: She doesn't remember who you are, brah. Security Guard 1: Oh, yeah. I suck at this job!

Dialogue

Ula: Oh, you crazy bitch! Lucy: Yeah, KEEP RUNNING!

Dialogue

Henry: [to Lucy] It's gonna be ok, Luce. Lucy: [to Henry] Don't call me Luce. I barely know you. Marlin: Sweetie, you're sorta dating him. Henry: Yeah. Sorry I'm not better lookin’.

Dialogue

Doug: Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip. [gives Henry a box] Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right. Doug: I love Thpam and Ree-thith, can I have it? Henry: Um, I guess. Marlin: Doug!

Dialogue

Keanu Mokokokakoa: What's wrong with that turtle? Henry: He has lung problems because he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right, Ula? Ula: Wha? I don't smoke weed!

Dialogue

Keanu Mokokokakoa: Hey, Dad. Ula: Not now, Keanu Mokokokakoa. Keanu Mokokokakoa: But your stitches are bleeding. Ula: It musta been my huge back swing. [demonstrates a back swing with his club] Honah Lee, you think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing? Henry: Yeah, I'm lookin’ forward to it. Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something. Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful. Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway? Ula: A shark bit me. Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!

Dialogue

Old Hawaiian Man: That was pathetic. Henry: Yeah? Why don't you choke on your Spam!

Dialogue

Nick: What did Sue say? Henry: She said that if I talk to Lucy you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.

Dialogue

Doug: [hands Henry an ice pack for his head] Dr. Keats: Little Sammy Sosa's a bit shook up, but she'll be okay. She's watching the tape as we speak. Henry: Good. How's my temporal lobe lookin' there, Doc? Dr. Keats: Don't worry. You're not gonna suffer any short term memory loss. But was your head shaped like an egg before she hit ya? Doug: Hey! Don't make fun of Henry, all right? It'th not hith fault hith head'th thaped like that! Dr. Keats: Note the intense overreaction. That's the 'roids talking. Douglas, once again, off the juice. Doug: It'th not juithe! It'th a protein thake!

Dialogue

Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now. Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food? Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country. [pause] Were you gonna eat that?

Dialogue

Henry: Appreciate your time. Not everybody would have stopped like you. You're real sweet. Lucy: Oh, yeah. Thank you. Henry: Okay. Lucy: Okay. Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that! Lucy: Well... my grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car... Henry: Oh...I'm so sorry...I was just joking around. Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT! HA HA!

Dialogue

Red Sox win World Series!... Just kidding. Schwarzenegger elected governor!... Not kidding.

Dialogue

Dr. Keats: Tom lost part of his brain in a hunting accident. His memory only lasts ten seconds. Ten Second Tom: I was in an accident? That's terrible. Dr. Keats: Don't worry, you're totally gonna get over it in about three seconds. Ten Second Tom: Get over it? I mean, what happened? Did I get shot in the brain... Hi. I'm Tom.

Dialogue

Henry: [begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] I don't want it to end like this. Doug: Yeah, well, it's gonna end like thith! Henry: Calm down, little fella! Doug: Okay, I'm calm! Doug: I coulda whooped his ath, Daddy, but this gravel - I thlipped on it and fell. Marlin: Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes. Doug: Cheap shot, Dad.

Dialogue

Henry: I don't think that's an option, Lisa. Linda: Linda. Henry: I know. I changed your name for your protection.

Dialogue

Nick: Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups! Henry: Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-in-One-Punch!

Dialogue

Lucy: Wonder what's the matter with him. Old Hawaiian Man: Looks like a stupid asshole to me.

Dialogue

Keanu Mokokokakoa: Daddy, what's a nympho? Ula: Uh, the nympho is the state bird of Ohio. Kids: Ohhh. Henry: [to Ula] You're the state idiot of Hawaii.

Dialogue

Ula: Really? Even though in like 10, 15 years, she could possibly let herself go and then sex would be like, nauseating for you. Henry: What are you, nuts? Your wife's right over there. Ula: I'm just kidding, Muumuu. Patient #1: [sitting in a wheelchair; about Henry] Do you know who that guy is? Patient #2: Dude, I don't even know who I am! Patient #1: Why, you're Pablo Picasso! Patient #2: Really? Patient #1: [shakes his head and rolls away] No, not really.