Quotes

Yesterday's Jam [1.1]

Standard nerds!

Yesterday's Jam [1.1]

Roy Trenneman: [picking up the phone] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Uh... okay, well, the button on the side, is it glowing? Yeah, you need to turn it on... uh, the button turns it on... yeah, you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes. Maurice Moss: [picking up the phone] Hello, IT...Yaha... Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot? Roy: No, no there you go, no there you go. I just heard it come on... no, no, that's the music you heard when it come on... no, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past? Moss: See the driver hooks a function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory! [chuckle] Hello? Roy: Oh really? Then why don't you come down and make me then. Huh, what you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waitin

Yesterday's Jam [1.1]

Moss: You had a job? Roy: [coyly] Girl on 5th. Moss: Did you hit it off? Roy: Define 'hit it off'. Moss: Did she continue talking to you after you'd fixed her computer? Roy: No. And while I was working, she rested a cup on my back. Moss: No! Roy: Yep! (shows a cup mark on his back) I mean, they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them! Moss: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them. Roy: It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed— Moss: They just toss us away like yesterday's jam. Roy: Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them! Actually, that doesn't work as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages. Hello IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Yesterday's Jam [1.1]

Moss: Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when she saw this original ZX81? Roy: Yeah, that was weird. It's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers. Moss: What?! (Drops mug) Roy: What're you doing?! Moss: Oh, don't worry. That's why I always make two cups of tea. (Picks up another mug) Anyway, what were we talking about? Roy: Her not knowing anything about computers. Moss: WHAT?! (drops mug)

Yesterday's Jam [1.1]

Moss: Chairman Wow! You just defused that entire situation! Jen: What situation? (Sees Roy on the floor) Oh, yeah that. Wow, does that happen often? Moss: They're fairly regular, the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating. Roy: Oh, it's not that bad. Moss: Come on, it's pretty bad.

Calamity Jen [1.2]

TV Advert Narrator: [Voicing an Emergency Services advert] Has this ever happened to you? [The old woman on the advert twists her ankle and falls down stairs, gets up and falls down second flight of stairs before picking up her phone and trying to dial 999] From today, dialing 999 won't get you the Emergency Services, and that's not the only thing that's changing! [upbeat music starts, followed by close-ups and shots of new emergency vehicles and team] Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better-looking drivers mean they're not just the Emergency Services, they're your Emergency Services. So, remember the new number! :[upbeat voice singing to jingle] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short pause] 3! That's [number is repeated in similar style whilst the old woman dials the number and waits] Old Woman: Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble. Moss: [watching the ad] Well that's easy to remember. [singing in a similar style to the advert] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short pause] 3. Roy: [listen

Calamity Jen [1.2]

[holding a fire extingusher that is on fire] I'll put this over here, with the rest, of the fire.

Calamity Jen [1.2]

[dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 [hums the rest of the numbers] 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello? [pauses for thought] I know... [sits down in front of the computer] Subject: Fire. "Dear Sir\Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." No, that's too formal. [repeatedly presses backspace] "Dear Sir\Madam. Fire! Exclamation mark. Fire! Exclamation mark. Help me! Exclamation mark. 123 Clarendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Fifty Fifty [1.3]

Roy: How do you know about this site? Moss: Oh, I'm a member. Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing? Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!

Fifty Fifty [1.3]

Roy: Shut up, do what I tell you, I'm not interested; these are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. P.S. No dogs! Moss: That's good. Roy: What's yours? Moss: Mine doesn't look any good now. Roy: Go on. Moss: I'm going to murder you... You bloody woman! Roy: Might want to play a bit hard to get.

The Red Door [1.4]

Roy: [singing] We don't need no education. Moss: Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.

The Red Door [1.4]

Moss: You've got to help Roy! [Sees Richmond and points at him] Richmond's out of his room, he's not in his room, he's supposed to be in his room, why is he out of his room? Jen: Well, he's going to come out and play with us for a while. Moss: But, the rainforest, and... Jen: What's wrong with you, Moss? Moss: Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk. Jen: [laughs] What, still? Moss: Look, I know that normally this would be very funny, but he's been under there too long for a reasonable explanation! If that woman looks down, she's going to assume he's a desk-rabbit! Jen: What's a desk-rabbit? Moss: I just made that up! But that's probably what they're gonna start to call people like Roy. But Roy's not a desk-rabbit, he's my best friend, and unless you do something, it's just going to be you, me, and Tim Burton over there! [he points at Richmond, who looks offended.]

The Haunting of Bill Crouse [1.5]

Roy: If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers. Jen: Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table? Roy: [sarcastically] No, after! Of course, before! Why would I do it after?

The Haunting of Bill Crouse [1.5]

Roy: While he was eating, did you hear anyone laughing? Like... in the kitchen area? Jen: Yes! Yes I did, actually, yes I did. Roy: That'd be trouser food!

Aunt Irma Visits [1.6]

[picking up] Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and on again?...have you tried sticking it up your arse? [hangs up] Ohh...yeah, yeah. I just realized that was my mother.

Aunt Irma Visits [1.6]

Jen: I've got Aunt Irma visiting. Moss: Oh, do you not like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look confused] Jen: It's my term for my time of the month. Roy: [understanding] Ohhhh. Moss: What time of the month? The weekend? Jen: No. Moss: Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend? Roy: Moss! Jen: You know, it's "high tide". Moss: But we're not on the coast. Roy: Moss! Jen: I'm "closed for maintenance"! Moss: Closed for maintenance? Roy: Moss! Jen: I've fallen to the communists! Moss: Well, they do have some compelling arguments. Roy: [frustrated] Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie! Moss: [finally understanding] Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room; embarrassed.]

Aunt Irma Visits [1.6]

Jen: Okay. Moss, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Moss: Smartie cereal. Jen: Oh my God, I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal. Moss: They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

Aunt Irma Visits [1.6]

Roy: I am a man, he's a man, we're men! Jen: Okay, tell me how you're feeling. Roy: [softly] I feel delicate... and annoyed, and... I think I'm ugly! [crying]

Aunt Irma Visits [1.6]

(on 'Aunt Irma' riots) The rioting has been going on all night. The men involved are young, angry, and almost all of them work with computers. In Tokyo, two games designers went on a rampage in a shopping centre and frightened a dog. In Hamburg, a group of software developers shouted at a bus.

Work Outing [2.1]

Roy Trenneman: "A gay musical", called Gay. That's quite gay. "Gay musical?" Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made. Maurice Moss: It got some pretty good reviews. [Pan to "The Audience Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Echo"; "Not As Long As Some Musicals" - The Banner.] Jen Barber: [reads from the poster] "A story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: includes scenes of graphic homoeroticism." Moss: Oh no! It's set in the 80s! Roy: Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to get them out? Jen: You're not comfortable with your sexuality? Roy: Oh, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.

Work Outing [2.1]

Theatre Manager: He's had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair. Jen: [shocked] Did you see who it was? Roy: Red-bearded man. Jen: Uh-huh... How long have you been disabled? Roy: Ten years? Jen: Ten years, and how did it happen? If that's not a rude question. Roy: ...Acid. Jen: What are the chances? Roy: 100 to one.

Work Outing [2.1]

Theatre Manager: What happened? Roy: [meekly] I'm disabled. Theatre Manager: How? Roy: How what? Theatre Manager: Yeah, how are you disabled? Roy: Uhh, Leg disabled. Theatre Manager: Do you have a wheelchair? Roy: ...Yes. Theatre Manager: Well, where is it? Roy: ...Stolen. Theatre Manager: How did they get in? Roy: [breaks down] I don't know...

Work Outing [2.1]

[sees group of disabled men] What...? Oh, I get it. Very funny, you Irish! [laughs; mockingly] "Oh, I'm a bit tired. Can I have a wheelchair too?" Ha ha, HILARIOUS! "Oh, me legs don't work! Help, help! I need a wheelchair!" [goes over to a disable man; tries to pull him off] Come on, come on, get up. Come on, stop messing around! That a go. [tips wheelchair over; disable man falls off]

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

When I started Reynholm Industries, I had just two things in my possession: a dream and six million pounds. Today I have a business empire the like of which the world has never seen the like of which. I hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world!

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

Moss: Unbelievable! Some brainiac disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on floor Seven are teeming with viruses, plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs, because the lifts are broken again! Jen: [stunned] Oh my God. Roy: What? Jen: Oh my God. Roy: What is it? Jen: Denholm's dead! Moss: [suddenly remembering] Oh yes—and Denholm's dead!

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

Derek Pippen: [talking about Denholm's funeral] You do know we're burying a great man today! Roy: [shocked] Did someone else die?

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

Jen: There's Denholm's wife... Moss: I never know what to say to people at funerals. Roy: Me too. I'm terrible. Jen: Just say you're sorry and move on. [To Denholm's wife] He'll be in our prayers. Roy: [to Denholm's wife] I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

Moss: I'm sorry for your loss. Mrs. Reynholm: Thank you. Moss: It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one. Mrs. Reynholm: No thank you. Moss: Please take it. Mrs. Reynholm: Why are you giving it to me? Moss: I don't know. [hands her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

Where is your God?! Where is your God now?! Here, lies a great man. A great man! FAAAAAATTHHHHEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

Speak, priest!

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

Meet me at the station!

Moss and the German [2.3]

Narrator: You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a baby. You wouldn't shoot a policeman. And then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow. And then steal it again! Downloading films is stealing. If you do it, you will face the consequences. [FBI team member bursts in behind the girl downloading the film and shoots her; cut to a pool of blood on the keyboard] Roy: [sitting with Moss in a dark room] Man, these anti-piracy ads are getting really mean.

Moss and the German [2.3]

Roy: Yeah, I don't like people. Jen: Oh, well now that's not fair Roy. Have you met all of them? Roy: I've met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!

Moss and the German [2.3]

Oh, Jorg, Jorg, such fire! I am too tired for revolution…and we've walked four f*cking miles.

Dinner Party [2.4]

Jen: If this evening is going to work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about memory, or RAM. Moss: Memory is RAM!

Dinner Party [2.4]

Richmond: Have you got any absinthe? Jen: No. Richmond: I only drink absinthe. Jen: Absinthe, no. Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg... Richmond: Oh Carlsberg, perfect.

Dinner Party [2.4]

Roy: Peter, what's your email address? Peter: Oh, it's filepeter@hotmail.com. Roy: "filepeter"? Why "filepeter"? Peter: Well, File is my second name. Roy: Oh, right, I see. Peter File. Moss: Who's a paedophile? Roy: No no, his name is Peter File. Moss: His name is paedophile? Jen: [angry] Don't say it like that. It sounds like "paedophile." Moss: Isn't that what he just said? Jen': No, Peter File. Moss: [enunciating] Paedo phile? Jen: Peter File! Richmond: Who's a paedophile? Jen: No one is. Moss: [finally understanding] Right. It just sounds like paedophile. Jen: No, no, it doesn't! Moss: Does a bit. Peter File. Roy: Peter File... Yeah, no, it does. Peter: [exasperated] YES, I SUPPOSE IT DOES! Jen: I didn't noticed, so... Peter: It doesn't bother you, does it? Jen: No, of course it doesn't. [leans in for a kiss] Moss: They say "pedophile" in America. Maybe you should move to America. Jen: [shouting] He's not moving to America!

Smoke and Mirrors [2.5]

John: I don't think that's true. Jen: With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority that if you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet. So please, no one try it, even for a joke. [the executives laugh] It's not a laughing matter. You can break the Internet.

Smoke and Mirrors [2.5]

Roy: Is this another one of your inventions? Moss: Might be. Roy: What was the last one? Oh yes. A ladder, to help moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?! Moss: How is that not useful? Roy: Moths don't get stuck in baths! Moss: Yes. They. Do! Roy: Even if that were true, it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They have wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of! Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless! Moss: Ah! Well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark "egg on your face"! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.

Men Without Women [2.6]

I like you, Jen. You don't ask questions. A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you. A person's got to have a lot of backbone to allow herself to be ordered around like that. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that in a woman.

Men Without Women [2.6]

Douglas: Oh, not these idiots! Jen: Mr Reynholm, the men in the IT department are my friends, they're not idiots. [Moss and Roy walk in without their trousers]

From Hell [3.1]

Douglas Reynholm: I can't seem to get it open. Roy Trenneman: You want me to open it. That's why you called me all the way up here, to open your laptop? Douglas: I would be beholden to you.

From Hell [3.1]

Well, if someone called me a "big, ugly builder", I'd be furious - and not just because I'm actually an IT consultant. Revenge, that would be uppermost on my mind: "I'm going to wee on everything. I'm going to taint her abode. I'm going to strain my personal potatoes throughout her premises."

From Hell [3.1]

Hell's horses!

From Hell [3.1]

Roy: [Acting as Moss's teenage bullies] Nice glasses! Moss: Not as nice as your momma's glasses!

From Hell [3.1]

[Chasing teenage bullies around the park, with Douglas' grandfather's revolver] I got a gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a flipping gun! I got a motherflipping gun! I got a mother flipping gun! [spins the gun in his hands as he goes back to the bench, sits down and places the gun next to him]

Are We Not Men? [3.2]

Moss: Did you see that ludicrous display last night? Postman: What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early? Moss: The thing about Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in! Postman: Yeah it is true. See you later, Moss Moss: Mind 'ow you go.

Are We Not Men? [3.2]

Just promise me we won't do anything else with them. I want to go back to being weird. I like being weird. Weird is all I've got. That and my sweet style.

Tramps Like Us [3.3]

June: What does IT stand for? Jen Barber: What does it stand for? What doesn't it stand for? June: Yes, yes, but what does it stand for? Jen: It stands for, it stands for commitment. It stands for audacity. It stands for courage in the face of- June: Yes, yes I can see what you're getting at, but the specific letters "IT", what do they stand for? Jen: What do you think they stand for? June: No, no, perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not looking for an interpretation, I really don't know what the letters actually stand for. So, let's start with the I. What does the I stand for? Jen: I... need... to... [nervously laughs] wee wee.

The Speech [3.4]

Jen: What is it? Moss: This, Jen, is the Internet. Jen: What? Moss: That's right. Jen: This is the Internet? [Moss nods.] The whole Internet? Moss: Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech. Jen: It's so small! Moss: That's one of the surprising things about it. Jen: Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything... Moss: [rolling his eyes] It's wireless! Jen: Oh, yes, everything's wireless these days, isn't it? So I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it? Moss: Oh no, people will still be able to go online and everything; it'll still work. Jen: Oh, good. Moss: I tell you: you present this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response. Jen: Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, it's so light. Moss: Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything! Jen: [laughing] No, no, of course it doesn't! Roy: [agitated] Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet? Jen: Moss said I could use it for my speech. Roy: Are yo

Friendface [3.5]

Moss: My mum's on Friendface! My mum! I've opened up another line of communication with her! Roy: Isn't that a good thing? Moss: She's listed her "current mood" as "sensual"! Roy: Why didn't you just not accept her friend request? Moss: What are you, an animal?

Friendface [3.5]

Roy: Oh no, it's all coming back to me now. She used to slap [make-up] on with a trowel. Jen: [applying more lipstick] Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more? Roy: Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.

Calendar Geeks [3.6]

Jen: Why are you doing this? Roy: Same reason I do everything, Jen: to have sex with a lady.

Jen the Fredo [4.1]

Maurice Moss: Does this sound mysterious? Jen Barber: Yeah, yeah it's quite mysterious. Moss: I was hoping for "ruddy mysterious".

Jen the Fredo [4.1]

Jen: Mr Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation. Douglas Reynholm: Now, you hold on a minute, sugar-tits!

Jen the Fredo [4.1]

[regarding a female character in a Dungeons and Dragons game] Look at those fun bags!

The Final Countdown [4.2]

Moss: I did it! I did it! I've been accepted! Roy Trenneman: [in disbelief] No! Jen: What's going on? Moss: I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yes! Jen: Who said yes? What are you talking about? Moss... Moss, you're shaking! Moss: Consonant, please.

The Final Countdown [4.2]

Moss: It actually already is a word, Tnetennba. Jeff Stelling: Good Heavens really? Could you, erm, use it in a sentence for us? Moss: Good morning, that's a nice Tnetennba.

The Final Countdown [4.2]

I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk.

The Final Countdown [4.2]

Harold Tong, aka "Prime": Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the One. Roy: [incredulously] What are you... Prime: Shh! This is the longest word yet on Street Countdown! Unlike normal Countdown, you see— Roy: I don't care. Prime: Negative One? Negative One: Twelve. Moss: Sixteen. Prime: Your word, Negative One. Negative One: Enormousness. Moss: I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke. Prime: This is most irregular... Moss: What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room? Prime: I don't know, what do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room? Moss: Overnumerousness! Prime: Gyles? Gyles: Yes, that is a word! And the joke does make sense!

Something Happened [4.3]

Douglas: Space: what is it? The simple answer is, we don't know. Or at least we didn't know until now. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm, and I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy — no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy — is the founder of Spaceology, a religion, not a cult. In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago. Beth Gaga Shaggy: Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are but wishes. Douglas: I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true. And they've come true because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology c

Something Happened [4.3]

Roy: I'm going to go dance at the front. Jen: Aren't you a bit old for the front? Roy: I'm 32! Teenager: Good for you, mate!

Italian for Beginners [4.4]

Jen: [greeting the Italian guests] Viennetta... Fiat Punto. Roy: There was a fire...at a Sea Parks? Moss: [trapped inside of claw crane toy vending machine] These toys may smell of wee, come the morn.

Bad Boys [4.5]

Oh my gosh! It's a robot! I've never seen one in the wild before. Where did you come from, fella, huh? Where 'd ya come from? Can we keep him, Roy? Only if he doesn't belong to anyone.

Bad Boys [4.5]

Jen: Someone told me I need a browser on my computer. Could you install one, please? Roy: You don't have a browser on your comput- [notices a chiming noise] What is - what is that sound? Is that coming from your laptop? It's not supposed to sound like... [goes round and sees that Jen's laptop is infested with malware] What the- what's all that crap!? [points to one] How long has that been - I haven't seen that one since the nineties! [goes to pick it up] Oh, Jen, I have to fix this. Jen: [grabbing it back] No, no, leave it. I have it how I like it. Roy: "How you like it!?" No no no, Jen, it's infected. If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face.

Bad Boys [4.5]

Moss: What kind of operating system does it use? Police: Err... it's... Vista! Moss: We're going to die! Roy: [quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again? Police: What? Roy: [quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again? Police: ...what? Roy: [agitated] HAVE YOU TRIED...TURNING IT OFF, AND ON AGAIN?! Jen: [shrieks, then turns to the Police] I just won 100 quid.

Bad Boys [4.5]

Balloons explode, Jen. They explode suddenly, and unexpectedly. They are filled with the capacity to give me a little fright, and I find that unbearable.

Reynholm v Reynholm [4.6]

Moss: When I was eleven I broke the patio window and my mother sued me... She's always been a very aggressive litigator. Douglas: Two hundred and twelve million quid? You can't be serious! Solicitor: Oh, we're quite serious, Mr Reynholm. Douglas: But that's enough to bring Reynholm Industries to its knees! Bloody blast, this is up my arse! Solicitor: That is the amount, it is not up for negotiation. Douglas: Balls from hell, you shit-twins! Solicitor: Calm down, Mr. Reynholm. Douglas: Bollocks to be telling me to calm down, my old chap. She wants 220 titty million quid and you tell me to calm down! You're fired. Judge: Mr Reynholm, are you ready to start your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm? Douglas: I am, your honour, but rest assured, it will a normal examination. I am not in any way cross. [To Victoria Reynholm] You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not? Judge: Mr. Reynholm, we have already established that. Might I suggest that you try less to do an impression of a lawyer you once

The Internet is Coming [2013.1]

Moss: [Jen enters room] Oh Jen, exciting news! I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review show! Care to have a look. Jen: [Looking displeased] That was fast. Seems like only yesterday, we had to sit through the last one. Moss: [Incredulously] It was three months ago!

The Internet is Coming [2013.1]

I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.

The Internet is Coming [2013.1]

[points at coffee] Look at that shit! Look at it! I can't - how am I supposed to drink - it looks like he milked a cow over it!

The Internet is Coming [2013.1]

Roy: [Angrily] That fella shouldn't be allowed to be a barista! Jen: Why not? Roy: Because he's too small Jen. He's clearly too small to be a barista! Jen: [Looks at Roy and shakes her head] Roy: What? Jen: You're being a bit of a small-person-racist Roy. Roy: [Shakes head] A small-person-racist? That's not a thing. Douglas: What's your beef with the homeless? Jen: I don't have any homeless beef. Douglas: Ah, so it's women you hate! Well, that I can understand. Roy: Wait, you record our emails and tape our phone calls? Douglas: Alright, dry your eyes Bono. If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear. Jen: I would never throw coffee over a homeless woman. Roy: And I would never abuse a small person. Certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. [beat] Although, I suppose I sort of did. Jen: I sort of did my one too. Roy: It's frustrating that we did both of our things. Douglas: Alright, I was young once. But if this got out it could deeply damage Reynholm Industrie

The Internet is Coming [2013.1]

Douglas: What the hell were you thinking? I told you to keep a low profile and you do it again! Jen: No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm. Douglas: Bum your excuses! Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. We're not News International, for Christ's sake!

The Internet is Coming [2013.1]

Roy: [On going to a funeral] I'm gonna have to look convincingly sad for the majority of the day. She's not going to expect me to cry, is she? Moss: No. Roy: What if she does? I can't cry on cue! What do I do then?! Moss: Do what I do when I need to cry: use a mild pepper-spray solution. Roy: Now that make sense! See, that makes more sense than having to feel something! Roy: [Holds bottle of tear liquid suspiciously] What's in here? Moss: [Shrugs] Just Tabasco, wasabi, and a bit of tear gas. Roy: Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes. Moss: It's extremely mild. It's mainly water. Roy: [Nods and puts it in his jacket] Okay I'll take it, as a last resort. Moss: [Shrugs] As a last resort. Roy: In case I find myself out of my emotional depth. Moss: There you go. Roy: [Begins to walk off] Alright, thanks Moss! Moss: Bye! Roy: Bye. Moss: [Begins to work on something else, then stops] Oh, don't forget to add the water! [But Roy has gone]

The Internet is Coming [2013.1]

Roy: Small people are not a race. This isn't Game of Thrones! Jen: I can't believe she's still with you. Roy: Yeah, I suppose. But I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen! I think I'll just get through it as long as nothing else bad happens. [The phone on Roy's desk starts ringing] There's the phone now... Roy: [casually] Hey baby.. Yeah, of course! Yeah, absolutely. OK. Bye-Bye! Jen: She left you? Roy: She did. Roy: Are you wearing women's slacks? Moss: Yes I am!

The Internet is Coming [2013.1]

Jen: See what we can do when we work together? With my business acumen.. Moss: ..And my scientific know how.. Roy: ..And I'm also here.. Jen: ..We can do anything! All Three: YEAH [Jump in cliche excitement]