Quotes

Other People

Wife: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me! Husband: Yeah, that's right, go comatose for me, baby! Grandma: He was a doll! The wife, though, Eleanor, big dyke. Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule. Chazz's mom: Chazz, there's someone here to see you! And pick up your fucking skateboard! Husband: Hey, I got an idea, why don't you just kiss my left nut!

Dialogue

John: No, don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper. Jeremy: Yeah, well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me. John: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you. Jeremy: Look, John, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry, okay? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a cocksman! John: Tourette's.

Dialogue

Jeremy: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John. I'm fried. John: Soft mattress? Jeremy: Yeah, that could've been it. Could've been the soft mattress, or it could've been the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep. John: Try one of these scones, you're gonna love them. Jeremy: I'm a little too traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.

Dialogue

Jeremy: I don't give a baker's fuck! I just had my own sock duct taped into my mouth last night! John: Whoa, what? Jeremy: Yeah, the, the sock that I wore all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth and then was duct taped over it! John: Well, then let's talk about it. I'm a good listener. Jeremy: I'm not going to discuss this. I felt like Jodie Foster in The Accused last night.

Dialogue

Really? [turns to Jeremy] Sounds sort of wonderful.

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Dear God.

Dialogue

John: No, I got a better idea. Look, I want what you to fake the post and throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good, you know? Get us a moment, you think you can do that? John: [to Claire] Oh, you're going to cover me? Claire: Like white on rice. John: Alright, I like my odds here. John: [to Claire] Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown. Jeremy: [to everyone] Hot route! Red 7, red 7, red 7! John: [to Claire] Look for me in the end zone. I'll be the guy holding the ball. John: What? John: I don't know what Red 7 means! John: I don't--what is hot route?

Dialogue

What?! You're unbelievable. Judas! Rule number 15, you're an idiot.

Dialogue

Alright, it's today. It's not mine, I bought that for a friend. Great, really spectacular. Ya, you know, this and that. Crashing weddings. No, not alone. Chazz. Chazz. Yes, I do. He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together. I know, I...look, I'm--I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found someone. It's good to see you. Ah, I know. Looks like a pig sty. Get out. I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading "don't kill myself" books. Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine, but I glanced at it. Kindly leave! Kindly leave. Oh, I bet it would, hillbilly! White trash! Out. Out.

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And who's going to be there to catch them? Mister Grey. Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, and now who are we this time?

Dialogue

Sack: Trapster, it's Sack. Trapster: Sackmaster! How was the wedding? Sack: Oh, it was boring, you know, but the bachelor party, of course, rocked. We got Heidi a couple of those fucking sluts from the environmental group, remember them? Trapster: No way! Did you tap that again? Sack: Once at my place, then once back in the cab. Trapster: Damn! Sluts! Oh, how's Claire? Still trying to figure out what she's doing with her life? Sack: Claire? She's, you know, whatever, I don't know. She's saving the world one maladjusted kid at a time. But that'll all change when we're married, 'cause I want a wife. I don't want a fucking martyr, right? Trapster: I hear that, my friend. Sack: Hey, man, listen, l-l-l-I got--do you remember that private detective we used to set up that Shearson Lehman prick? Trapster: The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius. Sack: Yes. I need you to get some dirt on these two guys, John and Jeremy Ryan. They're brothers from New Hampshire. They got some sort of NPO

Dialogue

Did you say something, Todd? Todd, where are you going with this?

Dialogue

Jeremy: [making balloon animals] Who else wants something? Boy: I want a bicycle. Jeremy: A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons, and honestly Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now, so why don't we do something like, uh, let's say a giraffe? Boy: I just want a bicycle! Jeremy: Wh-why are you yelling at me? Boy: Whatever, make me a bicycle, clown! Jeremy: I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle. Boy: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it!

Dialogue

Woman: Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal. Shlomo, don't you remember me? John: Oh my God, you didn't hear. I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba diving accident. Yeah, he came up too fast, and the oxygen deprivation...poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother. I'm just some nice guy who helps him out. Woman: You poor thing! John: He actually can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident. So you're here for the Cleary's wedding? Woman: Oh, yes, yes, but I-I have to leave. I-I've got a flight to Madrid, but-- John: Oh, you have to leave? Woman: Yes. John: Oh, okay. Woman: I could hang out for a few minutes. John: Oh, actually, that won't be necessary. Shlomo would now like me to take him to the bathroom, and then get him some crab cakes. So, yeah, no, that's o--[Jeremy does it even more] Okay, okay! Okay, I'm gonna take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom. Woman: You know what? Here is my num

Dialogue

Jeremy: The great 19th century philosopher Schopenhauer, he said, at that moment when a human sees another human in danger, that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness. Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria? Gloria: What? Jeremy: That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone--with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from What's Happening!, the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote Catcher in the Rye, Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird "Al" Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother--we're all one. Gloria: We are?

Dialogue

Randolph: You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man? Jeremy: Jam? L-- Randolph: Listen, man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky. Jeremy: You could not be more wrong about what's happen-- Randolph: Just be gentle with her, okay? She be pushing 90! Jesus Christ.

Dialogue

John: [angry] Perfect! Jeremy: Johnny, wait. Gloria: [getting herself ready] Oh my God, what time is it?! Jeremy: I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I didn't know how and I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'll level with you, I care about her so much. I love her. John: What?! I can't believe you. Judas! Rule number five, you're an idiot. Jeremy: You're wrong about the rule book on this. There was never any rules about this. What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket. Rule number hundred and fifteen, you're an asshole.