Quotes

Episode 1

Ben Stiller: A lot of you might be thinking, 'Why am I making this movie?' Sure, you guys look at me as one of the world's most successful comedy actors … what does that mean? I mean, yeah, I make Along Came Polly, it opens to $32 million, one of the biggest Martin Luther King, Jr. birthday holiday opening weekends ever, goes on to gross 170 million worldwide. Meet the Parents, double that. But what does the money and the success mean in real terms? If I find a little orphan child in a warzone, hiding in a burnt out building. His parents, murdered. Persecuted for his race, his religion. What am I gonna do? Pop on Dodgeball on DVD? Goran: Is funny film. Ben Stiller: Thanks, and I can put on Dodgeball, and he's gonna laugh for an hour and 32 minutes, you know, escape reality for a while, but what happens when the film finishes? Back to reality. Still an orphan. Still living with fear. How do I help him? Put on Dodgeball again? Sure, he's gonna laugh again. He'll see things he didn't see

Episode 1

Ben Stiller: Who are you? Andy: Nobody. Ben Stiller: What's that? Who? Andy: Nobody. Ben Stiller: That's right. Nobody. Yeah. And who am I? Andy: It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember. Ben Stiller: Was that supposed to be funny? Andy: You tell me, you were in it. Stiller: Get off my set. Go on, get off my set. Ben Stiller: Hey, do you know how much Meet the Fockers made in its opening weekend? Andy: No. Ben Stiller: No, you don't do you? [Suddenly points to a random crew member] What do you think? Random Crewmember: I dunno. Ben Stiller: Take a wild guess. Random Crewmember: Twenty million? Ben Stiller: [Smugly, to Andy] Way off. Double it. Add six. Forty-six, three days. Seventy million, five days. Five hundred million worldwide. Number one movie in India, right now. Andy: [Unimpressed] Well done. Bye, nerd. Ben Stiller: [Livid] Oh, I'm a nerd?! Andy: Yes, you are. Ben Stiller: I'm a nerd! I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore! I, uh, I slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!

Episode 2

Andy: Sorry, the reason I'm here is, I want to know what your plan of action is. What's your strategy, what is your business plan? Darren: Well, my plan is, when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 'Cause what I'm no good at, is, you know, breaking an act. Andy: Oh! So, when I'm successful, you can deduct 12.5%, no problem. Darren: 15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really. Andy: [incredulous] Yeah? You just want someone to call up and give me an advert? Darren: That would be amazing. That would be brilliant. Andy: Right, OK. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then. Darren: You joke about it; it was unplugged for two days! No one noticed. Tsk!

Episode 2

Andy: Ah, and what do you recommend, my good man? Caterer: Chicken's the warmest. Andy: Is it? I'll have that then. Caterer: One chicken. Andy: Your heart isn't in this is it? Oh, but one of your pubes is, I notice! Andy: Ooh, straight in there, no fuss. Caterer: That's not a pube, it's a dog hair. Andy: Oh, it's alright everyone! It's not a pube, it's just a dog hair, that's all. I thought it was a pube, but no. Oh, by the way, if you do happen to find any hairs in your food, he just goes straight in there with his sausage fingers.

Episode 3

Andy: Have you talked dirty back to him? Have you? Maggie: No, no, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarrassing. What if I say, like, something and he just laughs at me, or something and he, and it's too much and he gets all offended. Andy: Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Ooh, I'm playing with myself." Kate Winslet: Sounds interesting. Andy: Hi. Not me. Her. Kate Winslet: Go on. Andy: Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him. Kate Winslet: Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Well, why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like, um, "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas." You know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, rattle off the old classics, like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb-ferret," and then go straight in hard, like, "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm

Episode 3

Winslet: My God, I'm not doing it for that. I mean, I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been, you know? We get it. It was grim. Move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar. I've been nominated four times. Never won. The whole world is going, "Why hasn't Winslet won one?" Andy: Def-yeah Winslet: Right, so... That's why I'm doing it. "Schindler's bloody List." "The Pianist." Oscars coming out of their arse.

Episode 4

Les Dennis: Blimey! What a big poof. Andy: [as Genie] Cheeky! Les Dennis: Who are you? Andy: Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be but you can call me Genie. Les Dennis: How does someone as big as you squeeze into this tiny lamp? Andy: Don't worry about it. I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes! Ewwwwgh! No pain, no gain.

Episode 4

Les Dennis: You don't remember. Nobody remembers. That's why I'm in a shitty little panto, where the only people laughing were that bunch of gays. Andy: Nothing wrong with gays. Les Dennis: I know. But they'll laugh at anything. No victory in making a bunch of gays laugh, they laugh at anything. Look at that Graham Norton. Andy: He's alright, i'n' he? Les Dennis: Is he? Is this funny, is it? "Oooh! Look at this website about cocks and fannies. Oooh! Jackie Collins, what lovely tits. Do you like a cock up your arse? Oooh!" Is that funny? Andy: It is quite funny when you do it, but keep it down a little bit, 'cause you're in a pub Les Dennis: What is that? I want to do something more high-brow, Oscar Wilde or something. Andy: Yeah, definitely, he was gay. Les Dennis: I know. But not in the same way. He was clever. Would this have been funny? Him going through customs: "I have nothing to declare but my genius. Ooooh! And this vibratin' tongue for pleasurin' fannies. Oooh!" Is that funny?

Episode 5

Andy: He doesn't think you're a racist. Maggie: He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again. Andy: What, the Rosa Parks incident?? Maggie: It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus. Andy: Sure.

Episode 5

Andy: Well, there is that test I can give you. Maggie: What test? Andy: The racism test they give you when you join the Council to make sure you're not a racist. Maggie: I've never heard of it. Andy: Yeah, do you want to do it? Just ten questions-- You've got to answer totally honestly, okay? Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about... unless you are a racist... Okay, question one: Who would rather see with their shirt off? Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald? Maggie: Brad Pitt, obviously. Andy: Obviously? Maggie: What? Andy: I can't say anything until the end. Right, question two. This is about racial awareness, cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know or care about any black issues. Who is the prime minister of Great Britain? Maggie: Tony Blair. Andy: Correct. Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia? Maggie: [stressed] I don't know... Andy: Ooh, you knew the white one... Okay, um, oh dear... Who is the Queen of England? Maggie: Queen Elizabeth II. Andy: Correct.

Episode 6

Andy: What's your story about, if you don't mind me asking? Patrick Stewart: Well, how best to explain this? You've seen me in X-Men? Andy: Yeah. Patrick Stewart: The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, can control things with the power of his mind; make people do things and see things. So I thought, what if you could do that for real? I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world. Andy: Alright. Patrick Stewart: So, in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind. Andy: Right. That's interesting. Patrick Stewart: For instance, I'm walking along, and I see this beautiful girl, and I think I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off. Andy: All her clothes fall off? Patrick Stewart: Mmm. Yes. And she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything. I've seen it all. Andy: Ok... So, comedy, is it? Patrick Stewart: No. It's about what would happen if these things

Episode 6

You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend... and you've never watched Star Trek? Good Lord...

Episode 1

Keith Chegwin: [as Alfie] My sister buried me today. Andy: Oh, for fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury you?

Episode 1

Keith Chegwin: Back again! 14 years I did here at the BBC. Swap Shop. Cheggers plays pop, all sorts. Still run by Jews and queers is it? Andy: It's what!? Keith Chegwin: This place, still run by your Jews and queers? Andy: I think there are some Jewish people, and some gay people, yeah. Keith Chegwin: [sarcastically] "Gay!" Yeah I forgot, not meant to say queer are you? Suggests something abnormal. What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a bloke's arse? Now put it this way; If god had wanted a cock up an arse, he wouldn't have given us minges. Men have knobs. Women have fannies. Pop knob in fanny. Not up the arse. Andy: Good, I should be making notes. Keith Chegwin: What? Andy: Nothing. It's all good advice.

Episode 2

Andy: I'm an entertainer too. David Bowie: What do you do? Andy: I'm in a sitcom. Maggie: It's called When The Whistle Blows. Have you seen it? David Bowie: I haven't, no, is it any good? Heckler: [off-screen] Na. It's shit.

Episode 3

Daniel Radcliffe: You married? Make-Up Artist: Yeah. Daniel Radcliffe: Don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing.

Episode 3

Darren: The papers don't look good. Andy: Oh what's it say? Darren: "Bully kicks midget in face". Andy: Accurate... Darren: "Pick on someone your own size, fatty". Andy: At least it can't get worse. Darren: Yeah, look at this one; "Suicide bombers get Lotto funding'". Andy: Well what's that got to do with it? Darren: Nothing, it's just shocking though innit, what goes on.

Episode 4

Darren: Calm down, [holds up muffin] muffin? Andy: No. Darren: Have a lovely bit of muffin. Andy: I don't want any. Darren: Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin? Andy: No. Darren: Thank you, [into intercom] Bar? Shaun: [through intercom] Yo? Darren: I'm having the muffin. Shaun: [through intercom] I'll come through. Andy: Why is this an event? Darren: It's exciting. [bites into muffin] Shaun: Alright, Andy? Andy: Alright, Shaun. Darren: Lovely bit of muffin. Shaun: [to muffin] Hello, you. Andy: Why's he eating like that? Darren: Yeah, why are you eating it like that? Shaun: Me hands, been cleaning out the toilets, got no gloves. Andy: You... you shook my hand when you came in. Shaun: Well that's politeness innit? Darren: He's just being polite.

Episode 4

Ronnie Corbett: [to Darren] It's your fault. Darren: Why's it my fault? Ronnie Corbett: They saw your head over the cubicle door. Andy: They saw your head under the cubicle door, so... Security Guard: Well, well, well, the Three Stooges. Andy: Your joke, it was... Security Guard: Shut up. Corbett it's always bloody Corbett. See, I expected it from him, but you,[to Andy] you're the new kid on the block. How'd you fall in with this crowd? Ronnie Corbett: Just a bit of whizz, you know? To blow away the cob-webs. Security Guard: Hand it over. Where'd you get it? Ronnie Corbett: Don't remember. Security Guard: Don't piss me about. Where'd you get it? Ronnie Corbett: Don't remember. Security Guard: Was it Moira Stuart? Ronnie Corbett: I can't say. Security Guard: We don't want you, just give us a name and you can walk free. Ronnie Corbett: You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember. Security Guard: Alright. Here's something you will remember, you're banned from BAFTA, you can never win

Episode 5

Ian McKellen: How do I act so well? ... What I do is I pretend to be the person I'm portraying in the film or play. Andy: Yeah. Ian McKellen: You're confused. It's perfectly simple. Andy: No. Ian McKellen: Case in point, Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard." And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard..." And he said, "Yes, I’m aware of that. What I want you to do is to use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film." So I said, "Okay." And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how would I do that?" And this is what I did: I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard, and then I pretended and acted in that way on the day... And how did I know what to say? [conspiratorially] The words were written down for me in a script. How did I know where to stand? People told me. If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir I

Episode 5

Andy: Moron. Darren: You talking to me? Andy: Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play? Darren: What play? Andy: The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play... it's so gay.

Episode 6

Robert Lindsay: Bit weird isn't it? Andy: Bit presumptuous. Lindsay: No, I mean it's a bit weird she didn't ask me.

Episode 6

Darren: Have you ever driven a taxi for real? Robert De Niro: ...No.

Christmas Special

Maggie: Look, it's Greg in a film! Andy: Oh, come on, we can't watch telly in the day. Maggie: No, wait, I want to see! [the clip plays on, showing Greg dueling with Clive Owen] I love Clive Owen. Andy: [scoffs] Clive. Good name for a film star. Clive... Maggie: [as the clip ends and Jonathan Ross begins interviewing the actors] Greg seems good in it! Andy: [shrugging] Bit part. Ross: I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley-Jones, the two leads in the film... Maggie: He's one of the leads! Andy: In a terrible film. Ross: ...I thought the film was brilliant... Maggie: He thought it was brilliant! Andy: Oh, I can hear!

Christmas Special

Andy: I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense. I want to do something classy! Darren: Celebrity Big Brother have been on the phone. Andy: You're not listening to me! Darren: It's good money. Andy: Not in a million years! What about films? What happened to films? Darren: Okay, now this is interesting, we did have a call -- have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about? Andy: Yeah. Darren: Right, well, they're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good, it's about what it means to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity. They wanted you to go in and do an audition. Andy: Right. Darren: Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive -- Andy: What do you mean, you said no? Darren: Well, they were asking for someone who's sort of thirty-six, handsome, dashing, and I presume they'd have to be taller than you, so I thought that -- Andy: Always do the audition! Darren: But look at you, that's insane! I might as well send Barry! [Shaun/Barry laugh

Christmas Special

George Michael: [approaching the "queer bench" where Andy is sitting with Bunny; throwing away a joint and a kebab wrapper] Hello, Bunny. Bunny: Oh, hi, George. George Michael: [sitting down] Any action? [looks at his watch]: Only got twenty minutes, actually, I'm on my lunch break. Andy: Lunch break? George Michael: Yeah, I'm doing community service. Andy: Oh, are you still doing that? George Michael: Oh, not that one, no, I'm doing another one now. I'm picking up litter now. Andy: Oh, right. What'd you do wrong this time? George Michael: Fly tipping, believe it or not. Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer, and she said, "Shall I call the council?" and I said, "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street." So at two-thirty in the morning, we're tipping it in there, and the fucking police show up. Andy: How'd they get involved, then? George Michael: Well, it was Stewart Copeland's skip, and he called Sting, and Sting called the fucking

Christmas Special

Andy: Trey! Manager: Excuse me! Trey: [beckons Andy over] What are you doing? Andy: What are you doing? You haven't been returning my calls! Trey: Yeah, well, funnily enough, there's not been much my end since you told the BBC to piss off. Andy: Oh, there's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent! Trey: Well, I can't magic things out of thin air. They either want you or they don't. Life's cruel. And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients. Greg: Guilty as charged. Andy: Yeah... what about me? Trey: All right, listen to me, Andy. I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want. Every time you come into my office it's something different. One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist, next day you just want your face in the paper. What do you want? You want to be a world-famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art? Greg: Look -- do you want fame and fort

Christmas Special

Amy: Andy, would you come to my Hello wedding? Andy: To your Hello wedding? Amy: Yeah. [when Andy doesn't answer] Are you all right? Andy: No. [sighs] What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything. "Happiest day of my life. Oh, quick, I'd better do the invites and bake a cake -- and get a press tent. Must have a press tent. It's a wedding." You know, "I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a program with. Oh, and now I'm pregnant! Maybe we should televise the birth, get Ruby Wax to present it. Maybe it'll make Jimmy Carr's Hundred Greatest Caesarians." [to Amy] I'm not having a go at you. I'm just sick of these celebrities, living their life out in the open all the time. Why would you do that? It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab. They call their publicist before they call a taxi! And then they come out and they do their second autobiography. "This one's called Love Me or I'll Kill Myself!" Oh, kill yourself then. [Maggie,