Quotes

Chapter 12 – Mindy St. Claire [1.12]

Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie. I'm from the Good Place, and welcome to your first day in the afterlife. That's not possible. They didn't, but neither did we. A compromise was made: the neighborhood you are in now by yourself. You submitted a list of things you wanted; the Good Place provided those things. We got you your favorite beer. On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung. You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity. Welcome to the Medium Place.

Chapter 16 – Dance Dance Resolution [2.3]

Yo YO! Homies! Check in. 'Cuz there's something messed up about this place. We keep fighting each other. None of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel. My soul mate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but…I think we're in the Bad Place?

Chapter 31 – Jeremy Bearimy [3.4]

Chidi: Okay, but, um...what the hell is this? The dot...over the i? The HELL is THAT? Michael: Okay, um...how do I explain this concisely? THIS....is Tuesdays. And also July. Janet: And sometimes it's never. Michael: That's true. Occasionally, that moment on the Bearimy Timeline is the time moment when nothing never occurs. So...you get it. Chidi: ...THIS BROKE ME. The, UHH...the dot...over the i. That broke me, I'm...I'm DONE.

Chapter 31 – Jeremy Bearimy [3.4]

Eleanor: You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened because now, I can go back to living my life the way I used to: only caring about myself because being good is POINTLESS. Michael: NO, no ah, please, Eleanor- Eleanor: No. Thank you. I'm outie. See you in Hell. Eleanor: You what I just realized? I always say that whenever I leave a room. But now? It's accurate! I will LITERALLY... SEE ALL OF YOU IN HELL. Jason: Not if I see you first!

Chapter 31 – Jeremy Bearimy [3.4]

Drug Dealer: Hey. You wanna talk to God? Chidi: "God is dead. God remains dead and we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?!" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882. Drug Dealer: I was just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird!

Chapter 31 – Jeremy Bearimy [3.4]

Chidi: You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up! You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&M's! You put the Peeps... in the chili pot, it makes it taste... bad... Chidi: Imma eat all this chili. And/or... die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna... put it right down here. C'mon! Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew. Male Student: Professor? I can see that you're going through something. But exams are next week, so can you teach us anything? Chidi: All right... NERD. Y'wanna LEARN somethin', I'll TEACH ya somethin'! I'ma teach ya the meanin' of life! How d'ya like THEM apples? Chidi: Now, over the last twenty five hundred years, Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off... there's Virtue Ethics. Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character like courage or generosity and you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues. Tahani

Chapter 35 – Don't Let the Good Life Pass You By [3.8]

Yeah, I'm pretty excited to relax and have a drink. I mean, saving souls feels great, but Sydney to Budapest to Phoenix to Calgary... I'm so jetlagged, I can't even regrender my chorf. ... Don't even know what I was trying to say.

Chapter 36 – Janet(s) [3.9]

Janet 1: Dudes, why are there so many Janets and why do I sound like Janet? Janet 2: You also look like Janet. Do I...? Why?! What?! What is happening?! [gets a stomachache much like Chidi] Janet 3: [In a British accent like Tahani] Oh , no! Am I...wearing a vest?! Oh! Michael, help me! Michael: This is gonna be tricky. How can we tell them apart? Janet 4: [Points to own breasts in excitement] Michael: [Points to Janet 4] Okay, that one's Jason.

Chapter 36 – Janet(s) [3.9]

Chidi-Janet: This is nuts. We're in a void inside a white lady... Eleanor-Janet: Not a lady. Tahani-Janet: Not a lady, darling. Jason-Janet: Well, we are white. Let's all say white people things! Billy Joel! I found it on Etsy. There was no room to park! Did you refill the Brita!? Tahani-Janet: I find this void quite calming actually. It's like this time the Xanax took me.

Chapter 36 – Janet(s) [3.9]

Janet: [Appears] I told you not to conjure anything! Chidi-Janet: Sorry, I just needed a board to explain... Janet: Not you, him. [pans to Jason-Janet and Pillboi in a damaged hot tub] Jason! What is wrong with you? Jason-Janet: Sorry, Janet. I didn't mean to conjure anything. I was just thinking about the good times I had with Pillboi chilling and hanging out in his broken hot tub. And then, he showed up. Pillboi: Yeah, I was just chilling being nothing, and then I was. Janet: Goodbye, Pillboi. Pillboi: [Jason-Janet is forced to leave as Pillboi and the hot tub disintegrates and fades away]] Aw, dip. I'm not again.......!!

Chapter 36 – Janet(s) [3.9]

Every action by every human on Earth is recorded and then sent here to be assigned a point value based on the absolute moral worth of that action. For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, just decided to have a destination wedding: negative 1,200 points. [More details appear on screen] Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding: negative 4,300. [More details appear on screen] The theme's Lord of the Rings - they're basically doomed.

Chapter 36 – Janet(s) [3.9]

Neil: Ah, here's one. This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before. "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, "hollowed out an eggplant and filled it with hot sauce and nickels." And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. But not in this… [more details appear on screen] oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah. Well, then we zip that over to the relevant departments. In this case, Anastasia in the Stuffed Vegetable Department. We've got Hector over in American Coins, and my dear buddy, Matt, in Weird Sex Things. Matty: I'm still waiting on a response to the request I filed for immediate suicide. Neil: Request denied. [To Michael] I love Matty. He's hilarious.

Chapter 37 - The Book of Dougs [3.11]

Eleanor: Holy forking shirtballs...we're in the Good Place! Tahani: Are we SURE we're in the ACTUAL Good Place? It's rather...carpeted. Jason: Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts. Chidi: What? Eleanor: Don't. Michael: No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath. Eleanor: Whoa! That smells like Typhoon Falls! My favorite water park when I was a kid! Mmm...chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones. Michael: When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest. Chidi: Warm pretzels...or, no, wait...it's the smell of absolute moral truth? Janet: Those two things have very similar smells.

Chapter 37 - The Book of Dougs [3.11]

Chidi: Hey, there, Smashy, before you start grabbin' any other throwin' lamps, you have anything you need to talk about? Eleanor: I can't take this anymore, man! All the running and the hiding and the fighting and this whole insane journey and now all that stands between us and the actual Good Place is one door? What is that, two inches thick? That's like FOUR Oreos! We're FOUR OREOS FROM HEAVEN!! Chidi: I know, I know, I know, it's an insane situation. Chidi: But! I am right here with you. So, let's take a deep breath. Eleanor: Okay. The smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping. Chidi: ...How? Why?

Chapter 37 - The Book of Dougs [3.11]

Tahani: I'm so sorry, darling. This is all my fault. I encouraged Jason to come clean about what we saw. Janet: You saw that, too? Tahani: No. Janet: Jason knows that I love him, it STINKS to hear how the two of you are married, this beige outfit really washes out my not-skin and if I don't remain NEUTRAL in front of Gwendolyn, she's gonna know we've been lying. All of these new emotions I'm feeling are about to burst out of me, which might be super embarrassing! What if they come out my butt?

Chapter 37 - The Book of Dougs [3.11]

Tahani: Michael? How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us? Michael: The Committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg. How much more evidence do they need? The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system. There's no other explanation. Tahani: Can I ask you an unrelated question? Michael: Absolutely not! The fate of all humanity is at stake and time is running out! Michael: Go ahead. Tahani: I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings but everything I do makes it worse. You know them better than anyone else. How do I just make them happy? Michael: How do you make Jason happy? You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer. Tahani: You'd think it'd be that simple. But EVERY TIME I do something nice, it backfires. There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions! It feels like a game you can't win! Michael: ...That's it...there IS anot

Chapter 37 - The Book of Dougs [3.11]

Gwendolyn: I have no choice. I have to turn you in to the Judge. Michael: Don't bother. I already did. The Doorman: Hey, Frogman. The Judge agreed to your terms. She'll meet you at IHOP. The Doorman: So, this is the Good Place, huh? Hmm. The Doorman: Smells like frogs. Cool. Let's go.

Chapter 38 - Chidi Sees The Time-Knife [3.12]

Michael: Now...watch your step. Chidi: Hey, so...yeah, so...I don't wanna go in there. Michael: I get that. Michael: Here's your options. Option Number One... Eleanor: Cruel...but necessary.

Chapter 38 - Chidi Sees The Time-Knife [3.12]

Chidi: I…I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal forming…a single blade. Michael: Yeah, yeah. The Time-Knife. We've all seen it.

Chapter 38 - Chidi Sees The Time-Knife [3.12]

Eleanor: There's this chicken sandwich that, if you eat it, it means you hate gay people! And it's delicious! Judge Gen: It is! It is so good!

Chapter 38 - Chidi Sees The Time-Knife [3.12]

Chidi: This house was built to torture you. Why did you have Michael recreate it exactly? Eleanor: Well, in the memories I watched, this is where we fell in love, so I figured: why mess with success? I mean, BLUEGH, what am I saying, this house is stupid and you're lame and I hate you. Chidi: I love you, too.

Chapter 39 - Pandemonium [3.13]

Tahani: Eleanor? Michael? It is I, Tahani. Eleanor: Yeah, we know, babe. What's wrong? Tahani: I know John. Rather, he knows me. He's a gossip columnist who tortured me on Earth. He made it seem like I was shallow, plagued with jealousy, and prone to fits of MELODRAMA! Eleanor: ...What are you saying? Tahani: Don't you see? The Bad Place DIDN'T pick the worst people! They picked the people who would be the worst for US! Michael: Of course! How did I not anticipate this? Shawn didn't just choose a bunch of serial killers. He chose your tormentors or arch-rivals- Eleanor: Or exes. Eleanor: Those motherforkers.

Chapter 39 - Pandemonium [3.13]

Eleanor: So. The plan is to erase Chidi's memory all the way back to when the air conditioner fell on his head in his original timeline. Michael: The Judge has given us to tomorrow morning until we have to bring in the other two subjects. Tahani. The welcome party will be tomorrow night. Chidi: And the next time you see me, it'll be like I'm a new resident. I...won't know any of you. Jason: So, will you remember that time in Australia when we stayed up late and ate pizza together? Chidi: No, buddy, I won't. Jason: Will you remember when we...ordered the pizza? Chidi: No. Jason: Will you...remember...pizza? Chidi: Will I remember what pizza...is? Chidi: Yeah. I'll still know what pizza is. Jason: Okay, so not a total loss.

Chapter 39 - Pandemonium [3.13]

Eleanor: I don't normally cry at movies…but that one was pretty good. <i>[sniffs]</i> That girl was hot. The guy was, too. Chidi: I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor. Eleanor: Except you won't. That's what's so scary about this whole thing. I'm gonna miss you. You're just gonna think I'm some sexy godlike figure who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her. Chidi: I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are. Eleanor: It's not a joke. I'm a legit snack. Chidi: But I believe in you. <i>[sniffs]</i> I’m not even scared to get rebooted because I know that you'll be here, taking care of me. Eleanor: I wish we had more time together. Chidi: Oh, time means nothing. Jeremy Bearimy, baby. We'll just get through this. And then you and I can chill out in the dot of the I forever.

Chapter 40 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 1) [4.01]

Eleanor: Here is your new home, complete with two of your favorite things: floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and- Chidi: Reading lights! I LOVE reading lights! They are GREAT for reading. Eleanor: And OH! Check this out. Um...hold out your hand... Eleanor: ...and think about a book. Chidi: I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer; this is LITERALLY my number one dream! Also: Ow! That hurt.

Chapter 40 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 1) [4.01]

Eleanor: Brent? Come on in. Eleanor: So you, Brent Norwalk, are dead. Brent: Really? Well, that blows. Ah, yanno what, maybe it's a good thing, actually. Some journalist was poking around, calling all these ladies who used to work for me. You can't even make a joke these days. Everything's so PC. And I was an equal opportunity offender, okay? I made jokes about EVERYBODY. And, by the way, I'm the furthest thing from racist. My DENTIST was a black woman. I just think people need to loosen up. So where am I, exactly? Michael: ...The Good Place. Brent: Oh, cool. Good.

Chapter 40 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 1) [4.01]

Simone: Eleanor! Look what my brain did! It's not real, and neither are you. [Sing-song] I'm in a coooomaaaa~ and none of this is real. Eleanor: Okay, I know this is bad and we need a new approach, BUT. She is wearing the HELL outta those foam fingers.

Chapter 40 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 1) [4.01]

Michael: Linda? How are you enjoying the Good Place? Linda: It's good. Michael: Everyone's flying. You don't wanna go flying...any higher? Linda: No thanks. Michael: Well, okay. It says in your file that you liked knitting. Would you like to do some knitting right now? Linda: No thanks. Michael: Is there another activity you'd like to do now? You also enjoyed...listening to birds? Man, Linda. You don't even look at them? Eleanor: Let's go hear some birds, whaddya say? Linda: I'm gonna get another peppermint. Michael: No- Eleanor: Come on, Linds. You can have literally ANYTHING you could po- Michael: ...WHAT THE- Eleanor: Okay. So...maybe she's less boring than I thought.

Chapter 40 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 1) [4.01]

Shawn, I don't have time for this. I just started "Deadwood" finally and I need my daily dose of Timothy Olyphant, so I'm gonna make this short: If you so much as BREATHE on this experiment again, I will restart the ENTIRE THING from scratch and then, I will personally rip off your eyelids and make you watch heartwarming videos of soldiers coming home to their dogs.

Chapter 41 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 2) [4.02]

Jason: Hey, hey, Mikey, can I-can I ask you something? I feel bad for making Janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable, so...here's my idea to make it up to her: me and a hundred Janet-Babies do a giant flash mob, just total unpredictable chaos all around her. Great idea, right? Michael: Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason. Jason: Mmm-hmm? Michael: Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the neighborhood where if I say your name five times, my headache goes away. Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original neighborhood? Jason: Does it have to do with the TV show "Monk"? Michael: No. It's because you have no control over your own impulses. You think every problem can be solved with a Molotov cocktail or slashing somebody's tires or plunging Derek. So being a monk was torture for you. The only way for you to repair your relationship with Janet is to give her some space. Show her you can control your impulses. Jason: So you're saying wanting to do something isn't a good re

Chapter 41 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 2) [4.02]

Brent: Michael! Eleanor! Eleanor: Brent, I'm so sorry, we don't know why all this is happening. Brent: Well, I do. This chaos is clearly all about me. This is the universe telling me that I don't belong here. Michael: Brent, what do you mean? Brent: I don't belong in the Good Place. I mean, obviously there's a place better than this. I belong THERE. In the Best Place. Michael: Walk me through this, Brent, I'm not sure we follow. Brent: Well, I've been feeling this way for a while now. I mean, this can't be all the afterlife has to offer. Not to the cream of the crop. I mean, if this is Heaven, then where are my guys? Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine? Where's White Guillermo? And where is Mexican William? And what about Squirt Man? Eleanor: He makes a good point. You know, what ABOUT Squirt Man? Brent: Also, frankly, my assistant Janet is a little uptight. I mean, she hasn't worn ANY of my gifts. Michael: Have you been asking Janet to make herself clothes that you...give BACK t

Chapter 41 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 2) [4.02]

Jason: Oh, hey, Eleanor, we were just talking about maybe you shouldn't be team leader. [whispers to Tahani] Saved it. Eleanor: Go 'head, guys. Speak your mind. Janet: It isn't personal, Eleanor. When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success. After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.1%. So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you ARE kinda pooching it. Eleanor: Very helpful feedback. Eleanor: And if I could give you some feedback...uhhh, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ashfaces who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box! Michael: Which curses were those? Eleanor: I didn't ask for this! I'm only doing it because Michael, who is SUPPOSED to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started! BUT! Maybe you CAN do it better than me. TAHANI can be in charge since she's so smart. Or better yet: JASON! Maybe ALL OF HUMANITY can be saved with one good, old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival! Jason: I mean, we could try. All I ne

Chapter 41 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 2) [4.02]

Janet: Hi, Jason. Jason: Janet! I'm so happy to see you. I got you a box of chocolates, but then I remembered you can't eat, so I ate them! And I thought it would be a nice present to describe them to you. So...the first one was gross- Janet: Jason, um, please just let me talk. You know that I've been overwhelmed with work since the neighborhood started. Jason: Yep! Janet: And I asked you to give me some space. Jason: Yep! Janet: I'm so sorry to say this... [Janet and Jason take a seat.] ...but I CAN'T be in a relationship with you right now. Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment. Jason: It won't, though. Janet: Jason, it already has. So, why don't we just take a break until it's all finished. Janet: Also, I hate to pile on, but I think you have a right to know: The Jacksonville Jaguars cut Blake Bortles. He's not on the team anymore. I am genuinely sorry.

Chapter 41 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 2) [4.02]

Chidi: Hi, Simone. Uh, Chidi. From the other night? Simone: Ohh! Wow! My brain must really like keeping you around. Have a fake seat and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist! Chidi: Right, um...so, if-if I understand your state of mind, it's basically Solipsism. You think you're the only real thing in the universe and everything else stems from your consciousness. Simone: Yes, but to be fair, I only think that because it's true and I'm right. Chidi: No offense, but Solipsism, as a philosophy, is pretty juvenile, ESPECIALLY for a person with multiple advanced degrees. And it's also impossible to refute because everything you see is confirmed by your belief. However... Simone: [scoffs] Dude... Chidi: What? I mean, if none of this is real, then it really shouldn't matter, right? In fact... Simone: [scoffs] Dude! Chidi: Whaaaaaat? IT'S NOT REAL. NONE OF THIS MATTERS. Leave that on your nose for the rest of time. Simone: Fine. Point sort of taken. Chidi: You know, in a larger sense, if you go a

Chapter 42 - Chillaxing [4.03]

Michael: Never seen Chidi like that. He was chillaxing. Which is a word I just invented combining "Chidi" and "relaxing". Eleanor: Yeah, I guess once you have the burden of saving humanity removed from your brain, life is dandy. Must be nice, Chidi. Michael: That's what's missing. Chidi isn't being tortured. As far as he's concerned, he did everything right on Earth, so now he just gets to enjoy himself. If we don't force Chidi into stressful decision-making, he won't even have a chance to become a better person! Eleanor: Right! You wanna make a pearl, you gotta get some sand in your clam! Michael: Oyster. We need Chidi to live in a world of low-grade dread. Eleanor: I've got this. I have a TON of experience making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable. First up: we fill his acoustic guitar with wet cat food. Eleanor: Judge me all you want. I get results.

Chapter 42 - Chillaxing [4.03]

Jason: Dude! Thanks to you, my dream came true! I have a shiny new budhole! You okay, homey? Chidi: NO! I've had a stomachache for a week, there have been WAY too many close calls! Please, I beg you: no more meatball subs. No more drawing boobs in the dirt. I cannot lie to cover for you, PLEASE REMEMBER you're supposed to be a MONK. Chidi: 'AAAAAAAAAY Eleanor and Michael are here, what a fun surprise! Michael: You've done some redecorating! Chidi: Uh, YES, my apartment was decorated in one way and now it has been...RE-decorated. Eleanor: And how is Jianyu? Chidi: I mean, you know how monks are. Calm. Peaceful. Never, you know...shotgunning Cheez Whiz. What monk would do that NO MONK. Anyway...I see you guys are still here! Michael: We're just dropping by to ask a favor. Can you accompany Jianyu to the luau tonight? He still isn't really engaging with the neighborhood, we were hoping you could help him break out of his shell. Chidi: ...Actually, I don't think I can make it. Eleanor: Oh!

Chapter 42 - Chillaxing [4.03]

Michael: So...Chidi's set with Jason now. How are you doing? Eleanor: A little better. But still terrible. Michael: You were torturing him because that's what we had to do. Eleanor: I know. I went too far. And what's worse: I LIKED it....because I'm angry at him...for leaving me...which isn't even REMOTELY fair because he sacrificed himself for us, but I'm still angry he abandoned me. Which makes me feel guilty which makes me angry WHICH MAKES ME wanna talk to Chidi because he's the person I go to when I'm angry. So...it's a real fun cycle. Michael: I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad, angry when you should be happy and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but...it's-it's insane. The point is: in THIS case, even if it's not rational, you're ALLOWED to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it, work your way thorugh it, and then get your shirt together because we have

Chapter 43 - Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy [4.04]

Michael: Whoever you are, show yourself. Hooded Individual: Oh....hold on, the hood is caught in my glasses. Glenn: Hi. I'm Glenn from the Bad Place. Michael: What are you doing here? Eleanor: Yeah, what do you want, creep? Glenn: No one knows I'm here, and I have some important information. Eleanor, I need to speak with you alone. Eleanor: Whatever you need to say to me, you can say right here. Glenn: I don't think I should. It would lead to a very uncomfortable social situation. Eleanor: SAY IT. Glenn: ...That's not Michael. That's Vicky the demon in a Michael suit and she's sabotaging your experiment. Glenn: You see? It's-it's uncomfortable.

Chapter 43 - Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy [4.04]

Eleanor: Get in there. Eleanor: What IS all this stuff? Are these weapons? Derek: Oooh, don't touch those, ha ha! Those are my special magnet handcuffs. They make me feel silly when Mindy and I are playing Upstairs-Downstairs Derek. Eleanor: Oooh, they're sex toys! Eleanor: OH THEY'RE SEX TOYS Jason: Dude, get out of here, we have enough problems. Derek: My good man, allow me to bury the hatchet. Being rebooted again has evolved me past any feelings of jealousy. Derek: Ho-HO, I know THAT sound. Looks like someone found my sex diaper. Derek: I'll leave you guys alone to live that dipe life!

Chapter 43 - Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy [4.04]

Eleanor: Okay, here's where I'm at: I just don't know if I can ever trust you. I'm gonna call the Judge, we'll start over. We won't have Chidi in the mix, but he'll be on our side again, which is almost as good. Tahani: But we know the humans now. Starting over sounds exhausting! Eleanor: I know, but if that's not Michael, he could sabotage us in ways we can't even perceive, and even if it is, I can't fully trust him, so every time something goes wrong, a little part of me is gonna wonder. We have to start over. Michael: I have a better idea: I'm gonna blow myself up. Eleanor and Tahani: WHAT? Michael: I'll blow myself up. That way, you can continue the experiment with Chidi as one of the people, which is our best chance to ever be successful. Eleanor: Why not just lock you in a room or in Janet's void or something? Michael: But then you might worry that I'd escape. I blow myself up, I'm out of your hair for good. Well...parts of me will be in your ACTUAL hair, but you get it. Tahani:

Chapter 44 - Employee of the Bearimy [4.05]

Jason: Hey, Mikey, I have a question about our plan to save Janet. Is there it yet? Michael: I do have a plan, yes. But to be honest, I have no idea if it will work. Jason: Maybe Glenn could help. Yo, Glenn, how should we rescue Janet? Jason: He doesn't know. Michael: Listen, Jason, old friend, I already gave Eleanor and Tahani all their afterlife memories back. I haven't restored yours...f-for obvious reasons. But I think to maximize our chances of survival, it's time that you remember everything we've been through. Now prepare yourself. This might be intense. Jason: Oooooooooooooooooh <B>DIIIIIIIIIIIIP</B>- Michael: Do you remember everything? Jason: YES. Last time I was in the Bad Place, I threw a Molotov cocktail! That was sick. Michael: I was afraid that you'd watch 300 years of memories and that would be your takeaway. Buddy, I did that to help you know what NOT to do. Impulse control is critical. Fight the urge to blow stuff up, even if you feel like we're in a jam. Got it? Jaso

Chapter 44 - Employee of the Bearimy [4.05]

Shawn: All right, idiots. This is Hour 52 of the 4,000-hour presentation on the future of torture. Jason: He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours? Michael: Shh. Jason: Here's what I think: we should throw a Molotov- Michael: Jason! Jason: What? I didn't say "cocktail"! I could have meant "Molotov anything", you don't know.

Chapter 44 - Employee of the Bearimy [4.05]

Eleanor: Dude, what were you thinking? Tahani: I just wanted to be useful! All I ever get to do here is throw parties, which is all I ever got to do back on Earth and now I've ruined everything. Eleanor: No. You gave us a way out. Tahani: So I FIXED everything! Eleanor: No, you made things difficult in a new way, but I can make it work. Tahani: Well, the important thing is: I did something. Eleanor: Be quiet and follow my lead. Tahani: Yes, ma'am.

Chapter 44 - Employee of the Bearimy [4.05]

Janet: That oughta stop them from following us. Michael: So smart. Nice to have you back, Janet. Janet: It must have been hard for you...to go back there. Michael: It was. I don't like thinking about who I used to be. Jason: Listen, Michael, it's okay to feel or plead guilty about bad things you used to do, but you don't have to feel shame about who you were because you're not a demon anymore. You're just like a nice, weird, happy old dude. Michael: Huh. Heh. Janet: Thanks for rescuing me. I missed you so much. Jason: I missed you, too. Bad Janet was so mean to me. She told me so many lies, like, she said the Jags cut Blake Bortles. Can you believe that? Janet: Oh no...Jason, that wasn't a lie. Blake Bortles WAS cut by the Jaguars. Jason: WHAT? How, WHY!? Wh...who's their QB now? Janet: A man named Nick Foles. Jason: NICK FOLES? Are you KIDDING ME!? Jason: He won a SUPER BOWL! We're gonna be UNSTOPPABLE! FOOOOOOOOOOOOLES! Janet: Fooooooooooooles! Michael: Fooooooooooooles! Janet: Oh no

Chapter 45 - A Chip Driver Mystery [4.06]

Bad Janet: Is that your story? Looks boring. Michael: This book is a PART of the story. You'll see. Michael: It all started...about a week ago. We had sent the four humans on a ski trip- Bad Janet: And they all skied off a cliff and they broke all their bones and their pants fell down and you could see their butts. The end. Michael: Actually...it went better than we could have possibly hoped.

Chapter 45 - A Chip Driver Mystery [4.06]

Eleanor: And now...[drumroll] Michael: Oh-ho-ho! Eleanor: ...the moment you've all been waiting for. The Humanity Savior of the Week goes to...Jason! Tahani: Aww. Jason: Yes! Eleanor: Keep up the amazing work with Chidi. AND! The award for Hottest Savior of the Week goes to... Eleanor: Eleanor Shellstrop! [pulls out a photo of herself.] Eleanor: Thank you, I accept. Michael: I never win Hottest... Eleanor: I don't know what to tell you, man. Maybe do some squats? Pop that booty a little bit? Michael (Narrating): It was a real high point. Michael: The ski trip, I mean, not the completely rigged hotness contest. All in all, it was the best we'd ever felt about the experiment. And then Brent did something...very Brentian. Bad Janet: [Sarcastically] Who could have predicted that?

Chapter 45 - A Chip Driver Mystery [4.06]

Jason: What's wrong, homie? Chidi: Brent wrote this book and clearly, he put some of us in it. There's a cowardly character named Four-Eyed Igby who "wears glasses and sweater vests and never does anything spontaneous or cool". I am educating you in ethics. What could be cooler than that? Jason: If you want to try something spontaneous, I'm your guy. Almost everything I did on Earth, I did without thinking or worrying about what would happen. That's how I got my nickname: The Defendant. Chidi: Not the best argument, but you're-you're right. What is something spontaneous that I can do right now? Let's come up with a list of ten possibilities and then slowly whittle it down over the next four days. Jason: Better idea: let's dance, baby! Chidi: Hmm? Jason: Get you out of your head! This is how we defeat Igby, the no-fun nerd! Chidi: ...Yeah. Look at ol' Igby MOVE! Jason: There you go! Chidi: Yeah, I've never heard this before, who is it? Jason: Me! I wrote it. The song is called, "I'll Lo

Chapter 46 - Help Is Other People [4.07]

Eleanor: As you reach the end of your first year in the afterlife, what do you remember most? The everlasting friendships you made? The adversity you overcame together? The day everything was chocolate? Jason: That day was awesome! I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. It was all chocolate! Michael: Shh shh shh... Eleanor (in video): You only have a few hours left in your first year, so why not do as many amazing good deeds for other people as you possibly can by midnight, just in case? Eleanor: I know, I know, all right? I'll take it out. I'm a little tired, okay? Lay off.

Chapter 46 - Help Is Other People [4.07]

Eleanor: So crazy that we're at the end of this thing and we have no idea how we did. Janet, any chance you could get a look inside that obelisk? Check that magic scoreboard? Janet: There IS a chance, yes. About 1 in 970 trillion. Let's give her a whirl. Janet: It did not work. I'll be right back.

Chapter 46 - Help Is Other People [4.07]

Simone: I've been suspicious about this place since day one. Over the last few months, I've been collecting data, and now I am positive, something is truly forked up. Chidi: You didn't tell me about any of this, muffin. John: Okay, you call her muffin? I'm getting a lot of breaking news at once here. Simone: I was gathering evidence. I didn't wanna compromise the integrity of the data collection. Chidi: Oh, so romantic. Simone: Here's what I know: Eleanor and Michael are up to something, and it's focused on us. I mean, there are, like, 300 people in the neighborhood, and somehow, they just spend all of their time talking to the six people in this room. John: Well, I mean, who else are they gonna talk to? "Dumb Shorts" Cathy? Chidi: What is your problem with her? John: I mean, shorts? "Cathy"? John: What ISN'T my problem with her? Simone: ...Jianyu? Are you okay, you look sweaty. Tahani: Oh no, he's fine. He always sweats when he's meditating. He calls it "sweat-itating". Tahani: No, I

Chapter 46 - Help Is Other People [4.07]

Eleanor: Guys, we are so sorry about your ordeal. We just have a few questions for you, uh, where are John and Simone? We can't find them. Chidi: They...left. I don't know where they went. Brent: Typical. Disloyal jerks. Chidi: You know, man, actually...they REALLY tried with you and you made it very hard to be your friend. Brent: You wanna know what happened? They got jealous because I'm going to the Best Place. They bugged out. Chidi: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE BEST PLACE! Don't you get it? They're torturing you. They're torturing ALL OF US! Chidi: Because this is the BAD Place. Eleanor: Awww, MAN! I can't believe you figured it out! Brent: Wait...he's RIGHT? This is the BAD Place? Eleanor: Yeeeah...dammit, he's right... Michael: Yeah, we had a good run, though, didn't we? Eleanor: Yeah, we did. Brent: So...no Best Place? Eleanor: [mockingly] "OH SO NO BEST PLACE?" Michael: Oh, Brent, you big white oaf. Never change, bud. [chuckles] Eleanor: Well, I guess we should let them know you guy

Chapter 47 - The Funeral to End All Funerals [4.08]

Tahani: Regardless of what the Judge rules, this feels like some sort of good-bye. Eleanor: Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee she'll keep us together. She might just snap her fingers and send us flying into different dimensions. How was that? Did I cheer everyone up? Jason: Aw, man, are we gonna die again? We've died so many times. We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now. It's getting annoying. Janet: If it would cheer you up, I could tell you what happened at your original funerals. Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that- Tahani: Uh, please stop. I don't want to hear it. Jason: What about mine? Janet: Your friends didn't say things about you so much as they graffitied a Red Lobster about you. Jason: Yeah, in Jacksonville, that's the first stage of grief. Eleanor: In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, or they can put your body out on a shooting range and you get a $200 state tax credit. Tahani: Hang on. THIS is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling.

Chapter 47 - The Funeral to End All Funerals [4.08]

Eleanor: We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil, in the place she felt most comfortable: the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet. Jason: Tahani was super nice, and she deserved for people to be nicer to her than they were. The only sad thing is that she never got over her speech impediment. Eleanor: Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful"...and "You don't buy bras at Home Depot"...and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot, what the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch. Eleanor: She was the best friend I ever had and I loved her. Tahani: Oh, thank you so much, that was wonderful! Jason: I wish Chidi was here. It sucks that he's too dead for these Heaven funerals. Eleanor: Can someone grab his arm? My hands are kind of full with his butt. Jason: How'd he get so jacked? Eleanor: When he was 14, someone told h

Chapter 47 - The Funeral to End All Funerals [4.08]

Tahani: Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life. He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten to having a piñata on his birthday was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded. Tahani: But despite it all, he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met. Janet: Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings. I hadn't had any yet, but it made me want to go get some. I could see something special inside him that no one else could see: it was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum. Janet: That's my Jason: a big, colorful, rainbow blob stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure. Eleanor: Plus, I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy... Eleanor: ...so I could talk about what really mattered in life: wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham. Jason: Statham forever! Eleanor: Indeed. Statham forever. Amen. Tahani: Amen.

Chapter 47 - The Funeral to End All Funerals [4.08]

Michael: Look! RIGHT THERE. After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly. Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name that sent 213 women to college. Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, and that little girl actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication. Heh...yikes. Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't? Shawn: Need I remind you that Brent got worse with EVERY second of EVERY moment of EVERY DAY. Judge Gen: Until right at the end...with ten seconds left, he swung WAY up. Michael: This is it, Your Honor. This is the whole story: NO ONE is beyond rehabilitation. Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being and the points total tells you that, but what that number CAN'T tell you...is who he could've become <i>tomorrow.</I> Judge Gen: ...I'll have my ruling shortly.

Chapter 47 - The Funeral to End All Funerals [4.08]

Tahani: I stand here before you, in sweatpants for the first time ever, to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place where she spent much of her life: a bar in a house she was not invited to. Tahani: Eleanor was full of surprises. I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, and also vaguely problematic. Eleanor: Well... Tahani: But whether she was lifting me up or calling me out...I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me. Jason: Eleanor, I know you don't like it when people get all emotional about you, so I channeled all of my love for you into this song. Jason: That's when the foam cannons go pshh! Explode outward! And then back to the song. Eleanor: OKAY OKAY WE'RE GOOD. Thank you...

Chapter 47 - The Funeral to End All Funerals [4.08]

Judge Gen: Michael...you came to me and said the points system was flawed. A system...that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the Earth. And I have come to the conclusion...that you're right. Michael: ...I'm- Judge Gen: You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won. Michael: [choking up]...Mmm-hmm... Michael: Well...that wasn't so hard, now was it? Jason: WE DID IT! Judge Gen: The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled. Eleanor: ...buuuuhhh Earth is WHAT, now? Judge Gen: All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal"...beca

Chapter 48 - The Answer [4.09]

Eleanor: What are you waiting for? Do it! Michael: It's not that easy. He lived a whole life, and then 802 afterlives, and a second life, then a second afterlife, and then a third "first" afterlife, h-his psyche's like a giant bowl of M&M Peep Chili. I gotta make sure all the memories go in the right place in the right order. Maybe I just start him at the beginning, a full factory reset. Eleanor: Man...Janet, can I please have a drink with a lot of alcohol in it? Jason: Here, I saved this from my funeral. It's called a Duval Ditchwater. It's Midori, Coffee-Mate, and ditch water. Janet: I'll get you a margarita. Eleanor: Yeah, that sounds better. Jason: It's not! Seriously, try this.

Chapter 48 - The Answer [4.09]

Young Uzo: It WORKED? Young Chidi: Perfectly. They're HAPPY again, Uzo. They're even talking about getting me a puppy! But more importantly, I proved once and for all that you can always find the answer. Young Uzo: The answer to what? Young Chidi: To anything! Every problem has an answer. If you just read enough books and think hard enough, you can figure out the answer to any question. Young Uzo: I know you're really smart, but that sounds wrong. Teacher: Children? Please take your seats. Young Chidi: Here's a perfect example: where to sit? What's the answer? Obviously, we want to be back by the pencil sharpener, but in the front I can see the blackboard better... Young Chidi: …Or by the door to get a nice breeze. Teacher: Chidi... Young Chidi: Just hang on. Sorry....ooooooooh no...

Chapter 48 - The Answer [4.09]

Chidi: So? What do you think? Radja: I think it's 3,600 pages. I have a JOB, Chidi. I have A FAMILY. Until I had to read this, I had a WILL TO LIVE. This work is an insane, tangled web of inscrutability. Chidi: In the fun, "grad students will analyze this for centuries" way? Radja: No, in the Unabomber way. Chidi: Okay...well, um...I'll write my way out of the maze. I'll re-outline the middle chapters, do more research- Radja: NO, Chidi. You can't answer every question every philosopher has ever asked, so...what in these pages do you care about? Chidi: All of it. Equally. Radja: Shut up. Chidi: ...But- Radja: Shut up, shut up. Chidi: Should I- Radja: Shut up! SHUT. UP. Radja: The greatest works of modern philosophy are <i>emotional</i>. They make an argument about how the world is and OUGHT to be. There is a great mind at work in here, but where is the heart? Where are the GUTS? Chidi: I understand. I do. So, I'm going to go home and...compose a short paper for you. Chidi: Arguing that

Chapter 48 - The Answer [4.09]

Chidi: Janet? Janet: Hi there. Chidi: Hi. Uh, can I have, uh, a pen and some paper? Chidi: [as he writes] I don't know if I'll see you again, or what I'll remember if I do, but...if we do cross paths again... [tears page out and gives to Janet] ...sometime, somewhere...can you get this back to me? Janet: Of course. Chidi: I'm ready.

Chapter 48 - The Answer [4.09]

Chidi: Hey, uh, Janet? Can I have my note, please? Janet: If you know that you wrote a note, then...you know what it says. Chidi: I do, uh, but I-I'd still like to see it again. Please. I think it might be some of the best writing I've ever done.

Chapter 49 - You've Changed, Man [4.10]

Judge Gen: UGH. All Janet voids are nothing, but Neutral Janet voids are, like...the MOST nothing. Janet: Judge, please, please don't cancel Earth. Judge Gen: Why not? The system's broken, you guys proved it. I just want to reboot the whole thing and go back to my chambers. I am on Season Three of "Justified," and can I just tell you...it is...SO GOOD. I, like, binged all of Season Two in a day. Janet: Think of all the amazing human achievement you'd be eliminating, UUUH, the works of William Shakespeare. The Pyramids. Timothy Olyphant. Judge Gen: OOH. That one stings. There's, like, 50 gallons of man in a 10-gallon hat. I'm like OoOoOoH! Judge Gen: LOOK. I'm the freaking Judge and I made a freaking ruling and it's gonna freaking happen as soon as I find the freaking clicker thing. Judge Gen: All right, what do I search for? Humanity eraser button garage door opener thingy judge. Judge Gen: UUUUGHH! Judge Gen: Well, it wasn't in you. Any last words? Neutral Janet: These are my last wor

Chapter 49 - You've Changed, Man [4.10]

Tahani: So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture. Shawn: I have to admit, this...DOES make sense...and I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell, I'm in. Michael: Really? Shawn: NO. [laughs] You ACTUALLY believed me? Eleanor: DUDE, in 20 minutes, ALL of humanity is going to be erased forever. Shawn: And? Chidi: The Bad Place will get emptied out, too. You will have no one to torture for billions of years. Everyone LOSES. Shawn: Oh, I know. But here's the thing: I don't care if everyone loses as long as YOU lose. Michael: Shawn, listen to reason! Shawn: WHY should I? None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me. Jason: Shawn, you used to be cool, but you've changed, man. Shawn: I'm gonna go write an evil speech for when th

Chapter 49 - You've Changed, Man [4.10]

Michal: FORK this! If we're gonna lose, let's lose on our own terms. Let's come up with a completely new idea that ACTUALLY makes the universe better. Eleanor: Amen. At least then, we can hold our heads high. Okay, we need to come up with our ideal plan in about ten minutes. Michael: Guys, it's all come to this. Everything we've been through. Multiple lives you led on Earth, all the lives you led here...all the ethics training and lessons and journeys to the farthest corners of the afterlife...all happened so that we could be here, together...as the VERY BEST versions of ourselves, to solve the ultimate problem...in the nick of time. Eleanor: Cool speech. Now it's nine minutes.

Chapter 49 - You've Changed, Man [4.10]

Judge Gen: Idiots. Judge Gen: AW NUTS. How did I fall for that!? Chidi: Please have a seat, Your Honor. Judge Gen: I already told you: I am NOT interested. Give me one reason why I should hear you out. Janet: Okay. Here he is. Timothy Olyphant: Ma'am. Judge Gen: You MADE me an OLYPHANT? [celebrates.] Timothy Olyphant: I think you should hear them out, Judge. Only seems fair. Judge Gen: [saunters up to Timothy Olyphant.] Yeah, you're probably right. Well played, Janet. I don't mind taking in the view when the scenery is so pretty.

Chapter 50 - Mondays, Am I Right? [4.11]

Chidi: So, these computers have access to every file for every human currently in the Bad Place, and the three of us have a very important job. Eleanor: To find out which former U.S. Presidents were secretly gay. Chidi: NO. Eleanor: Okay, fine, bi. Chidi: Sure, but also, while Michael is trying to get the Architects trained, we're supposed to find the first 1,000 humans to take the test. People who will just sail right through it so we can build confidence in the system. So what are the criteria? Should it be...people with the highest point totals or overcame the greatest hardship... Jason: I think we just start with the gimmes. The very best people who ever lived, so...Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me, DJ Jazzy Jeff...a genie so we can wish for infinity people. Chidi: Jason- Jason: Sure, throw me in there, too, ALSO Fat Bastard, the World's Most Interesting Man, Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive! [sighs] Feels like a

Chapter 50 - Mondays, Am I Right? [4.11]

Michael: Now, when I press this lever, Tahani will enter the scenario that Megan has designed that will test her ethical decision-making. Obviously, in the real test, the humans won't know they're being tested, but this should be a good practice run. Everyone ready? Server: Hors d'oeuvre? Tahani: Why, yes. Thank you. Chainsaw Bear: CHAINSAW BEAR! Michael: Okay, so, couple of things...we're not using chainsaw bears anymore, remember? Megan: Right...okay, yeah. What else? Michael: It was mainly that one thing. Why don't you try again? And remember: th-the challenges your test subject faces should smaller and-and more relatable. Michael: Okay... Server: Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités. Tahani: Is it farm-raised salmon? Because I prefer to support sustainable fishing. Chainsaw Bear: Mondays, am I right? CHAINSAW!! Megan: You said smaller and more relatable! The bear is smaller, humans hate Mondays and love bacon! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Chapter 50 - Mondays, Am I Right? [4.11]

Chidi: Hey. Um...I'm sorry I said that before, man. Jason: No...you were right. Janet and I ARE different. Maybe it can't last. Maybe we're like the Montagues and Capulets. Chidi: How do you know that? Jason: I read SOME books, man, jeez! Chidi: [sighs] All right, listen...maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense, but who cares? The relationship you have built together is wonderful. She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters. Jason: Do you really believe that? Chidi: Of course I do. Jason: SUCKER! Chidi: ...Sorry? Jason: I got you SO BAD! Dude, pretend what you just said was what you said to you instead of to me. And you have to listen to yourself because it was already in your own head and then came out. But just put it back in your head and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor! Chidi: ...Against all odds, I know what you mean and I-I got to give it up. That was...that was good. Jason: Yeah, it was! Chess...MATE.

Chapter 50 - Mondays, Am I Right? [4.11]

Tahani: That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place. Eleanor: Who was it? Prince? It's gotta be Prince. Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up and we got to start over. Michael: No...it's YOU guys. Jason: ...ffffor real? Michael: The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test. Turns out that...saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points. You're in! Michael: I know, I know, it's real this time. I promise. Get in. Chidi: Are you coming, too? Michael: Yeah, I figured I would. Recently unemployed, might as well do some traveling. Shall we? Jason: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!

Chapter 51 - Patty [4.12]

Tahani: We're finally headed to the Good Place. It's the "me" of places! Tahani: I-I got in, I can say stuff like that again. Jason: Are you sure we're going the right way, Janet? Janet: Well, I've never been to the Good Place before, but yes, I'm sure. Jason: How? Janet: Because it feels like I'm on my way home. Jason: Flying puppy! Flying Puppy: You're almost there! Just a little further! Michael: Flying puppies? Dang it, Michael, why didn't you think of that for your neighborhood? These guys are GOOD.

Chapter 51 - Patty [4.12]

Chidi: Weird... Jason: Whoa! This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites Hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court. Eleanor: But this has to be MY party, because that's the bedpan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998! Eleanor: It was a classic moment, don't judge me! Janet: I'm so sorry, guys. The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time. When you walked in as a group, it became- Tahani: A mish-mash of all four of us. Eleanor: [sighs] It's PERFECT.

Chapter 51 - Patty [4.12]

Michael: I’m so honored by this gesture. This feels right. This will be my new purpose. Everything's falling into place. Chuck: Great. Let's get to it. Just put on this ceremonial robe. Drew: Boy, do you have the shoulders for a robe. Daisuke: Just sign this scroll. Michael: I've never signed my name before. What signature type to choose? Aah..."Doctor blob," or no, "Athlete who doesn't really care about the kid." Oh wait, no..."Middle school girl with crush on Zac Efron." Michael: That way, I can put a little heart over the "I". Chuck: Perfect, and here is your official medal. Michael: Now I know what Mary Lou Retton feels like! Chuck: And great, now you are officially in charge of the Good Place. Michael: ...I'm sorry, "in charge"? Chuck: Yep, you're the boss now, that was all legally binding and we all quit, effective immediately. That is irreversible, so it's all your problem now, don't try to find us, no take-backs, okay, bye-byeeeeee! Chuck: Hurry up, move, move, go, go!

Chapter 51 - Patty [4.12]

Chidi: Um, hi, are you, uh…are you-are you Hypatia Of Alexandria? Hypatia: Yup, how's it hangin'? Chidi: [barely able to contain himself] IT'S HANGING REALLY WELL! Um, I-I gotta say, I was expecting you to be...still, you know...Ancient Greek. Hypatia: Oh! Well, we sort of stay current in this place. What are the big things from Earth recently, um, the Industrial Revolution, the Manhattan Project, "Gangnam Style"...I feel like I get it. Chidi: It's really her. I-I can just tell, somehow, it's HYPATIA OF ALEXANDRIAAAAAA Eleanor: I KNOW, BABE, yes, it is. Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor. This exuberant weirdo is Chidi. We're new in town. First question: How do you get the "of" in your name? Is it just, like, where you hung out the most? Like, am I "Eleanor <i>of</i> the Cheesecake Factory Bar"? Chidi: Also is it Hy-PAY-shuh, or Hy-PAT-ee-uh? Or in the Ancient Greek, "who-PUH-tee-uh?" There's a lot of fun debate about this. Hypatia: You know what, just call me Patty. Chidi: Okay, WELL...<B>PATTY</

Chapter 51 - Patty [4.12]

Eleanor: Hi, everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop. Hope you're having fun at our Flor-izona British library extravaganza. Eleanor: I guess you don't really have fun ANYWHERE, which is...the point. It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you. You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end. Chidi: So we have an idea. We're gonna set up a new kind of door, um, somewhere peaceful, so that when you feel happy and satisfied and complete and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it and your time in the universe will end. Tahani: You don't HAVE to go through it if you don't want to, but...you CAN...and hopefully, knowing that you don't HAVE to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are. Paltibaal: What will happen when we go through it? Janet: Well, we don't really know, exactly. All we know is, it will be peaceful, and your journey will be over. Michael: Y

Chapter 52 & 53 - Whenever You're Ready [4.13-14]

Judge Gen: This meeting of the Joint Council of Afterlife Affairs is called to order. Let's make this quick, kids. I just started re-watching "The Leftovers". Honestly, when I found out that Carrie Coon was never nominated, I almost erased 2% of humanity. Michael? Update? Michael: Things are going fairly well. A new crop of humans just passed their tests. Among the notables who got in: Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston, Saint Thomas Aquinas... Chidi: YES!! Michael: Eighth-century Sufi mystic poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri, and Clara Peller. Michael: She was the "Where's the beef?" lady. Judge Gen: Ohhhh. Michael: "Where's the beef?" lady got in, SO...that's fun. Honestly, our biggest problem is that we need more architects and actors. Vicky: Well, sorry, but these younger demon actors have no dedication to their craft. They think they can just start acting. They have to learn that acting is reacting, and reacting is pre-acting. But pre-acting? Well...that's just being. Judge Gen: Okay

Chapter 52 & 53 - Whenever You're Ready [4.13-14]

Chidi: Hey there, Doug. Doug: Hi. Chidi: Having fun? Doug: I've had so much chicken! Chidi: It's probably good you chose your young body. Doug: Yeah. Michael: How are you doing? Janet: I'm okay, Michael. How are you? Michael: Well, I'm sad, and I know you're the most advanced being in the universe, but I feel like I need to tell you: it's okay if you're sad, too. Janet: I know. And I am a little, but also, I know this is the right time for him to leave. I really am okay, I promise. Michael: Will you come talk to me if you're not? Janet: Always.

Chapter 52 & 53 - Whenever You're Ready [4.13-14]

Janet: You can sit on that bench as long as you want. Whenever you're ready, you just walk through. Jason: I love you, Janet. Janet: I love you, too, Jason. Jason: I hope you have a nice rest of eternity. Janet: Mm. Jason: I made you something. [fidgets through his pocket] AW DIP, I lost it! Janet: It's okay! Jason: No, it's not! I made you this cool thing so you remember me even when you're married to Aquaman, and I...lost it somewhere in this forest. Some magical squirrel probably ate it. Janet: Jason, it's okay. I'm never gonna forget you. In fact, to me, you won't even really be gone. I don't experience time the same way you do. I kind of live all times at once. Jason: I know what you mean. Once, I smoked salvia, and saw the past and the future at the same time... Janet: Mm. Jason: Then I tried to brush my teeth with my cat. Janet: To me, remembering moments with you is the same as living in them. Jason: Can you just remember the happy times and forget the bad stuff? Janet: There w

Chapter 52 & 53 - Whenever You're Ready [4.13-14]

Kamila: I mean, they've gone through the system, so they'll be a little different, right? Tahani: One would hope. [groans] I've never had lunch with Mum and Dad. I've only ever stood silently behind their chairs while they ate lobster tail with Oscar de la Renta. Kamila: I'm right here. We will get through this together. Tahani: Here we go. [clears throat] Mother. Father. Welcome to- Manisha: MY DARLINGS! My darlings, oh! Manisha: Oh, my little girls. Waqas: We love you both SO much. Manisha: SO very much, we have a million things to talk to you about, but first, we are sorry. We'll just be endlessly sorry forever and ever. Tahani: [whispers] ...Holy crap. Kamila: [whispers] I know, right?

Chapter 52 & 53 - Whenever You're Ready [4.13-14]

Eleanor: I was never good at being sad. Partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me? Chidi: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East. Eleanor: I'll take anything you got. Hit me. Chidi: [sighs] ...Picture a wave...in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore...and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a a different way for the water to be...for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean...where it came from...and where it's supposed to be. Eleanor: Not bad, Buddhists. Chidi: Not bad. Chidi: None of this is bad. Eleanor: I need you to do me one last favor. Chidi: Mm-hmm? Eleanor: Say good-by

Chapter 52 & 53 - Whenever You're Ready [4.13-14]

Jason: Oh, dip! You're back! Janet: JASON!? Jason: Yeah! Janet: Wha...but how...why- Jason: Funny story! Remember how I made you something and I thought I lost it because it wasn't in my pocket? Janet: Uh-huh? Jason: Turns out it was in my OTHER pocket! By the time I found it, you were gone. I was just gonna leave it for you, but I was worried it would get eaten by that magic squirrel. So, I decided to wait for you to come back. Every so often, a different Janet came, but...I knew it wasn't you. Janet: Jason, it's been, like, a THOUSAND Bearimies. Jason: I know, but I wanted to see you again. It was actually pretty easy to wait. Jason: I sort of just sat quietly and let my mind drift away...thought about you, and the infinity of the universe. Janet: Kind of like a monk. Jason: What do you mean? Janet: Um... Jason: Looks good, not-a-girl. Jason: Chidi, wait up!

Chapter 52 & 53 - Whenever You're Ready [4.13-14]

Janet: What do you think happens when people walk through the door? It's the only thing in the universe I don't know. Eleanor: I don't know either. The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me: "The true joy is in the mystery." Janet: Do you mind if I stay here until you're gone? Eleanor: Only if you say that thing I taught you. Janet: ...I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence...but I LOVE to watch you leave. Eleanor: There we go.

Chapter 52 & 53 - Whenever You're Ready [4.13-14]

I'll say this to you, my friend, with...all the joy in my heart, and all the wisdom in the universe: Take it sleazy.