Quotes

Dialogue

Simon Bishop: Have you seen Verdell? Melvin Udall: What does he look like? Simon Bishop: My dog. You know, my dog with the adorable face? Don't you know what my dog looks like? Melvin Udall: Oh, I got it. You were talking about your dog. I thought it was the name of that colored man I've been seeing in the halls. Simon Bishop: Which color was that? Melvin Udall: Uh . . . like thick molasses, with a broad nose. Perfect for smelling trouble and prison food.

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Melvin Udall: Oh, now I'm pissed! Now, I am REALLY PISSED! Melvin Udall: OH! Don't touch! Don't touch! Frank Sachs: Shh! Shh! Melvin Udall: Don't touch! Frank Sachs: Shut up! You think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude, but you don't intimidate me. I grew up in hell, home boy! My grandmother had more attitude! Melvin Udall: [calling] POLICE! DONUT-MUNCHING MORONS! HELP ME! HELP ME...! Frank Sachs: Shh! Melvin Udall: HELP ME! Frank Sachs: [to Melvin Udall] Stop it! Shh! Melvin Udall: [to Frank Sachs] Assault and battery! And you're black! Frank Sachs: I like Simon! I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable if you verbally abuse him, or so much as touch that dog again! Meantime, I'm gonna think of some way that you can make it up to him. [suddenly loud] I HATE DOING THIS! I'M [lowers his voice] an art dealer...! Have a nice day. [running off] Okay! Party! Party!

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Woman at table: I said, "You love me the way you do your remote control as long as I switch every time you press one of my buttons." Man at table: That's great! That's terrific-- Melvin Udall: People that talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch. [after the couple look at Melvin] Eat up!

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Melvin Udall: [Walks up to the couple he harassed earlier] How much more you got to eat? [Couple look at Melvin quizzically] Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh? Woman at table: [Puzzled] What?

Dialogue

Carol Connelly: What are you doing with a dog? Melvin Udall: Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around. Carol Connelly: You're not worried someone might take it? Melvin Udall: Well, not until now, for Christ's sake!

Dialogue

Melvin Udall: [to Carol Connelly] How old are you? Carol Connelly: Hah! Melvin Udall: If I was gonna guess by your eyes, I'd say you were 50. Carol Connelly: If I went by your eyes, I'd say you were kind. So, so much for eyes. But as long as you bring up age, how old are you? Melvin Udall: Oh, no, no, no, I mean not - Carol Connelly: I mean, 'cause you brought it up. Melvin Udall: In other words - Carol Connelly: No, I'm curious if you brought it up. Melvin Udall: In other words, you're not - not that you're ugly, that's not what I'm saying. Carol Connelly: Easy, easy, pal. I can take the compliment, but my knees start knocking when you turn on the charm full blast.

Dialogue

Melvin Udall: Hi. [closes door behind him] HELP! Dr. Green: If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment. Melvin Udall: Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive-compulsive disorder and then act as though I had some choice about barging in? Dr. Green: There's not going to be a debate. You must leave. Melvin Udall: You said you could help me! What was that? A tease? Dr. Green: I can help you if you take responsibility to keep regular appointment-- Melvin Udall: You changed the room around. Dr. Green: Two years ago. I also regrew my beard, but you're not interested in changes in me. So, it's like I always-- Melvin Udall: Sh. I don't have this mountain of available time. I have to get to my restaurant on time. Now, do you know how hard it was for me to come here? Dr. Green: Yes. Melvin Udall: Thank you. Dr. Green: No, we're not doing this now. Melvin Udall: I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should. Dr. Green: No. Nope.

Dialogue

Melvin Udall: [to Carol Connelly] I'm hungry. Melvin Udall: You've ruined my whole day. I haven't eaten. Carol Connelly: What are you doing here? Melvin Udall: This is not a sexist thing. If you were a waiter, I'd be saying the - Carol Connelly: Are you totally gone? This is my private home. Melvin Udall: I'm trying to keep emotion out of this. Even though it's an important issue to me, and I have very strong feelings on the subject. Carol Connelly: What subject? That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get? Melvin Udall: Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have. Why aren't you at work? You sick? You don't look sick. Just tired and bitter. Carol Connelly: My son is sick, okay? Melvin Udall: What about your mother? Carol Connelly: How do you know about my mother? Melvin Udall: I hear you talking while I wait. Spencer "Spence" Connelly: [offscreen] Mom, I fi

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Carol Connelly: Melvin, wait! School kids: Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin Udall: [after looking incredulous for a moment] SHUT UP, KIDS! Carol Connelly: Give us a lift, would you, Melvin? Melvin Udall: A lift? Okay? [to Spencer "Spence" Connelly] Cover your mouth while you cough, kid. Spencer "Spence" Connelly: I won't.

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Melvin Udall: Any chance you'll be back at work today? Carol Connelly: No! Stay away from me! God!

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Receptionist: How do you write women so well? Melvin Udall: I think of a man. And I take away reason and accountability.

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Carol Connelly: Fucking HMO! Bastard pieces of shit! Beverly Connelly: Carol. Carol Connelly: I'm Sorry. Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.

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Carol Connelly: Uh, can we get you anything else? Do you want some, uh, water or some coffee? Dr. Martin Bettes: No, thank you. Carol Connelly: A couple of female slaves?

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Melvin Udall: [answering the door] Is he dead yet? Nora Manning: No! I was wondering, would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him. Melvin Udall: Absolutely. Nora Manning: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time, and here is the key in case he is asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work. And he'll know that, even things like this, happen for the best. Melvin Udall: Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City "Sailor wanna hump-hump" bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

Dialogue

Carol Connelly: [to Melvin Udall] I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you. Never, ever. Not ever. Melvin Udall: I'm sorry, but, um, we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m. Carol Connelly: I'm not kidding. Melvin Udall: Okay. Anything else?

Dialogue

Beverly Connelly: You are not still writing that thank you note? Carol Connelly: I'm on my last page. How do you spell "conscience"? Beverly Connelly: C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. Look, I got Sean from the bakery to come babysit so we could go out. Carol Connelly: I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone. Could you spell that again, please? Beverly Connelly: Spencer's okay. You better finding something else to do with your free time. [to Sean] Sean, are you hungry? Sean: [offscreen] Yeah. Beverly Connelly: All right. We got pizza. Carol and I are going out. Sausage pepperoni. You wanna make this later for you and Spencer? Sean: [offscreen] Great. Beverly Connelly: [to Carol Connelly] We are going out like people do. If you can't feel good about this break and step out a little . . . Beverly Connelly: . . . then I - I think you ought to have Mr. Udall send you over a psychiatrist. Carol Connelly: I don't need one 'cause I know what's really going on here. I gotta finish this letter,

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Carol Connelly: Now, this is for - for later. Melvin Udall: What's this? Carol Connelly: Um . . . it's a note. Melvin Udall: A note? Carol Connelly: Yeah, it's a thank you note. Melvin Udall: Thank you note? No, no, no. Carol Connelly: You can read it later. Melvin Udall: No. No thank you. No. No thank you note. No, no, no, no. Melvin Udall: Thank you. Thank you. Frank Sachs: She's nice. Melvin Udall: Yeah. Frank Sachs: Real nice, huh? Melvin Udall: Really nice. Shouldn't that be a good thing, telling somebody, "no thanks required"?

Dialogue

Frank Sachs: Hey, I'm as concerned about Simon as you are. Melvin Udall: Concerned? Frank Sachs: It's not just financial assistance... Melvin Udall: Hey! Frank Sachs: [continuing] He's got to get to Baltimore to ask his parents for money, tomorrow. Melvin Udall: Well, yeah. I mean, if his parents are alive, they have to help - it's the rules! Good! That's great. Frank Sachs: Absolutely. Melvin Udall: Let them help him. Frank Sachs: Only, uh... I got a high-maintenance selling painter coming through, so I'm out. Can you drive him? Melvin Udall: [after another beat] Think white and get serious! Frank Sachs: Take my car, a convertible. Frank Sachs: Do you drive? Melvin Udall: Like the wind! But I'm not doin' it!

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Melvin Udall: All right, I'll see you tomorrow. Uh, let's not drag this out, we don't enjoy one another that much. Frank Sachs: If there is some mental health foundation that raises money for people like you, please be sure to let me know! [starts to leave] Melvin Udall: "Last word" freak.

Dialogue

Carol Connelly: So, anything else? Melvin Udall: Yeah. I'm gonna give my queer neighbor a lift to Baltimore. Carol Connelly: Okay. Melvin Udall: Hey. What I did for you, it's, uh, working out? Carol Connelly: What you did changed my life. Melvin Udall: No, uh . . . no - no thank you note. Carol Connelly: Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life, which you won't read, is that somehow, you have done more for my mother, my son, and me, than anyone else ever has, and . . . Carol Connelly: . . . I'm just gonna read you this part of it. "And that makes you the most important, surprising, generous person I ever met in my life and that you're gonna be in our prayers, our daily prayers, forever." Melvin Udall: Lovely. Carol Connelly: I . . . I also wrote one part . . . I'm just gonna say I - I wrote I'm sorry. I . . . I was talking about I was sorry when I - when I got mad at you for - for when you came over, and you told my . . . Melvin Udall: Uh-huh. Carol Connelly: . . . s

Dialogue

Simon Bishop: Well, I always painted. And my - my mother always encouraged it. I mean, she was really sort of - she was sort of fabulous about it actually . . . and she used to . . . you know, I was too young to think anything wrong with it, and she was - she was very natural. So, she used to pose nude for me . . . and I always thought, or I guess I assumed that my father knew about it. Melvin Udall: This stuff is pointless. Carol Connelly: Hey! Let him finish please. Melvin Udall: You like sad stories? You wanna hear mine? Carol Connelly: Stop! [to Simon] Go ahead. Really. Please don't let him stop you. Simon Bishop: Um, one day, he walked in, and he found us, and he just - he started screaming. Melvin Udall: My father didn't come out of his room for eleven years. He used to hit me on the hands with a yardstick if I made a mistake playing the piano. Huh? Carol Connelly: Go ahead, Simon. So, you said he came in your room, and he was yelling? Simon Bishop: Uh-huh. Carol Connelly: Please

Dialogue

Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop] Can I ask you a personal question? Simon Bishop: Sure. Melvin Udall: Ever get an erection over a woman? Simon Bishop: Melvin . . . Melvin Udall: I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't - Simon Bishop: You consider your life easy? Melvin Udall: All right. I give you that one. Melvin Udall: Nice packing.

Dialogue

Head waiter: Good evening. Melvin Udall: Hi. You have hard shells, right? Carol Connelly: Stop asking everyone. Melvin Udall: Just him, that's all. Okay, you can answer. We worked it out. Head waiter: Yes, we do. Melvin Udall: Ah. Head waiter: Oh, and, uh, I can give you a tie and jacket. Melvin Udall: What? Head waiter: Oh, they require a tie and jacket, but we have some available. Head waiter: Sir? Melvin Udall: No, I'm not putting that on. And in case you were gonna ask, I'm also not going to let you inject me with the plague either. Carol Connelly: It's such a nice place. [to the head waiter] You probably have these dry cleaned all the time, don't you? Head Waiter: Actually, I don't think so.

Dialogue

Salesman: Good evening. Melvin Udall: I need a coat and tie. Salesman: All right. Come on in. Melvin Udall: No. Salesman: No? Melvin Udall: Uh, that one. Salesman: This one? Melvin Udall: That one and this tie.

Dialogue

Carol Connelly: You wanna dance? Melvin Udall: Well, I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before. Carol Connelly: And? Melvin Udall: No. I - I don't get this place. They make me buy a new outfit, and they let you in with a house dress. I don't get it. Melvin Udall: What? W-wait. No. Wait. Why? Where you going? No. Why? I mean, I . . . uh, I didn't mean it that way. I mean, you gotta sit down. You can still give me the dirty look, just sit down and give it to me. Carol Connelly: Pay me a compliment, Melvin. I need one. Quick. You have no idea how much what you said hurt my feelings. Melvin Udall: The monominute that someone gets that they need you, they threaten to walk out. It never fails. Carol Connelly: A compliment is something nice about somebody else. Now or never. Melvin Udall: Okay. Carol Connelly: And mean it. Melvin Udall: Can we order first? Melvin Udall: Um, two hard shell crab dinners, pitcher of ice cold beer. [to Carol Connelly] Uh, baked or fries? Carol

Dialogue

Carol Connelly: Are you okay? Simon Bishop: Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I gotta get some new thoughts. Carol Connelly: Why? What are you thinking about? Simon Bishop: How to die, mostly. Carol Connelly: Can you believe in our little mix, you're the good roommate?

Dialogue

Melvin Udall: [to Simon Bishop, about Carol Connelly] Did you have sex with her? Carol Connelly: [to Simon Bishop, offscreen] Okay, so, you sure you don't want your shampoos or anything? Melvin Udall: Sorry. I didn't know she was still here. Melvin Udall: Did you have sex with her? Carol Connelly: To hell with sex. Carol Connelly: It was better than sex. We held each other. What I need he gave me great. [to Simon Bishop] I'll get dressed in a hurry. Simon Bishop: Just love her. Simon Bishop: How you doing?

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Simon Bishop: Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me. I love you. Melvin Udall: I tell you, buddy, I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.

Dialogue

Melvin Udall: Hello? Carol Connelly: Yeah. Melvin Udall: How you doing? Carol Connelly: Not so hot. Melvin Udall: Why? Wh-what's wrong? Carol Connelly: I don't know whether I'm being sensible or hard on you. Melvin Udall: Maybe both. Maybe. Carol Connelly: See, right there, I don't know whether you're being cute or crazy now. Melvin Udall: Cute. Carol Connelly: You don't have to answer everything I say. Just listen to me, okay? Listen to me. It's really something that you're looking after Simon. And what I said on the street. That was a bad thing to say. And it made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy your company. But, the truth is you do bother me enormously, and I know that - think that it's - I think that it's better for me to not have contact with you because you're not ready, and you're a pretty old guy to not be ready, and I'm too old to ignore that. But, there were extraordinary kindnesses that did take place. Huh. So, anyw

Dialogue

Melvin Udall: [loudly] Are you gonna talk to me or not?! Simon Bishop: I'm coming. [enters the room] What'd she say? Melvin Udall: That I'm a great guy, extraordinary - and she doesn't want contact with me. [after a beat] I'm dying here. Simon Bishop: Because... [gently] you love her. Melvin Udall: No! And you people are supposed to be sensitive and sharp? Simon Bishop: Then you tell me why! You're the one who's "dying here." Melvin Udall: I don't know. Let me sleep on it. Simon Bishop: Oh, come on. Melvin Udall: I'll figure it out. Simon Bishop: Oh, please. Melvin Udall: It's, uh... I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm - I'm stuck! I can't get back to my old life. She-She's evicted me from my life! Simon Bishop: Did you really like it that much? Melvin Udall: [furious] Well, it's better than this. Look, you, I'm very intelligent. If you're gonna give me hope, you gotta do better than you're doing. I mean, if you can't be at least mildly interesting, then shut the hell up! I mean, I

Dialogue

Carol Connelly: What do you want, Melvin? Melvin Udall: I'm sorry I woke you. I - I - I - S-Simon - Carol Connelly: I wasn't asleep. Melvin Udall: What a break. Carol Connelly: Is it a secret what you're doing here? Melvin Udall: I had to see you. Carol Connelly: Because? Melvin Udall: It relaxes me. Melvin Udall: I'd feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb then any other place I can think of or imagine. Melvin Udall: No, no, no, no, wait. That's - that's overstating. I'd rather be sitting inside on the steps because I don't want to get my feet in the gutter. What would that serve? Carol Connelly: Stop it! Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Why? Just a regular boyfriend that doesn't go nuts on me! I - Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist. Carol Connelly: I - Beverly Connelly: [to Melvin Udall] Oh, I'm - I'm sorry. Melvin Udall: No. Beverly Connelly: I - I - I didn't mean to interrupt. Melvin Udall: Boyfriend. Carol Connelly: Come in and try no

Dialogue

Carol Connelly: I'm sorry. Whatever this is is not gonna work. Melvin Udall: I'm feeling . . . I've been f- Carol Connelly: What? Melvin Udall: I'm feeling better, Carol. Carol Connelly: Melvin. Melvin Udall: Mm-hm. Carol Connelly: Even though it may seem that way now, you don't know me all that well. I'm not the answer for you. Melvin Udall: Hey. I've got a great compliment for you. Carol Connelly: Y-You know what? I - I - I . . . Melvin Udall: J-J-Just let me - let me talk. Just . . . I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. Melvin Udall: I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, Spence, and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. And I . . . I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you br