Quotes

Others

Oh, you hate to see something like that at an event like this: ugly protesters bothering beautiful people.

Dialogue

Olaf: Cool story, Hansel. Hansel: Thanks, Olaf.

Dialogue

Matilda: I became... Hansel: What? Matilda: Bulimic. Zoolander: You can read minds?

Dialogue

Derek Zoolander: What is this? [smashes the model for the reading center] A center for ants? Mugatu: What? Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building? Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small... Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this! Mugatu: He's absolutely right you know.

Dialogue

Brint: Or the way Hansel combs his hair? Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? Mmmhahaha! Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model. Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I was making a joke. Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay, I knew that! Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well, I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you *didn't* know it was a joke! Ahaha! Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away! Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint... Derek Zoolander: Would you guys stop it already?

Dialogue

Brint: You know what would help you sort through these important issues? Derek Zoolander: What? Brint, Meekus, and Rufus: ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!! Derek Zoolander: What are they doing? Derek Zoolander: Guys, NO!

Dialogue

Derek Zoolander: Who's winning the match? Larry Zoolander: State. Derek Zoolander: [coughs] I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well-ventilated down there. Larry Zoolander: For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years. [Luke and Scrappy look at each other] Derek Zoolander: Moisture is the essence of wetness... and wetness is the essence of beauty. [He swims offscreen as the patrons laugh] Larry Zoolander: Why did you have to come back to this damn...town? Derek Zoolander: [Gets up and looks at his father] I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop. Larry Zoolander: With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hangin' out for everyone to see? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to

Dialogue

J.P. Prewitt: The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years. And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model. Matilda: Okay, that is impossible. J.P. Prewitt: Oh yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the powdered wigs and silk stockings worn by our country's early leaders? Derek Zoolander: Mugatu? J.P. Prewitt: Slaves, Derek. Without their free labor, the prices on such items would've gone up tenfold. So the powers-that-be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas. 1963. Kennedy had just put a trade embargo on Cuba, ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured Sansabelt slacks. An incredibly popular item at the time. Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model! J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy across the grassy knoll sure as shit were!

Dialogue

Maury: For Christ’s sake, it’s a casserole, Shiela, it’ll stay! Mugatu: [interrupting Maury] Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. [To the Malaysian Prime Minister] DIE, YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM! [Mugatu throws an “M” shaped throwing star at the Prime Minister of Malaysia] Derek Zoolander: One look? One look?! I don't think so! [Rushes in front of the Malaysian Prime Minister, turns away, then turns back, giving a look that glows and causes the audience to gasp] Hansel: There it is! Todd: MAGNUM! Larry Zoolander: [Watching on TV] Holy moley! Maury: Yeah, baby! That's