Quotes

Dialogue

Mrs. Peenman: Ipkiss, do you have any idea what time it is? Stanley Ipkiss: [exasperatedly] Actually, no. Mrs. Peenman: [gasps; Stanley steps off carpet] My new carpet! Well, this is coming right out of your security, Ipkiss! Stanley Ipkiss: You know what, Mrs. Peenman? Mrs. Peenman: WHAT?! Stanley Ipkiss: [pauses] Nothing. Mrs. Peenman: Well, that's what you are, Ipkiss, A BIG NOTHING! [slams the door behind her] Stanley Ipkiss: "Aren't you due back at the lab to get your bolts tightened?!" [to himself] I should've said that.

Dialogue

Alley Punk: Hey, mister! You got the time? The Mask: As a matter of fact I do, Cubby. [pulls a watch out of his pocket] Look at that! It's exactly two seconds before I honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head! [does so]

Dialogue

Bobby: Uh, are you on the list? The Mask: Nooooo. But I believe my friends are. Perhaps you know them. [He takes fistfuls of high denomination cash out of his pocket] Franklin, Grant, and...Jackson?

Dialogue

Look, Ma! I'm roadkill! Ha Ha Ha!

Dialogue

[turns into a matador] Toro! [turns into a Cossack] Oy!Oy!Oy!Oy! [turns into Elvis] Thank you very much. Huh! Huh! [turns into a cowboy; his gun is shot out of his hand. A squish is heard] Ugh, ya got me partner. [walks towards Dorian and Orlando, while making weird noises, before collapsing in Orlando's arms] Hold me closer, Ed, it's getting dark... [coughs] Tell Auntie Em to let Old Yeller out... [coughs]...tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas... [coughs]...tell Scarlett I do give a damn! (coughs on thug, a fart is heard) Pardon me... [he "dies", an audience appears and gives the Mask a standing ovation while The Mask is handed an Oscar] Thank you! You love me! You really love me!

Dialogue

The Mask: [To Tina; in French accent] Cigarette? No? [He puffs out smoke in the shape of a heart, then snorts an arrow through it] Now, like Napoleon, I will, divide and conquer. Kellaway: Ipkiss! Police! The Mask: Merde. Kellaway: Freeze! [The Mask covers himself in ice] Put your hands up! The Mask: [with teeth clenched] But you told me to freeze! Kellaway: All right, all right, un-freeze. [The Mask defrosts and falls to the ground] You're under arrest. The Mask: [Desperate voice] No! It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man! [gets up; in normal voice] All right, I confess! I did it, ya hear? And I'm glad, glad I tell ya! [begs on the ground] What are they gonna do to me, Sarge? What are they gonna do?! Kellaway: [slaps handcuffs on The Mask] Sorry, son, that's not my department. Search him! [The Mask is pulled up and his [endless] pockets are searched] The Mask: Ow! Where's a camcorder when ya need one? [snorty laugh]

Dialogue

Doyle: Really big sunglasses... Park Policeman: Bike horn... Doyle: Small mouth bass... Park Policeman: Bowling pin... Doyle: [yelps in pain] Mouse trap... Park Policeman: Rubber chicken... The Mask: A little to the left... that's it. Doyle: [squeezes a stress reliever toy] I don't know... funny eyeball glasses? The Mask: I've never seen those before in my life. Park Policeman: Bazooka… The Mask: I have a permit for that. Doyle: Picture of Kellaway's wife... Kellaway: What? The Mask: Oh oh... Kellaway: [sees the photo] MARGARET! YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! The Mask: Jeez, I figured you had a sense of humor. After all... <span style="color:black"><big>YOU MARRIED HER!!!</big></span> The Mask: That's gotta hurt! [makes sound then whizzes off.] Kellaway: GET HIM! [discovers he's now handcuffed to Doyle.] Doyle!

Dialogue

Doyle: Aw, come on, Lieutenant. It's not all your fault. Something would turn up. Kellaway: [sarcastically] Sure, Stanley Ipkiss is gonna fall right into my lap. [falls when Stanley falls on him, then tears the tape off Stanley's mouth] Stanley Ipkiss: OW! Kellaway: Ipkiss! Stanley Ipkiss: Wait, I can explain everything! Kellaway: Oh, yeah? You can explain everything? [finds a green rubber mask] Explain this. Stanley Ipkiss: Um... Kellaway: Get him up! Come on, let’s go; I got a cell for you, pal!!

Dialogue

Dorian Tyrell: What a rush! Eddie: Whoa, boss! You OK? Dorian Tyrell: Better than ever, you idiot. Eddie: What do we do with Ipkiss? Dorian Tyrell: The police are looking for The Mask. So we'll give them The Mask. (He laughs evilly)

Dialogue

Orlando: [delivering Stanley] Hey, boss. Look who decide to crash the party. Stanley: Hey, Dorian. How's it goin'? Dorian Tyrell: Bring him up here! Tina: Dorian, wait. No! Dorian: Ugh, there's no time for last request. Tina: But all I wanted was a kiss. Dorian: A kiss? Tina: Just one last kiss? Eddie: Dorian, I can't shut this thing off. Dorian Tyrell: There is always time... for one last kiss! Tina: No. I want it to be with the real Dorian. The one I used to love. No one's ever kissed me like Dorian Tyrell. Eddie: [shouting] Romeo, this whole place is gonna blow any minute! Dorian Tyrell: [yells; eyes glow red] JUST WAIT!...I've decided...[Dorian removes mask and reverts to his human self] to give her one last thrill.

Dialogue

Dorian Tyrell: I'm gonna take you apart! [he punches Stanley] Stanley Ipkiss: Well, I hope you can enjoy the victory with one friggin' eye! [he pokes Dorian in the eye and punches him across the face]

Dialogue

Policeman: Police! Hands up! Policeman # 2: All right, hold it right there. Policeman # 3: Get 'em up! Charlie: Officers, arrest those men! I always wanted to say that. Stanley Ipkiss: Come on. Policeman # 4: Drop it! Kellaway: Give me that gun! Mrs. Peenman: They stole all my jewelry! You take me down to headquarters... Kellaway: Stop that man! Ipkiss! I've got you now, Ipkiss. Watch it, chunky! [Realizes who he’s talking to] Mayor Tilton, I'm so.... Mayor Tilton: What the hell's goin' on, Kellaway? Kellaway: That man is the Mask. Mayor Tilton: No, Dorian Tyrell was the Mask. I saw it with my own eyes. This young man just saved our lives. Charlie: With a little help from his friends. Doyle: Oh, you're a real hero. Kellaway: Doyle! Stanley Ipkiss: Well, it's nothing... any Americans with balls of steel, wouldn't do for his community. Milo, come on! Kellaway: Hey, wait, that dog... Mayor Tilton, did you see that dog? Mayor Tilton: Leave the dog alone. I want to see you in my office, fir

Dialogue

Mr. Dickey: Ipkiss, we have a crisis on our hands here and you stroll in over an hour late? If I have to put up with your slovenly behavior... Stanley: BACK OFF, Monkey Boy!!! Before I tell your daddy you're running this place like it's your own personal piggy bank. Or maybe we should call the IRS, and see if we can arrange a little vacation for you at Club FED!!!!!!!!! Mr. Dickey: [shocked] That'll be all, Ipkiss.