Quotes

Dialogue

Phil: Tracy, it's Phil. Tracy: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out. Phil: Yeah, listen. Uh... we fucked up. Tracy: What are you talking about? Phil: The bachelor party-- The whole night-- Things got outta control, and, uh…we lost Doug. Tracy: What? Phil: We can't find Doug. Tracy: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours! Phil: Yeah. That's not gonna happen.

Dialogue

Sid: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Doug: Ah! Sid: Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with ya.

Dialogue

Alan: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it. Doug: Okay. I got it. Thank you. I don't think that... Alan: Seriously. I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone. Doug: What? Alan: You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul. Doug: Okay. I got it. Thank you. Alan: No, thank you. [the two future in-laws embrace] I love you so much.

Dialogue

Doug: All good with Melissa? Stu: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it. Phil: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years, and you still have to lie about going to Vegas? Stu: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight. Phil: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas, but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line? Stu: Okay. First of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even cum inside her. Phil: And you believe that? Stu: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

Dialogue

Alan: I like to say somethin' that I prepared tonight. Stu: All right, Alan. Alan: [extracts a sheet of paper; presents his speech] Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! [pulls out a pocket knife] Stu: What?! Doug: Whattaya got there? Phil: What the fuck?! Stu: What is that?! Alan: Blood brothers.

Dialogue

Phil: [sees Alan with his new satchel] You're not really wearin' that, are you? Alan: Wearin' what? Phil: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that, or you guys just fuckin' with me? Alan: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a man purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one. Phil: So does Joy Behar.

Dialogue

Alan: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out? Phil: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there? Stu: I don't know, because I don't remember. Phil: Shh! Stu! Stu, keep it down. Alan: One of the side-effects of roofies is memory loss. Stu: You are literally too stupid to insult.

Dialogue

Phil: All right. We got the money. 80 grand cash. Chow: Throw it over! Then I give you Doug. Stu: I'm sorry. First of all, good morning. We didn't catch your name last night. Chow: Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow. Stu: Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu. And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug before we give you the money, to verify that he's okay, if that's cool. Chow: Of course, Stu. That is cool. [claps hands, and a man with a bag on his head is brought out of the car] Stu: [relieved] Oh. Okay. Chow: See? He fine. Now, gimme money, or I shoot him, and I shoot all you motherfuckers! And then we take it! Your choice, bitches!

Dialogue

Melissa: I called that bed and breakfast in Napa. They said they had no record of you even checking in. Stu: That's 'cause we didn't go to Napa. Melissa: Stu, what the fuck is going on? Stu: We went to Las Vegas. Melissa: Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas? Stu: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do. Melissa: Uh-huh? Stu: Yeah. Melissa: That's not what you do. Stu: Really? Well, then, why did I do it?! Huh?! 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it?! You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do. Melissa: That is not how this works! Stu: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me! Melissa: Oh, really? Stu: Yeah! Melissa: Since when?! Stu: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!!! Alan: You told me it was a bartender. S

Dialogue

Officer Franklin: Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal… Officer Franklin: …or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You wanna come up here and do some shootin’, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here. Officer Franklin: Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on. Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back. Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy. Phil: You don't really wanna do this. Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus. Phil: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through. Officer Franklin: Finish him! Officer Franklin: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Give her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great! Officer Franklin: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody wanna do some shootin’ up here? How about you