Quotes

Pilot

I've got this friend. He says the human condition, human nature, being human, is to be cold and alone. Like someone lost in the woods. It's safe to say he's a 'glass-is-half-empty' kind of guy.

Pilot

When in Rome, stop killing the other Romans.

Pilot

Mitchell: I don't know, you see my friend, he's very picky. He took a lot of convincing to agree to this. George: [Excited] You can actually see the top of the hospital from the window and it's a dinky little kitchen you could fit a table in there… maybe. Otherwise, if we have people over we can just sit in here. And the little garden is just... gorgeous. We can grow vegetables! Mitchell: Like I said, he's a very difficult customer.

Pilot

Estate Agent: The back of the house doesn't get much sunlight. Mitchell: I'm not mad about sunlight...

Pilot

George: This is ridiculous! What could be scarier than one of us? Mitchell: A bigger one of us?

Pilot

Annie: Shit, can you see me? George: Of course! Who are you? Annie: You can see me? [She waves her arms] Can you see me do that? George: What's she talking about? Annie: Oh my God you can hear me too. I don't believe this! George: You don't believe it? Mitchell, call the police. Mitchell: George, it's okay. George: It is most certainly not okay, we paid a deposit! Mitchell: George, shut up! She's a ghost. Annie: [Slightly offended] Your point being?

Pilot

George: Okay, well this has been great, my first ghost - knockout! But it's getting late, so... Annie: Uh, you don't have to keep going on about it, me being a ghost, it's a bit rude. If someone's fat and you're like 'you're fat'. George: Oh, I'm sorry maybe I'm just a bit tetchy, because you just tried to scare me out of my house. Annie: It was my house before it was your house! George: That's not an argument! It's not like bagsying the front seat of a car!

Pilot

George: Julia...! Julia: [Urgently] Please, go back inside. Peter: You heard her, walk away little man! Julia: [To Peter] He's- he's just someone who works at the hospital. Peter: [To George] She been giving you the eye too? What's she been telling you?! George: I think you should calm down... Peter: Yeah and I think you should piss off! You've been told twice, now! George: I'm afraid I can't do that. Julia: [Sobbing] George, please! Peter: [Realises] ...George. Did you say "George"? [Tosses her aside, turns to George] I've seen photos of you. You're the one that disappeared. [Shakes his head in amusement] Did you follow her? You think you can take her back now? What's she been telling you?! Julia: Stop- George: She didn't know I was here, I didn't know she was coming in. Peter: Yeah? Well you're wasting your time; she doesn't even talk about you anymore. George: [Smiles angrily] Yeah, I'm sure you saw to that. Peter: I'm glad she's gonna see this... George: [Looks up at the nght sky]

Pilot

Annie: Hiya. Mitchell: Have you been sitting there long? Annie: Define long. Mitchell: An hour? Annie: Then yeah.

Pilot

Mitchell: So, you've just arrived at Hogwarts, which house do they put you in? George: I'd like to say Gryffindor, but they're supposed to be brave. What's the other one? Ravenclaw, does that have a characteristic? Mitchell: I think they're brainy. You could be in Ravenclaw. Annie: I quite fancy Hufflepuff actually. I've always thought in Hufflepuff they just spend the day making stuff with safety scissors and glitter. George: What about you? Mitchell: I think that they'd say, 'it's probably best if you just stay in the canteen for the next five years'. Annie: Does anyone ever choose Slytherin? George: No, because that would be like saying 'I'm a sociopath.'

Pilot

Annie: Ah well, you shouldn't be eating bacon anyway, should you - you're Jewish. George: Yeah, I gave up on the whole orthodoxy thing when I started turning into a wolf. Annie: Do they have rules about being a werewolf as well? George: I think you'd be hard pressed to find a religion that doesn't frown on it. Mitchell: What about the Moonies?

Pilot

George: Okay, you win ten million pounds; what do you do? Annie: Buy Colin Firth.

Flotsam and Jetsam

Everyone dies. Actually, can I start that again? Everyone deserves a death. I was going to die of old age. That was the plan. Mitchell was going to go down in a blaze of gunfire and glory.... Not cold and alone and shit scared. He didn't think death would smile at him first. Death was always a certainty. The punch line we could all see coming. But not for Mitchell. For a vampire, death isn't the end. But the beginning.

Flotsam and Jetsam

Annie: So who wants tea? George: Ugh. Annie: What? George: You keep making tea! Every surface is covered with cups of tea and coffee. I go to make myself some tea and I can't! There's no mugs, there's no tea! It's all been made! And you can't even drink it! You can't drink it, but you keep making it! Oh, oh, oh my god, it's driving me INSANE! Annie: Oh, well, I like my routine, it makes me feel normal. George: Wh- b- wh- You're a ghost! Annie: Yeah, OK...

Flotsam and Jetsam

Mitchell: We've got work and then it's his time of the month. Annie: Oh god, I used to hate that. Curl up on the sofa, Pride and Prejudice, if anyone said anything I'd bite their head off. Oh, God... that is actually a real possibility for you, isn't it... The, the biting...

Flotsam and Jetsam

What blood type is he - A positive? Bit Jacob's Creek-y for my taste, but there you go...

Flotsam and Jetsam

I'm sensing a trip to IKEA. [Glares at George] And you know my feelings on that.

Flotsam and Jetsam

Annie: Owen, your landlord, my fiancé. Ex-fiancé. He's coming round! Mitchell: In about... now. George: He's coming here? Why? Mitchell: He's back from Saudi for a few months and wants to meet us. Annie: Well you guys are his longest staying tenants. All the others have er... found it strangely unwelcoming. George: [To Mitchell] Why didn't you put him off?!? Mitchell: I tried! But she kicked me in the shin. The shin, George!

Flotsam and Jetsam

Annie: Okay, I've written a list of questions for you to ask him. Mitchell: [Reading the list] 'Are you screwing Janey Harris?' Annie: She always fancied him and believe me, if she knew when I died she'd have been here before the ambulance crew. Mitchell: [Reading the list] 'Has my sister had a baby?' Awww... Annie: They've been trying for ages. I blame her husband, his name's Robin and he works in a Post Office.

Flotsam and Jetsam

[To Mitchell] How noble of you to take on the curse of immortality so that your friends could wither and decay in hospitals and old people's homes.

Flotsam and Jetsam

Before I died I had this one odd last thought, and now I'm going to make it yours. You know all the things you were scared of as a kid, all the monsters under the bed? They're all real. [She blackens her eyes, George doesn't react] Okay, I'm new to this but aren't you supposed to weep or scream or wee yourself?

Flotsam and Jetsam

I just wanted a chance to explain. You don't know him, you don't know how he'd reacted but I knew. I just I knew that if he saw me again he'd – but he couldn't see me. And now he's got someone else, and now she gets to kiss him and watch him shave and laugh and - I'm still in the clothes that I died in! I get nothing! She gets him and I get... [calms down] I get you.

Flotsam and Jetsam

Annie: So what did you think of her then? Janey? George: She's... orange. Annie: She works in a tanning salon. She thinks that looks classy! [sulking] I think she looks like Kilroy.

Flotsam and Jetsam

Nurse: [showing a form to George] Does that look like a 3 or a 5 to you? George: A 3... Nurse: That's Becca's handwriting for you. So if she give him 'is meds at 3, he's gonna need 'em again... now. But if she give him 'is meds at 5, he ain't gonna need 'em 'til 10... George: Why don't you ask her? Nurse: She ain't answerin' 'er mobile. She's gone out for a drink with your mate. George: Which mate...? Nurse: Oh you know... 'im with the face. George: Where did they go?!? Nurse: Christ knows. I would've asked but then that might have seemed like I gives a shit.

Tully

Mitchell: We can't just dip our toe! We have to dive into the churn of humanity. Laugh with them, listen to their stories. George: About Vin Diesel? Mitchell: A... remarkable man, I'm starting to realise...

Tully

Annie: Maybe he's had a blow to the head. George: I'm sorry? Annie: Happened to my Nan. She got hit in the head by a radio controlled plane at a county fair. From that moment - obsessed with pygmy goats. George: There wasn't a single bit of that sentence I understood.

Tully

We have to put a stop to this. Doesn't he understand, these people are British? You're not allowed to talk to your neighbours until you've nodded at them for fifteen years.

Tully

George: How did you find me? Tully: You're a werewolf living in Bristol. It kinda narrows the field.

Tully

Tully: The Earth my pillow, my canopy the stars. Annie: Oh, I'd like to see George living like that. He had a panic attack in the Eden Project.

Tully

Lauren: And the blood, Mitchell. Can you remember the taste? So rich and warm. You can have it again. As much as you want. Mitchell: I can't, the cost is too high. Lauren: Please! Who are you saving, really? Have you seen Britain's Got Talent?

Tully

It's like Hotel California! You can check out, but you can never leave!

Tully

George: This has to stop. I cannot do another conversation about Vin Diesel. Mitchell: You just need to get him onto another subject. George: I've tried! Leonard Cohen, Darcy Bussell - it's like he isn't interested.

Tully

George: Look, don't try to understand George. Annie: George? George who? George: ...Me!

Tully

Annie: [To George] Oh my God. You're Tully's Mini-Me! Mitchell: Yes!

Tully

George: Do you know the difference between you and him? Mitchell: Mmm, I don't know, I don't have to shave my palms? Tully: Ohhh! George: I-I think that's actually racist.

Tully

Mitchell: He's a twat! George: Well he's my twat! Mitchell: You know, I'm sure that sounded much better in your head.

Tully

Annie: [to George about Mitchell] Don't go in for a hug, he might kiss you. Mitchell: What, I-- George: Aw, I leave you two alone for five minutes...

Tully

George: My name is George... and I am a werewolf. Mitchell: Hello, George.

Ghost Town

Mitchell: Owen's moved on with his life. You need to do the same. Annie: I'm dead, in case you hadn't noticed!

Ghost Town

I'm not eating raw meat like an animal because a ghost is ovulating!

Ghost Town

Mitchell: I never know with you whether it's Jewish guilt or werewolf guilt. George: They're pretty much the same thing.

Ghost Town

Gilbert: So, what's it like living with Mitchell and his mate? Annie: Yeah, it's great... Gilbert: Don't you find it a bit... violent? Annie: Violent...? Gilbert: You know... when they... kill people? Annie: Oh! No no no, they don't do that. Mitchell's on the wagon; and George, you know, he restricts himself to the odd rat or squirrel in the woods and he never brings it home. Gilbert: That's still death for no reason. And death for no reason's murder. I'm a vegetarian. [Note: ghosts like Gilbert cannot eat.] Gilbert: HANG the DJ!!! That record came out in 1990! Annie: Who are you, the 80's police? Gilbert: No, just someone with taste.

Ghost Town

George: And where have you been young lady?. Annie: I met up with Gilbert. We went to the cemetery. Mitchell: He knows how to show a girl a good time(!).

Ghost Town

Annie: I'd like to be like his guardian angel and stop anything bad from happening to him. Gilbert: Can you stop him from listening to Michael Bublé?

Ghost Town

Oh okay, so I'm contemplating resolving my death so that I can move on to the next dimension and you're worrying about getting your leg over?

Ghost Town

George: Oh Annie, I really like this woman and it would be so nice to spend an evening with her without worrying about her discovering the existence of the spirit world as well as what I am. Annie: Loads of people have had an experience with a ghost, and if they haven't they know someone who has. It is a lot more socially acceptable than you may think. They talk about it on Loose Women all the time.

Ghost Town

George: [shouts] I had sex with Nina last night and it was bloody marvellous! [laughs with glee] Mitchell: [Takes George to one side] Annie was killed by Owen. George: [Sighs] Five minutes. Could I not have had five minutes with The Biggest News?

Another Fine Mess

We meet people, and fall in love. But when we part, they leave marks for us to remember them by. Our lovers sculpt us, they define us for better or worse. Like a pin ball we slam into them and rebound in a different direction, repealed by the contact. And after the parting we might be scarred, but stronger. Or, more fragile or needie or angry or guilty, but never unchanged. Our lovers linger beside us like ghosts, haunting the corridors and deserted rooms, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming. Invisible, but always there.

Another Fine Mess

Where do I belong? Where do I fit? Who are my people? Where do my loyalties lie? We all choose our tribe. It's that need to belong, to live within boundaries, cause it's scary on the outside, on the fringes. Some labels are forced on us. They mock us, set us apart 'til we're like ghosts, drifting through other people's lives. But only if we let the labels hold. You can piss your whole life away trying out who you might be. It's when you've worked out who you are that you can really start to live.

Another Fine Mess

Annie: You look like bar staff. George: Fair enough, the last time I wore it someone did ask me if the jalfrezi was off.

Another Fine Mess

Mitchell: So, this "not-a-date"... tonight's the night you're gonna tell her you cross-dress? George: [to Annie] Er... you agree with him? Annie: It's hideous. George: Oh, well... I kept the receipt...

Another Fine Mess

Annie: For all I know this could be perfectly normal. You find out your fiancé killed you, you become a... "throwing-things-about" ghost. Mitchell: Poltergeist. Annie: See, you know the terms, you know how this works. I mean, do you know if I can channel it because I have been dying to pull that fridge out and clean behind it.

Another Fine Mess

George: Last night, I had the wolf in me... Mitchell: (whispering to Annie) So did Nina. George: Stop snickering, this is not a joke! I really, really like Nina, and I thought - well, ha-ha, I hoped! - that she liked me. But what if she's only interested in the wolf? Annie: (considering) Hmm... George: Oh! Oh thank you for "Oh no George, how could that be possible?"!

Another Fine Mess

Bernie: Who are they? Mitchell: Are you serious? They're Laurel and Hardy! Bernie: Was the fat one Prime Minister? George: You might be thinking of Churchill. Annie: Or Hitler - same 'tache.

Another Fine Mess

I can't believe he's never heard of Laurel and Hardy! Immortality makes me feel so old.

Another Fine Mess

George: What else have you got up there, some German scat inside Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Annie: How many times have you watched it? Mitchell: I've never even seen any scat. Oh well, just that first time, to see what it was...

Another Fine Mess

I'm not the pervert, that's my housemate. And actually, he's not a pervert either.

Another Fine Mess

Who keeps their rotten tomatoes? Who looks in their salad cooler, sees their tomatoes are on the turn and thinks 'oh no, no I'll hang on to those in case some paedos move in opposite'?

Another Fine Mess

Saying 'it's not you, it's me' is a stabbable offence in my book and I can easily get my hands on scalpels.

Where The Wild Things Are

We meet people, and fall in love, and when we part they leave marks for us to remember them by. Our lovers sculpt us, they define us, for better or worse. Like a pinball, we slam into them and rebound in our different directions, propelled by the contact, and after the parting we might be scared, stronger or more fragile, or needy, or angry, or guilty, but never unchanged. Our lovers linger inside us, like ghosts, haunting the corridors and deserted rooms, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming, but always there, waiting...

Where The Wild Things Are

George: More jam? Annie: How many is that now? George: That's eleven jars. I wonder what it is about us that says we need jam. Annie: It's a gesture. They feel guilty. George: Yeah. So is writing “paedo” on the front door.

Where The Wild Things Are

I should have known not even death could be a match for one of your sulks. I mean, that's what this is, isn't it? It's the Isle of Wight all over again!

Where The Wild Things Are

Being human means being mortal. It means dying. You can't rob people of that.

Where The Wild Things Are

The vampires are mobilising. Oh, they're making it sound all New Labour, but this is an invasion! It's a coup!

Where The Wild Things Are

George: My thing is a part time thing. Josie: Oh right. I thought perhaps you were a wizard or something. George: A wizard? [Laughs] That's ridiculous. Josie: Trust me, once you've dated a vampire you tend to have a different criteria for what's ridiculous.

Where The Wild Things Are

I'm looking for something to defend myself with. So far I have a whisk and I have...my mobile phone recharger. [Mimes hitting with each in turn, then throws them down and runs back into the kitchen] What do we take, I mean do...do we take crosses and-and-and-and garlic? I know, we should have watched more films!

Where The Wild Things Are

Annie: I'm a ghost actually. Seth: Get out! Can you, like, move things about and...walk from one room to another? George: Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone can do that. Seth: Shut it, Digby! The only reason why I haven't torn your bastard face off yet...is because I've just done the hoovering in here.

Where The Wild Things Are

Seth: Did you just hit me with a chair?! Annie: Yes! Sorry! Seth: What is wrong with you people? That totally, fucking hurt!

Where The Wild Things Are

That was pathetic! We were like the world's gayest ninjas!

Where The Wild Things Are

[holding a chair aloft as Annie and he confront the vampires] Who wants some of my chair?!?

Where The Wild Things Are

Well he won't be staring at my tits when he speaks to me anymore.

Where The Wild Things Are

Mitchell: But you saved us! Lauren: [Pleading] So save me.

Where The Wild Things Are

Annie: Oh, this is ridiculous! Mitchell: You're lucky. Most people don't get a chance to say goodbye. Annie: I know, but... fucking hell! George: You might want to have different last words.

Where The Wild Things Are

Annie: [Saying her farewells to Mitchell] Don't kill anyone! Mitchell: Good tip. Annie: Write that down.

Where The Wild Things Are

Annie: There's a question you haven't asked yourself yet. If I exist, what else does? You think you're the big bad wolf? You should see George on a full moon. Annie: You think you're a cold-blooded murderer? Mitchell was killing 80 years before you were even born. Annie: Don't you get it yet? I'm just the tip of the iceberg; I'm good cop. Look at you, so pleased with your grubby little murder. Fact is when it comes to pure naked evil, you're an amateur. I want you to know you wandered off the path. This is where the wild things are and we have got your scent now. We can find you at the edge of the earth and create unimaginable tortures...and now I'm gonna tell you the very worst thing in the world. Something only the dead know... Owen: [scared, crying] That's not true! Annie: I saw it. My advice to you: find a safe place, with locks, and bad dogs...and never, ever turn out the light.

Where The Wild Things Are

Police Officer: How can I help you, sir? Owen: I need you to keep me safe! Police Office: All right. (takes out a form and a pen) Have you been threatened by someone? Owen: I killed my girlfriend. And now she lives with with what I think is...is a werewolf...and a vampire and they're gonna torture me so I need to find somewhere safe! Police officer: I see. Well, in that case...we're going to need a different form.

Bad Moon Rising

It was nothing really, just a small good deed in the darkness. But fate is always playing the long-game. They were just two souls united by fear and solitude. Lost in the dark. Fate pushed them together and now they were going to find out why.

Bad Moon Rising

Mark: If you're non-believers that's fine, we can just sit together for a few moments of quiet contemplation. George: Contemplation about what? Mark: The fiery oblivion that awaits all atheists? George: Oh, it's not that. I'm Jewish and... [gestures to Mitchell] he's complicated. Mark: Jewish people pray. I've seen Yentl. George: You're very sarcastic for a vicar. Mark: Yeah, so people tell me and I feel very bad about it, then I forgive myself.

Bad Moon Rising

Mark: Let me talk to them. George: Yes, good idea. Mark: Oh! I was kinda hoping you'd say 'no'.

Bad Moon Rising

George: Say something religious. Mark: Christ!

Bad Moon Rising

George, George, it's fine. I'm not here to do anything to Mitchell. I mean, we'll get him but there's no hurry.

Bad Moon Rising

Avoid the hot chocolate.

Bad Moon Rising

George: [To Herrick] I thought the whole undertaker thing was just a front? Herrick: Oh it is. That's Nanna, she's one of us. She sits there, reads the brochures. Good for appearances. [To the old lady] You alright Nanna? Nanna: Oh, yes! Herrick: Had an affair with Hitler didn't you dear? Nanna: Oh, yes! George: Someone actually recruited an old woman? Herrick: Well, you know how it is. You're out and about, you get the munchies, you'll eat anything.

Bad Moon Rising

Cara: Herrick came for me and now I have the blood of the ancestors. Ten thousand years of majesty and glory. Annie: Well, congratulations on mastering the whole speaking like a twat thing.

Bad Moon Rising

So a werewolf, a ghost and a vampire decide to live like humans do. They get jobs, a house and a TV license. They make friends they will lie to, take lovers they will infect-in fact, the only part of humanity they successfully adopt is its ability to deceive and destroy. All in all I'd say your little scheme has been something of a failure.

Bad Moon Rising

[To Herrick] Haven't you worked it out yet? Humanity is about love and sacrifice. This doesn't rob me of my humanity... [Stands upright, to illustrate his point] It proves it.

Bad Moon Rising

Annie: What happens next, Mitchell? George: Yeah, is it over? Are we safe now? Mitchell: Maybe Herrick was right, maybe some else will pick up where he left off.

Bad Moon Rising

Professor Jaggat... we've found them.

Cure and Contagion

George: I meant to ask, have you started dunking biscuits into your tea now? Annie: It was the logical next step. George: Dunking biscuits you can't eat into tea you can't drink is the logical next step?

Cure and Contagion

Annie: Okay, shut up! I'm gonna tell you. I have applied for a job. George: As what? Annie: Well, it's something that I've always fancied. George: Marrying Colin Firth isn't, strictly speaking, a job. Annie: They're advertising for bar staff at the New Found Out. Mitchell: The pub? That's the job you've always fancied? Jesus, aim for the stars.

Cure and Contagion

[to Annie] Well, your first week's wages are going on HobNobs.

Cure and Contagion

[Sarcastically] The disembodied spirit of a dead woman is getting a job in the service industry. What could possibly go wrong?

Cure and Contagion

George: It's not about you any more, so there's nothing left for you to do. You're like a piece of um...deadly furniture. Mitchell: Did you just call me deadly furniture?

Cure and Contagion

It's a lot to take in. I mean werewolves, ghosts, vampires. I didn't even believe in homeopathy before this.

Cure and Contagion

Mitchell: Look, are you okay? Lucy: I was a house officer at the Whittington in London. I had a boyfriend, a goldfish, a flat with a garden. When it was someone's birthday at work we'd have wine in mugs and eat Twix fingers and, do you know what? It was lovely. But because I am an idiot and because it was a promotion, I gave it all up and me and my goldfish moved here, where the doctors have an acronym for unattractive female patients; IWEJF - 'I wouldn't even jizz in her face'. And last night, I got home and my goldfish was gone - no body, no note, nothing. So no, I'm really not okay. Mitchell: Do you have a cat? Because chances are, that's what ate the goldfish. Lucy: I don't, but if I did I think I would have made that connection. Mitchell: A cat must have got in somehow. Lucy: Yeah, actually, could you just sort of piss off for a bit? [Pushes him out through the door. Mitchell pauses for a moment, then goes back in, annoyed] Mitchell: As my best friend so kindly pointed out to me t

Cure and Contagion

One day you, the Professor and I will sit and take tea together and gaze up at a full and harmless moon. That will be our reward.

Cure and Contagion

Annie: Hey, there's a werewolf called Nina in Buffy! Nina: I've never seen it. Annie: No well, I stopped watching it once, you know, I started living it.

Cure and Contagion

Annie: Why don't you just use the phone at my house? I'm only up the road. Hugh: Well, I don't think that's such a good idea Annie. Saul: [Joking] Yeah he's right, I might murder you. Annie: [Laughs] Oh, plenty have tried.

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

Mitchell: Someone's been sick in the shop. Some days it's all about the poo but today everyone's...being...sick. Lucy: So, that was weird. Mitchell: I don't know how to talk to you. I know I came on too strong the other day but now...Oh my god, I've become my flatmate. Lucy: Okay, look, the replacement goldfish you gave me-- Mitchell: Trevor. Lucy: I love him. We have such a laugh. He was the perfect gesture. And...and that's the speed I'm comfortable with, not forever, but just until I get my head... [Sighs.] Trevor was genius. Mitchell: So...what do we do now? Do I buy you another goldfish? Lucy: No, no, see you've gone weird again. How about a coffee?

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

Mitchell: Let me go. I've changed my mind. Carl: That's tough. Mitchell: I'm not ready. Carl: I remember saying that when I was tied to the chair. Mitchell: Just let me out, let me go out onto the street and we can start tomorrow. Carl: We've already started Mitchell. Mitchell: Dan! Let me out! Let me out you queer or I'll rip your throat out! Rargh! Carl: Apologise. Mitchell: Piss off!! Carl: Mitchell, please apologise. Mitchell: (hangs his head) I'm sorry, Dan. I'm so sorry. Dan: Are you OK? Carl: Yes, just leave us. Mitchell: How long is this gonna take? Carl: Depends, maybe six months. Mitchell: Why are you doing this? Carl: Because it's what you'd do for me.

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

I'm pretty sure 'werewolf' didn't come up when I spoke to my careers teacher, but life is full of disappointments.

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

Mitchell: One of the times I tried to properly quit drinking blood, I was living with this vampire, Carl. And he helped me. He's been clean for, what-- I don't know-- twenty years now-- George: You...um, sorry. You lived with someone...before me? Mitchell: ...What? Yeah, lots of people. George: But--Who?! Mitchell: ...Vampires? People-people, I don't know! George: Peo--oh, well, that's it. Mitchell: Oh, god. Don't get all-- George: What? What? Mitchell: You! Don't get all you about this. Of course I've lived with other people. You think I've spent the past hundred years waiting for you and your...three different kinds of upholstery cleaner to show up?!

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

George: You are being careful aren't you? Annie: Thanks, but I think I'm a bit old and dead for the contraception conversation.

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

Annie: Hugh is like a brother to me. George: Oh, promise me you'll never tell him that. Annie: I think he's really sweet. George: Really sweet? Oh my God! Why not just stab him in the face? A brother? Annie, trust me, the only man who'd ever want to hear that is your actual brother.

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

Okay, two rules for Ivan's car: no food or drink and I get to choose the music and tonight we shall be listening to Miss Kate Bush.

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

[to Mitchell] He's your murdering fugitive. If you want to keep him, then you have to look after him.

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

What is it with me and volatile, unsuitable men? Be honest, am I Ulrika Jonsson?

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

Mitchell: Fifty years and still the same car? Ivan: Been keeping her in storage, you know what it's like. If it goes, has a good body and you like being inside it, why get rid of it? It's a recipe for a happy marriage, too.

Serve God, Love Me and Mend

Ivan: You think this ends tonight? [laughs] This is just the beginning. Today it's Carl, tomorrow it's someone else. It's like I said, you're sliding into chaos and there's no safety net now. They've been in hiding since Herrick died but they're gonna get hungry soon, then you're going to be waking up to headlines about vampires. Mitchell: If we did declare ourselves, but not the way Herrick wanted, but if we could just stop hiding. Ivan: What, are you imagining some kind of peaceful co-existence? It'd be chaos! Worldwide panic. Good news for religion, mind, especially Christianity. There'd be standing room only in the churches all of a sudden. And as soon as they knew about vampires, they'd know about werewolves, they'd know about ghosts. They'd be next. And when humanity had finally finished with us, it would turn on itself. First the other religions, massively in the minority now, then the homosexuals, the disabled...do you want to know what the future looks like? Enforced worship i

Long Live The King

Your teeth will be smashed from your skull as a warning to other devils, then your head will be removed from your body and... [turns to the back of the warrant] no, that's it actually.

Long Live The King

Strangely, being invisible makes purchasing pyramid teabags a touch awkward.

Long Live The King

Annie: "My heart yearns for your fragrant hair"? George: That's private! Annie: Does she have fragrant hair? George: Yes. I'm a terrible poet and a terrible boyfriend. Annie: What's the last line? "Because you're worth it"?

Long Live The King

Annie: It's not interfering, it's more like regime change. George: Oh, because that's never gone wrong.

Long Live The King

Do you people have any FUCKING idea who I am!? My name is John Mitchell, and I've killed more people than you've met!

Long Live The King

Annie: We're like detectives - Crockett and Tubbs. George: Or Randall and Hopkirk deceased.

Long Live The King

George: You don't buy any food. You never hoover. I don't think you even know what a pair of Marigolds is! Mitchell: I don't do Marigolds.

Long Live The King

Annie: We need to talk. So, George, you start. George: [to Mitchell] Are you okay? Mitchell: I've been better. You? George: Likewise. Mitchell: We should just go out one night and just get hammered. George: Yeah, that's a good idea. Annie: That's it? That's how you share? George: What more is there to say? Mitchell: Yeah, he's feeling a bit down, which is pretty understandable and I'm kind of stressed. We don't need to turn this into an episode of Oprah. George: Exactly! File it under 'have discussed'. Mitchell: George do you wanna watch The Real Hustle? George: Oh I would really like that Mitchell. [to Annie] Women - think you're such authorities, like the way you deal with emotion is the only way. Mitchell: It's not on! George: Er, yeah it is. It's on at 10:30. Mitchell: No, they moved it. George: They what?! No, you're kidding me?! Mitchell: Oh I don't believe it! George: No, I was looking forward to that. Mitchell: 10:30 Thursdays. That's 'Real Hustle' time. A fucking child knows t

Educating Creature

Annie: I'll haunt you! Sykes: You can't haunt another ghost. Annie: I'll give it a damn good go!

Educating Creature

George: There must be some other reason for chatting you up, like access to drugs. Mitchell: She's a doctor! She can steal her own drugs. George: Ah, so she's on drugs. That makes perfect sense. Mitchell: You see, it's pep talks like this I'm really going to miss.

Educating Creature

George: This can't be happening to me! This can't! I teach language! Mitchell: [Fighting a snigger] You could teach...bad language!

Educating Creature

"Mr. Sands Suck Cocks"? For God's sake! It's "Mr. Sands Sucks Cocks" - singular, not plural. Have I taught you nothing?

Educating Creature

[after George has stormed out] WOW! Clearly someone's been watching a little too much Gordon Ramsay!

The Looking Glass

Mitchell: What? There's no vampires in London? Herrick: Yeah, but their head guy and I don't, erm...I sort of killed his Mum.

The Looking Glass

Police Officer: [To Mitchell] You! Get up!! Mitchell: It's the library books, isn't it?

The Looking Glass

Annie: [To George] What's he done? George: How far back do you want to go?

The Looking Glass

George: What's your cat's name, Molly? Molly: Molly. George: Your cat's called Molly and you're called Molly? Molly: My Dad really liked the name. Do you like cats? George: Yeah, I couldn't eat a whole one though. [To himself] Who am I kidding? Of course I could.

The Looking Glass

Josie: I'm not scared of you...at least not as scared as I probably should be. Mitchell: Yeah. You should be terrified. You should be begging for fucking mercy. Josie: I should be married to David Bowie.

The Looking Glass

George: What is that? Annie: A baby. It's one of mine. George: How long have I been gone?!

The Looking Glass

[To Professor Jaggat] You know one of the few things I like about you is that you don't call supper 'tea'. There are many things I hate in this modern world: secularism, showbiz news, but tea is barbaric.

The Looking Glass

George: My mother's maiden name is Herod, my internet password is 'password1', I'm indifferent about all competitive sports, and I prefer lager to beer. I don't understand fishing. What is fishing? I'm scared of cancer, I voice hypocritical objections to drive-through takeaways and I lost my virginity on a canal boat in Tring. Sam: Favourite colour? George: That would be gamboges - it's a kind of orangey brown.

The Looking Glass

Mitchell: You're not scared of me? Jaggat: No, at least probably not as much as I should be. Mitchell: What did you say?

In The Morning

Annie: George, I didn't think you would seriously go through with it. I thought the moment would just pass. You know, like when you decided you were gonna wear skinny jeans. Mitchell: Skinny jeans? George: That was a private conversation. Mitchell: Skinny jeans, George? Seriously? George: It...it was a moment of madness. Annie: No, this is a moment of madness! You cannot move in with someone you've just started dating! Tell him, Mitchell! Mitchell: Skinny jeans, George?!? George: Yes, yes, alright...look, where the hell were you last night? Mitchell: I was with Lucy. We, er...we finally, um...you know. Decided to, em... Annie: Oh, this is like the problem pages of Just 17. You had sex, Mitchell. Sex. Mitchell: Yeah.

In The Morning

Robin: Christmas 1998. Faulty panto pyrotechnic. One minute I'm standing in the wings watching Widow Twankey belt out a chorus of "La Vida Loca" the next? Bang! Flat out on my back with every hair on my body standing to attention. Annie: Gosh, that's awful. Robin: It was a terrible shock. Annie: Yeah, I bet it was. Robin: No, I mean literally. It was a terrible shock. That's what killed me.

In The Morning

Annie: You can say it, George. I'm not gonna cry or anything. George: We've found a new house and we're gonna stay there tonight. Annie: [Annie starts to sob] Oh, God!

In The Morning

I'm just one step away from wiping out an entire branch of Argos.

In The Morning

Mitchell: Look. You just spread the word, OK. I want everyone there. Ivan: Just leave it to me. I've got most of them on my Twitter feed, so...

In The Morning

Mitchell: Ivan, I've met someone. I can't be with her and be part of this. I know it's a big ask. I know it's a huge favor, but I can't. She's my way out of this chaos. This could be my last chance and if I get...Oh, forget it! It doesn't matter. Ivan: You should have said it was about love. I get it now. We all lead long and appalling lives. But I have my Daisy. Everyone deserves a Daisy.

Damage

[To George] You know, it's like you're still there. Sat in that house with Mitchell, watching The Real Hustle, surrounded by cups of cold tea.

Damage

Nina: They might have a cure. George: For what? Nina: Cystitis. What do you think?!

Damage

Right, so we have a defrocked priest and a mad scientist. No, no alarm bells ringing so far.

Damage

Mitchell: Daisy needs closure. And she's decided that the best way of getting that is by cutting your throat. Daisy: It's healthy to turn anger outward, you see.

Damage

Mitchell: Ah no, not him again. I thought he moved out! He's always fucking here. George: Oh god. Are you drunk? I hate it when you're drunk. Listen, I need to tell you something important and you'll probably want to have a wrestle, but, uh, listen. I'm going to that place with Nina and the priest and Professor Jaggat. Annie: And I'm going to go with him. George: Yeah. So, ah— Mitchell: Good. Piss off. 'Cause I'm getting really sick of your dog hairs on my clothes.

Damage

Mark: I could save you. Mitchell: Excuse me? Mark: I saw you in the hospital. The way George looked at you when you were dying. This isn't that man. Mitchell: I don't get saved.

All God's Children

Lucy Jaggat: I saw Amy McBride this morning. Kemp: Amy McBride is dead. Lucy Jaggat: She spoke to me. She said, "It's coming." Kemp: What is? Lucy Jaggat: Retribution, my stuff from Amazon... she didn't go into detail.

All God's Children

He's a 116-year-old mass murderer, not a fucking gerbil!

All God's Children

Nina: We could play I Spy. George: Oh, no. Nina: I spy, with my little eye... George: Please. Please don't do this! Nina: Live with it. It's happening.

All God's Children

[To Lucy] You have such a reductive view on the world. You say God made man in His own image. But what if that included His rage, and His spite, and His indifference, and His cruelty? God created all of us, we are all God's children... but God's a bit of a bastard. [Smiles] Look at us both. Covered in other people's blood and talking about morality... but there's one difference between you and me: You had a choice.

All God's Children

Nina: I've got one of your books. 600 pages of utter bullshit! Lucy Jaggat: Did you keep the receipt?

All God's Children

It was Inch High Private Eye that led her here.

All God's Children

George: What happens now, Mitchell? What do we do? Mitchell: We're going to get her back.

Lia

George: Is it soundproof? It's just, um, I can get pretty.. "Rarr! Rarr!".. when I'm working out. "Feel the burn", "Who's your daddy?"... "Say what you see..." Nina: Oh god.

Lia

Mitchell: Annie was there. She was on the screen. George: What? You're kidding? Nina: Is she okay? What did she say? Mitchell: We're running out of time. George: Um, it's our friend, she's er...she's in... Midsummer Murders.

Lia

Nina: [In lingerie, with a new haircut, to George] Ahem... What do you think? Nina: Mm? I had a little left over from the food shop, and I thought it might be nice to have something for y'know, us. Hence... [gestures to hair] and hence... [gestures to lingerie]... It was either that or off-peak gym membership. George: You made absolutely the right decision. Nina: Really? George: Ow! Nina: What? What? [George tries to get something that was poking him] What is that? George: Pen... Hello. Nina: Hello. Nina: Ow! Hair, stuck, glasses...! George: Oh is it? Oh, shit, sorry. Oh hang on, it's really tangled. Nina: George! Eee, ow. George: Shhh, don't pull away! Nina: Quickly!... Oh.... George: You alright? Nina: Yeah, fine. George: Right. Where were we?... Hello. Nina: Hello... Mitchell: Have you got a radio? George: What?! Mitchell: I need a radio. I have an idea. [Mitchell climbs over them to grab the radio on the table next to them] Nina: Ow, ow, Mitchell! George: What are you doing?! Mitch

Lia

Mitchell: Have we met before? Lia: H-12 Mitchell: H-12? What does that mean? Lia: It's a riddle. I love riddles, don't you? Like the one about the midget. So, there's this midget who gets into a lift and— I've just given away the answer. Am I rambling?

Lia

Mitchell: I'm not a victim. Lia: So you're what? What? "Misunderstood"? Mitchell: I'm an animal! I don't deserve mercy or forgiveness! I'm a murderer! I couldn't help myself; I loved it. The sensation, the power... I was dead but I never felt so alive. I wasn't human anymore. I lost my conscience, I was free, and that's what I was addicted to. I hacked my way through the world... I left a trail of blood, a thousand miles long... and I loved it. I'm a disease. I'm a plague. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Lia

Lia: You can have Annie back. But there's a price. Mitchell: I'll stay. I want you to take me to all my victims. I want to feel it. I want to suffer. I don't want to hide anymore. I just want her back. Lia: It's not that simple. The time and cause of your death have already been set. But there are things that need to happen first. You see, you're the final piece in someone else's story. And they need to complete their journey and in order to do that... they have to kill you. Mitchell: What? Lia: You're gonna be killed by a werewolf. A wolf-shaped bullet. Bang! Mitchell: Who?

Lia

Annie: And, um, will I come back here one day? Lia: Well. We all end up here eventually. The problem with you was you came through the wrong door. But next time you'll come through the right one and it'll be Boggle and Pina Coladas 24-7. Spit spot! Mitchell's waiting. Is anything going on between you guys? I mean he came to purgatory to find you. Puts my ex-boyfriend's tattoo into perspective.

Lia

My name is Annie Clare Sawyer and two years ago I died. But in so many ways, that's when my life began. In the company of horrors, I learned about friendship and loyalty, sacrifice and courage. Humanity isn't a species, it's a state of mind. It can't be defeated, it moves mountains, it saves souls. We were blessed as much as we were cursed. In this little enclave of the lost I witnessed the very best of being human.

Adam's Family

Nina: [after chasing Adam through the hospital] And where do you think you're going? Adam: Oh... I thought I'd try my luck in Haematology.

Adam's Family

George: Home sweet home. Adam: It's a shit hole. George: Yes, but it's our shit hole so show some manners.

Adam's Family

Mitchell? Is that another ghost? A bloody Hogwart's, this place.

Adam's Family

Annie: Tell her how much you enjoy the work. Mitchell: Oh, this is... ah... Annie: That you were inspired by Florence Nightingale to bring cleanliness to the wards. Mitchell: Oh, god— Annie: Don't say God, she might be religious. Mitchell: Shit! Annie: God is better. Mitchell: It isn't a complicated job! I've done it before, I can do it again. What more is there to say?! Oh.

Adam's Family

So this is what all the fuss is about. You know, I expected some demon. What do I find? The last Russell Brand in the shop.

Adam's Family

Adam: I think you need a new wingman. I, sir, am a registered poon hound. George: Have you ever actually had sex, Adam? You know, proper, balls-deep sex? You touched a boob? Be honest with me, Adam. have you ever even touched a boob? Because I have! Loads!

Adam's Family

George: I'm sure he'll settle right in there. I mean they do have a massive telly. Nina: Oof. Ginormous. George: The whole house, it was furnished to the highest standards. Nina: Yeah. And so clean. George: It was immaculate. I mean, Richard and Emma themselves were slightly, what? Eccentric perhaps... Nina: I'd go for "unreconstructed." George: Really? Nina: Yeah. George: Would you? Nina: Mm. George: And, well... kinky. Nina: Filthy. Just arseholes. George: A pair of complete and utter kinked-up, filthy racist arseholes. Nina: We've just left a vulnerable young boy with a pair of, not only instinctive killers, but heinous pervs. George: Do you realize I'm zipping my coat up and going back there. Nina: Yeah. And I'm going with you.

Adam's Family

Richard: You come in here with your ridiculous blunt morality and you understand nothing of his world, nothing of his needs! Tell you what, let's leave it to Adam, eh? So Adam, what's it to be? A life of comfort, privilege and all the pleasures that a young man could ever dream of. Or hardship, desperation and hunger. Adam: I choose them. George: You may need to be a bit more specific. Adam: Oh, yeah, I mean you. George and Nina, I choose you.

Type 4

George: What have we got? Mitchell: A drunk, dead woman. Shouting. George: That's not a ghost. I can smell her. Mitchell: What, from here? George: Oh yeah. Even without the whole wolf thing. Annie: Well of course you can smell her. She's got a body! [they look at her] I'm sure I mentioned that.

Type 4

Mitchell: So what do we call you? Sasha: Anything you like, sweetheart. [Annie yanks her hair with the straighteners] Annie: Oh! Oh, sorry. Look, you got caught there. Caught a bit of your hair, sorry. Sasha: Don't worry, babe. I can tell you're not used to a beauty regime.

Type 4

I only got up for a pee!

Type 4

Mitchell: I don't think it was just Sasha. There's four subject sheets here. All came back to life, all at the same time. I think they were testing them. Trying to find out what they were, how they worked, if it could spread. I think they were scared. Annie: [staring in horror at footage on a digital camera of a conscious, screaming zombie being dissected by surgeons] I know the feeling. Did it say anything about anaesthetic in there? Mitchell: Yeah. "Anaesthetic ineffective." How did you know? Annie: They did it anyway. What did they do with them afterwards? Mitchell: [slowly realising the extent of the situation] Incinerated them...as a health hazard. Annie: Were they still alive, when they burned them?

Type 4

Mitchell: We owe her, George. George: We owe her? Why do we owe her? Mitchell: She came back to life two weeks ago. All of them did, when I was on the other side. Annie: Saving me. Nina: So. Hang on, what are we saying? That Death's Door was engaged? Annie: Her spirit couldn't pass over because of me. Mitchell: We made her. We owe her, all of us do.

Type 4

Sasha: It all falls away. The looks, money. Lovers, friends. Annie: Not all your friends. Sasha: No. Not all your friends. And the ones that are there at the end, they're the real ones, aren't they? Annie: Yeah. Yeah. Sasha: Thank you. For being my friend, Annie...

Type 4

George, would you like...to have...a little...hairy baby with me?

The Pack

McNair: Do you know what you're doing? Nina: I'm a nurse. We need to get him to the hospital. McNair: I can stitch that back up at the truck. Come on, Tom. You can walk. Nina: What, in the tetanus mobile? Are you kidding?

The Pack

McNair: You know what I don't understand? Is what a clean and kind girl like you is doing with a vampire. Annie: How did you know?! McNair: I see things. Live the life we do, pays to know who's safe and who's a threat. Annie: Look. My first boyfriend took naked photos of me while I was asleep and put them on the internet. My second boyfriend got drunk and asked my mum for a threesome. My third boyfriend pushed me down the stairs and killed me. So I think a vampire's pretty much...marriage material, given my track record.

The Pack

George: How come we didn't tear each other apart? Annie: Well, it was really quite sweet actually. I mean after the wolves finished trying to kill Mitchell, George just kind of padded around you all protective. And then the other two stayed on the other side kind of wrestling around and marking their territory.

The Pack

McNair: Maybe they are your pack. Tom: I think they've got their own pack. No - Limehead in Cornwall's where I want to go. McNair: You can take the truck. I'll be all right. Tom: We still need to find a distributor cap. Plus you need to teach me how to drive.

The Longest Day

George: Mitchell! What are we going to do. Mitchell: Stake him. [he runs out of the room] Nina: What did he say?

The Longest Day

Nina: You arrive late. Bombed on bloody Red Bull. Talking a load of inconsequential guff about Druids and kitchen units. And now you accuse me of...of what? Fraudulently inventing a vulnerable relative just to cover up the fact that you've deleted his records! Wendy: I didn't delete a— Nina: Doorstepped by the tabloids is gonna seem like a walk in the park when I'm done with you. What's your manager's number, Wendy? I am gonna unleash a shitstorm!

The Longest Day

You're the best friend I've ever had. And probably ever will have. But I will turn my back on you. I will wipe you from my memory and I will never mention your name again. I will never tell my son or daughter that I had a friend called Mitchell. It will be as if we'd never met. That's it. Now you make your choice.

The Longest Day

Herrick: Give me a clue, little lady. Chuck me a bone. What are you? Annie: What am I? On to you, that's what I am. I'm on to you, little man.

Daddy Ghoul

Herrick: You know the Old Ones, they kill at will. But they don't recruit lightly. In fact, most of them only do it once. They choose a protège. It's an eternal bond. Mitchell: I don't need a protège. Herrick: It isn't always about you. Why do you think some of us live forever and others are like...fireflies? Mitchell: Because some of us are smart and some of us are stupid. Herrick: If you choose an heir, they inherit all your secrets. They become a dark angel. Your protector. Your saviour. Mitchell: Saviour from what? Herrick: Oh. Perhaps a fate we've been led to belief there is no salvation from. Mitchell: So...if something happens to you... Herrick: They can bring you back. Mitchell: And that's possible? Herrick: That and so much more. Mitchell: So you want me to be your heir?

Daddy Ghoul

Nina: Hello. George: I like watching you sleep. I look at you and I think, "She's mine. She's all mine." Nina: Hm. That's sweet. Creepy and slightly Ted Bundy-esque. But sweet.

Daddy Ghoul

George, Sr.: George? My god. I don't, I can't— I don't dare believe it. My god, George. I thought you were dead. I thought I'd never see you again. I hoped...I prayed. I dreamt, but I never actually— Here you are. You've come back. You've come back to me. Say something to your old man. George: I've missed you, Dad.

Daddy Ghoul

Mitchell: Annie, can we just forget about it? Annie: Forget about it? Someone is trying to link you to the murder of twenty innocent people, Mitchell. Mitchell: You heard what she said. It's probably nothing. Annie: And I might believe that, if you weren't so shaken by it. Annie: I know you, Mitchell.

Daddy Ghoul

DC Nancy Reed: I saw those men and women. Or...what was left of them. All I want to do is help catch the bastard that butchered them. Cooper: And you will, Nancy. You will.

Daddy Ghoul

George, Sr.: Ruth. Ruth, I need you to listen to me. Nina: That's much better. That's great. Very strong, very focused. George, Sr.: I'm the one you should be with. Nina: Brilliant! George, Sr.: And the reasons for this are three-fold - Nina: Oh, again with the three-fold! George: Dad, you're not trying to secure her vote for the local election. We need to nail this.

Daddy Ghoul

George, Sr.: I'm gonna fly, Jack! I'm gonna fly! Nina: Did your dad just misquote Titanic ? George: Yeah. Just...don't ask.

Though The Heavens Fall

Cooper: So match one: Sheffield. Sally Fenzer. Severe head trauma. Body found by her flatmate. Nancy: Jesus, he's done this before? Cooper: Check the date. Annie: We really shouldn't be here. Nancy: Twenty-fourth of December...nineteen sixty? Annie: He used to be a very very different person. Nancy: There's no way whoever did this could just have the same prints as my guy? Cooper: Impossible. Cooper: Box Tunnel Massacre.

Though The Heavens Fall

Cooper: Don't worry. This isn't how you're going to die. I just needed to make you a little more receptive. See I'm going to give you a gift. You've been head-hunted, Nancy, for an exciting new opportunity. Think of it as evolutionary promotion. Annie: She's not interested.

Though The Heavens Fall

Herrick: I have something of a dilemma, Nina. Perhaps you can help me. Nina: Christ, you made me jump. What the hell happened here? And why are you wearing that? Herrick: See the thing is, your boyfriend tore me—literally—limb from limb. Now, aside from anything else, have you ever heard of anything so...undignified? [Chuckles, then puts his hand over Nina's mouth before she can shout for help] But the pain...was incredible. And I remember every moment. And so now, not unreasonably I think you'll agree, I want him to suffer. But not for moments. For days, weeks...months. And the best way of doing that, um, is to kill you. Here's my dilemma. You were kind to me. Everyone else in the house wanted me dead. Except for you...It's a knotty one, isn't it? Herrick: You're right. My quarrel is not with you. [He leaves. Nina gasps in relief and turns away to lean on the sink for support...and then Herrick quickly returns]. But then people would say I was going soft. [stabs Nina in the kidney]

The Wolf-Shaped Bullet

Annie: Lia, what's going on? You told me that I had to come straight here. That Mitchell was in danger. Lia: Oh, Annie. I made it up. Annie: You made it up? Lia: On the spot. I just wanted to screw with Mitchell's head. “The Wolf-Shaped Bullet." Annie: But why? Lia: Well, I wanted to drive a wedge between him and George and Nina. But instead of getting suspicious of them he got all worked up about the other two. Tom and...what was it? McIntyre? Macintosh? Well. Whatever. Oh Annie, you didn't really believe it, did you? I can't control people. I can't see the future. You've been watching too much TV. Annie: If there's no prophecy, then why is this happening? Lia: Well what you really need to worry about is the self-fulfilling prophecy, Annie. He made it come true. There really is a wolf-shaped bullet. That he carved his name on.

The Wolf-Shaped Bullet

He killed my Nina. And you killed all those people. You don't say my name now. You don't even look at me now. You are not my friend. You better go. Your boss is waiting.

The Wolf-Shaped Bullet

Annie: This is all just one big game to you, isn't it? Lia: This wasn't a game! This is revenge! He killed me. Let me tell you something about revenge. It isn't petulant or being a sore loser. It's righteous. A game ? Fuck you. This is what needs to happen. Revenge is about setting the world straight again. Annie: It didn't work though, did it? Lia: Well, I've still got you and I've still got him grief-stricken without you. Annie: I don't know who that man is. But I doubt you'll get much in the way of grief-stricken from him.

The Wolf-Shaped Bullet

Mitchell: You were the love of my long life. Annie: And you were the love of mine.

The Wolf-Shaped Bullet

[from outside] One, two, buckle my shoe; three, four, knock at the door; five, six, put down sticks!

The Wolf-Shaped Bullet

Wyndham: This is what is going to happen. Mitchell, you're coming with me. I think you're going to come in useful one day so this... martyrdom isn't an option. Wyndam: Sorry. You're going to dance for me. You are going to kill and rampage. [to Mitchell] You are going to be my attack dog. And the day that you say no is the day that I crucify George and Nina. In Regent's Park. [grins] What about the rest of you? What about...Annie? Now, I think you're more powerful than you imagine so I'm going to keep you around. Besides, [whispers to Annie] There are going to be a lot more ghosts soon. [to George and Nina] And then there are the history makers. A werewolf impregnated by another werewolf. We've never seen the like. The others want you culled. I'm the curious type. I want to see exactly what it is that's going to pop out. But there's something I want you to do in return. I want you to pass on a message. To every werewolf, every ghost, every vampire that you meet. You tell them this: the

Eve of the War

Ladies and gentlemen of the resistance, good evening. Oh, you'd have been so proud of your comrades. They put up quite a fight. But we slit their throats and stamped on their bones all the same. New York has fallen. The resistance have been crushed. The earth belongs to the vampires.

Eve of the War

Annie: I just think we need to talk about this first. George: What's to talk about? I thought you wanted me to stop moping. Annie: George, I meant have a shower, not...storm the Bat Cave!

Eve of the War

Leo: Together, we did the impossible. A werewolf, a vampire and a ghost. But this doesn't have to be the end for you. Remember this moment. Remember what we had. Hal: We will. Leo: We were on the outside of humanity so we could guard it. Do you understand? So we could guard it.

Eve of the War

[excitedly] We're all gonna die - Game Over - because of this baby! [assuming a serious air] I mean, we're all gonna die, because of this baby.

Eve of the War

George: Annie. It's okay. It's just the end of my story. I have to be with my Nina. Annie: Please, George. Please, not you as well, I can't. I can't lose you as well. George: You take care of her.

Being Human 1955

Tom: I ain't done nowt! Annie: You haven't done anything! Tom: Exactly! Annie: No, Tom, I'm not agreeing with you. Your grammar is appalling.

Being Human 1955

Annie: So, how do you all know each other? Pearl: We live together. Annie: You what? Pearl: I know it's a bit unusual. Annie: No, it's not that. It's just that, um...Well I... Pearl: Three supernaturals all under the same roof. Annie: Yes, exactly, and I... Pearl: I mean, a werewolf and a vampire becoming friends. It's unheard of, I suppose. Annie: Well no, actually. Not that unheard of, because I... Pearl: I think it's largely my influence. Annie: Interestingly enough, I... Pearl: Some might say I've done achieved the impossible. Annie: [Shouts] I did it! [Quieter] I'm sorry. Um, I did it. I did it too. It's not anything to shout about really, is it? But I did do it. Hal: What, there's a vampire here? Annie: Er... No, not exactly. Things have changed a lot for us recently, so... Pearl: Oh, that's a pity. Over 55 years and I've never had to change my line-up. Annie: Good.

Being Human 1955

All powerful and merciful Eve, we have come here today to ask you to assist our dear friend, Leo. We humbly beseech thee to restore him to health, drive away all illness and infirmary, strengthen him, raise him up so that he may... [Searches for missing paper] Ahem... Raise him up so that he may...stand on mountains. Raise him up so that he may walk on stormy seas. Let the road rise to meet him. Let the force be with him. Carpe diem. Veni, vidi, vici. Et tu, Brute. Dolce et Gabbana est. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen! Oh my God!!

Being Human 1955

Pearl: Oh. Is this the lady in the longjohns attacking my dress sense? Annie: I'm not attacking... Sorry, beg your pardon? Pearl: The carpets need a good clean. Annie: These are not longjohns, they're leggings. Pearl: And a bar in the living room? What message does that send out? Annie: And actually, I died in 2007 and I do still see people in them today, so...You know, actually, I was quite fashion forward with these...leggings. Pearl: We'll need to start using a new brand of tea. That stuff you make always looks very anaemic. Annie: [Holding back anger] There is nothing wrong with my tea.

Being Human 1955

Hal: God. Annie, yours is even better than mine. Annie: My what? Hal: Your mask.

The Graveyard Shift

Hal: Kill me. Seriously, kill me now. You can tell Annie I attacked you, or something. Tom: Maybe later, if you work really hard.

The Graveyard Shift

Annie: What happened to your face? Regus: My lunch fought back. I'd rather not talk about it. But who takes a crowbar with them when they walk the dog? I mean who does? That's just weird!

The Graveyard Shift

Regus: I think you need to feed me. Annie: You do know I'm dead, huh? So, you can try biting me, but all you're gonna get is an ice-cream headache.

The Graveyard Shift

You've got to go and hide somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Go to Bangor.

The Graveyard Shift

Michaela: Urgh, no offence, but, like, I'm into guys that are just a little bit more edgy. You know, a little bit more darkness about them. [Hal and Tom both laugh] Are you laughing at me? You'd better not be laughing at me! Tom: No, we weren't, honestly. Hal: Sorry, it's just, um, a private joke, you see. We're actually both quite dark in our own little ways. Tom: Yeah, but he's darker than me, I'm only dark occasionally.

The Graveyard Shift

Annie: [Frustrated with Tom and Hal ignoring her] Annie! How was your day? Oh, thank you. Thank you for asking, because it was a bit weird. I got stalked by a vampire in the park and then I pushed my sex memories into another vampire's sad little vampire brain. Ooh, that is weird Annie. Yes, I know. Thank you for asking. Tom: Is there something you'd like to tell us, Annie?

The Graveyard Shift

I cannot sleep in a barn, or a tent or a caravan or anywhere without central heating, carpets and Radio 4, and that should be on my list.

The Graveyard Shift

Hal: Look, I'm not sure what you were used to when George and, er Tina were around, but... Annie: Their names...were Nina...George...and Mitchell. And this was their home. And they were my friends. And they would have listened to me.

The Graveyard Shift

Hal: I used to ride a horse once. Michaela: What? What's that got to do with it? Hal: [Babbling] I had a sword. I was respected. Better than that, I was feared. Peasants had their backs flayed for looking at me funny. Tom: You alright Hal? Hal: It was brutal, but it worked. We had order, we had respect, and now, we have this. Tom: OK, then, mate. Let's go in the back and have a bit of a chat, shall we? Come on. Hal: And I had a shield. A red one!

The Graveyard Shift

Tom: What we watching? Hal: I don't know. Something about conmen. Tom: Anything else on?

A Spectre Calls

Hal: Please, don't do that, little baby. Help! Anyone! Tom: Annie's made a rota. Hal: I already have a rota. Tom: 7am, I feed the baby. 8am, You walk the baby. There's a task for every hour and it's colour coded. Hal: Little pictures of nappies and bottles. And Glitter. Hal: She's planned every moment of every minute of every day of our lives. Tom: We must destroy this.

A Spectre Calls

Hal: [Doing press-ups] 90...91... Annie: Hal? Hal: 92... Annie: Hal, um, It's 12 o'clock, so baby massage and stimulating story time. Hal: 98... 99... Annie: 100, Great! Um, Eve needs to... Hal: 102... 103... 104... Annie: Kirby's great, isn't he? Hal: 105... Annie: He's quite funny too. Annie: Now you're just showing off! Hal: I can't do twelve till one. Annie: Yes, but it's on the rota. Hal: Yes, but on my rota it says 12 o'clock, press-ups, then You and Yours on Radio 4. Annie: Oh! Hal: It's important. It keeps me... Annie: Buff? Hal: No. Annie: Up to date with consumer affairs? Hal: No, it keeps me from killing. Annie: Oh. Hal: And you've seen me. This is how I focus and control it. Annie: So you take it out on your pecs. Hal: Better them than humanity. Annie: Hal, we're meant to be a team. Hal: OK. Annie: And when you said humanity you meant... Hal: I'd kill everyone I encountered until I was sated. Barry, Cardiff, most of South Wales. Annie: Right. Not all bad, then. OK... [Hands

A Spectre Calls

Dr North: You look after the baby on your own do you? Tom: Umm... Annie: Hal! Get down here now! Dr North: Are you the baby's sole carer? Tom: Nope. It's not just me. Dr North: There's the baby's mother? Tom: Sort of, yeah. Dr North: Is everything all right here? Because you seem rather odd. Hal: What do you mean by that? Dr North: [sees Hal] Who are you? Hal: [Uncomfortable] I'm, um... Annie: Say it. Hal: I'm his...boyfriend. Tom: Yeah, me and him, we've... Hal: When you said rather odd, what were you implying? Dr North: That's he's a halfwit.

A Spectre Calls

I had no idea you were gay. Most of the gay couples I know have taste.

A Spectre Calls

You see evil is like travelling first class. Try it once and you can never go back.

A Spectre Calls

Woman: So Annie's really gone, has she? Kirby: Like a fart on the breeze.

A Spectre Calls

Is it me, or do I have the worst taste in men...ever?

A Spectre Calls

Annie: [Singing to Tom] Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! [To Hal] Come on, Hal. Hal: I don't sing.

Hold the Front Page

Adam warned me you were different. But never let it be said that Yvonne Bradshaw isn't "open minded". Our head of French is a member of Amnesty, so I know the drill.

Hold the Front Page

Yvonne: In modern parlance, one might say we are 'on the run'. Annie: Why, what've you done? Adam: Her. [indicates Yvonne]

Hold the Front Page

Annie: You know, when I was 16, a photographer told me I was pretty enough to be in a catalogue. Yeah, a catalogue, Hal. You don't hear me going on about it. Hal: I've only been here a few weeks, you've already told me twice.

Hold the Front Page

Listen, Count Dracula, don't think you'll get anywhere with her. She's mine. Our bedroom was like the Discovery Channel last night.

Hold the Front Page

Hal: You know, you remind me of a conquest back in Madrid in 1784. I wooed her with a thousand tulips. Adam: Well, that'd be your first mistake. [To Yvonne] You have awful hay fever, don't you? Yvonne: It's true. I'm a martyr to it.

Hold the Front Page

What's it going to be? Good cop, bad cop? I could be good cop, suddenly turned crazy, psycho ghost cop.

Hold the Front Page

Hal: You do know Tom's planning to build a swimming pool in the back garden? Annie: [Excited] Yes! Hal: You're in denial about it, aren't you? Annie: Yes! It's brilliant.

Hold the Front Page

Thomas, you're about to become very, very famous.

Puppy Love

Allison: Don't tell me you're still on MySpace? Hal: We're more Ceefax people.

Puppy Love

The last time somebody spoke to me like that, I used their skin as a Filofax cover. God, I miss the '80s!

Puppy Love

Kane: Shit happens. Life's a contact sport. If you can't stand the heat, stay inside on bonfire night. Cutler: What? Golda: He likes action films, don't ask.

Puppy Love

Allison: And you're condoning this?! Cutler: Well, we can't exactly go to Ofcom.

Puppy Love

Hal: Then it is time to declare your intentions! First, write her a poem. Then speak to her father. Tom: Annie said I should just get drunk and try and to snog her. Hal: It's all so brutish these days! I preferred the dowry system.

Puppy Love

Emrys: I've never been kissed. Annie: What? Emrys: When I was alive. Annie: [disbelieving] Really? Never, ever? In your whole life? Allison: It's not that unbelievable. Tom: I could imagine actually. Hal: We've all had dry spells.

Puppy Love

[Trying to think of last words] Something about...heartburn? Heart...break? No, that doesn't work, does it? Shit! [dies]

Puppy Love

Annie: I have a baby - Eve. I have to look after her. Woman: Annie... I am the baby. Annie: What? Woman: It's me, Annie...Mum. I'm Eve.

Making History

It's not dissatisfaction. It's a feeling more akin to having been born in captivity. A seeping realisation that your dreams and ambitions are just too big, too rich for this domestic world.

Making History

Three people can't have dinner together. That's barbaric!

Making History

Annie: So, this is the future? Really? Eve: For you. Yeah. Annie: Ooh, do people have jetpacks? Eve: No. Mostly everyone's dead.

Making History

Softly softly, massacre monkey.

Making History

You could go straight back to the top of the pile. That's cool. That's your rightful place. All I ask for in return is that when they write the history of what's about to happen, they give me a mention, and a statue. And maybe Brazil.

Making History

Hal: I like your mouth. Alex: Oh, thanks sugar. I'm sure that sounded less creepy in your head.

Making History

[Tom]'s like a child. He's lovely. He's like a pet. Bloody big one, like a St Bernard or a horse. He's physically incapable of lying or being cruel, so I do worry about him... He shouldn't be killing vampires, he should be getting disappointing A Level results.

Making History

[to Tom] You're a child, you know that? Watching you negotiate grown-up emotions is like watching a gorilla perform keyhole surgery.

Making History

We can raid the dressing up box and pretend to be human, but ultimately what's the point? Sooner or later we all go back to being the monsters we truly are.

Making History

[with rising incredulous anger] What I was - no, you stole that from me! You dragged me into this world! You killed my wife! You turned me into a murderer, an addict! You made me abandon my whole species! No! No, you do not do that and then apologise! No, sir!

Making History

Hal: I assume you just close your eyes and picture yourself somewhere else. Alex: Trust me, I've been doing that since you arrived.

Making History

Eve: I make a bloody good cup of tea. Annie: That's my girl!

The War Child

Hal: Unfinished business tends to be more life-affirming than beating someone up. Alex: Not if you're Scottish.

The War Child

Mr Snow: Am I missing something? Is he giving me a television set? Cutler: [Flicking through TV channels] I don't understand. Someone must have reported it. Mr Snow: Because I already have a television the size of a bed sheet.

The War Child

Thanks to you, breweries the world over are safe from piss-ups.

The War Child

These eyes have looked upon Pharaohs and the son of the carpenter. And, now, they must look at you, proudly showing me your idea, like a child with a handful of its own excrement. I have never known humiliation, failure, or obscurity. How does it make you feel? Like coming home, I imagine. I've already forgotten your name.

The War Child

Always be kind and polite and have the materials to build a bomb.

The War Child

Tom: What are you doing, hanging around with a load of vampires? Milo: Because there's nothing noble about being on the side that loses. Tom: I bet you support Manchester United as well, don't you? Milo: You know, they're an incredibly skillful team...

The War Child

They're the men with sticks and ropes. I saw them when I died. Thought they were evil Morris dancers.

The War Child

Alex: What's the biggest thing you've ever Rentaghosted with? Annie: Er, hey, listen. This is not a party trick. This is an invaluable defensive weapon...An armchair.

The War Child

Mr Snow: Celebrate and be glad, for this, your brother, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found. Annie: Give me back my fucking baby!

The War Child

That's the funny thing about saviours: they can make one a little...dependent.

The War Child

Eve: They're expecting you. Annie: Who? Eve: Who do you think?

The War Child

Hal: Why are you doing this? Tom: 'Cos you're my best mate.

The Trinity

Alex: Just treat me like an equal. Treat me like a bloke. Tom: But you're a lady. And my dad taught me how to treat ladies. Always be polite and courteous, if a lady came in the room, stood up and take off any hats, and if it was a vampire, you staked 'em.

The Trinity

Maybe I should left a clue like I don't know, locking him in a cellar and tying him to the fucking radiator!

The Trinity

Ian! I have no intention of bumming you.

The Trinity

500 years of murder and torment. Round and round we go. Evil doesn't die, it just passes like a parcel from year to year, body to body. But I survive. I live on while good people die around me. Heroes die.

Sticks and Ropes

Tom: What's that you're doing? Hal: I'm disinfecting the keyboard with pure alcohol and a cotton ball. Tom: I'd never think of doing that. I'm never gonna win this competition, am I? Hal: This isn't part of the competition. Doesn't everyone do this?

Sticks and Ropes

Dominic Rook: Instead, you'll get this pen. This - very special - pen. Crumb: Does it shoot poison gas? Or pellets? Or poison gas pellets? Rook: No. It's essentially a pen.

Sticks and Ropes

I'm getting stronger every day. When the time is right, I will rise. And then I'm going to drain the world dry. I'm going to lap up every drop of hope and love and feel it run down my chin. I'm going to turn men into beasts and ruin their women and spit poison into their children. I'm going to scorch the earth with proper, Old Testament despair and teach them that the gods are there to be feared and everything you love will die and everything you're scared of will come true.

Pie and Prejudice

Tom: Larry's gonna stay here a while to train me. Hal: Great. The more the merrier - Tom: [interrupting] You're not the boss of me here, Hal. I can do what I like. Hal: Yes, I know. I-I said it was great.

Pie and Prejudice

There's a new player in town. And he's got the skills, and the looks, and the motivation, and the skills. He's got the whole package.

Pie and Prejudice

Hal: He's been filling your head with utter nonsense! Tom, these attitudes he's encouraging-they're shallow! They're aggressive- Tom: Alright, alright! Maybe he's not a very nice guy! Maybe that's the truth! But you know what? I don't care. 'Cause nice guys finish last, Hal. And I'm tired of finishing last. 'Cause when you're there, and you get to the finishing line, you find that the pie's already gone, 'cause some bugger like you has already ate it. [beat] The Success Pie. [beat] Which is where they keep it. At the finishing line on the top of...Success Mountain- I don't really know how it works. Hal: You don't have to stoop to his level. Tom: Well, maybe I do, Hal. 'Cause I'm sure of one thing-that McNair would've wanted more for me than this. And I'm letting him down. Every day I'm letting him down. And maybe this is a way I can make him proud of me.

Pie and Prejudice

Hal: This is your chance. This your only chance to be the wise man who walks away and lives to see another day. Larry Chrysler: So...we're more alike than I thought. Hal: We are nothing alike. Larry: When you look at me, you see the monster you're hiding. Hal: You believe whatever you want. Just go. Larry: I'm a little too wild for your liking, aren't I? Little too unpredictable, little too...complete? Hal: It's clearly helped you make such a success of your life. Larry: Didn't you tell Tom all that stuff was unimportant? Instead, I've got no struggle, no tug-of-war; just one voice, one life, one me. [He steps towards Hal.] Seeing that's gotta hurt. Hal: I strongly suggest you take a step backwards. Larry: You know what? I think you're just one big PR exercise. You think I'm a fraud! Well, I guess you'd know the signs. All huff and no puff. Ooh, c'mon, let's see this big bad Hal that's got everyone so scared. Hal: You don't know what you're doing. Larry: Maybe I do. Maybe I want this.

The Greater Good

Hal: All we're doing is marking time until the inevitable. Alex: Kind of like life, then?

The Greater Good

There is no Ian, there is only Crumb. (Crumb laughs)

No Care, All Responsibility

You know what I tell myself every morning? No care, all responsibility. You will best serve Her Majesty and the government if this doesn't affect you. Come in; clean up; clock off; no care. All responsibility. Remember that, and you'll have a bright future in this department.

No Care, All Responsibility

Tom: She makes me feel things. Alex: What things? Tom: Feelings. Alex: She made you feel feelings? Tom: Yeah. Alex: What a bitch. You should stake her, anyway.

No Care, All Responsibility

Natasha: Tom? There's some...there's something I need to tell you. Tom: What's wrong? Have I done something? [Natasha begins lifting her skirt to show Tom her wound.] What, here? Now? Before dinner? [He begins to take off his trousers.]

No Care, All Responsibility

[to Rook] And, you know, I realized something as well. You said you and me are like family, but you sent me in here as bait. So either you don't really think Hal's that bad, or...or you and me aren't really family. [She sighs.] 'No care, all responsibility,' huh?

No Care, All Responsibility

Natasha: You nearly died saving my life. You made sure I'm safe again and again. What, all that effort and you just kill me? Rook: I do my job. It's what I've always done. Natasha: I'm human. It's your job to protect me.

No Care, All Responsibility

I don't care if you have enough viagra to fill the Titanic, nobody is doing any rising on my watch.

No Care, All Responsibility

Alex: Who are you? Hatch: I'm only the fucking devil, sweetheart.