Quotes

Dialogue

Yeah, but this ain't a life worth livin' is it? [wiggles his katana] Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90's. [raises his fist to punch Francis, but is stopped by a loud clang, and feels something metallic, which is Colossus' crotch] [confused] Dad?

Dialogue

Dopinder: Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? Wade Wilson: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days and, oh... [checking his Adventure Time themed watch] fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me. Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? Wade: This shit. [lifts his mask, showing his scarred face] Boo!

Dialogue

Wade: Do you happen to know a Meghan "Orflowsky"- gettin' that right? "Orflasky"? "Orlovsy"? [Jeremy nods] Yeah? Good. 'Cause she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot. Jeremy: [nervously] I'm, uh– Wade: A stalker. [points his knife at Jeremy] Threats hurt, Jer, though not nearly as much as serrated steel. So keep away from Meghan. Cool? Jeremy: Yes– Yes, sir. Wade: Then we're done. [puts the knife away] Jeremy: Wait, we... we are? Wade: Yeah, totally done! [to Merchant, as they both start laughing] You should have seen your face! Merchant: I didn't know what to do. I was so scared! Wade: Soft spot, remember? [suddenly grabs Jeremy by the neck and throws him up against a wall] You even look in her general direction again, and you'll learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots, too. [pauses for a moment] That came out wrong. Or did it? [k

Dialogue

Wade: I've been traveling to exotic places. Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then-- Weasel: Killing them, I know. I saw your Instagram. What was special forces doing in Jacksonville anyways? Wade: That's classified. [whispering] They have a wonderful T.G.I. Friday's.

Dialogue

Vanessa: Hey, hands off the merchandise. Wade: Merchandise, huh? So, you, uh... bump fuzzies for money? Vanessa: Yup. Wade: Rough childhood? Vanessa: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born. Wade: Daddy left before I was conceived. Vanessa: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? Wade: Where else do you put one out? Vanessa: I was molested. Wade: Me too. Uncle. Vanessa: Uncles. They took turns. Wade: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happens to be my– Vanessa: Your bedroom. Lucky, I slept in a dishwasher box. Wade: [gasps] You had a dishwasher? I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix, and clown porn. Vanessa: [laughs] Who would do such a thing? Wade: Hopefully you, later tonight? Hey, what can I get for, [looks at his wallet] uh, $275 and a... Yogurtland rewards card? Vanessa: Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. [takes the rewards card, sticks it in Wade's mouth] And a

Dialogue

Vanessa: [After playing skee-ball with Wade] Well, I hate to break it to you, but your 48 minutes are up. Wade: Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? [Hands her the Voltron ring he won] FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so... Vanessa: Five mini-lion bots?! [Deadpan] Three minutes. Wade: Deal. What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds? Vanessa: ...Cuddle?

Dialogue

Wade: Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sound's suspiciously made up. What is it, really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? The Rickster? [speaks in British accent] Is it Basil Fawlty? Ajax: Oh, joke away. One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor. Wade: We'll see about that. Ajax: I suppose we will. [turns to Angel] He's all yours. [leaves] Wade: Oh, come on! You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?

Dialogue

Deadpool: 41 confirmed kills; now it's 89, about to be 90. "Agent Smith": Mr. Wilson? Deadpool: Ding-ding! "Agent Smith": You're...looking very alive. Deadpool: Hah! Only on the outside. "Agent Smith": This is not going to end well for me, is it? Deadpool: This is not going to end well for you, no. Where's your boss? "Agent Smith": I can tell you exactly-- Deadpool: [Puts his finger on the recruiter's mouth] Ah, deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh. Oh, you'll tell me. But first... [To the camera, putting his hand on it and pushing it to the left, to where some civilian bystanders are watching] ...you might want to look away for this. Now, this little piggy went to--

Dialogue

Deadpool: Okay, let's pro/con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry-cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets! Colossus: You know I can hear you? Deadpool: Wasn't talking to you! [points at the camera] I was talking to them! [points to viewers] Colossus: [to Francis] Stay right here. Wade, we have been through this. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us.

Dialogue

Deadpool: Listen! The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker, on THAT DAY... I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request! 'Till then, I'mma do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the bitch outta you! Colossus: Wade... N.T.W.: Hey. Deadpool: Zip it, Sinead! N.T.W.: Hey, Douche-Pool! Deadpool: [to Francis] And I hope you're watching– [Francis has gotten away. Deadpool gasps dramaticaly] Colossus: Quite unfortunate. Deadpool: [takes many looks at where Francis was, and back at Colossus; angrily] THAT DOES IT! [jumps up to punch Colossus, but he breaks his hand, groaning in pain] CANADA! [flops his hand around] That's not good. Colossus: Wade, please... Deadpool: [with his other hand] Cock-shot! [breaks his other hand after trying to punch Colossus in the crotch] Oh, your poor wife! [turns around] All the dinosaurs feared

Dialogue

You'll recover, Wade. You always do.

Dialogue

Weasel: [looking for Vanessa] Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? Wade: [to himself, infuriated] Fuck me! Weasel: Uh, maybe not start with that.

Dialogue

Ajax: Wade Wilson! What's my name?! Deadpool: [To himself] Oh, I'm gonna fucking spell it out for ya! Deadpool: Yoo-hoo!

Dialogue

Deadpool: What are- What are you still doing? Get out of here! Go, make yourself useful! [to Colossus] You, go be a big brother to someone and tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. [to Negasonic] And you, chicken-noodle... Nothing compares to you. Sinead O'Connor, 1990, sorry. Negasonic Teenage Warhead: That's all right. You're cool. Deadpool: [gasps] What in the ass?! That was not mean! I'm proud of you! Colossus: We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade. Deadpool: Y'know, for a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion-robots coming together to form one super-robot! Negasonic Teenage Warhead: There's a stupid. Deadpool: Yeah.