Quotes

Dish and Dishonesty

Blackadder: Well, Mrs. Miggins, at last we can return to sanity. The hustings are over, the bunting is down, the mad hysteria is at an end. After the chaos of a general election, we can return to normal. Mrs. Miggins: Has there been a general election, Mr. Blackadder? Blackadder: Indeed there has, Mrs. Miggins. Mrs. Miggins: I didn't hear of it. Blackadder: Of course you didn't. You're not eligible to vote. Mrs. Miggins: Why not? Blackadder: Because virtually no one is - women...peasants... [gestures to Baldrick] Chimpanzees...lunatics...lords. Baldrick: That's not true - Lord Nelson's got a vote. Blackadder: He's got a boat, Baldrick. Marvelous thing, democracy. Look at Manchester - population: sixty-thousand, electoral roll: three. Mrs. Miggins: I may have a brain the size of a sultana... Blackadder: Correct. Mrs. Miggins: ...But it hardly seems fair to me. Blackadder: Of course it's not fair, and a damn good thing too - give the like of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to cavorti

Dish and Dishonesty

Blackadder: Your Highness, if I may make so bold, a major crisis has arisen in your affairs. Prince George: Yes, I know, Blackadder, I've been pondering it all morning. Blackadder: You have, sir? Prince George: Yes. Socks - run out again! Why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy, I never seem to have any? Blackadder: Sir, with your forgiveness, there is another, even weightier problem. Prince George: They just disappear! Honestly, you'd think someone was coming in here, stealing the damn things and then selling them off! Blackadder: [chuckles] Impossible, sir - only you and I have access to your socks. Prince George: Yes, that's true. Still, for me, socks are like sex - tons of it about, but I never seem to get any. Blackadder: If we could return to the business at hand, I read fearful news in this morning's paper. Prince George: Oh no. Not another little cat caught up in a tree? Blackadder: No, sir, there is a vote afoot in the new parliament to strike you fr

Dish and Dishonesty

Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. "Name"? Blackadder and Baldrick: Baldrick. Blackadder: First name? Baldrick: I'm not sure. Blackadder: You must have some idea. Baldrick: Well, it might be Sodoff. Blackadder: What? Baldrick: Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes "Hello, my name's Baldrick", and they'd say "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick". Blackadder: ...All right, right, right, right. "Mr. S. Baldrick". Now then, "Distinguishing features"...None. Baldrick: Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face. Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. "Any history of insanity in the family?" I'll cross out the "in". [does this act] "Any history of sanity in the family?" ...None whatsoever. "Criminal record?" Baldrick: Absolutely not. Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put "Fraud and sexual deviancy". Now, "Minimum bribe level?" Baldrick: One turnip. Oh,

Dish and Dishonesty

Blackadder: [enters, accompanied by Pitt the Younger] Your Highness, Pitt the Younger. Prince George: Why, hello there, young shaver m'lad! Say, I have a shiny sixpence for the clever fellow who can tell which hand it's in. [Pitt doesn't respond] Oh, school, school. On half hols, is it? I bet you can't wait to get that bat back in your hand and give those balls a good walloping, eh? Blackadder: Mister Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir. Prince George: Oh, go on! Is he? What, young Snotty here? Pitt the Younger: I'd rather have a runny nose than a runny brain. Prince George: Eh? Blackadder: Excuse me, Mister Prime Minister, but we have some lovely jelly in the pantry - I don't know if you'd be interested at all. Pitt the Younger: Don't patronize me, you lower middle class yobbo. What flavour is it? Blackadder: Blackcurrant. Pitt the Younger: EURGH! Prince George: I say, Blackadder, are you sure this is the PM? Seems like a bit of an oily tick to me. When I was at school, we used to line up

Dish and Dishonesty

Blackadder: We are reprieved. It is a triumph for stupidity over common sense. Baldrick: Thank you very much. Blackadder: As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday. Did you enjoy it? Right. Back to work.

Ink and Incapability

Prince George: [waking suddenly] Oh, Blackadder! BLACKADDER! [Blackadder walks in] Blackadder: [enters with the tray] Your Highness? Prince George: What time is it?! Blackadder: Three o'clock in the afternoon, sire. Prince George: [relieved] Oh thank God for that, I thought I'd overslept! Blackadder: I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir? Prince George: Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened. Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the Naughty Hellfire Club, and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey! Blackadder: An absurd suggestion, sir. Prince George: You're right, it is absurd. Blackadder: Unless, of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey. Prince George: See, if only I'd thought of that. Blackadder: It is all too often, sir, that one thinks of what one should have said long after he might have said it. Sir Thomas More, for instance, beheaded for refusing to recant his Catholicism, must have been kicking himself as the axe ca

Ink and Incapability

Baldrick: Something wrong, Mr. B? Blackadder: Oh, something's always wrong, Balders. The fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle! But today, something's even wronger: that globulous fraud, Dr. Johnson, is coming to tea. Baldrick: I thought he was the cleverest man in England. Blackadder: Baldrick, I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots. Baldrick: That’s not what you said when you sent him your navel. Blackadder: Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel. Baldrick: Well, novel or navel, it sounds a bit like a bag of grapefruits to me. Blackadder: The phrase, Baldrick, is “a case of sour grapes,” and yes, it bloody well is! I mean, he might at least have written back, but no, nothing! Not even a "Dear Gertrude Perkins, thank you for your book, get stuffed, Samuel Johnson"! Baldrick: Gertrude Perkins? Blackadder: Yes, I gave myself a female pseudonym. Everybody's doing it the

Ink and Incapability

Prince George: So, Doctor Johnson, sit ye down. Now, this book of yours, what's it about? Doctor Johnson: It is a book about the English language, sir. Prince George: I see. And the hero's name is what? Doctor Johnson: There's no hero. Prince George: No hero? Lucky I reminded you, then. Uh, call him George. 'George' is a nice name for a hero. Now, what about heroines? Doctor Johnson: There is no heroine, sir, unless it is our mother tongue. Prince George: The mother's the heroine? Nice twist. So, how far have we got? Old Mother Tongue is in love with George the Hero. Now, what about murders? Mother Tongue doesn't get murdered, does she? Doctor Johnson: No, she doesn't. No one gets murdered, or married, or in a tricky situation over a pound note! Prince George: Now, Doctor Johnson, I may be as thick as a whale omelette, but even I know a book's got to have a plot. Doctor Johnson: Not this one, sir. It is a book that tells you what English words mean. Prince George: I know what English w

Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: Baldrick, where's the manuscript? Baldrick: You mean the big papery thing tied up with string? Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, the manuscript belonging to Doctor Johnson. Baldrick: You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left? Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, Doctor Johnson. Baldrick: So you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belong to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is? Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted boney thing with five toes on the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers. For the last time, Baldrick, where is Doctor Johnson's manuscript? Baldrick: On the fire. Blackadder: [shocked] On the what? Baldrick: The hot orangey thing under the stoney mantlepiece. Blackadder: [enraged] You've burnt the dictionary?! Baldrick: Yup! Blackadder: You've burnt the life's work of England's foremost man of letters?! Baldrick: Well, you did say 'b

Ink and Incapability

Lord Shelley: O lovelorn ecstasy that i,s Mrs. Miggins, wilt thou bring me but one cup of the browned juicings of that naughty bean we call coffee, 'ere I die? Mrs Miggins: Oh, you do have a way with words about you, Mr. Shelley! Lord Byron: To hell with this fine talk! Coffee, woman! My consumption grows ever more acute, and Coleridge's drugs are wearing off! Mrs Miggins: Oh, Mr. Byron, don't be such a big girl's blouse!

Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat. Prince George: Why? Blackadder: Because if I stay here, Doctor Johnson and his companions will have me brutally murdered. Prince George: Good god, Blackadder, that's terrible! Do you know any other butlers? Blackadder: Of course, when the people discover that you have burnt Doctor Johnson's dictionary, they may go around saying "Look, there's Thick George. He's got a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle." Prince George: Well, in that case, something must be done! Baldrick: I have a cunning plan, sir. Prince George: Hurrah! Well, that's that, then. Blackadder: I wouldn't get too excited, sir. I have a strong suspicion Baldrick's plan will be the stupidest thing we've heard since Lord Nelson's famous signal at the Battle of the Nile - "England knows Lady Hamilton is a virgin. Poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I'm wrong." Prince George:

Ink and Incapability

Prince George: We didn't take no for an answer and have, in fact, been working all night. I've done 'B'. Blackadder: Really? And how far have you gotten? Prince George: Well, I had a bit of trouble with 'belching', but I think I got it sorted out in the end. [burps] Oh no! There I go again! [laughs] Blackadder: You've been working on that joke for some time, haven't you, sir? Prince George: Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I have. Blackadder: Since you started? Prince George: Basically. Blackadder: So, in fact, you haven't done any work at all? Prince George: Not as such. Blackadder: Great. Baldrick, what have you done? Baldrick: I've done 'C' and 'D'. Blackadder: Right, let's have it then. Baldrick: Right. "Big, blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in." Blackadder: What's that? Baldrick: 'Sea'. Blackadder: Yes. Tiny misunderstanding. Still, my hopes weren't high. What about 'D'? Baldrick: I'm quite pleased with 'dog'. Blackadder: Yes, and your definition of 'dog' is? Baldrick: "Not a c

Ink and Incapability

Lord Shelley: Ho, sir, bring out the dictionary at once! Lord Byron: Bring it out, sir, or in my passion, I shall kill everyone by giving them syphilis! Lord Coleridge: Bring it out, sir, and also any opium plants you have in there with you! Doctor Samuel Johnson: Bring it out, sir, or we shall break down the door! Blackadder: Ah, good morning, Dr. Johnson, Lord Byron- Doctor Johnson: Where is my dictionary? Blackadder: And what dictionary would this be? Doctor Johnson: [outraged] The one that has taken me eighteen hours of every day for the past ten years! My mother died, I hardly noticed. My father cut off his head and fried it in garlic in the hopes of attracting my attention; I scarcely looked up from my work! My wife brought armies of lovers to the house, who worked in droves so that she might bring up a huge family of bastards! I cared not! Blackadder: [cornered] Am I to assume that my elaborate bluff has not worked? Doctor Johnson: Dictionary! Blackadder: Right, well, the truth

Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: Baldrick, fetch my novel. Baldrick: Your novel? Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, the big papery thing tied up with string. Baldrick: Like the thing we burnt? Blackadder: Exactly like the thing we burnt. Baldrick: So you're asking for the big papery thing tied up with string exactly like the thing we burnt? Blackadder: Exactly. Baldrick: We burnt it. Blackadder: [calmly enraged] So we did. Thank you, Baldrick. Seven years of my life up in smoke. [to Prince George] Your Highness, may I be excused for a moment? Prince George: Oh, by all means. Blackadder: [closes the doors behind him; outside] OH, GOD! NO!!! [calmly returns] Thank you, sir.

Ink and Incapability

Doctor Johnson: [reading Baldrick's 'novel'] "Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called-" Sausage? Sausage?! Oh, blast your eyes! [crumples it up, throws it to the ground and storms out] Baldrick: Oh, I didn't think it was that bad. Blackadder: [checks the dictionary] I think you'll find he left 'sausage' out of his dictionary, Baldrick. [checks again] Oh, and 'aardvark'.

Nob and Nobility

Blackadder: Morning, Mrs. Miggins. Mrs. Miggins: Bonjour, monsieur. Blackadder: [disgusted] What? Mrs. Miggins: Bonjour, monsieur. It's French. Blackadder: So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us. Mrs. Miggins: But French is all the fashion! My coffee shop is full of Frenchies, and it's all because of that wonderful Scarlet Pimpernel! Blackadder: The Scarlet Pimpernel is not wonderful, Mrs Miggins. There is no reason whatsoever to admire someone for filling London with a bunch of garlic-chewing French toffs, crying "Oh-la-la" and looking for sympathy all the time just cos their fathers had their heads cut off. I'll have a cup of coffee, and some shepherd's pie. Mrs. Miggins: Oh, we don't serve pies any more! My French clientèle consider pies uncouth. Blackadder: I hardly think a nation that eats snails and would go to bed with the kitchen sink if it put on a tutu is in any position to preach couthness. So wh

Nob and Nobility

Baldrick: Sir! Poor little Mildred the cat, what's he ever done to you? Blackadder: It is the way of the world, Baldrick - the abused always kick downwards. I am annoyed and so I kick the cat, the cat [there is a squeak] pounces on the mouse and, finally, [Baldrick squeals in pain] the mouse bites you on the behind. Baldrick: And what do I do? Blackadder: Nothing, you are last in God's great chain. Unless there's an earwig around here you'd like to victimize. My God, Baldrick - what's happened to your nose? Baldrick: [sporting the most hideous purple blister] Nice, isn't it? Blackadder: No, Baldrick. It isn't. It's revolting. Baldrick: I'll take it off then. [rather unexpectedly, he simply peels off the blister] Blackadder: Baldrick, why are you wearing a false boil? What are we to expect next? A beauty wart? A cosmetic veruca? Baldrick: It's a Scarlet Pimple, sir. Blackadder: Really? Baldrick: They're all the rage down our way. Everyone wants to express their admiration for the great

Nob and Nobility

Prince George: What a shame they were so busy. Would've been lovely to have had them with us. Blackadder: Us? Prince George: Yes. Blackadder: You're coming, sir? Prince George: Well, certainly! Blackadder: Ah. And nothing I can say about the mind-bending horrors of the Revolution could put you off? Prince George: Absolutely not. Now come on, Blackadder. Let's get packing. I want to look my best for those fabulous French birds! Blackadder: Sir, the type of women favoured in France at the moment are toothless old crones who cackle insanely. Prince George: Oh, ignore that. They're just playing hard to get. Blackadder: By removing all their teeth, going mad and aging forty years? Prince George: That's right, the little teases. Now, come on. Um, I think a blend of silks and satins. Blackadder: Sir, if we are to stand any chance of survival in France, we shall have to dress as the smelliest lowlifes imaginable. Prince George: What sort of thing? Blackadder: Well, sir, let me show you our Par

Nob and Nobility

Blackadder: Farewell, dear master and - if I dare say it - friend. Prince George: Farewell, brave liberator and - if I dare say it - butler.

Nob and Nobility

Blackadder: Right, stick the kettle on, Baldrick. Baldrick: Aren't we going to France? Blackadder: Of course we're not going to France. It's incredibly dangerous! Baldrick: Then how are you gonna win your bet? Blackadder: As always, Baldrick, by the use of the large thing between my ears. Baldrick: Oh, your nose. Blackadder: No, Baldrick. My brain. All we have to do is lie low here for a week, go to Mrs. Miggins', pick up any old French aristocrat, drag him through a puddle, take him to the ball and claim our thousand guineas. Baldrick: What if the prince finds us here? Blackadder: He couldn't find his own fly buttons, let alone the kitchen door.

Nob and Nobility

Blackadder: Le Comte de Frou Frou, I believe. Le Comte de Frou Frou: Eh? Blackadder: Do you speak English? Le Comte de Frou Frou: A little. Blackadder: Yes, when you say 'a little', what do you mean? I mean, can we talk, or are we going to spend the rest of the day asking each other the way to the beach in very loud voices? Le Comte de Frou Frou: Oh no. I can order coffee, deal with waiters, make sexy chit-chat with girls, that type of thing. Blackadder: Oh, good. Le Comte de Frou Frou: Just don't ask me to take a physiology class or direct a light opera. Blackadder: No, I won't. Now listen, Frou Frou, would you like to earn some money? Le Comte de Frou Frou: No, I wouldn't. I would like other people to earn it and then give it to me, just like in France in the good old days. Blackadder: Yes, but this is a chance to return to the good old days. Le Comte de Frou Frou: Oh, I would love that! I hate this life. The food is filthy! This huge sausage is very suspicious. If I didn't know bett

Nob and Nobility

Revolutionary Ambassador: Not so fast, English. In rescuing this...boite de stinkyweed, you have attempted to pervert Revolutionary justice. Do you know what happens to people who do that? Blackadder: They're given a little present and allowed to go free? Revolutionary Ambassador: No. Blackadder: They're smacked and told not to be naughty, but basically let off? Revolutionary Ambassador: No. Baldrick: I think I know. Blackadder: What? Baldrick: They're put in prison for the night and brutally guillotined in the morning. Blackadder: Well done, Baldrick. Revolutionary Ambassador: Your little g-nome is correct, Monsieur. Gentlemen, welcome to the last day of your life!

Nob and Nobility

Baldrick: I'm glad to say I don't think you'll be needing those pills, Mr. B. Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation? Baldrick: They certainly are. Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't jump and and down with glee. Your record in this department is not one hundred percent. So what's the plan? Baldrick: We do nothing. Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater. Baldrick: I haven't finished. We do nothing until our heads have actually been cut off. Blackadder: And then we spring into action? Baldrick: Exactly. You know how, when you cut a chicken's head off, it runs 'round and 'round the farmyard? Blackadder: Yes... Baldrick: Well, we wait until our heads have been cut off, then we run 'round and 'round the farmyard, out the farm gate and escape. What do you think? Blackadder: Yes, my opinion is rather difficult to express in words, so perhaps I can put it this way.

Sense and Senility

Baldrick: You look smart, Mr. Blackadder. Going somewhere nice? Blackadder: Nope, I'm off to the theatre. Baldrick: Oh, don't you like it, then? Blackadder: No, I don't! A load of stupid actors strutting around, shouting with their chests thrust out so far you'd think their nipples were attached to a pair of charging elephants. And the worst thing about it is having to go with Prince Minibrain. Baldrick: Doesn't he like it either? Blackadder: No, he loves it, but he doesn't realize it's made-up. Last year, when Brutus was about to kill Julius Caesar, the prince yelled out "Look behind you, Mr. Caesar!" Baldrick: I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence. I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, obviously. Blackadder: And while we're out, Baldrick, I want you to give this palace a good clean. It's so dirty, it would be unacceptable to a dung beetle that had lost interest in its career and really let itself go. Prince George: [from upstairs] Come on, Blacka

Sense and Senility

Prince George: [bandaged up after an assassination attempt] I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave. Why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill you? Blackadder: I think it might have been you he was after, sir. Prince George: Oh, hogwash! What on earth makes you say that? Blackadder: Well, my suspicions were aroused by his use of the words "Death to the stupid prince!". Prince George: That was a bit rude, wasn't it? Blackadder: These are volatile times, your Highness. The American Revolution lost your father the Colonies, the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia, although that might have something to do with the sausages. The whole world cries out "Peace, freedom and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie!". Prince George: [looks down at the plate of pie in his hands and puts it to one side] Yes, you're right. Something must be done! Any ideas? Blackadder: Yes, sir. Next week is your royal father's birthday cele

Sense and Senility

Blackadder: Mrs. Miggins, I'm looking for a couple of actors. Mrs. Miggins: Well, you've come to the right place, Mr. B. There's more Shakespearean dialogue in here then there are buns. All my lovely actors pop in here on their way to rehearsals for a little cup of coffee and a big dollop of inspiration. Blackadder: You mean they actually rehearse? I thought they just got drunk, stuck on a silly hat and trusted to luck. Mrs. Miggins: Ooh, no! There's ever so much work that goes into the wonderful magic that is theatre today. Still, I wouldn't expect you to understand, being only a butler. Blackadder: They do say, Mrs. M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head. Keanrick: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Mr. David Keanrick! Mrs. Miggins: Oh, hurrah! Mossop: And the fabulous Enoch Mossop! Mrs. Miggins: Gentlemen! Keanrick: Ah, settle down. Settle down. Mossop: I'm so

Sense and Senility

Prince George: Are you sure we can trust these acting chappies? Last time we went to the theatre, three of them murdered Julius Caesar. And one of them was his best friend, Brutus! Blackadder: As I have told you about eight times, the man playing Julius Caesar was an actor called Kemp. Prince George: Really? Blackadder: [annoyed] Yes. Prince George: Thundering gherkins! Brutus must have been pretty miffed when he found out. Blackadder: What? Prince George: That he hadn't killed Caesar after all. Just some poxy actor called Kemp. Do you think maybe he went to Caesar's place after the play and killed him then? Blackadder: [sotto] Oh god, it's pathetic.

Sense and Senility

Baldrick: Something wrong, Mister B? Blackadder: I've just about had it up to here with the prince! If he keeps this up, I'll be handing in my notice! Baldrick: Ooh, does that mean I'll be butler? Blackadder: Not unless some kindly passing surgeon cuts your head open with a spade and sticks a new brain in it. I don't know why I put up with it. I really don't. Every year at the Guild of Butlers Christmas party, I'm the one who has to wear the red nose and the pointy hat for winning the "Who's Got The Stupidest Master?" competition! All I can say is, he'd better watch out. One more foot wrong, and the contract between us will be as broken as this milk jug. Baldrick: But that milk jug isn't broken. Blackadder: You really do walk into these things, don't you, Baldrick? [smashes the milk jug over Baldrick's head]

Sense and Senility

Keanrick: No, no, no, Your Royal Highness. What have you forgotten? Prince George: Oh, now look, if I stand any more heroically than this, I'm in danger of seriously disappointing my future queen. Keanrick: No, Your Highness, not the stance...the roar! Prince George: You want me to roar? Mossop: Of course we wish you to roar. All great orators roar before commencing their speeches. It is the way of things. Now, Mister Keanrick, from your Hamlet, please. Keanrick: Ooooh, to be or not to be! Mossop: From your Julius Caesar. Keanrick: Ooooh, friends, Romans, countrymen! Mossop: From your leading character in a play connected with Scotland. Blackadder: That's Macbeth, isn't it? Keanrick and Mossop: Aaahhh! Hot potatoes, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends! [pinch their noses] Ow!

Sense and Senility

Baldrick: Shall I get their supper, sir? Blackadder: Yes. Preferably something that has first passed through the digestive system of the cat. And you'll have to take it up yourself. Baldrick: Why? Blackadder: Because I'm leaving, Baldrick. I'm about to enter the job market. [picks up the newspaper] Right, let's see...Situations Vacant. Mr. and Mrs. Pitt are looking for a baby minder to take Pitt the Younger to parliament. Some fellow called George Stephenson has invented a moving kettle and wants someone to help with the marketing. Oh, there's a foreign opportunity. "Treacherous, malicious, unprincipled cad, preferably non-smoker, wanted to be King of Sardinia. No time-wasters, please. Apply Napoleon Bonaparte, PO Box 1, Paris." Right, we're on our way!

Sense and Senility

Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship... Baldrick: [touched] Aw, thank you, Mister B. Blackadder: ...but as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore content myself with saying "Sod off", and if I ever meet you again, it'll be 20 billion years too soon. [leaves] Baldrick: [to himself] Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard. Blackadder: [re-enters] I think, Baldrick, you will soon be eating those badly chosen words. I wouldn't bet a single groat that you could survive five minutes here without me. Baldrick: Oh, come on, Mr. B. It's not like we're gonna get murdered the minute you leave, is it? Blackadder: Hope springs eternal, Baldrick. [leaves again]

Sense and Senility

Prince George: Thank god you're here! We desperately need you! Blackadder: Me, sir? Mister Thicky Black Thicky Adder Thicky? Prince George: Oh, tish, nonsense! Blackadder: Mister Hopelessly Drivelly Can't-Write-For-Toffee Crappy Butler Weed? Prince George: Yes, well... Blackadder: Mister Brilliantly-Undervalued Butler Who Hasn't Had A Raise In A Fortnight? Prince George: Take an extra thousand! Guineas? Per month? Blackadder: All right, what's your problem?

Amy and Amiability

Baldrick: Don't you worry, Mr. B. I have a cunning plan to solve your problem. Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, let us not forget you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head. Baldrick: But this is a really good one. You become a dashing highwayman, then you can pay all your bills, and on top of that, everyone'll want to sleep with you. Blackadder: Baldrick, I could become a prostitute and pay my bills and everyone would want to sleep with me, but I do consider certain professions beneath me. Besides which, I fail to see why a common thief should be idolized just because he's got a horse between his legs.

Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: Let's see, you can't borrow money, you're not going to inherit any money, and, obviously, you can't earn money. Sir, drastic situations call for drastic measures. If you can't make money, you'll have to marry into it. Prince George: Marry? Never! I'm a gay bachelor, Blackadder! I'm a roarer, a rogerer, a gorger and a puker! I can't marry. I'm young, I'm firm-buttocked, I'm- Blackadder: Broke. Prince George: Well, yes, I suppose so. Blackadder: And don't forget, sir, that the modern church smiles on roaring and gorging within wedlock. And, indeed, rogering is keenly encouraged. Prince George: And the puking? Blackadder: Mmm, I believe still very much down to the conscience of the individual churchgoer.

Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: [slams a large book shut] Oh god. Baldrick: Something wrong, Mr. B? Blackadder: I can't find a single person suitable to marry the prince. Baldrick: Oh, please keep trying. I love a royal wedding. The excitement, the crowds, the souvenir mugs. Worrying about whether the bride's lost weight. Blackadder: Unlikely with this lot, I'm afraid. If the prince had stipulated "Must weigh a quarter of a tonne", we'd be laughing. Of the two-hundred and sixty-two princesses in Europe, a hundred and sixty-five are over eighty, they're out. Forty-seven are under ten, they're out. Thirty-nine are mad. Baldrick: Well, they sound ideal. Blackadder: Well, they would be if they hadn't all got married last week to the same horse. Which leave us with two. Baldrick: What about them? Blackadder: Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin. We'll never get her to marry him. Baldrick: Why not? Blackadder: Because she's met him. Baldrick: Which leaves? Blackadder: Caroline of Brunswick is the only av

Amy and Amiability

Prince George: "From His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales, to Miss Amy Hardwood. Tally ho, my fine, saucy young trollop! Your luck's in! Trip along here with all your cash, and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now 'til Christmas, you lucky tart! Yours, with the deepest respects, etc. Signed, George. P.S. Woof, woof!" Well, what do you think? Blackadder: It's very...moving, sir. However, would you mind if I changed just one tiny aspect of it? Prince George: Which one? Blackadder: The words? Prince George: Yes, yes. I'll leave the details up to you, Blackadder. Just make sure she knows I'm all man. With a bit of animal thrown in. [growls playfully] Blackadder: Certainly, sir.

Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: I tell you, Baldrick, I'm not looking forward to this evening. Trying to serenade a light, fluffy bunny of a girl for an arrogant half-German yob with a mad dad. Baldrick: Well, he is the Prince of Wales. Blackadder: Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick? Baldrick: No. But I've often thought I'd like to. Blackadder: Well, don't. It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men roam the valleys terrifying people with their close harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick. You'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight. Baldrick: So, being prince of it isn't considered a plus? Blackadder: I fear not, no. But the crucial thing is that they must never be left alone together before the wedding. Baldrick: Isn't that a bit unfair on her? Blackadder: Well, it's not exactly fair on him either. The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume. But, you know, Baldrick, t

Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: Sir, I come as emissary of the Prince of Wales with the most splendid news. He wants your daughter, Amy, for his wife. 'Mr. Hardwood: Well, his wife can't have her! Outrageous, sir, to come here with such a suggestion! Leave now, sir, or I shall take off me belt, and by thunder, me trousers'll fall down! Blackadder: No, sir, you misunderstand. The prince wants to marry your lovely daughter. Mr. Hardwood: Oh! Can it be possibly true? Surely love has never crossed such boundaries of class? Amy Hardwood: What about you and Mum? Mr. Hardwood: Well, yes, I grant thee, when I first met her, I was the farmer's son and she was just the lass who ate the dung, but that was an exception. Amy Hardwood: And Auntie Dot and Uncle Ted? Mr. Hardwood: Yes, yes, alright, he was a pig poker and she was the Duchess of Argyle- Amy Hardwood: And Auntie Ruthie was a milkmaid and Uncle Isiah was- Mr. Hardwood: The pope! Yes, alright! Don't argue! Suffice to say, if you marry, we need never be poor

Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: Crisis, Baldrick! Crisis! No marriage, no money, more bills. For the first time in my life, I've decided to follow a suggestion of yours. Saddle Prince George's horse. Baldrick: Oh, sir, you're not gonna become a highwayman, are you? Blackadder: No, I'm auditioning for the part of Arnold the Bat in Sheridan's new comedy. Baldrick: Oh, that's alright, then. Blackadder: Baldrick, do you have any idea what irony is? Baldrick: Yeah. It's like gold-y and bronze-y, only it's made of iron. Blackadder: Never mind, never mind. Just saddle the prince's horse. Baldrick: Oh, that'll be difficult. He wrapped her around that gas lamp in the Strand last night. Blackadder: Well, saddle my horse, then. Baldrick: What d'you think you've been eating for the last two months? Blackadder: Well, go out into the street and hire me a horse! Baldrick: Hire you a horse? For ninepence? On Jewish New Year in the rain? A bare fortnight after the dread Horse Plague of Old London Town? With the Blacksmith

Amy and Amiability

Sally Cheapside: Honestly, Papa. Ever since Mother died, you've tried to stop me from growing up. I'm not a little girl, I'm a grown woman. In fact, I might as well tell you now, Papa. I'm pregnant. And I'm an opium fiend. And I'm love with a poet called Shelley who's a famous whoopsy. And Mother didn't die, I killed her! Duke of Cheapside: Oh. Well, never mind. Blackadder: Stand and deliver! Duke of Cheapside: Oh no! Oh no, no, no, no! Disaster! It's the Shadow! We're doomed! Doomed! Blackadder: Ah, good evening, Duke, and the lovely Miss Cheapside. Your cash bags, please. Duke of Cheapside: [hands over his money at the gunpoint] You'll never get away with this, you scoundrel! You'll be caught and damn well hung! Sally Cheapside: I think he looks pretty- Blackadder: Madam, please, no jests about me being 'pretty well hung already'. We've no time. Sally Cheapside: Pity. Blackadder: Now, sir, turn out your pockets. Duke of Cheapside: Never, sir! A man's pockets are his own private kingd

Amy and Amiability

Baldrick: Sir, what about the danger? Look, the reward's going up day by day. Blackadder: I laugh in the face of danger. I drop ice cubes down the vest of fear. Things couldn't be better, Baldrick. She'll get me abroad and make me rich, then I'll probably drop her and get two hundred concubines to share my bed. Baldrick: Wouldn't they be rather prickly? Blackadder: Concubines, Baldrick, not porcupines. Baldrick: [annoyed] I still can't believe you're leaving me behind! Blackadder: Oh, don't worry, when we've established our plantation in Barbados, I'll send for you. No more sad little London for you, Balders. From now on, you will stand out in life as an individual. Baldrick: Will I? Blackadder: Of course you will; all the other slaves will be black. [heads for the door] Mrs. Miggins: [runs into Blackadder] Mr. Blackadder! What's this I hear about you buying a bathing costume and forty gallons of coconut oil? Are you going abroad, sir? Blackadder: Yep, I'm off. Mrs. Miggins: Oh, sir! W

Duel and Duality

Baldrick: [entering with a letter] Mr. Blackadder? Blackadder: Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I'd have bought one at the market. Baldrick: Don't you want this letter, then? Blackadder: No, thank you. God, I'm wasted here. It's no life for a man of noble blood, being servant to a master with the intellect of a jugged walrus and all the social graces of a potty! Baldrick: I'm wasted too. I've been thinking of bettering myself. Blackadder: Oh really, how? Baldrick: I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington. Blackadder: Oh. Get anywhere? Baldrick: I got down to the last two, but I failed the final interview. Blackadder: Oh, what went wrong? Baldrick: I turned up. The other bloke was such an idiot, he forgot to. Blackadder: Yes, I'm afraid my ambitions stretch slightly further than professional idiocy in West London. I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then, hundreds of years from now

Duel and Duality

Prince George: Ah, Blackadder. Notice anything unusual about me? Blackadder: Yes, sir. It's eleven o'clock in the morning and you're moving about. Is the bed on fire? Prince George: I wouldn't know. I've been out all night. Guess what I've been doing? [makes raucous noises] Prince George: Better even than that. Sink me Blackadder if I, if I haven't just had the most wonderful evening of my life. Blackadder: [dully] Tell me all, sir. Prince George: Well as you know when I set out I looked divine. At the party as I passed all eyes turned. Blackadder: And I dare say quite a few stomachs.

Duel and Duality

Blackadder: [reading a letter from the Duke of Wellington to Prince George] "From the Supreme Commander, Allied Forces Europe. Sir, Prince or pauper, when a man soils a Wellington he puts his foot in it. Open bracket. This is not a joke. I do not find my name remotely funny, and people who do end up dead. Close bracket. I challenge you to a duel tonight at 18:00 hours in which you will die. Yours, with sincere apologies for your impending violent slaughter, Arthur Wellesey, Duke of Wellington." Baldrick: Seems a nice, polite sort of bloke.

Duel and Duality

Baldrick: May I speak, sir? Blackadder: Certainly not, Baldrick. The prince is about to die. The last thing he wants to do in his final hours is exchange pleasantries with a certified plum duff. Prince George: Easy, Blackadder. Let's hear him out. Blackadder: Very well, Baldrick. We shall hear you out, then throw you out. Baldrick: Well, your Majesty, I have a cunning plan which could get you out of this. Blackadder: Don't listen to him, sir. It's a cruel proletariat attempt to raise your hopes. I shall have him shot the moment he's finished clearing away your breakfast. Prince George: Wait a minute, Blackadder. Perhaps this disgusting, degraded creature is some sort of blessing in disguise? Blackadder: If he is, it's a very good disguise. Prince George: After all, did Our Lord not send a lowly earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment? Blackadder: Nope. Prince George: Well, it's the sort of thing he might have done. Well, come on, Mr. Spotty, speak. Baldrick: Well, sir, I've just thou

Duel and Duality

Blackadder: Ah, Mrs. Miggins. Am I to gather from your look of pie-eyed exhaustion and the globules of porridge hanging off the walls that my cousin MacAdder has presented his credentials? Mrs. Miggins: Ooo, yes indeed, sir. You just missed him. Blackadder: I hope he's been practicing with his claymore. Mrs. Miggins: Oh, I should say so! I'm as weary as a dog with no legs that's just climbed Ben Nevis. Blackadder: A claymore is a sword, Mrs. Miggins. Mrs. Miggins: See this intricate wood carving of the infant Samuel at prayer? He whittled that with the tip of his mighty weapon with his eyes closed. Blackadder: [drily] Yes, exquisite. Mrs. Miggins: He bade me bite down on a plank of wood. There was a whirlwind of steel and within a minute three men lay dead and I had a lovely new set of gnashers. Blackadder: Really. Just tell him to meet me here at 5 o'clock to discuss an extremely cunning plan. If all goes well, by tomorrow the clan of MacAdder will be marching back on the high road ba

Duel and Duality

Prince George: Thank God it's you, Blackadder! I've just had word from Wellington, he's on his way here now! Blackadder: That's awkward. The Duke must believe from the very start that I am you. Prince George: Hmm, any ideas? Blackadder: There's no alternative, sir. We must swap clothes. Prince George: Oh fantastic, yes. Dressing up, I love it. It's like that story, The Prince and the Porpoise. Blackadder: And the Pauper. Prince George: Ah, yes yes yes. The Prince and the Porpoise and the Pauper. [the two swap their jackets and wigs] Excellent! Why, my own father wouldn't recognize me. Blackadder: Your own father never can. He's mad. Prince George: Oh yes, that's right. Blackadder: Unfortunately, sir, you do realise that I shall have to treat you like a servant? Prince George: Oh, I think I can handle that, thank you, Blackadder. Blackadder: And you'll have to get used to calling me "Your Highness", Your Highness. Prince George: Your Highness, Your Highness. Blackadder: No, just "Your H

Duel and Duality

Duke of Wellington: Have I the honour of addressing the Prince Regent, sir? Blackadder: You do. Duke of Wellington: Congratulations, Your Highness. Your bearing is far more noble than I had been informed. [to Prince George] Take my hat at once, sir, unless you wish to feel my boot in your throat, and be quicker about it than you were with the door! Prince George: Yes, my lord. Duke of Wellington: [smacks him on the back of the head] I'm a duke, not a lord! Where were you trained, a dago dancing class? Shall I have my people thrash him for you, Highness? Blackadder: Uh, no. He's very new. At the moment, I'm sparing the rod. Duke of Wellington: Fatal error. Give 'em an inch, before you know it, they have a foot. Much more than that, you don't have a leg to stand on. [see George is still there, smacks him on the head again] Get out!

Duel and Duality

Blackadder: Tell me, do you ever stop bullying and shouting at the lower orders? Duke of Wellington: Never! There's only one way to win a campaign - shout, shout and shout again! Blackadder: You don't think, then, that inspired leadership and tactical ability have anything to do with it? Duke of Wellington: [brief pause] No! It's all down to shouting! BAH! Blackadder: I hear that conditions in your army are appalling. Duke of Wellington: Well, I'm sorry, but those are my conditions, and you'll just have to accept them. That is, until this evening, when I shall kill you. Blackadder: Who knows, maybe I shall kill you. Duke of Wellington: Nonsense! I've never been so much as scratched! My skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom. Which is more than you can say for my bottom.

Duel and Duality

MacAdder: So, tell me, cousin, I hear you have a cunning plan. Blackadder: I do. I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel. MacAdder: Aye, and what's in it for me? Blackadder: Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides. What do you say? MacAdder: Fourteen shillings and sixpence? Well, it's tempting, but I've got a better plan. Why don't I pretend to be the Duke of Wellington and kill the Prince of Wales in a duel? Then I could kill the king and be crowned with the ancient stone bonnet of MacAdder! Mrs. Miggins: And I shall wear the granite gown and limestone bodice of MacMiggins, Queen of all the herds! Blackadder: For god's sake, MacAdder, you're not Rob Roy. If you kill the prince, much less the king, they'll just send the bailiffs around and arrest you. MacAdder: Oh blast, I forgot the bailiffs. Blackadder: So we can return to our original plan? MacAdder: No, I'm not interested. I'd rather go to bed with the Loch Lomond Monster. Besides,

Duel and Duality

Prince George: Good portents for your duel, do you think? Blackadder: No, sir. I'm afraid the duel is off. Prince George: Off? Blackadder: As in "sod". I'm not doing it. Prince George: By thunder, here's a pretty game - you will stay, sir, and do you duty by your prince-! Blackadder: Or what, you port-brained twerp? I've looked after you all my life! Even when we were babies, I had to show you which bit of your mother was serving the drinks! Prince George: Oh please, you've got to help me! I've got so much to give! I need more time! Blackadder: A poignant plea, sir. One that could melt even the stoniest of hearts. But I'm afraid the answer must remain "You're going to die, fat pig." Prince George: Wait! I'll give you everything! Blackadder: Everything? Prince George: Everything! Blackadder: The money? The castles? The jewelry? Prince George: Yes! Blackadder: The highly artistic but also highly illegal set of French lithographs? Prince George: Everything! Blackadder: The amusing clock w

Duel and Duality

Duke of Wellington: Come, sir, choose your stoker. Blackadder: What, are we going to tickle each other to death? Duke of Wellington: No, sir, we fight with cannon. Blackadder: But I thought we were fighting with swords! Duke of Wellington: Swords?! What do you think this is, the Middle Ages? Only girls fight with swords these days! Stand by your gun, sir! Hup, two, three! Hup, two, three! Blackadder: Look, wait a minute- Duke of Wellington: Stand by cannon for loading procedure! Stoke, muzzle, wrench! Blackadder: [reading manual] "Congratulations on purchasing the Armstrong-Whitworth four-pounder cannonette. Please read instructions carefully and it shall give you years of trouble-free maiming." Duke of Wellington: Check elevation. Chart trajectory. Prime fuse. Aim... Blackadder: Look, wait a minute- Duke of Wellington: FIRE!!!