Quotes
Veep, season 3
Back to Veep, season 3Quotes
Some New Beginnings [3.01]
[to Dan] You have more nervous tics than a shoe bomber.
Read the full quoteAmy Some New Beginnings [3.01]
Dan: [as Amy pulls a phone out of her panties] You keep a second phone there? Hypocritical... and horny.
Photographer: One... two...
Amy: Shit on my tits! Maddox just resigned.
Read the full quoteSome New Beginnings [3.01]
Jonah: Ah! You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open.
Dan: Hey, Hepatitis J. How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh?
Jonah: It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.
Dan: You…
Read the full quoteSome New Beginnings [3.01]
Jonah: Sir, please, don't take this away from me. The West Wing is part of my DNA, and vice-versa. Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think from here on...
Kent: You're embarrassing yourself.
Jonah: Sir, I don't…
Read the full quoteSome New Beginnings [3.01]
You think you've seen the end of Jonah Ryan? You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan! I'm leaving here with my head held high, and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin.
Read the full quoteJonah The Choice [3.02]
Gary: About the campaign, I had an idea.
Selina: [handing him a used sanitary wipe] Here you go.
Gary: Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer…
Read the full quoteThe Choice [3.02]
Guy in boat: Hey, I voted for you!
Selina: Thank you very much, sir! But I’m afraid you have to go to prison!
Read the full quoteThe Choice [3.02]
Dan: We need to pick a number.
Selina: No, I know, but I need to get clarity here. I'm not feeling it.
Dan: I was clear! I was clear! We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to…
Read the full quoteThe Choice [3.02]
Look, I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado. But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.
Read the full quoteDan Alicia [3.03]
Kent: Ma'am, child care? Children are of no value. Forget child care.
Selina: Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.
Read the full quoteAlicia [3.03]
Selina: I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand me? I am letting them do that. Get it?
Ben: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Right. But they do not own me!
Ben: They…
Read the full quoteAlicia [3.03]
Catherine: Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It's like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of…
Read the full quoteClovis [3.04]
Gary: [holding dress] What do you think a theme, like a West Coast feel for tomorrow? I'm calling this Pacific Trim.
Selina: You know what "trim" is?
Gary: Yeah?
Selina: It's twat.
Read the full quoteClovis [3.04]
Melissa: Nature is very important to Clovis. Here is some.
Selina: Well how do take care of the roots?
Melissa: Oh, these are synthetic.
Read the full quoteClovis [3.04]
You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever they are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.
Read the full quoteAmy Clovis [3.04]
Melissa: We have a saying here at Clovis: "dare to fail".
Selina: Well that's a job well done.
Read the full quoteClovis [3.04]
Selina: I'm taking these people back to dial-up, you know what I mean? They think they're kings of America.
Kent: Well, in a way they are.
Selina: No, they're not!
Kent: Okay, I take your point.…
Read the full quoteFishing [3.05]
Joe Thornhill: [on TV] I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.
Selina: [to Ben] How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock full of assholes…
Read the full quoteFishing [3.05]
Mike: You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette. It's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.
Gary: She's gonna ask you for a chamomile. She doesn't want chamomile; she wants…
Read the full quoteDetroit [3.06]
Dan: Thanks for sending me the speech, Mike. It's perfect-
Mike: Great.
Dan: -ly shit.
Amy: Sorry to interrupt, um, there's been a shooting across the street.…
Read the full quoteDetroit [3.06]
Minna Häkkinen: I would like you to understand that in my country, politics is a lot more honest.
Selina: In your country, people fuck snow. And I hope you understand that I say that with the utmost respect.
Read the full quoteSpecial Relationship [3.07]
Dan: [on phone, walking out] Yes, I've seen the numbers, Ken. I know that she's bleeding blue-collars. So we're gonna make her look fucking folksy in a London pub.
Mike: Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "Dan's a fucking…
Read the full quoteSpecial Relationship [3.07]
Ben: I need a stiff fucking drink. In related news, Ray's talking.
Mike: Oh, God! To smart people?
Ben: He's currently with a woman from the Bank of England. It's like watching a goat try and use an ATM.
Read the full quoteSpecial Relationship [3.07]
Kent: [on phone] Amy, the emu has landed. Jonah's in London.
Amy: Shit. Maddox must've sent him here to spy or something. Jonah Bond, 00-Fuck-Off.
Read the full quoteSpecial Relationship [3.07]
Ray: Mike, what's your favorite part of this speech?
Mike: This is like Gettysburg. "Beneath the dark soil of Passchendale, 100,000 bodies still lie unaccounted for. Let today be their funeral service, and we their…
Read the full quoteSpecial Relationship [3.07]
Robb: Right, so unelected... loony has the ear and minge of the Vice President and he says that fat people——no, fat kids, fat kiddies have sinned in a past life!
Jonah: Yeah. Do you know how upsetting that's gonna be to…
Read the full quoteSpecial Relationship [3.07]
Ray: It's called cosmic balance. It's not anything the Buddha didn't talk about.
Ben: Yeah? Well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.
Ray: I believe in karma. Does that make me weird?
Dan/Mike/Ben: Yes!
Read the full quoteSpecial Relationship [3.07]
Kent: People are disturbed by your role—
Ray: Yeah, they think folks that are physical can't be cerebral, they think those two things are separate, that they're not... symbiotic.
Kent: No, no, no. You don't understand.…
Read the full quoteSpecial Relationship [3.07]
Selina: What a fucking misery marathon that was. [Looks around] Where is everybody?
Mike: Dan had a nervous collapse, Amy's taking him to the hospital, Ben went back to DC, Kent's firing Ray, and I'm in charge.
Selina…
Read the full quoteSpecial Relationship [3.07]
Let's get the merry old fuck out of merry old England. Okay, I need to be driven to the airport at Diana speed. Okay, just more carefully, though, please.
Read the full quoteSelina Special Relationship [3.07]
Let's check out your chart. Let's see how you're doing, here. Okay. All right. Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. Thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high…
Read the full quoteJonah Debate [3.08]
Amy: Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball, Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but the main targets here are Maddox and Chung.
Ben: Well hit Chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation; actual and general air of.…
Read the full quoteDebate [3.08]
I know it's terrible that the First Lady tried to kill herself, but our carrying on is what she would have wanted—does want.
Read the full quoteKent Debate [3.08]
Amy: Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?
Furlong: Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly…
Read the full quoteDebate [3.08]
Gary: She's coming... she's coming...
Mike: I think Gary's about to come.
Read the full quoteDebate [3.08]
[to Catherine, regarding Selina's new haircut] Just imagine, that's what you'll look like when you become a boy.
Read the full quoteFurlong Debate [3.08]
Gary: What do you think of the new cut, huh? Do you like it?
Mike: Of course I don't fucking like it! It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy!
Gary: The elven look is in right now, I was reading about…
Read the full quoteDebate [3.08]
Amy: If Thornhill strayed once, there may be others. Maybe a crack whore if we're lucky.
Catherine: Call me naive, but isn't that unethical?
Amy: You're naive. Welcome to politics.
Read the full quoteDebate [3.08]
Here's my favorite part, where they all pretend like they like each other. Fuck Broadway, this is real acting.
Read the full quoteFurlong Debate [3.08]
Chung: Today, we're here to talk about records. And my record clearly shows that, unlike some of us, I have been tested.
Ben: Here comes the burning tank story, where he saves the one guy, and the rest of us get fucking…
Read the full quoteDebate [3.08]
Moderator: Governor Chung, we live in a time when young people find in increasingly hard to find work. How would you address this issue?
Ben: Ten bucks he says, "bring back the draft."
Read the full quoteDebate [3.08]
If there is any dirty trick I cannot stand, it is honesty.
Read the full quoteAmy Debate [3.08]
I hate confessions, unless they've been beaten out of someone.
Read the full quoteBen Debate [3.08]
Amy: Jesus, that is a wicked twitch!
Doyle: I can't watch this.
Furlong: Neither can she 'cause her fucking eyes don't work!
Read the full quoteDebate [3.08]
Doyle: I think I've endorsed a Nazi!
Furlong: It'd explain the Hitler haircut!
Read the full quoteDebate [3.08]
Doyle: Now Maddox's daughter's gonna give him the bad news!
Furlong: "Daddy, you fucking blew it!"
Doyle: "Daddy, I've never been less proud of you!"
Read the full quoteCrate [3.09]
Amy: [on Thornhill] Listen to this idiot. They're not even soundbites, they're just sounds.
Dan: Yeah, but it works, though, that's the thing. I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.
Ben: Well, that's appropriate. It's the Corn…
Read the full quoteCrate [3.09]
Dan: Amy, I gotta say, you're doing a great job. Seriously, you do me better that I do me.
Amy: You do yourself a lot.
Read the full quoteCrate [3.09]
Amy: Uh, ma'am? Quincy Carter, the editor of the New Hampshire Globe, is here to speak with you.
Selina: Oh God, that Dickensian shit-stick?
Read the full quoteCrate [3.09]
[regarding Selina's new campaign "platform"] She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.
Read the full quoteMike Crate [3.09]
[regarding Quincy Carter] Oh my God, I cannot stand that affected butt-plug. If I could lift the fuckin' crate I'd beat him to death with it.
Read the full quoteSelina Crate [3.09]
Jonah: I screwed up, Mom. I should've never joined Maddox. Now he's finished, and I've come home to die.
Jonah's mom: Well, can your DC friends help?
Jonah: I don't have any friends in DC, Mom. They all call me a dick…
Read the full quoteCrate [3.09]
Mike: [trying to unlock a cellphone] It's password protected. Hang on. 0-0-0-1... 0-0-0-2... 0-0-0-3...
Selina: You cannot be serious.
Read the full quoteCrate [3.09]
Well, there's just... there's just no way out of this. I mean, you know, not for a sitting Vice President... who's lost Iowa and New Hampshire. You know what V.P. stands for? It stands for "victory perma-fucked." I don't…
Read the full quoteSelina Crate [3.09]
[to a reporter] You're asking a rhetorical question, and the answer's obviously No.
Read the full quoteDan Crate [3.09]
Selina: Kent!
Kent: Ma'am.
Selina: What? Are you okay?
Kent: Kind of, in a way. And also not. And, in a third way, both.…
Read the full quoteCrate [3.09]
Kent: The First Lady isn't in a good place.
Selina: Oh. Hospital.
Kent: Mentally. POTUS has decided that he wants to devote more time to looking after her.
Selina: Yikes!…
Read the full quoteCrate [3.09]
Someone has just flown two planes into my career.
Read the full quoteJonah New Hampshire [3.10]
Sue: The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.
Selina: Yes.
Sue: You will then acquire the nuclear codes.
Ben: Goodbye, China.…
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Selina: God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.
Amy: The presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so...
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Selina: I want you to be my acting chief of staff.
Ben: What?
Selina: Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.
Ben: Don't ask me that.…
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Dan: You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?
Ben: [looking around] I never said that.
Dan: Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.
Ben: No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a…
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Sue: We have to schedule calls for the UK Prime Minister, for China, and for the Vatican.
Selina: It's like a Google Maps of ass-kissing.
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Jonah: Dan! What the fuck is this?
Dan: What are you talking about?
Jonah: You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.
Dan: Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was…
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
I am the most powerful person in the world. Is that correct? [All agree] Any fuck-up from now on is not just a fuck-up, it's my legacy. Got it?! No fuck-ups!
Read the full quoteSelina New Hampshire [3.10]
Selina: Can we say that it was just an error?
Dan: No, ma'am, the entire world would notice that.
Ben: Yeah, it's terrible PR. You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fuckin' Lincoln Memorial. [into phone]…
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Sue: Ma'am? Secretary Maddox would like a meeting, stat.
Selina: No, stat. He's useless. He's a one-inch cock.
Sue: Got it.
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Dan: Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.
Jonah: What kind of idiot do you think I am?
Dan: Is there a choice?
Jonah: I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle…
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Mike: Isn't this plane amazing?
Ben: Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Selina: Hey, where is this photo op, Amy?
Amy: It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.
Gary: I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.
Selina…
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Mike: It's good we won Dixville Notch.
Dan: It's got a population of 12, Mike.
Mike: I know, Dan, but it's famous.
Gary: Our Lord Jesus started with 12.…
Read the full quoteNew Hampshire [3.10]
Amy: Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.
Selina: I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.
Read the full quote