Quotes

Dialogue

Dave: I wanna team up, like Batman and Robin. Mindy: Nobody wants to be Robin. Dave: What's wrong with Robin? Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin? Mindy: Robin wishes he was me. Dave: What I'm trying to say is, we should be partners. You and me, like the Dynamic Duo. Mindy: I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play pee-wee. Dave: So, train me. I wanna walk the walk, and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero. Aren't you tired of being on your own? Don't you wanna know someone's there for you? Someone who's got your back? Mindy: And you'll do anything I say? Dave: Anything. Mindy: Hit me. Dave: You're a fifteen-year-old girl... [Mindy slaps him] What the hell? Mindy: Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch. Dave: Oh, God.

Dialogue

Dave: [narrating] Mindy beat me like morning wood, every day for three weeks. Mindy: Come on, guard up! Left, right. Guard up! Dave: [narrating] Even with my damaged nerve endings, it hurt like hell. In a weird way, I kinda liked it. It gave me a sense of purpose.

Dialogue

Chris D'Amico: What the hell, Mom? Did you delete the news off the DVR? Mrs. D'Amico: Yes. Yes I did, Christopher. Chris D'Amico: That was the one with Kick-Ass! Mrs. D'Amico: Ugh, Christopher! You've got to stop obsessing over this superhero! Chris D'Amico: He is not a superhero, Mom. He's a murderer! He blew Dad up with a bazooka, for heaven's sake! Mrs. D'Amico: [making sign of the cross] Your father died in a fire. Chris D'Amico: A fire?!! What is your problem? Mrs. D'Amico: You! You are my problem! I am trying to raise you to be a normal boy. That's why we moved to Long Island after your father's accident. Chris D'Amico: A bazooka is not an accident, you delusional bitch! Mrs. D'Amico: This conversation is over! Chris D'Amico: Great! Then, I'm leaving. come on, Javier, be cool. Javier: Sorry, Chris, but your mom pays me not to be cool. Chris D'Amico: I hate you! You home-school me like I'm a prisoner! You threw away my Red Mist costume. God! I am not the problem! You are! I wish y

Dialogue

Hit-Girl: If I ever catch you robbing again, shit-burger, I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off. Promise me you're done with your life of crime? Thug: I-I promise. Hit-Girl: Pants on fire.

Dialogue

Marty: Come on, forget it. It's just one of those dickheads that follows the Motherfucker on Twitter. Dave: Who? Marty: The Motherfucker, he's some guy planning to be the world's first supervillain. He's got like a thousand followers already. Dave: What an asshole.

Dialogue

Mr. Lizewski: Dave, have you been sneaking out at night? Miss Neipert said she thought she saw you leaving at two in the morning. Dave: Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad. She tried to teach her dog Spanish.

Dialogue

Kick-Ass: JUSTICE FOREVEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!! Battle Guy: Glad you got that out of your system.

Dialogue

Javier: He's little, and he kills. Chris: Right. Call him "The Tumor". Who's next? Javier: Alright. We got an ex-Triad member, looking for work. Chris: Easy! "Genghis Carnage"! Come on! Javier: You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris. Chris: Archetypes. Keep going. Javier: Alright, we got a Katryna Dubrovsky. Yeah. Chris: Wait, wait, wait, a chick? You're saying you hired a chick? Javier: Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in the gulag until she ate her cellmate. Chris: "Mother Russia". Javier: Mother Russia and Motherfucker both on the same team? That doesn't work, Chris. Chris: I am not asking for suggestions. Just get them costumes and get them ready. Javier, thank you. I couldn't do this without you. You're pretty much like the only real family I have left. Javier: Not a problem, man. I got your back. Chris: It's kinda like you're the Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne. Javier: Did you just call me your fucking butler? Chris: Yeah, is it not a compliment?

Dialogue

Brooke: [as she and the other girls show up at night] Yay, you made it. Mindy: [realizes] Brooke? Brooke: This is to celebrate you. Mindy: Celebrate? Brooke: What a total loser you are...and we ditch losers. Poor Mindy. What did you think? The cool kids saw something special in you and invited you to your first party where you'd sip your first beer and finally suck face for the first time? News flash: you're not special. [gets in Mindy's face] Fuck with the queen bee and you're gonna get stung. [she and the others leave with Simon, leaving Mindy devastated and alone] Dolce: Date ditch. Harlow: Party at my house! Mindy: Pathetic. Brooke: Simon, you can drive us.

Dialogue

Brooke: [to the other girls] Well, if you really wanna be popular, consider two little words, "sex," "tape." Mindy: Lois, you don't need these ass wounds. If I can dress like them, so can you. [she hands Lois the money] It's a gift...from some drug dealer who went missing. Brooke: Just because you dress like us doesn't mean you can be like one of us. Mindy: It doesn't matter what costume I wear, yours or mine, I'm a superhero. That's who I am. [she sits down] Brooke: Okay, Captain Muffin-Muncher, have fun playing make-believe. Mindy: This? This is all make-believe, Brooke. The reality is you're an evil bitch who's just as bad as the worst criminal scum. [the other girls realize what Mindy has said, and they stare at Brooke in shock] Brooke: [insulted] You wanna get real, Mindy? In the real world, I win. I go to an awesome college, I marry a hot guy and I make adorable babies for my nanny to take care of while we vacay in Paris. My life is gonna rock, and yours is gonna suck. And no mat

Dialogue

Mr. Lizewski: Is this what you've been up to while I'm up working nights saving for your college? You've been dressing up and fighting people? There is blood on these stick things! Dave: What are you doing in my room? Mr. Lizewski: I was looking for drugs. I was worried about you. Dave: Oh okay, good. Now you can stop. Mr. Lizewski: No, now I'm even more worried. Jesus, Dave, drugs would've been better. This is...deranged. Dave: Whoa, some people do a lot worse. Mr. Lizewski: Oh, the people you hang out with? Dave: No, the people I hang out with are superheroes. Mr. Lizewski: There's no such thing, Dave. This is the real world with real consequences! When are you gonna grow up? Dave: If it means turning into you, never. I don't wear the mask 'cause I'm ashamed of who I am--not like you. Mr. Lizewski: What's that supposed to mean? Dave: If you're not at work, you're here doing crunches. Why? So you can look like someone else? Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing? Your life has no

Dialogue

Colonel Stars and Stripes: [to Eisenhower] You have to stay in there till you calm down, you lunatic. Wonder what's bothering you. Mother Russia: I know. Tonight you die. Colonel Stars and Stripes: [draws gun] Ladies first. Mother Russia: You will not shoot me. You are super hero. You help people. You do not hurt them. The Motherfucker: That's super villain territory or as I like to call my little gang, The Toxic Mega-Cunts. The Tumor: [waves] Hi. Colonel Stars and Stripes: [takes gun; clicks, Mother Russia realizes it's empty] Yeah, just like your head. Genghis Carnage: [Mother Russia overpowers Colonel, pulls out a machete and stabs him] Yeah! The Tumor: Ooh, that's gotta hurt. [Mother Russia uses Colonel's coat to wipe his blood off her blade] The Motherfucker: I did my homework on you, Colonel. You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you? Did a few jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born-again? Colonel Stars and Stripes: [dying] I used to hangout with a lot of losers. The

Dialogue

Mr. Lizewski: [looks at the convicts nervously, last words] Can I help you? Convict #1: [holds up a phone] The Motherfucker wants us to take a picture with you. Marty: [as he opens the front door, he and Dave enter the house] It helps that my dad is a really good lawyer. Because I don't think my beautiful ass would last too long in prison. [Dave gets a message on his phone] Dave: [checks his phone] Whoa, that's weird. Chris D'Amico just texted me a picture. Marty: [surprised] Red Mist? Whatever happened to that guy? Marty: [notices Dave] What is it? Dude, what's wrong? Dave: [narrating] The next few days passed in a fog. It didn't matter that I told the police about Chris. They couldn't find him. The cops did show up at Dad's funeral, not out of respect, but because they were scared something would happen. My dad was a decent man. All he ever did was try and give me a good life, [a flashback is shown where Dave and Mr. Lizewski are hanging up a poster in Dave's room] and I told him no

Dialogue

Kick-Ass: What's the matter, Chris? Shit hit your shorts? The Motherfucker: Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face. Kick-Ass: You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad. The Motherfucker: YOUR dad?! You BLEW UP my dad with a BAZOOKA!

Dialogue

Kick-Ass: What is wrong with you, dude? This is not a comic book, it's real-life! When you're dead, it's done! There's no sequel. The Motherfucker: You made this real. You started it! Now I'm gonna finish it. I'll be immortal, like an evil Jesus.