Quotes
Drake & Josh, season 3
Back to Drake & Josh, season 3Quotes
The Drake & Josh Inn
Megan: What?
Drake: [singing] We're gonna be the boss of you
Josh: [singing] And you have to do-oo what we say
Drake: [singing] Ha ha!…
Read the full quoteThe Drake & Josh Inn
We have a strict no-pet policy! [dog barks] Expect for you.
Read the full quoteJosh The Drake & Josh Inn
Megan: I want these people out of here!
Drake: [while getting dizzy] So do we!
Read the full quoteThe Drake & Josh Inn
Josh: Hello, happy Saturday!
Audrey: Josh? Is anything going on there?
Josh: Uh... no, nothing to speak of!
Audrey: Well, we're watching TV and we could swear we're looking at a wild party going on in our living room.…
Read the full quoteThe Drake & Josh Inn
Nikki: Hey, what's going on?
College Guy: Turn the music back up!
Drake: Everyone, quiet, please!
Josh: Okay, we have an emergency!…
Read the full quoteThe Drake & Josh Inn
Walter: Yes, officers, can we help you?
Cop: Yes. Sir, do you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city-authorized permit?
Walter: Heh?
Audrey: We didn't host a televised…
Read the full quotePeruvian Puff Pepper
Oh, my KITCHEN!
Read the full quoteAudrey Peruvian Puff Pepper
Josh: Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here!
Drake: Yeah, this place gives me the skives.
Josh: Do you see anything?
Drake: No, look under the bed.…
Read the full quotePeruvian Puff Pepper
Josh: [about the Peruvian Puff Pepper] Okay, so how do we buy some?
Drake: Can't. Says here they're only available in South Ah-mer-eeka. [Josh stares at him] What?
Josh: SOUTH AMERICA!
Drake: Oh!
Read the full quotePeruvian Puff Pepper
[satisfied] What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away…
Read the full quoteMegan We're Married
Josh: [looks up from a book] Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before?
Drake: [looks up from a magazine] Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up?
Josh…
Read the full quoteWe're Married
Hey Josh, I don't think Yooka came here to sing Yudonian folk songs. She probably wants to experience more American things, like sushi and Mexican food. Right, Yooka?
Read the full quoteDrake We're Married
Crazy Steve: Hey, Josh.
Josh: Oh hey, Craz- Uh, Steve.
Crazy Steve: Heh. So, I got that uh, I got that foreign film ready for ya in Theater 5.
Josh: Oh uh, oh okay. Well, um, the thing is we, we decided to see Puppet…
Read the full quoteWe're Married
Josh: [smiles] You know, you're going to ruin your cuticles.
Drake: [stops, unamused] Yeah, you can make jokes. You're still single.
Josh: She just wants to stay in America. You might be technically married, but it's not…
Read the full quoteWe're Married
Audrey: Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me [yelling] WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL!
Drake: Well, you see Josh arranged this-this whole friendship ceremony, but-but it turned to be a marriage…
Read the full quoteWe're Married
Josh: More meatballs?
Yonka: Mmmm! Please. This food is most excellent.
Josh: Glad ya like it.
Walter: You know, Josh has always been a wonderful cook. In the 5th grade, he won 1st prize for his brownie recipe. What'd…
Read the full quoteWe're Married
Josh: [sits at his computer] Oh Drake, check out this email from Yooka. She writes, [reads, in a poor Yudonian accent] when we got back to Yudonia, I met a wonderful boy named Akbu! We fell in love and are engaged to…
Read the full quoteMindy's Back
Mindy: Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you anytime I want?
Josh: Oh, yeah?
Mindy: Yeah. Say fort.
Josh: Fort.…
Read the full quoteMindy's Back
Mindy: Maybe I just like you!
Josh: Maybe I just like you, too!
Mindy: Oh, really?!
Josh: Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much!…
Read the full quoteMindy's Back
Josh: Hey, Mindy.
Mindy: Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window?
Read the full quoteThe Affair
Josh: Drake.
Drake: We've got a problem with dad.
Josh: I got him a dandruff shampoo.
Drake: This isn't a dandruff problem, Josh. It's a woman problem.…
Read the full quoteThe Affair
Josh: What's up?
Walter: Nothing. What makes you think something's up? I mean, heh, come on. Heh, come on.
Josh: Where've you been?
Walter: Huh?…
Read the full quoteThe Affair
Josh: Drake, wake up! Drake, Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! [climbs onto Drake's bed and jumps on him] DRAKE, WAKE UP! I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! Hi.
Drake: I'm calling the police.
Josh: Look, Drake, alright…
Read the full quoteThe Affair
Josh: A-Are you okay?
Drake: What's the matter?
Walter: [choking and suffering] Cu-cu-cumin!
Josh: Cumin!? Cumin!? [angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes] YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!…
Read the full quoteThe Affair
Drake: What's up?
Josh: Hi.
Peggy: Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers?
Drake: No, actually uh, Walter is our dad.…
Read the full quotePlaying the Field
Drake: Alright. Uh, Tori.
Josh: [in a very girly voice] What is it, Drake?
Drake: Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that.
Josh: I'm being a girl.…
Read the full quotePlaying the Field
Drake: Josh, is Tori here?
Josh: Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy.
Drake: Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here [stares at Josh's half shaved mustache] What happened to the other half…
Read the full quoteHelen's Surgery
Drake: [while wandering around Helens house] Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place must've cost you like, a billion dollars.
Josh: Yeah, how do you afford all this?
Helen: Is that some of…
Read the full quoteHelen's Surgery
Josh: Don't worry, Helen, JOSHY'S COMING!!! [falls in the hot tub, surfaces after a few seconds] She's not in here. I've lost my sightless, loopy boss.
Drake: Yeah, but how nice is that hot tub? [Josh angrily pulls Drake…
Read the full quoteHelen's Surgery
Priest: Today, we come to lay to rest Helen Ophelia Dubois, or you might know her as Georgia, the spunky kid sister in the hit show "Happy Times".
Drake: [mimicking Georgia] That is not my job!
Priest: But sadly, these…
Read the full quotePaging Dr. Drake
[sheepish] It works.
Read the full quoteDrake Paging Dr. Drake
Megan: [grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall] Mom, there's a bug on the wall.
Audrey: Josh, go kill the bug.
Josh: [gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot] Go kill the bug.
Drake: I don't want…
Read the full quotePaging Dr. Drake
Josh: What's taking so long?
Audrey: They have to develop the x-rays.
Josh: I hate this place.
Audrey: Just be patient. Get it? "Patient"? [laughs] Oh, why do I try?…
Read the full quotePaging Dr. Drake
Walter: Pardon me, nurse.
Nurse: Yes?
Walter: Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols.
Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away.…
Read the full quotePaging Dr. Drake
Audrey: [voiceover] Megan!
Megan: Yes, mommy?
Audrey: [voiceover] Where are you?
Megan: Um. Hang on. I'm in Drake and Josh's room.…
Read the full quotePaging Dr. Drake
Dr. Carlson: Yes well, I was just coming to talk to you about that. Until I ran into somebody out in the elevator.
Drake: Who's he?
Dr. Carlson: This is Dr. Nussbaum.
Josh: [points at Drake] You mean he's an impostor?!?…
Read the full quotePaging Dr. Drake
Josh: I cannot believe you jumped out that window.
Drake: I can't believe I broke my arm.
Josh: Yeah, but at least you don't have to worry about. [starts feeling cold] Uhh! Ok. Is it like really cold in here?
Drake…
Read the full quotePaging Dr. Drake
Drake: Aw, here, come on, man. Let me take you to the hospital.
Josh: No, no. I'll be fine.
Drake: Come on. You said it was broken.
Josh: Ow! I'm not going to an hospital. Look, I'm sure it's just a bruise.…
Read the full quoteFoam Finger
Young Josh: Hey!
Young Drake: [acting like a bully] Hey.
Young Josh: I'm Josh, what's your name?
Young Drake: Drake.…
Read the full quoteFoam Finger
Young Josh: [complaining] Hey! What the heck is taking so long?
Young Drake: Oh, don't worry. The line's moving pretty fast.
Young Josh: [complaining] Who asked you?
Lenny: Next in line.…
Read the full quoteFoam Finger
Josh: You started that fight!
Drake: You calling me a liar?
Josh: I ain't callin' you a truther.
Read the full quoteFoam Finger
Josh: What are you doing?
Drake: Just thought you might what to see something.
Josh: No! Alright, there is nothing that you can show me right now that would ever make me forgive you- [gasps as Drake shows him his foam…
Read the full quoteFoam Finger
Walter: Now how much longer are you two gonna fight over a dumb foam finger?
Drake: Until he admits he started the fight.
Josh: You thumped me in the back of my 8 year-old head.
Drake: I did not!
Read the full quoteFoam Finger
Josh: Okay. Well, then would you please tell everyone, that he is the one that thumped me on the back of my head, and that's what started the fight?
Drake: No, you can tell everyone here that he just attacked me for no…
Read the full quoteFoam Finger
Lenny: [narrating] The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these 2 boys get in line at the concession stand...
Audrey: Okay, Drake, here's some money, you…
Read the full quoteFoam Finger
Josh: Can you believe us? I mean, we've been fighting this whole week. We were fighting when we were 8 years old.
Drake: Yeah, I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80.
Josh: [chuckles] Yeah.
Elderly Josh: I am…
Read the full quoteFoam Finger
Drake? Drake, you awake? [picks up his Oprah cardboard] Oh, Oprah. Oh, Commander Nichols. [kisses his Oprah cardboard as Drake wakes up from his dream too] It could happen.
Read the full quoteJosh Girl Power
Drake: You know what I love about you?
Lucy: What do you love about me?
Drake: You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you.
Lucy: Huh?…
Read the full quoteGirl Power
Mr. & Mrs. Crewshaw.
Read the full quoteJosh Girl Power
Lucy: [throws Drake] Whoops.
Drake: Not bad.
Lucy: Well, there's a lot more where that- [Drake wrestles back] ahh!
Read the full quoteGirl Power
Josh: [incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting by picking him up] IT'S A DRAW!
Mr. Crenshaw: Josh, who are these people?
Josh: Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is-
Mrs. Crenshaw: He's your brother?…
Read the full quoteSheep Thrills
Josh: What just happened?
Drake: You said you were gonna get Josh!
Josh: HUH?
Read the full quoteSheep Thrills
Josh: What up with the sheep?
Megan: [comes in the garage] Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep?
Drake: This thing's yours?
Megan: Yes, he's mine. Are you okay, Baaahhb?…
Read the full quoteSheep Thrills
Josh: What did you do?
Drake: I didn't do anything! I-I-It was him, the sheep did this.
Read the full quoteSheep Thrills
Josh: [tired] Oh, we did it.
Drake: [tired, picks up the lamb] Yeah.
Josh: [tired] Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... [now awake] You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make…
Read the full quoteSheep Thrills
Josh: That's it, 30 days. [crosses out day on the calendar] Tomorrow we are free men.
Drake: [brushing his teeth] Yeah, it's about time.
Read the full quoteSheep Thrills
[satisfied] So?
Read the full quoteMegan Drake & Josh Go Hollywood
Josh: Can I ask your opinion on something serious?
Megan: Is this about your rash?
Josh: No!
Read the full quoteDrake & Josh Go Hollywood
Audrey: [on why she won't go on a cruise] Boats sink.
Walter: It's not a boat, it's a ship. And ships don't sink.
Audrey: Tiiiiiiiiiiitanic.
Walter: That was just a movie.…
Read the full quoteDrake & Josh Go Hollywood
Josh: Where have you been?
Drake: I told you, I went to go get a corn dog.
Josh: It took you over an hour just to get 1 corn dog?!
Drake: I also had a drink.
Read the full quoteDrake & Josh Go Hollywood
Megan: Do you ever clean this car? It's full of trash.
Drake: Hey, everything in this car is very important to me!
Megan: [holding up a dead bird] Like this dead bird?
Drake: Aw, Tweeter died!
Read the full quoteDrake & Josh Go Hollywood
Drake: [arrives with his and Josh's drink] Here.
Josh: Hey.
Drake: Her plane take off yet?
Josh: Nah. I think it's about to.…
Read the full quoteDrake & Josh Go Hollywood
Head of Security: Alright boys, I hope you learned a very important lesson on how seriously we take airport security.
Drake: Oh, we learned. Especially during the strip search.
Josh: Which was shockingly thorough.
Head…
Read the full quoteDrake & Josh Go Hollywood
Megan: Excuse me? I think the pilot made a mistake. This plane is going to Denver, right?
Attendant: No, we're in route to Los Angeles.
Megan: Los Angeles? Not Denver?
Attendant: No.…
Read the full quoteDrake & Josh Go Hollywood
Megan: Hi.
Gate Agent: Yes, can I help you?
Megan: Well see, I wasn't supposed to fly here to Los Angeles but my 2 boobish brothers put me on the wrong plane. So could you please put me on a flight to Denver?
Gate Agent…
Read the full quoteDrake & Josh Go Hollywood
Drake: Okay, let's go get Megan!
Josh: Okay, but first...
Drake: What?
Josh: I gotta pee really bad.…
Read the full quoteDrake & Josh Go Hollywood
Josh: I can't believe that we're in Los Angeles driving a stolen car!
Drake: It's not stolen.
Josh: STOLEN!!!!
Drake: We borrowed it. Which is a perfectly reasonable choice when you're trying to avoid being attacked by 2…
Read the full quoteMegan's New Teacher
Josh: Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom.
Adam: Oh! My names Adam.
Josh: No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching…
Read the full quoteMegan's New Teacher
Josh: [with German accent] Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I?
Katie: A hobo?
Josh: No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist.
Neil: Harry Potter.…
Read the full quoteMegan's New Teacher
Megan: Hey, guys. [her friends stare at her] Happy birthday, Katie.
Katie: Oh, hi, Megan.
Megan: I think you're gonna love this!(Talking about her present)
Katie: Uh, didn't you get my text message?…
Read the full quoteMegan's New Teacher
[satisfied, after Josh was fired by her and Drake] Strike 3 and you're out!
Read the full quoteMegan Little Sibling
Mrs. Hayfer: Good morning, adolescents. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. [looks at the empty seat] We have an empty seat, who's not here?
Becca: [runs up to…
Read the full quoteLittle Sibling
Mrs. Hayfer: See you tomorrow, class.
Drake: Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me?
Mrs. Hayfer: None!
Drake: None!…
Read the full quoteLittle Sibling
Mrs. Hayfer: [comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy] Very, very, interesting.
Drake: Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public?
Mrs. Hayfer: Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would…
Read the full quoteLittle Sibling
Josh: Mr. Talbot, the principal wants to see Drake right now.
Mr. Talbot: Very well, Drake, you may go.
Drake: Yes, sir.
Read the full quoteTheater Thug
Megan: I so don't want to do this!
Josh: Come on! Just work with me for 10 minutes!
Drake: What are you guys doing?
Megan: He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted.…
Read the full quoteTheater Thug
Josh: It happened 3 times.
Helen: Just get to work!
Read the full quoteTheater Thug
Drake: Come on.
Josh: I feel like an idiot.
Drake: You look fine.
Josh: [he walks out, in a hippie disguise] I look so stupid.…
Read the full quoteTheater Thug
JOSH, DUCK! [accidentally hits Josh with a mop; to the thug] I have a mop!
Read the full quoteDrake The Demonator
Josh: Hi, parents.
Drake: Bye, parents.
Walter: [stops the boys from leaving] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
Drake: Uh, to make history.…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Drake: 15. Only 15 people away from riding The Demonator.
Josh: I can't believe we get to ride it the first night it opens. Uh oh. I just had a bad thought.
Megan: What? You might grow old, never get married, and die…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Craig: Drake said he'd be asleep all night.
Papa Nichols: [wakes up] Oh, where am I? What's happened?
Eric: He's disoriented.
Papa Nichols: What did you call me?…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Eric: [looks out the window] Papa Nichols?
Craig: [in the kitchen] Papa Nichols?
Eric: Papa Nichols?
Craig: Papa Nichols?…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Megan: I can't believe you got us sent to the back of the line!
Drake: You just had to pee!
Josh: Sorry. Yeah, next time, I'll just let my bladder explode.
Megan: Thank you!
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Eric: Craig, I found him! He's upstairs!
Craig: Ohh. [hollars] Thank goodness!
Eric: Papa Nichols. Papa Nichols, are you feeling better? [he opens the covers, but Papa Nichols pranks him as he covers him in a pillowcase]…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Josh: Hey. [takes the tail from him] You do not yank off Milfred Mouse's tail.
Drake: Josh, stay out of it.
Milfred Mouse: Hey, buddy. [drops his axe] You do not yank off my tail.
Josh: Yeah, I know, he's the one--…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Papa Nichols: Alright. For the last time, what have you done with Colonel Bradford?
Craig: We don't know.
Eric: We're not Germans.
Craig: We're from Lawndale.…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Josh: [hangs up his phone, worried] Oh, man, this is not good. Eric always answers his cell phone.
Drake: Dude, I'm sure Papa Nichols is still sound asleep.
Josh: No. That's not the point, alright? We have to go home.…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Eric: Almost-- [they finally get the rope off]
Craig: We're free.
Craig and Eric: Yeah! [they run off, but Papa Nichols pranks them as they sit back down and ties them back up] Oh, oh. We're sorry, we're sorry, so sorry…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Josh: Why are Craig and Eric tied up?
Eric: Because your great-grandfather went berserk. That's why.
Craig: He's an animal!
Josh: What? [he unties them]…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Walter: Well. I should wake him up and take him to the guest room. Papa Nichols. Papa Nichols. Wake up. It's time to-
Papa Nichols: AH! [wakes up and punches Walter, knocking him out satisfied; laughs] Nice try, German!…
Read the full quoteThe Demonator
Craig: Eric! Eric? Eric. Eric? Eric? [he opens the closet door but he got runs off as Papa Nichols pranked him]
Papa Nichols: Tell the marines the beach is secure! [he runs off to get Craig]
Read the full quoteAlien Invasion
Josh: Hey! Hey!
Drake: Oh, hey. Want some sandwich?
Josh: No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?!
Drake: [takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues] Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so…
Read the full quoteAlien Invasion
Josh: Hey, she out there?
Drake: Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are.
Josh: Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio.
Drake: Mmm, ham radio.…
Read the full quoteAlien Invasion
Ya know, sometimes, I feel you just use me.
Read the full quoteEric Alien Invasion
Megan: Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? [hears alien noises] Who said that? [Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her] Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away!…
Read the full quoteDr. Phyllis Show
Sometimes, he just drives me insane!
Read the full quoteDrake and Josh Dr. Phyllis Show
Megan: Hey! Hey! HEY!
Josh: What?!
Megan: [venomously] It is 11:45 PM. I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up with your…
Read the full quoteDr. Phyllis Show
Dr. Phyllis: What I'm asking you is if there might be someone else in your household that causes you guys stress?
Drake and Josh: [furiously] Megan...!
Read the full quoteDr. Phyllis Show
Dr. Phyllis: Unbelievable!
Drake and Josh: I know.
Dr. Phyllis: Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations.
Josh: No! I will not share the…
Read the full quoteDr. Phyllis Show
Drake: Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had.
Josh: Back at ya, brother.
Drake: [sips his Mocha-Cola, then cringes] This is diet. Here, switch with me.
Josh: No. You already took a sip.…
Read the full quote