Quotes

Pilot [1.01]

[High after smoking a joint] Has it been a long time since I've talked?

Pilot [1.01]

Molly: Wait a second, you're dating my mother? Vince: Hey, old soup is still good if you heat it up.

First Date [1.02]

Mike: [at a restaurant] How's your snapper? Molly: [loopy on cold medicine] Fine. How's your penis?

First Kiss [1.03]

Mike: I'm alright, Nana. How are you? Grandma: Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie!

First Kiss [1.03]

Mike: She was showing off and speaking in different languages. Grandma: You mean in tongues like the Pentecostals? Mike: No, like French and German and Shakespeare. Grandma: Oh good, 'cuz I've been to a tent revival and that mess will put you off Jesus!

Mike's Apartment [1.06]

Molly: Look, I have no interest in pouring hot wax on my lady business and ripping all the hair out. Victoria: Eighteen months, four days, five hours, sweetie. I can have that wax heated up lickity split. Joyce: And then he can get at it lickity split. Molly: All right, maybe a little off the sides. But we should probably have a safe word. Joyce: Well, I always just scream 'Ouch, my hoo ha!'

Mike's New Boots [1.09]

I know he's not your father, but he treats me like a queen. And you can crack walnuts on his johnson.

Molly Gets a Hat [1.10]

Molly: [talking to Vince, Joyce and Victoria] Somebody has to go out there and talk to Mike's mom. Victoria: I'll do it. Molly: [slight pause] Weird thing is, you were my first choice.

Carl Gets a Girl [1.11]

Mike: [Molly asked what Carl is doing in Mike's apartment with the door chain locked] He's probably in there doin' some broad. Molly: [Punches Mike's shoulder] Mike, that's disgusting! Mike: Sorry. He's in there making sweet love to some broad. Molly: [Punches him again] So, you're telling me right now he's in there having sex on our bed? Mike: I don't think so. Carl likes to stand and deliver.

Mike Goes to the Opera [1.13]

Molly: Mike's taking me to "La Boheme" Joyce: The opera? Have you told him that Elmer Fudd isn't in it?

Mike Goes to the Opera [1.13]

[At the opera with Molly] God, where is John Wilkes Booth when you need him?

Mike Goes to the Opera [1.13]

[to Molly after sneezing in the car] Here's a million dollar idea. Windshield wipers on the *in* side.

Mike's Feet [1.18]

[Speaking of Carl's frugality] Unfortunately, your wallet and your pants are like Superman and Clark Kent: never in the same place at the same time.

Mike's Feet [1.18]

[Admonishing Carl] You're going to apologize because it's the Christian thing to do. And if you don't, I'm gonna part your behind like it's the Red Sea and my foot is Moses.

Peggy Shaves Her Legs [1.19]

When I die, pull out the stops; I want to look peaceful but do-able.

Peggy Shaves Her Legs [1.19]

My motto's always been: A little powder, a little paint, makes you something that you ain't.

Opening Day [1.20]

Mike: Look at me, Carl. It's the 9th inning and I have not had *one* hotdog! Vendor #2: You want everything on it, big guy? Mike: Walk away! Walk away! Walk away!

Samuel Gets Fired [1.21]

Mike: Carl, you're my best friend in the world, but you're a hot head and a loud mouth. Officer Carl McMillan: That's just when we have to play good cop, bad cop. Mike: It's actually more [placing his hand on his chest] embarrassed cop, and [waving his hand towards Carl] source of embarrassment cop.

Peggy's New Beau [1.24]

Molly: Dinner was delicious. Good for you, finding a man who knows his way around a kitchen. Officer Mike Biggs: I know my way around a kitchen. Molly: I meant cooking, not finding an Oreo in the dark.

I See Love [6.13]

Mike: Molly, it's 2:00 a.m. Molly: Already? Mike: You can't do this every night. Molly: But I want to. Mike: Come on. You're pregnant. You need to get your sleep. Molly: I like watching him. Oh. I can't believe all this is happening. Mike: I can. I've known it since the first time I saw you. Molly: Mike. Mike: I'm serious. I said, "That is the woman I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with." Molly: What about the cramped house full of mental patients? Mike: That I didn't see coming. But I wouldn't change a thing. Molly: Not a thing. Both: I love you. Molly: Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Both: La-la-ba-dee-dah, la-la-ba-dee-dah. For the first time in my life, I see love.