Quotes

Dialogue

Bartleby: Alright, Schrader. What about you? Schrader: Well, B, I'm glad you asked that, actually, cuz since we're going to prison, I want to learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush. Bartleby: Okay ha ha. I'll tell you something though, all our lives we've been told what to learn, well today the tide is going to turn my friend because today we're gonna ask the customers.

Dialogue

Schrader: Hey, you wanted to fool your dad and the guy's not an idiot. And also, it was your idea to put "acceptance is just one click away". Bartleby: Yeah, you put it as "one click away", you don't make it clickable!

Dialogue

Bartleby: Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon? Ben: Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that they're gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision! Jack Gaines: I... I, I just don't understand... Ben: DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school... Bartleby: [quietly] Holy shit... Jack Gaines: [after long pause] ... Which is? Ben: ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary. Jack Gaines: [long pause] I couldn't agree more. Diane Gaines: It is so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally! Ben: Fuckin' A!

Dialogue

Bartleby: [seeing Schrader in his hot dog costume] Oh, no! Schrader: Ask me about my wiener! Ask me about my wiener-r-r-r-r-r! Bartleby: [approaching with Monica] Schrader? Monica: Hey. Schrader: Oh hey, B. And Monica. Bartleby: Why are you wearing that? Schrader: Every brother of my fraternity has worn this suit. President James Garfield wore this suit like a gentleman! Bartleby: Oh yeah, and look what happened to him? He got assassinated by Charles Guiteau. Bartleby: Don't ask me how I know that. [Monica laughs] Schrader: Listen, could you guys ask me about my wiener real quick? Bartleby: Schrader [pause], no. Schrader: Guys, this is important! My fraternity brothers could be watching me right now! Just ask me about my wiener, please! Bartleby: Why are you doing this? Schrader: What do you mean? Bartleby: This, you're humiliating yourself, buddy. Schrader: [angry] You know what, B? Don't mess with me, alright? These are the happiest times of my life right now! I've never been happier

Dialogue

Bartleby: You said you didn't wanna be a part of this thing. Schrader: I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wanted to be the fourth generation of Schrader to go to Harmon. But then I realized, I would much rather be the first generation of Schrader to go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology. I said it, okay? I said it. Bartleby: So you're saying... you're saying you want to be a S.H.I.T. head? Schrader: I'm saying I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.

Dialogue

Diane Gaines: Are you huffing? Bartleby: Oh god. Diane Gaines: Are you high? Jack Gaines: You're huffing grass? Bartleby: No I'm not huffing mom I'm not stoned I'm completely fine, in fact I'm more clear and level headed than I've ever been. Jack Gaines: Okay cut the crap Bartleby. Society has rules and the first rule is: You go to college. You wanna have a happy and successful life, you go to college. If you wanna be somebody, you go to college. If you wanna fit in, you go to college. Bartleby: Well you know what? Maybe I didn't get into college!

Dialogue

Glen: I got fired from Quick & Stop. Bartleby: How come? Glen: For making a shrimp slushee. Bartleby: Aw Glen, that is disgusting! What on Earth inspired you to make that? Glen: I was hungry and thirsty!

Dialogue

Hoyt Ambrose: Hey, I know you. You are..the guy! Bartleby: Yeah, I'm..The Guy! What can I do for you? Let me guess...you want me...to sign a petition banning minorities from your yacht club? Hoyt Ambrose: I need to see the leaseholder. Harmon College would like to buy the property. Where can I find him? Bartleby: I can tell you that the leaseholder is not interested in selling. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to enjoy my wad. Hoyt Ambrose: Open up! Bartleby: Now go back to whatever game show you host. Hoyt Ambrose: This is not funny! Freaky Guy: Is this a test?

Dialogue

Lizzie Gaines: Bartleby, I know that this is not real. I will tell Mom and Dad. Bartleby: Fine, I dare you! Lizzie: Hello Mom, I was just visiting Bartleby. Could you please pick me up at... Bartleby: OK, OK, you win. Name something, not money related. Lizzie: Your razor scooter. Bartleby: Done. Lizzie: And a fake ID. Bartleby: No way! I will not be an accessory to you buying booze! Lizzie: It is so I can vote, doofus! Bartleby: Oh, well then OK. Glen: You need a razor scooter to vote?

Dialogue

Dr. Alexander: So, is that it Mr. Gaines? You have one teacher for upwards of 300 students? Bartleby: [silent] Dr. Alexander: Mr. Gaines! Answer the question! Bartleby: Nah, I'm not gonna answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces. And it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look, and not by who we are. Just because you want us to be more like them, when the truth is, we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! Harmon College, and their 100 years of tradition, but tradition of what? Of hazing kids, and humiliating anyone who's a little bit different? Or putting so much pressure on kids that they become these stress freaks and caffeine addicts? Dean Van Horne: Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere! Bartleby: Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules, and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have