Quotes

Dialogue

C-130 Pilot: I'm gettin' somethin' on the sonar! Engineer: What is it? C-130 Pilot: Strong reading from underneath the cap rock, sir!

Dialogue

Scott: [indicating a faulty toy kangaroo] Alexander, let's think. Take the hat off. [Alexander removes the hat, kangaroo hops easily] Too much counterweight. Alexander the Elf: Thanks, Santa, you're the man. Scott: That's why they gave me the big belly, so I don't fall over. [chortles]

Dialogue

Scott: Come on, Pork Chop. Bring it on. Elf: Who you callin' "Pork Chop", Meatloaf? Scott: "Meatloaf"? You wanna talk some trash? I'll talk trash with ya. But first, I'm gonna blitz. Elf Quarterback: Ready, set! Scott: [to another elf] I'm comin' after you, buddy. Elf Quarterback: Seven swans-a-swimming! Six geese-a-laying! Elves: Five golden rings! Elf Quarterback: HIKE!

Dialogue

Scott: That's weird, isn't it? Puppets: Uh-oh! Scott: These fit yesterday, didn't they? Abby: Hot cocoa for you, Santa. Bernard: This is not a good time, Abby. Abby: I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans. Scott: What's the bad news? Abby: [smiling] What do you mean? Scott: Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. [Abby's smile fades, and she gives him the naughty-and-nice list] What are you doin' with the naughty-and-nice list? Abby: Just don't shoot the messenger. [Scott opens the naughty-and-nice list] It's...Charlie. Scott: Sheen? I thought he straightened out. Abby: Not that Charlie. Scott: [realizes] My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list? Puppets: [shocked] AAAAAAH!!!! [hide] Scott: This is - There's gotta be a mistake. Abby: We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me. [leaves] Scott: Well, how could this happen? Is this what you and Curtis were trying to tell me? Curtis: Great! You told him! Good! Let's ge

Dialogue

Mother Nature: Santa? Santa? Are you with us? Scott: Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am. Mother Nature: Well, on behalf of Father Time, and the entire Council of Legendary Figures, I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host. Tooth Fairy: Hear, hear. Easter Bunny: What a lovely place. Cupid: Hear, hear. Mother Nature: And without further ado, let's convene the year-end holiday conference. [bangs gavel] Tooth Fairy. Tooth Fairy: Thank you, Mother Nature. Fellow Council members, I'd like to, again, propose a new name for myself. Cupid: Come on! Mother Nature: Good heavens! Tooth Fairy: In the past, you have rejected "Tooth Man", "Tooth Guy" and "Tooth". Cupid: Because they stunk. Tooth Fairy: Today, I'd like to submit..."Captain Floss". Cupid: Nice! Tooth Fairy: "Plaque Man". Easter Bunny: D'oh! Tooth Fairy: And "Roy". Cupid: [laughs ironically] "Roy". No. No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy. Tooth Fairy: This from someone in a diaper, and shoots arrows

Dialogue

Laura Miller: Scott! Scott: Hey. Laura: Hey! You trimmed your beard. Scott: Yeah. Neil Miller: Come here, big guy. [hugs Scott; chuckles] Whoa, you lost some weight there, huh? Slim-Fast? Scott: You don't know how fast. Laura: We should get going. Scott: Oh, okay. Laura: Okay? How do you always know when there's a problem? Scott: Well, I see you when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake. Neil: Which is a pretty frightening concept, when you think about it. Laura: You know, Scott, we're really worried about Charlie. He keeps upping the ante. This time, he defaced school property. Neil: It's a classic case of acting out. Scott: I'm blaming myself for this. Laura: Oh, come on, now. We're both his parents. Scott: Where is he? Laura: He's waiting for us in Principal Newman's office. Scott: Principal Newman. There's something about that woman that makes me want to deface public property. [chuckling] He-he-hey! Carol: Hello, Mr. Calvin. Laura, Neil. Laura and Neil: Miss Newman. Scott: Pr

Dialogue

Carol: [in her office] Not only is it an affront to authority, but a blatant disrespect for property. My feeling is if this sort of thing continues, I'll have no other recourse than to suspend-- Scott: Excuse me, excuse me. Is there a rest stop between here and the end of the lecture? Because I'm more interested in why this happened in the first place. Carol: So am I. Charlie, we're all worried about you. It feels to me like you're trying to get someone's attention. What's bothering you? [Charlie shrugs] Dr. Miller? Neil: Neil. Carol: Neil. Uh, do you have any theories? Neil: Well, frankly, I have several. Scott: Here we go. Let's just order a pizza. Laura: Scott, you're not helping. [Scott sits down and groans] Neil: I was listening to a new tape series on child development just last night. Scott: [hits his head on the file drawers] Y-Y-You know what the problem is? Excuse me, Neil. It's four weeks until Christmas. That's a major holiday in December. Carol: Oh. Scott: Have you noticed

Dialogue

Scott: What do you mean it's not straight? Comet: [grunting] Just because. Scott: Sure, it's straight. Comet: [grunting] Uh-uh. Scott: Maybe your head's crooked. [Comet grunts in protest] You know, Prancer's not this picky. Comet: [grunting] Yeah, he is. Lucy: Hi, Comet! Comet: [grunting; happily] Hi! Lucy: I've got something for you. Scott: Hey, Lucy, what have you got there? [Lucy unwraps a Christmas-themed Crunch Bar] Oh, you gotta be careful with the sweets: He tends to overeat. Lucy: Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus? Scott: What? Why would you ask me something like that? Lucy: [feeds the Crunch bar to Comet] 'Cause you have a reindeer, and only Santa has reindeer. Scott: Nonsense. A lot of people have reindeer. Lucy: Name five. Scott: [chuckles] Well...most of them live in Finland, but I can't pronounce their names. [Comet stares at Scott] Besides, reindeer are too stupid to make good pets. Lucy: Well, I think you're very smart.

Dialogue

Curtis: Well, I think he's learning at an excellent rate. Bernard: Oh, really? Curtis: Yeah. Bernard: This morning, he ate a bowl of waxed fruit. Toy Santa: [while reading the contents of handbook of rules] Wait a minute. I need the naughty-and-nice list. Bernard: No. Toy Santa: Oh, yes, yes. It says I'm supposed to check it twice. Bernard: Santa already checked it. Toy Santa: No, I didn't. Bernard: The real Santa. Toy Santa: I am the real Santa. Bernard: I'm sorry? Toy Santa: I'm in charge here. Bernard: What? Toy Santa: I'm supposed check the list twice. That's the rule. I like the rules. I think you're aware of how I feel about that. Bernard: I think you're misunderstanding something. Toy Santa: No, no, I'm a rule maker. I like the rules. Santa likes the rules.

Dialogue

Police Officer: [grabs walkie-talkie microphone attachment] He's heading east toward the main entrance! Carol: [sternly] Hello, Charlie. Charlie: [scared] Hello, Principal Newman. Carol: Are Laura and Neil on their way? Scott: No, I volunteered to go solo on this one. Carol: Oh, y-you look-- You've really lost weight. Are you feeling all right? Scott: I was until I got this phone call. [sees graffitied lockers with Carol Newman saying, "Trim a tree, go to jail!"] Charlie, you promised that you weren't gonna do this again. Now you've broken a promise. What's the matter with you, Charlie? I'm gonna have to punish you. I'll ground him for two months. Charlie: I thought you were on my side! Scott: How can I be on your side when-- Carol: I'm gonna do one better, Charlie. You're suspended. Charlie: But, Dad! Scott: Hold on a second. I'm just as upset about this as you, but isn't there another way that we can punish him that doesn't involve taking him out of school? Carol: What did you have i

Dialogue

Toy Santa: [wearing an admiral uniform] Can I have your attention? Stop the work, please. Everybody, stop the work. [the elves stopped working] Merry Christmas! That's nice. I have a little announcement to make. From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys. Elves: [confused] What? Huh? Toy Santa: The children of the world don't deserve these presents. They're running rampant with naughtiness. So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give these greedy, selfish little kids exactly what they deserve. A beautiful, high-quality, yet-low sulfur variety of coal! Elves: [shocked] Coal?! Toy Santa: Quiet! Elf: [to the other elves] We can't give them coal. Toy Santa: We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead. And just to make sure that happens. [an elf hands him a horn] Thank you, sweetie. [chuckles] I-- I hate to blow my own horn. [blows the horn to summon the human-sized wooden toy soldiers, surrounding the elves] Bernard: Stay where you are! Don't be afraid! Curtis: Back! Bac

Dialogue

Charlie: How could you pick her?! Scott: I didn't pick her. Charlie: You don't care anymore! Scott: Charlie, I care more about you than anybody else, but it's a two-way street. What am I supposed to do if you won't confide in me? Charlie: All right, you want it? Scott: Yeah. Charlie: All right, here it is. Scott: [shushes Charlie and they both move into the living room] What? What? Talk to me. Charlie: Okay, I don't live a normal life. Scott: You live a great life here. Charlie: No, no, no, just listen to me! My friends get to go around saying, you know, "M-My dad's a plumber. My dad's a pilot. My dad's a dentist." [voice breaking] Well, you know what? My dad is the best thing of all, and I can't tell anyone about it! Dad, you have no idea how hard that is, walking around with that secret for all these years. And now on top of everything, you're going out with Principal Newman, I mean, and you don't even tell me about it? My whole life has become about secrets, and I hate it! [sniffles

Dialogue

Toy Santa: [singing] ♪ Dashing through the snow in a strip-mining machine. Flatten the hills we go. ♪ [to an elf] Come on! Put a smile on that face, little troll! Wait a minute. I got a joke. This'll cheer you up. Knock, knock! Elf: Who's there? Toy Santa: Aren'tcha. Elf: "Aren't you" who? Toy Santa: <big>AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO GET BACK TO WORK?! All of you, you little idiots! Back to work!</big>

Dialogue

Lucy: Are you an elf? Curtis: No, of course not. Why would you ask such a silly question? Lucy: How come you have pointy ears? Curtis: It's because I never ate my green vegetables. [leans closer] Do you eat your green vegetables? Lucy: [feels her ears; worried] Uncle Scott!

Dialogue

Curtis: The toy Santa's gone completely out of control. He's locked up the elves, shut down the workshop, he thinks everybody's naughty, and he's gonna give the whole world COAL! Scott: Well, how come Bernard didn't come down and tell me this? Curtis: He's under house arrest. Scott: [shocked] Bernard? Curtis: Yeah. You've gotta fly back with me to the North Pole to save Christmas! Scott: I can't. I have no magic left. I'm out of magic, look. [shows Curtis the watch, which the handle had gone down to zero] Curtis: [grunts angrily] I thought you had Comet. Scott: Yeah, we-- Curtis: [smiling] Ah? Scott: [realizing] Yes! Come on! [cut outside to the backyard] Hey, Comet. We just-- [sees Comet is lying on the ground, morbidly obese] Comet? Comet? Look at me. Look at me. Comet. [Comet groans sickly] What are ya doin'? You're not supposed to eat sugar. It's bad for you. [Comet grunts] What do you mean, you didn't eat this? [Comet grunts] Who did? Comet: [grunting] A squirrel. Scott: A squirre

Dialogue

Toy Santa: It's Scott, isn't it? Scott: Yeah. What are you supposed to be? Toy Santa: A better, stronger version of what you used to be, with a flawless complexion, I might add. Look, it just glistens. Scott: Listen to me, I'm back now. So, untie us. Let the elves go and give me back the coat. Toy Santa: Oh, I, uh-- [mutters, then he inhales] No can do! It's Christmas Eve! I have coal to deliver! And I don't want those naughty kids to suffer! [laughs]

Dialogue

Bernard: Okay, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll? Carol: Chet? Bernard: Yeah. He's still in training. Scott: How much flight time has he had? Bernard: About a minute-and-a-half. Curtis: Hey, but he's had a lot of crash time. Scott: [sternly] Curtis. Curtis: He's just a baby.

Dialogue

[to the elves] Snowballs on the count of 3! 1... [the elves drop to their knees and make snowballs] ...2... [elves aim their snowballs] ...3!

Dialogue

Bernard: Where are you going? Scott: You should know this, number 1. It’s Christmastime. I've gotta deliver gifts. Bernard: But, Santa, aren't you forgetting something? Scott: No. Bernard: You gotta get married. Carol: Excuse me? Scott: Carol, I, uh-- I cannot continue being Santa...unless I find a Mrs. Claus. Carol: Oh. So that's what the whole "noodles-and-pie" thing-- You just needed to find a wife. Scott: No. Carol: No? Scott: Yes. Carol: Yes? Scott: Yes, I was looking for a wife. No, I didn't figure on falling...in love. Carol: You love me? [Scott nods] This is all happening so fast. Scott: Well, there's, there's no pressure. Carol: Good. Scott: I mean, if I don't get married, I just won't deliver the gifts, and children everywhere will stop believing, the elves will lose their jobs, the North Pole...will disappear, and Christmas will be gone. Abby: Get down on one knee. Scott: Hmm? Abby: Do it. Now. [Scott does so] Say "Carol..." Scott: Carol... Carol: Uh-huh? Yeah? Abby: "...you