Quotes

Dialogue

Alan Stanwyk: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut. Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep? Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you. Fletch: Yeah, I assure you. Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen. I don't see how you can pass that up, Mister...? Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent. Alan Stanwyk: Alan Stanwyk. Fletch: Ellen? Charmed. You know, for an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner...

Dialogue

Fletch: You know, I came this close to buying this place, but then I found out that Hop-along Cassidy killed himself here. Alan Stanwyk: Who? Fletch: Hop-along Cassidy. Bow and arrow. Very Weird. Alan Stanwyk: What, are you doped up now? Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, ass-face, I don't work for you, yet.

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Alan Stanwyk: Do you own rubber gloves? Fletch: I rent. I have a lease, with an option to buy.

Dialogue

Hispanic Housekeeper: Buenos días. Fletch: Pup 'n' Taco.

Dialogue

Waiter: Excuse me señor, you are a member of the club? Fletch: No, I'm here with the Underhills. Waiter: The Underhills? They are left, Señor. Fletch: Oh they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis. Waiter: Would you like some drinks, señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill. Fletch: Oh, yes. Very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a...steak sandwich.

Dialogue

Fletch: I'm a friend of Alan's. I'm John. Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John. John who? Fletch: John Cock... tos... ton. Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name. Fletch: It's Scotch-Romanian. Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination. Fletch: So were my parents. Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out? Gail Stanwyck: Alan's in Utah Fletch: I...can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning. Gail Stanwyck: You know, if I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who hit on me, I'd be a rich woman. Fletch: You ARE a rich woman. Gail Stanwyck: See what I mean?

Dialogue

Fletch: Do you have caviar? Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion. Fletch: Well, I better just take two portions of that, then.

Dialogue

Gail Stanwyk: You ordered lunch to my room. Fletch: Well, I knew that's where my mouth would be. Gail Stanwyk: Are you always this forward? Fletch: Only with wet, married women.

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Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again? Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss. Madeline: Who's Frieda? Fletch: My secretary.

Dialogue

Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from? Fletch: We play tennis together at the club. Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? The California Racquet Club? Fletch: Yes. Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there. Fletch: Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains. Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you been having these pains, Mr. Barber? Fletch: That's Babar. Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two bs? Fletch: One. B-A-B-A-R. Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two. Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant. Dr. Joseph Dolan: Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar? Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any. Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children? Fletch: No, elephant books. Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's an odd name, Babar...I don't recall seeing it on the club register. Fletch: Well, I don't formally belong. I'm a guest of my aunt. Dr. Joseph Dolan: Your Aunt? Fletch: Yes. Mrs. Smith. Dr. Joseph Dolan: June or M

Dialogue

Receptionist: Can I help you Dr...? Fletch: Oh it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file. Receptionist: Dr. who? Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I just need to get to the records room. Receptionist: What was that name again? Fletch: It's Dr. Rosenheit, I want to check the records room. Receptionist: Dr. who? Fletch: Dr. Rosen! Where's the records room?

Dialogue

Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large? Fletch: No, not since breakfast.

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Fletch: Where am I? Records Nurse: You're in the records room. Fletch: Oh. Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're at it.

Dialogue

Kid: Are you a cop? Fletch: As far as you know. Kid: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft? Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car? Kid: I sure did. Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law. Fletch: I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants. Kid: [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit! Fletch: Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.

Dialogue

Fat Sam: I've got some reds. Fletch: You don't mean communists, do you Sammy?

Dialogue

Fletch: Aren't you gonna read me my rights? Cop: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him. Fletch: I think I'll waive my rights. Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Why don't you two leave us alone? Fletch: Yeah, go down to the gym and pump each other. Chief Karlin: What's your name? Fletch: Fletch. Chief Karlin: What's your full name? Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch. Chief Karlin: What do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch? Fletch: I'm a shepherd. Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch? Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.

Dialogue

Fletch: Can't keep me here, chief. Chief Karlin: Maybe I'm not going to keep you here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out. Fletch: Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but... I do believe that's a violation of my rights.

Dialogue

Gail Stanwyk: [Looking at photos of her husband and another woman] Look at her! Would you look at her?! She looks like a hooker! Could you love someone who looked like that!? Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! ...five, ten minutes tops, maybe.

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Stanton Boyd: What kind of a name is Poon? Fletch: Comanche Indian.

Dialogue

Gummy: [after Fletch gets kicked in the crotch] Fletch! Are you all right? Fletch: Oh, yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.

Dialogue

Frank Walker: What about this guy, 'Fat Sam'? You said you had pictures of him. Fletch: I do have pictures of him. Dealing. Frank Walker: Well let's go! We'll run the pictures! Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him. Frank Walker: Who's the source? Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a "grey" area. Frank Walker: How grey? Fletch: Charcoal?

Dialogue

Willy: Why the hell you need ball bearings for? Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple maybe you need a refresher course. [leans arm on hot engine part, then jumps away] Heyya! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.

Dialogue

Fletch: [Talking to the PanAm Reservations Agent at LAX] I hope there's no-one sitting next to me. See, I always fly first class and I take up both seats. I'm in bridge construction and these fold outs take up a tremendous amount of space! Reservation Agent: I'm afraid there is somebody sitting next to you... Fletch: Oh for god-dahh-dahh! Who is it, Mister Sinilindin?! Reservation Agent: No, the name is Cavanaugh. Fletch: Ah! Is that Morris or Pierre? Reservation Agent: It's Sally-Ann Cavanaugh. She's connecting out of...Provo. Fletch: Ah...Provo, Spain? Reservation Agent: Utah. In fact, you purchased the ticket for Ms. Cavanaugh. Fletch: Doesn't mean I want her sitting next to me, does it?