Quotes

Dialogue

Nancy: Somebody's awfully quiet back there.. Brennan: I'm not gonna call him "Dad". Nancy: Brennan, you're 39 years old. I would not expect you to call him "Dad". Brennan: Well, I'm not going to. Ever. Even if there's a fire! Robert better not get in my face... 'cause I'll drop that motherfucker. Nancy: Jesus, Brennan!

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Dale: Dad. We're men, okay? That means a few things; we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked. Robert: (Thinks for a minute) We literally have never done any of those things.

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Brennan: Where did he go to medical school? Nancy: He went to Northwestern and Johns Hopkins, is that good enough for you? Brennan: No, it’s not. Nancy: Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools. Brennan: I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins. Nancy: You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins. Brennan: It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering. And they were blazing that shit up every day.

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Dale: Alright, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good. I've got a luscious V of hair going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro. And she takes one look at me, and she goes: "Oh my God. I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf." And she grabs me by the wiener-- Robert: [yelling at Dale] SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Dialogue

Robert: That's enough ketchup... Come on, Dale. (Pounds the table) Dale: I like it! Robert: That's enough. Nancy: (As Brennan takes a small bowl of sauce from the table) Dale, I don't know if you...you might wanna try this. I make a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"... Brennan: (Begins pouring the sauce on his meal) For me. Nancy: ...That Brennan really likes with his chicken nuggets. Brennan: It's my fancy sauce. Nancy: Well, when Brennan finishes I'll give you some of this, and its...its just ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together, so.. Brennan: Its so good. Dale: I want some fancy sauce. Brennan: I'm not done using it. Robert: Looks good. Dale: Can I have some fancy sauce? Nancy: Of course, of course. Brennan: I'm using it right now Nancy: So, let's let him try some. You wanna try some, Dale? Dale: Yeah, I really would like some. Brennan: Just one last spoonful. (Stops pouring the fancy sauce) Nancy: Hey, I think you've got enough there, Brennan. So here you go. It's ketchup and mayonn

Dialogue

Dale: Hey. Are you awake? Brennan: Yeah. Dale: I just want you to know I hate you. So does my dad. Brennan: Well, that’s fine. ‘Cause guess what? I hate you too. And this house sucks ass. Dale: The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime. Brennan: Who's the retard? Dale: You. Brennan: (Loudly) Hey ya'll don't say that! Dale: Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded. Brennan: (Softly) Just shut up. Dale: You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learn-ed doctors. Brennan: You're not a doctor... You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck. Dale: (Turns towards Brennan) Oh, yeah? Brennan: (Turns towards Dale) Yeah. Dale: I'm a curly-headed fuck? Brennan: Yeah. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face. Dale: I hope you stay still when you sleep... because I'm putting a rat trap betwe

Dialogue

Dale: Hey. Brennan: Hey. Dale: Why are you so sweaty? Brennan: I was watching Cops. Dale: Not supposed to have your feet on the couch.

Dialogue

Dale: [to Brennan, believing he touched his drum set] Hey, man. Did you touch my drum set? Brennan: Nope. Dale: It's just weird 'cause...it seems like someone definitely touched my drum set. Brennan: Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch em'. Dale: [becoming angry and throws Brennan's feet off the couch] HEY! DID YOU TOUCH MY DRUM SET?! Brennan: Hey, knock it off! Dale: I know you touched my drum STICK. 'Cause the left one has a chip in it! Brennan: [gets up from the couch and becoming angry with Dale] Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated. Dale: Fuck you, Brennan! I know you touched my drum set, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it! Brennan: You get outta my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass! Dale: You swear on your mom's life you didn't touch it then?! Brennan: I don't have to swear to SHIT! Dale: [yelling at Brennan] THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU FUCKING TOUCHED MY DRUM SET, 'CAUSE I KNOW, COPS DOESN'T START TILL 4:00!

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Brennan: Your drum set's a whore! I tea bagged your fucking drum set! Dale: Well, my drum set's a guy, so that makes you gay, you fucker!

Dialogue

Dale: Dad, what are you doing? It's Shark Week! Robert: Okay, here's the deal. Number one, you will fix the fucking dry wall, NOW! Number two, you have one month to find jobs or you're on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday, and you will GO! Dale: Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son. Robert: I'm not buying that crap anymore. Nancy: Today, I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs. Brennan: Mom, I honestly thought I was going to be raped, for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes and a one point he said “let’s get it on”. Dale: That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper! Brennan: Look, I didn’t touch your drum set, okay? Dale: I witnessed with my eyes, your testicles touching my drums set. Robert: [losing control of his rage and yelling at Dale and Brennan] ALL RIGHT, THAT’S IT!! That’s it. You two guys leave me no choice. No television for a week. Dale and Brennan: [angrily] WHAT!? Nancy: We are

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Dale: [Pops up from the tree house's entrance] You're right about your brother. [climbs inside] Total dick. Brennan: [Is reading a pornographic magazine] Told you.

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Brennan: Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain? Derek: What? Brennan: If you lick my butthole. Dale: SNAP!! (He and Brennan do a high-five)

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Brennan: Did we just become best friends? Dale: Yep! Brennan: Do you wanna do Karate in the garage? Dale: Yep!

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Dale: Can we turn our beds into bunk beds? Brennan: Yes. Nancy: Why are you guys so sweaty? Dale: Alright, we've already figured out how to do this, the best match-up perfectly... Brennan: And here's the thing. It will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities! Dale: Please say yes. Robert: You don't need permission from us to build bunk beds. You're adults, you can do what you want. Dale: So...? Robert: I'm not making myself clear... I don't give a fuck. Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds. Dale: So...? Brennan: We can..? No? Nancy: Yes. Brennan: Thanks. You guys are not gonna regret it. Dale: This is the funnest night ever!

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Dale: [Regarding the job interviews that occurred] Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened? Nancy: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart. Brennan: Oh, he did? Nancy: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or...? Dale: No. I thought it was gonna be silent. Brennan: It was not silent... Brennan: It got louder... Dale: It made a sound. It was embarrassing... Brennan: It got louder.

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Sporting goods manager: I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day. You guys seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedo's to the interview, that's funny, it's ironic, I get that. Underplaying tho whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So...lets do this, you know? You guys are in, you're hired. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it. Brennan: Great. Sporting goods manager: ...Was that a fart? Dale: I don't know. Sporting Goods manager: I can taste it. On my tongue. Dale: Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart. Sporting Goods manager: Is that onion? Onion and...onion and ketchup. It stinks. This is a small room... Brennan: Shit. Sporting Goods manager: Okay, now the tuxedos seem kinda fucked up.

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Gardocki: Does butt buddy have a name? Brennan: If you're referring to me as butt buddy, yes, I do have a name. It's Brennan Huff. Redheaded Kid: If you don't come over here and lick that white dog shit, I'm gonna plow you into your nose with my fist. Brennan: I'm not licking any white dog shit. Dale: I'll lick the dog shit if you leave us alone. Brennan: Dale, you're not licking dog shit, okay? Dale: Huh? Brennan: They're kids. Dale: But it's just dog shit. Brennan: It's ridiculous!

Dialogue

Brennan: So... Big question is, aside from the damage to the boat, which we will fix, what'd you guys think of the presentation? Nancy: [measured tone] Brennan, I think that what you did to Robert's boat was horrid. Having said that, I think that both of you boys showed a lot of enthusiasm and inventiveness. Brennan: Yes, thank you. Robert: [to Nancy] You gotta be kidding me. They destroyed our dream and you're calling it inventive. Nancy: No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. Robert: Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Come on, you did. It's gonna be four years, at least, before we can sail anywhere. And you could care less, admit it. Nancy: [offended] I will not admit that, because it is not true. Robert: Oh, yeah. Nancy: But, you know, I do think that you could show a little bit more attentiveness to your son and your stepson who obviously need you. Brennan: It's true, Dr. Doback. You've been very cold and unsupportive of our dreams. Robert: [to Brennan] You wrecked my fucking boat, you G

Dialogue

Derek: So I just drove off, I started going on my way to Chad Michael Murray’s Christmas party. I think that was the year. And just driving… Nancy: I have to interrupt you. Robert, while the children are in the living room, I think this would be a good time to make our announcement. Dale: What’s going on? Robert: It's over. I'm gonna be moving in with my friend, Jack Handle, and Nancy found a townhouse in the city. Brennan: What is this? What’s happening? Nancy: What Robert is trying to say is that we are getting a divorce. Brennan: Don't do this. Dale: No. No! Derek: I gotta say, I could've called this one. Yeah. Dale: No. Derek: Yeah. Brennan: Is it our fault? Dale: Is it because we were bad? Nancy: No, that’s the main thing that Robert and I talked about is that we did not want you two to blame yourselves. Dale: What can we do to fix it? Alice: Dale, honey, are you okay? Derek: Why are you calling him "honey"? Nancy: I cannot stress this enough. It is not your fault. Dale: Whose fau

Dialogue

Brennan: Hey. Are you awake? Dale: Yeah. I can't believe we actually have to move out of this house. Brennan: I know, I feel bad. Dale: Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here. Brennan: Yeah, but can we keep doing it though? It helps me pretend that they are. Dale: You must feel just terrible. I mean, I know I feel bad. Brennan: Yeah. Dale: But I can't imagine how you feel...after my dad looked right at you and said...it's all your fault that they broke up. Brennan: That's funny, because my mom said; "If that curly-headed fuck Dale wasn't here, everything would be perfect." Dale: [angrily switches the lamp on] You take that back. Brennan: No way. It's your fault. Dale: [He and Brennan get up from their beds] You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land, you refuse to get a job, and you don't even know what it's like to work for something. Brennan: You don't take responsibility for your actions, and that's why this is all your fault! Dale: W

Dialogue

Dale: [Is inside of the hole] What are you doing? Brennan: [As he's shoveling dirt on Dale] I'm burying you! Dale: [Sobbing] But I'm alive! Brennan, I'm alive! Brennan: [Continues burying him] You're waking the neighbors! SHUT UP!!! Dale: No! Brennan: Now I'm gonna play your drum set! Dale: Help me! Brennan: Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you.

Dialogue

Brennan: So I guess it's really over. Dale: I'd say you trying to bury me alive pretty much did it. Brennan: You know what I just realized? You've been the one that's been dragging me down. Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna get a job and an apartment; and then I'm gonna get Mom and Dr. Doback back together. I'm gonna be the hero, and you can suck on it! Dale: My life was perfect before you came here. Me and my dad had a perfect setup, and you wrecked it! Brennan: Hey... [Dale turns to him] We're no longer brothers. Dale: We never were. We were stepbrothers.

Dialogue

Robert: [About his dream to be a dinosaur] Listen to me. Listen to me, Dale. Look, when I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world. I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard and I chased the neighborhood cats, and I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me. And then one day my dad said, "Bobby, you're 17. It's time to throw childish things aside." And I said, "Okay, Pop." But he didn't really say that, he said, "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job." But you know, I thought to myself, "I'll go to medical school, I'll practice for a little while, and then I'll come back to it." Dale: Dad... Brennan: How is that a skill? Robert: But I forgot how to do it. Dale: You're human. You could never be a dinosaur. Brennan: Yeah. Robert: Hey, I lost it. Dale: Dad, what's the point? Brennan: Yeah. Robert: The point is don't lose your dinosaur. Yeah.

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Brennan: Listen, I know we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me, against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale. Dale: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that's what you mean.

Dialogue

Pam: (Interviewing Brennan) Well, Brennan you certainly have had a lot of jobs. Brennan: I'm a bit of a spark plug...and, Human Resources Lady, I think... Pam: You know, actually, it's Pam. Brennan: I'm sorry. Well, Pan... Pam: No, my name is PAM. Brennan: Are you saying Pam? or Pan? Pam: I'm saying Pam. Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this gentlemen behind you? (Dale pokes his head out from behind Brennan) Dale: Hello, Ms. Lady! I'm Dale, I'm Brennan's stepbrother, and I think I may be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma. Brennan: Yeah, that'd be great. Dale: Pan. Pam: Pam. Brennan: Pand...There's a D on the end. Dale: With an M. Pam: There's no D. it's Pam. Dale: It's like "Comb" except P-A-N-M. N-N. There's two N's. Brennan: Two M's. That was the confusion. Pam: I think we've had enough... Brennan: Shush up for one second. Shut your mouth. Wait. Shut your mouth. Pam: I'm sorry what did you say? Brennan: You're just coming off stupid. Pam: Oh. I'm coming off stupid? You're wearing tuxedos

Dialogue

Brennan: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria. I'll do you in the bottom while you're drinking sangria! Dale: Nachos and Lemonheads... Both: ...on my dad's boat! Dale: You won't go down, 'cause my dick can float! Brennan: We sail around the world, and go port to port. Every time I "cum" I produce a quart. Nancy: That is offensive, Brennan, Dale. Brennan: Deadliest Catch without the crabs, we're almost out of gas... Both: Call the Arabs! Background voice: Boats and hoes, boats and hoes, I gotta have me my boats and hoes...

Dialogue

Randy: (To Brennan) Not bad. You're nailing it. Brennan: Thanks, Randy. That means a lot. Randy: Yeah. I don't know what it is, but I wanna deliver one of these (Holds up fist) right into your suckhole. Brennan: Is there anything I can do? Randy: No, not really. It's your face. Again, you're doing great, man, The Catalina Wine Mixer. We're all having a great time, having fun. You pulled it off...but if you don't change your face... I'm gonna change it for you. Brennan: Okay, okay. All I can do is take that in, consider it...And I'll just do my best version of whatever I think that would be. Randy: I don't even hear you, your face is driving me nuts. Brennan: Thanks again, though. Randy: (Distracted) Oh tits, hold on. (Walks away)

Dialogue

Brennan: Listen. Mom...Mr. Doback. Robert: Don't call me Mr. Doback. Brennan: Ok...Mom, Doback. Gardocki: Well, if it isn't Dale Doback and his little butt-buddy. Brennan: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki! Gardocki: LET'S GET THEM!!! [The children and Dale and Brennan begin charging at each other, resulting in a fight]

Dialogue

Dale: Where do you think you're going? Brennan: (with Dale) Huh? Gardocki: Home. Dale: We got something to show you. Brennan: Come on. [Later, they torture Gardocki with white dog excrement, as Brennan is holding him by the neck] You see that white dog crap?! Dale: Do you see it?! Gardocki: Yeah! Dale: Not too fun down there, is it?! Gardocki: No! Brennan: You see, your actions have consequences! Dale: When you oppress people, they rise up in a fiery anger!! Brennan: (releases Gardocki, who runs away in defeat) Go home! Dale: We're not like you! We're grownups, motherfucker! Brennan: Say "hi" to your dad! We went to high school together!