Quotes

Pilot [1.01]

Christy: While other mothers were cooking dinner, you were cooking meth. Bonnie: Otherwise known as working.

Pilot [1.01]

Some mothers teach their daughters how to bake. Mine taught me how to beat a cavity search and still feel like a lady.

Pilot [1.01]

Christy: Mom, I've watched you lick cocaine crumbs out of a shag carpet. Bonnie: It's not a sin to be thrifty, dear.

Pilot [1.01]

Christy: Violet, I can't tell you not to have sex at your age, because I had sex at your age. Violet: Mom, I'm not having sex. Christy: Uh, don't lie to the woman who washes your sheets.

A Pee Stick and an Asian Raccoon [1.02]

Christy: That's how you get into heaven, letting a little guy go up on you. Bonnie: I wish. All he wanted to do was spank me. Christy: Well, no good deed goes unpunished.

A Pee Stick and an Asian Raccoon [1.02]

Violet: I'll have the test results in two minutes. Christy: That's great. I mean the time to worry is so much less. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 20 minutes. Violet: Really? Christy: Yeah, that's how far science has come. So, that's great! [to Bonnie] We'll know the test results in 2 minutes. Bonnie: Wow. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 2 hours. Christy: Really? Bonnie: Yeah, that's a long time to wait in a gas station bathroom.

A Small Nervous Meltdown and a Misplaced Fork [1.03]

You know, I had sex with a missionary once and oddly -- he wasn't a fan of the position.

A Small Nervous Meltdown and a Misplaced Fork [1.03]

Bonnie: [holding up one of Christy's dresses] Were you sober when you bought this? Christy: I don't even remember. I hate all my clothes, they're all from when I was drinking. Bonnie: [holds up red plastic dress] What were you when you bought this? Christy: Popular.

A Small Nervous Meltdown and a Misplaced Fork [1.03]

Roscoe: [playing blackjack] I don't have anymore money. Bonnie: No money? Or no money ON you? Roscoe: Well, I have some upstairs in my piggy bank. Bonnie: Well it's not doing you any good up there, is it?

A Small Nervous Meltdown and a Misplaced Fork [1.03]

Bonnie: So how'd it go with your boss? Christy: I broke his leg *and* his nose. Bonnie: It felt good, didn't it? Christy: No, it didn't. Bonnie: A little bit? Christy: ...A little.

Six Thousand Bootleg T-Shirts and a Prada Handbag [1.05]

Christy: Regina, I know this is difficult for you, but I just want you to know, I think you're doing great. Regina: Really? 'Cause I think I might snap and kill you and your mother in your sleep.

Six Thousand Bootleg T-Shirts and a Prada Handbag [1.05]

Bonnie: Recovering from the fatal disease of alcoholism doesn't mean I can't get some strange every once in a while. Christy: You should sew that on a pillow.

Abstinence and Pudding [1.06]

Marjorie: Christy, if a man won't wait until you're ready to share your secret garden, he's not worth a second of your time. Bonnie: Secret garden? Holy Moses, how many cats do you own? Marjorie: Four.

Abstinence and Pudding [1.06]

Luke: I'm telling you, I walked in on my parents having sex once and it traumatized me. Violet: This isn't the same thing. Luke: Yeah, it's worse, the kid can't run out of the room screaming. Violet: [Christy enters] Mom, tell Luke he's not going to hurt the baby. Christy: ...If I do that, he'll have sex with you. [to Luke] Stick to your guns.

Abstinence and Pudding [1.06]

Bonnie: [Christy doesn't want to talk about her relationship] So how about you, Luke still worried he'll poke the baby's eye out? Violet: Luke is a very caring and sensitive person, and I don't want to talk about it. Bonnie: [pause] Well since nobody's going to ask me, I'll tell you, I took home a vice cop last night and I do want to talk about it.

Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast [1.07]

Christy: [speaking to Luke's parents] All right, I just want to say that we've all come to really love your son, and I know my daughter is crazy about him, so... I'm sure there's a happy ending in here somewhere. Bonnie: If Violet just gave him a happy ending we woul... Christy: Mom!

Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast [1.07]

Christy: [as Luke's parents are leaving] By the way, Pastor. We're going to raise the baby Jewish. Bonnie: And we're not Jews. Christy: Shalom, bitch!

Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast [1.07]

Bonnie: [as Christy tucks her in] Am I pretty? Christy: What? Of course you are, you're beautiful. Bonnie: I don't feel beautiful. I feel like a man trapped in a man's body. Christy: That's all in your head. Bonnie: Are you saying I'm crazy? Christy: Not in this context. Go to sleep, things will look a lot better in the morning.

Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast [1.07]

Nathan: We're not sure that Luke is the only boy who has slept with this temptress. Bonnie: Now hold it right there, I can assure you that with every generation of our family, the women get better. Now, I may have been a drunken slut. Christy: She was. Bonnie: And my daughter may also have been a drunken slut. Christy: Hey! Bonnie: What? Christy: Sorry, go on. Bonnie: But this angel was pure as snow until she smoked your son's blunt, drank his tequila and made mad passionate love to him for about 2 minutes. [to Violet] Am I right so far? Violet: [uncomfortably] Pretty much.

Belgian Waffles and Bathroom Privileges [1.10]

Christy: Dammit, I forgot I have to take Violet to her doctor's appointment! Bonnie: I know, I had Luke take her in early. She's gained 3 pounds, the baby's the size of an heirloom tomato.

Belgian Waffles and Bathroom Privileges [1.10]

Violet: Do we have a Bible? Christy: We have one that's hollowed out. Violet: Why would it be hollow? Christy: ...I misspoke. We don't have a Bible. Violet: Never mind, I'll just get one at the library.

Belgian Waffles and Bathroom Privileges [1.10]

Christy: Why do you want to read the Bible? Violet: Because I'm curious. Christy: What? I didn't raise you to be curious. Violet: Luke's father thinks I should come to his church and work on my soul. Christy: Well you tell Luke's father that I said your soul can kick his soul's ass.

Cotton Candy and Blended Fish [1.11]

Christy: Marjorie, how many cats do you own? Marjorie: Oh, you don't own cats. You love them. Christy: Okay... How many cats do you love? Marjorie: [pointing and gesturing] Well, let's see. That's Carlos Santana, and that's Grace Slick, and that's Boz Skaggs, and Steve Miller, and these three are the Tower of Power horn section. And this fat little trouble-maker is Jerry Garcia. So... eight.

Cotton Candy and Blended Fish [1.11]

Christy: [walks in on Luke and Violet on her bed with her jeans half on] God, lock the door! Luke: No, it's not what you think, I'm trying to get them *on* her. Christy: What? Violet: None of my stupid pants fit! Christy: Of course not, Violet, you're pregnant. You had to know this was going to happen. Violet: I did but I still wanted to be hot. Christy: You were hot, that's why you're pregnant.

Corned Beef and Handcuffs [1.12]

Rudy: But the real magic happens when we start to combine flavors. For example, take a simple cherry tomato, squirt a little aged balsamic vinegar into its fleshy center... Bonnie: Cherry. Squirt. Fleshy. You can't help yourself, can you? Rudy: It's very hard.

Corned Beef and Handcuffs [1.12]

Christy: Rudy said he doesn't want to see you anymore. Bonnie: What? Wait, why are you telling me this and not him? Christy: Because he has an emotionally crippling mother.

Corned Beef and Handcuffs [1.12]

Rudy: So why don't you drink? Bonnie: I'm allergic to alcohol, any time I drink it I break out in handcuffs. Rudy: What a shame, I happen to have a large collection of both wine and handcuffs.

Leather Cribs and Medieval Rack [1.14]

Christy: [Christy and Bonnie are confessing long-held secret to each other] Okay, I got one. Remember that kilo of hash that was stolen from your car? Bonnie: Yeah? Christy: Best. Junior Prom. Ever. Bonnie: Are you crazy? I was almost KILLED for that. Christy: Oh, I'm sorry. Bonnie: I had a GUN to my head in the desert, they made me dig my own grave! Christy: That's too bad. I was voted queen of the prom!

Leather Cribs and Medieval Rack [1.14]

Luke: This ass was spanked a lot as a kid and it's a better ass for it. Violet: Well I want to raise our baby with patience and understanding. Luke: Why? You weren't raised that way. Violet: I know. I want to do better by our child. I want to be able to break the cycle. Luke: Wow, that's ambitious.

Fireballs and Bullet Holes [1.15]

Alvin: [Knocks on door. Violet answers] Hi. Is Christy Plunkett here? Violet: You a bill collector? Alvin: No. Violet: Subpoena? Alvin: No. Violet: Are we being evicted again? Alvin: No. What do you mean "again"? Violet: Never mind. She's not here. Alvin: Oh, okay. You, uh... you must be her daughter. Violet: Listen pal, we're not joining your church. Alvin: I'm not... Forget it. I'll come back another time. Violet: Whatever. [Slams door] Alvin: Wow. My granddaughter's a joy.

Nietzsche and a Beer Run [1.16]

Christy: [ driving a firetruck stops at a red light] Bonnie: [following Christy) What are you doing? Christy: What it's a red light. Bonnie: You're in a firetruck. Christy: Oh right. [turns on sirens]

Jail, Jail and Japanese Porn [1.17]

Christy: I can't believe they found you guilty. Regina: I can. I stole three million dollars. Christy: Maybe they'll send you to one of those swanky country club jails. Regina: Get real. I'm a black woman who embezzled money from white people. I'm going to jail jail. Someone's gonna buy my ass for a KitKat bar. Bonnie: Well, it's only fair. KitKat bars helped build that thing.

Jail, Jail and Japanese Porn [1.17]

Regina: Where do you think Christy is? Bonnie: I think she's unrolling a fire hose. Regina: What? Bonnie: She's dating a fireman.

Sonograms and Tube Tops [1.18]

Christy: I thought this baby was going to be my second chance. Violet: How would that happen? Christy: Well, this time I wouldn't be drunk. I wouldn't pass out at a PTA meeting, at the wrong school. Violet: [dryly] Yeah, that wasn't too embarrassing.

Sonograms and Tube Tops [1.18]

Christy: The baby shower's going to be great, fun and games and free stuff for the baby. Violet: I don't need it. Christy: Violet, I'm stealing food from work, trust me, we need it. Violet: No we don't. Christy: Why not? Violet: ...I've made a decision. I'm giving this baby up for adoption. [leaves] Christy: I feel like I just got punched in the heart.

Sonograms and Tube Tops [1.18]

Violet: Dumbass crackers! Christy: What's the matter? Violet: Luke's parents. First they say they don't want a thing to do with this baby, and now they're freaking out because I'm giving up their "beloved grandkid". Bonnie: What about Luke? Violet: He was useless. Oh, and get this. [snarkily] Now his parents are insisting that they're going to adopt the baby! Christy: What'd you tell them? Violet: I told them that I don't want my kid being raised by religious fanatics. I want it raised by homosexuals! [leaves]

Toilet Wine and the Earl of Sandwich [1.19]

Regina: Do you know what the worst part of being in prison will be? Bonnie: Being in prison? Regina: No, that I won't get to see my son grow up. Bonnie: Oh... I'm gonna stop talking now. Marjorie: Don't say it if you don't mean it. Christy: When did you last see your son? Regina: Before my trial. Marjorie: But that was months ago! Regina: My ex-husband won't let me see him, not that I blame him. He just turned 10. He's going to be a teenager by the time I get out. Christy: Where's your ex live? Regina: In Stockton, about a hundred miles back. Christy: [pause] Hell with it. [turns the car around] We're going to Stockton! Regina: But I'll be late to turn myself in. Christy: What the hell are they gonna do, Regina? Throw you in jail?

Broken Dreams and Blocked Arteries [1.21]

Violet: Hey. Alvin: Hey. Your mom tells me you've got a prom coming up. Violet: Um-hmm. Alvin: That sounds like fun. Violet: Yep. Alvin: What's the theme? Violet: Broken condoms, broken dreams. Alvin: [Nodding] Oh, okay. You've got a shot at being the Queen.

Smokey Taylor and a Deathbed Confession [1.22]

Christy: Shouldn't Luke be here by now? Violet: He didn't drive, he's high, so he took the bus. Christy: He smoked pot on the day you're having the baby? Violet: He smokes pot every day, it's not a big deal. Luke: [in the hall] Violet? Violet: I'm in here! Luke: [walks right by] Violet? Violet: I'm in here! Luke: Violet? Violet: You literally just walked past me! Luke: Violet? Christy: Everyday, huh?

Smokey Taylor and a Deathbed Confession [1.22]

Violet: I changed my mind! Christy: I told you, you can't go home, you have to have this baby. Violet: No, I changed my mind, I'm keeping this baby! Christy: [she and Bonnie look at each other] Are you sure? Violet: I'm never going through this much pain again, so I need to keep this baby!

Fish Town and Too Many Thank You's [5.02]

Believe me.

Poodle Fuzz and a Twinge of Jealousy [5.05]

Maybe when you get an award for your psoriasis.

My Kinda People and the Big To-Do [8.18]

Bonnie: This has been quite a day. I think I've had every feeling a person can have. Some of them great, some of them just awful. And never once thought about drinking or using. But that's not the miracle. The miracle is I never thought about myself. I was thinking about the people I love and how I can help them. And also some fish, which is ironic, 'cause I had sushi for lunch. I didn't care. It was... When I walked in that door eight years ago, I was so filled with fear and self-loathing, shame. But now, I kind of like me. I kind of love me. [Tears up] I love my husband, I love my daughter, my friends, my grandkids. I even love those two crazy bitches in the back row. Jolene: I think that's us. Shannon: It is. Bonnie: I've always heard people in meetings say how they're grateful alcoholics, and I never understood it. It actually kind of pissed me off. But now I get it. My name is Bonnie and I'm a grateful alcoholic. And if that pisses you off, just keep coming back. Thank you. [The g