Quotes

Dialogue

Rod: You're pathetic man. I mean you lose your virginity and you don't even get the girls name. Matthew: [pointing at the weight dangling between Rod's legs] What the hell is that? Rod: It's penile power man. I got it out of an ad in a magazine. I mean, it's going to help me increase my length and girth, all just by hanging weights from my cock, man. Check it out man. I'm up to five pounds.

Dialogue

Rod: You know, all you gotta do is find the matching bra to those panties and bam! Mystery solved! Matthew: That's not a half bad idea. Rod: Yeah.

Dialogue

Rod: What are you? Coyote super genius or something? Matthew: Yeah. Something like that. Rod: Wait! The Coyote never caught the Roadrunner, man!

Dialogue

Patty: You like my skirt, but you're thinking, "If her skirt were any shorter, she'd have another pair of cheeks to powder and have to put gloss on another pair of lips." Matthew: I... I wasn't thinking any of those things. I think you're a nice girl. [voice-over] I was lying. I did think all of those things.

Dialogue

Matthew: Hey, what are these? Are these... Are these stress balls? Like, you know to relieve tension, like uh... like Humphrey Bogart did in that old movie. What was it called? He was like, there are three ways to do things aboard my vessel. The right way, the wrong way and my way. If you do things my way, we'll get along just fine. Patty: Those are my Ben Wa balls. Matthew: What? Patty: Ben Wa balls. You know, I put them inside of me, I rock my legs and I get off. Matthew: Really?

Dialogue

Matthew: Y'know, I wonder why God equipped women with all the weapons for seduction. Rod: What do you mean? Matthew: Well, take the breast for example. You have the bosom, the areola, the nipple. I mean, those are three concentric circles. In other words, it's a bullseye! It's no wonder the breast is the target for all men. Rod: Wow. That's profound. Matthew: And men are grotesque. I'm not just talking about the little habits we have... Matthew: ...like cleaning our ears with our car keys. I mean, we're grotesque to the core. I mean, look at the penis. The penis... it just looks like God had some left-over skin when he was making elbow, and He decided to slap it in our groin... Rod: Hey, get that outta here! It freaks me out, ok? Matthew: I mean, the penis is the first to shrivel when it's cold, it's the first to shrink in fear. The penis is a coward. It's a cowardly flap of left-over elbow flesh. Rod: Maybe you wouldn't think that way if you had a little of my Penile Power, baby! [lau

Dialogue

Matthew: I've seen you around. You're a natural born hipster. Crick: Natural born hipster? Matthew: Yeah. The next evolution of a jock. You traded in your letterman jacket for a manicured goatee and a Eurotrash ponytail. You're the worst kind of cool. You're the kind of guy who wears male make-up. A real fashion plate. You're proof that those boy-toy doofuses in those men's magazines are all rump rangers.

Dialogue

Matthew: It's just easier to talk to Cynthia as a girl than as a guy. There's just nothing at stake. Wendy: How do you mean? Matthew: When you're a guy talking to a girl like Cynthia, you're going for all the marbles. I mean, she's the Super Bowl of women! And you know that if you screw up, and she rejects you, then every other girl after Cynthia is gonna seem like a compromise. And you just know that you weren't good enough to get a girl like her. That's why I don't talk to girls in her league. I just don't want to know that I've crashed and burned and won't ever get the opportunity to put her Super Bowl ring around my eleventh finger.

Dialogue

Matthew: You know something, Crick. I was wondering. Do the bad guys of the world really know they're being bad? Or do the bad guys actually just think they're being good guys, when, in fact, they're just acting like sphincters? Crick: I don't know. You tell me, "smart guy!" Matthew: So you really think you're a good guy? Crick: Yeah, I know I am! See, you're the one who's trying to steal my chick! I'm the cool one! Matthew: Cool? Oh, that's another thing that just bothers me. I was just reading that one in six people in the world think they're cool. What is that? Like, a BILLION people are cool? That just can't possibly be right! If everybody's cool, then really, nobody is cool. Crick: You don't know what you're talking about, guy! Matthew: Look at you! I mean, the modern day media, the magazines, the TV. They show us what coolness is, so that you ponytail pretenders can go out there and buy coolness, thus fooling the weak-minded and unsuspecting!

Dialogue

Cynthia: I'm not stupid. I know I got things easy 'cause guys will pretty much do anything for me because of the way I look. I know that. [in background, Sam calls her name] And if Sam saw me in this, I might lose my... edge with him. Matthew: [in drag, as Francesca] Kind of like if the Green Lantern lost his power ring. Cynthia: Who? Matthew: Never mind. You're lucky. Cynthia: No, I'm not. Matthew: Yeah, I think it"d be great if guys always wanted to do things for me. Cynthia: No. It's a curse. You see, nothing's a challenge for me. Everything's made easy. And if I actually do do something on my own, then everyone assumes that, you know, I got there because of the way I look. It sucks!