Quotes

Knock Knock, Who's There? [1.1]

America! Land of my dreams, home of the Whopper!

Hello Baby [2.1]

Larry: What's in my face? Balki: Dimitri. He always sleeps with me. [He makes Dimitri bounce toward Larry] Ding dang dang. Larry: Not tonight. [He takes Dimitri and drops him callously on the floor] Balki: I say my prayers now. [He crawls out of bed, kneels beside it and clasps his hands together in prayer] God? Bless Cousin Larry and Gina and the new baby and please watch over Dimitri who's sleeping on the floor for the first time in his whole young life. [He bounds back into bed, throws the covers over himself and cringes]'

Hello Baby [2.1]

Balki: We witnessed the miracle of birth. Larry: You witnessed the miracle of birth. I took one look and passed out. Of course, the good news is that while I was unconscious, I couldn't behave like a lunatic.

Since I Lost My Baby [2.13]

Larry: Let's make believe that this is Tony's Mambo Room. Balki, you're seeing me for the first time since I kicked you out. [ Balki takes a seat on the chair and Larry grabs the throw from the back of the couch and wraps it around his shoulders. Mr. Twinkacetti sits on the end of the couch to watch closely] Balki: This is how you have to act if you want to get your wife back. [Larry walks across the room in a sultry manner, then eyes Balki as Balki returns the look. Larry acts coy. Balki gets to his feet and reaches out to Larry] Edwina, you look lovely this evening. [Larry takes Balki's hand and steps closer] That dress brings out your eyes. Mr. Twinkacetti: I'm gonna throw up. [He gets up] Balki: [sternly] Sit down, Turnip! [Mr. Twinkacetti obediently does so] Larry: [in a feminine voice] Donald . . . the Mambo Room. How sweet of you to remember. Balki: How could I forget, my pet? [He and Larry step closer. Larry turns his back to Balki and they take two steps forward in unison. Bal

Just Desserts [3.15]

Balki: Stop! COUSIN!... You are a man repossessed! Larry: And loving it! Balki, rhumba tempo! We've got to get these bibbibabkas baked! Balki: Cousin! It's too fast! And besides, shouldn't I be leading?

Pipe Dream [3.17]

Larry: If you can't take the heat... then get out of my kitchen. Balki: Fine. You've baked your cake. Now lie in it.

Pipe Dream [3.17]

Larry: I'll hold the wrench, you've got the hammer. When I nod my head, you hit it. Balki: [incredulously] Come again? Larry: When I nod my head, you hit it. Balki: [appalled] I can't do that! Larry: Balki, don't make this complicated. I'll hold the wrench. You've got the hammer. When I nod my head, you hit it. You hit it! [Balki starts crying] Now do you understand? Balki: [nervously clutching the hammer] Yes! Larry: Ready? Balki: [still crying] Yes! [Balki raises the hammer and waits for Larry's cue. Larry nods his head. Balki raises the hammer to strike] Larry: WAIT! [Balki stands with the hammer raised, confused] What are you doing? [Balki lowers the hammer] Balki: You said that when you nod your head I'm supposed to hit it. Larry: The WRENCH! HIT THE WRENCH! [He snatches the hammer from his confused cousin's hand. He places a hand to his head, frustrated] I'll do it myself.

Assertive Training [4.2]

Larry: And why are you going to get what you want? Balki: Because I’m selfish! Larry: And why are you selfish? Balki: Because I want to make people HAPPY!!! HAPPY!!! [He shakes Larry vigorously back and forth] Larry: Yes! Yes! You've got it!

That Old Gang of Mine [4.11]

[gleefully] I love it! I love it!

That Old Gang of Mine [4.11]

Balki: Cousin, I should have listened to you when you told me not to join the Motor Psychos. Larry: Well, I can understand why you did it. It's the only thing that kept your mind off Mary Anne. [Balki doubles over, sobbing] Oops.

That Old Gang of Mine [4.11]

Larry: Don't come any closer! [He tries to smash a bottle against a table to use as a weapon, but can't quite manage. Cobra grabs the bottle and smashes it over his head] Cobra: Is that what you were tryin' to do? [A short pause] Larry: [simultaneously] Well, I wasn't going for the head. I was going for the... [He mimes smashing a bottle against a table] hoping for a jagged edge... something I could brandish about... Balki: [simultaneously] No, you were going like this... there's a system to it... we had that whole discussion about the relaxation of the wrist and the elongation of this muscle right here, but, you know, sometimes the label covers over the part of the bottle... Balki, Larry: [in unison] Yes, that was it!

See How They Run [6.19]

Larry: Tomorrow at 10:00 you'll be meeting with the football team. You'll tell them how important you think sports are to the school's image, got it? Balki: Ah, sports are good for school's image, got it. Larry: Okay, then at 10:30, you'll be meeting with the science club. You'll tell them, you think education is important and too much of the school's budget is spent on sports. Got it? Balki: Too much on sports. Got it. Larry: Okay, at noon, you'll be meeting with the fraternities. You'll tell them, you think entirely too much time is being spent in the classroom, and you're pushing for a 3-day weekend, got it? Balki: Too much fraternity. Larry: That, and 15:00 you'll be meeting with the Honor Society. You'll tell them you think we're here to study, not to party, and you're pushing for Saturday classes, got it? Balki: [Covers Larry's mouth to prevent him from further talking] Small, small question from a simple Mypiot boy. This looks like I'm just telling everyone what they want to hea

Car Tunes [7.11]

Balki: You... you live with someone for five years, and you think you know them... Larry: Balki... Balki: Then you spend a night in a car trunk with them. Larry: Balki, this is not what you think. Balki: [angrily] It's not an inflatable woman? Larry: ... Well, yes it is. Balki: Does the lady have a name? Larry: I use this so I can drive in the car pool lane when I'm driving alone.

Balki Bartokomous

Well of course not, don't be ridiculous.

Balki Bartokomous

You don't know what kind of good fellow you dumping to the birds! He was always loyal to you, he make everything perfect for you and you won't find anyone to do better! His only mistake was to be good friend to me. But the customer likes him and that's why they come back! And if you let this good person walk out that door you're makin' one big mistake, ghostbuster!

Balki Bartokomous

Patience is a virgin.

Balki Bartokomous

You do that again and you're in big trouble!

Balki Bartokomous

I'm in debt. I am a true American.

Balki Bartokomous

Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!

Balki Bartokomous

[dazed] Oh, I'll put that in your car for you.

Balki Bartokomous

Liar, liar, pants for hire.

Balki Bartokomous

Oh, give me a line of credit!

Balki Bartokomous

Get out of the city!

Balki Bartokomous

It's gonna be kind of hard to save you from here.

Balki Bartokomous

Once in a while when I know my Mypos family is all together then I wish I was in my chair at the table, because Papa sits here and Uncle Stavlos sits there and it’s a place of honor, you know.

Larry Appleton

Oh, my Lord!

Larry Appleton

I have... a plan.

Larry Appleton

Watch... and learn.

Larry Appleton

Who'd ever heard of a burglar wearing a baseball cap?

Larry Appleton

Okay, okay, fine! You didn't lock me in the closet, there was no-one at the door, we are not having this conversation. This whole day has been some cosmic cruelty joke. Ha ha, fine! Oh, and if Tony Perkins shows up wearing a house-dress and carrying a very large kitchen knife... Tell him I'm in the shower!

Larry Appleton

Having Twinkacetti as a houseguest. It's like Tokyo inviting Godzilla for dinner.

Larry Appleton

W-well, actually, there is something I... I wanted to talk to you about. But things have been so crazy around here that... it just hasn't been a-a good time. But, I just wanted to-" [He looks and sees that Balki has fallen asleep] "I just wanted to know what you thought about Jennifer and I, you know? I dunno, is she interested in me, or...?

Larry Appleton

Look, this is America. We make things a lot more complicated.

Mary-Anne Spencer

You know, having a ghost would explain so many things. Like how when you open the refrigerator, the light goes on.

Mary-Anne Spencer

Sometimes late at night I start to make sense.