Quotes

Others

Claire Timkin: Mr. Richards, this store has never been more successful, and it's all due to Jonathan Switcher. I don't care if he puts a rubber glove on his head and runs naked around the store screaming: "Hi, I'm a squid!" Roxie Shield: [notices Jonathan with Emmy, suddenly surprised] Jonathan, you're riding around town with a mannequin on the back of your motorcycle! What is wrong with this picture?! Captain Felix Maxwell: [after Emmy, as a mannequin, has flipped off him and Mr. Richards] Enough of this surveillance crap! Captain Felix Maxwell takes this from no mannequin!

Dialogue

Emmy: Mother, I don't want to settle down. I want to do things, I want to invent things, I want to try things that nobody's ever tried before... I want to fly. Emmy's Mother: [sarcastic] Sure and I want to smoke and tell your father to go to hell! Emmy, if I thought we women could any way change anything, don't you think I'd encourage you?

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Mannequin Factory Boss: You know, you could get the dummy of the week award, Switcher. Jonathan: She turned out pretty good, didn't she? Mannequin Factory Boss: I wasn't talking about her.

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Jonathan: [serious] This job at Illustra is destroying your sense of humor. You gotta quit. Roxie: I'm not the one who can't deal with reality. Jonathan: Reality is very disappointing.

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Roxie: I think you should see a professional. Jonathan: A professional? What do you mean, a hooker? Roxie: No, I mean a psychiatrist. Jonathan: I can't afford a psychiatrist. Roxie: Then call one of those shrinks on the radio. Jonathan: A radio shrink? They're only good for people with problems that fit between the commercials. Roxie: Good night, Jonathan.

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Claire: I don't know how we're going to make this store great again. Jonathan: Looks fine to me. What time do we open? Claire: [sighs sadly] We are open. Jonathan: Oh... Well, I'm sure things will pick up by lunch.

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Hollywood: I am so glad you're working here! Jonathan: [surprised] You are? Hollywood: Well, of course I am, honey. I never thought they would hire anyone stranger than me.

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Felix: Just what is your assignment here tonight, boy? Jonathan: I'm helping Hollywood with the window. Felix: Oh, the little Mary has an assistant now? Where do you people from come from? Jonathan: Ohio. Felix: [surprised] Ohio? You mean they got 'em in Ohio?

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Hollywood: Don't let Felix get to you. He just has a bad case of Miami Vice. Jonathan: Listen, I gotta go, okay? I promised my girlfriend I was gonna take her out tonight.

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Jonathan: Hollywood, I don't know about men's thighs! They look fine to me, they really do! Hollywood: Thank you. Albert called me "cellulite city". Maybe he's right. Maybe I should have my hips lifted.

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Hollywood: An artiste never leaves his work unfinished. Jonathan: No, it looks fine to me. Hollywood: In that case, I'm a dream that once was.

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Emmy: Tonight, we're gonna do something different and special. Something that this store has never seen before. I just wish you didn't look so worried. Jonathan: That's easy for you to say. You're a mannequin, you'll always have work. Me, I'm gonna wind up in the nuthouse after this. I wonder if insanity is covered in the employee health plan?

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Jonathan: [on seeing Emmy alive] You know the mannequin that I made? Well, she's there! She came to life, and she knew who I was! Roxie: You could have decided to tell me that you wanted to stand me up. Instead, you come here to me lying with this ridiculous story! Jonathan: No, I'm not lying, I'm insane. Roxie: Armand, let's just get out of here.

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Claire: Good news, Jonathan. We've not only decided to keep you on, but I'm promoting you to visual merchandising. Jonathan: [surprised] You're kidding! That's great! What is it? Claire: Just keep doing what you did last night and you'll be fine. Jonathan: Mrs. Timkin, I'm not sure I can do it again. Last night might have been a one-time inspiration. Claire: [encouraging] Oh Jonathan, don't doubt yourself. Go with it. Feel it. You're doing the job you were meant to do. Mr. Richards: Well, you must lead a charmed life. It was all I could do to save your skin in there. No thanks are necessary, Switcher!

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Mr. Richards: Listen, that new stock boy, Switcher, has been promoted. He'll be doing windows at night. I just want you to keep an eye on him for me. Felix: Do you suspect pilferage, sir? I'd be happy to strip-search him. Mr. Richards: You people that work at night scare me. I want you to just watch him, let me know what he's up to, how he works.

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Jonathan: [coming out of the elevator] Easy, Felix! I don't think she's armed! Felix: You can fool Rambo, but it won't work with me, Switcher! My brain is quicker than...

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Jonathan: Just when I think you're real, you vanish. What's with you? What's with me? Emmy: Didn't I tell you? You're the only one who can see me like this. Jonathan: It's not exactly fair, is it? Emmy: [points to the sky] Talk to them.

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Roxie: [seeing Jonathan with Emmy] I really should have listened when he asked me for help. Armand: When you were making love to him, did he ever scream "Don't stop, Woody!"? [laughs] Roxie: [hearing something break, alarmed] Oh, my camera!

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Felix: [seeing Jonathan with Emmy] Switcher, you are one sick puppy! Jonathan: [shocked] No, this is how I get my inspiration. I create. And I can tell by looking at you, you're not the artistic type. Felix: [cracks his fingers] You know, Mr. Richards told me to keep an eye on you. But I think I'm gonna handle things my own way.

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Jonathan: [seeing Emmy behind Felix, suddenly surprised] How did you do that? Emmy: I was standing right behind him, he didn't see me. Jonathan: Teach him to mess with a man and his mannequin.

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Jonathan: How do you know you're not missing something better 5,000 years from now? Emmy: Nothing could ever be better than being here with you. Jonathan: This is one guy who is never gonna leave your side.

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Roxie: Jonathan, I wanna give you one last chance. Now, come to Illustra! Jonathan: What is in this for you, Roxie? An office with a view? I don't need Illustra or you. I have friends here, people who care. And someone who makes me feel good about myself. Goodbye, Roxie. Roxie: [shouts after him] You'll be sorry! You're making a serious mistake!

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Roxie: [seeing Jonathan and Emmy leaving] He's out of his mind! B.J. was right. When I get that dummy, I'm gonna just tear her hair out! Armand: Roxie! You know what you need to do right now? You need to put him and this whole nasty affair out of your mind. Now, how is the best way to do that, huh? By having a night of distasteful sex with someone you care absolutely nothing about! And proudly, I would like to be that person. Roxie: Fine, let's go to your place. Armand: [suddenly surprised] Really? Roxie: Drive fast before I have second thoughts! Armand: Armand is the wind!

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Felix: [handing Mr. Richards a container of show polish] Here, Mr. Richards. You had better put some camouflage on, sir. Mr. Richards: I am not going to put shoe polish on my face, thank you. Now, could we please get into the store, Felix? Felix: [seeing Jonathan and Emmy leaving] It's him! It's her! Oooh, that little prevert! He's stealing her before we can! Mr. Richards: Okay, let's not do anything rash! We'll follow them quietly and look for just the right moment to grab them. Felix: Don't worry, Mr. Richards. I'm an expert at surveillance. Hang on!

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Jonathan: Mrs. Timkin, those video cameras. Did they pick up everything last night? Claire: [smiles coyly] I only saw what I needed to see. Roxie: [to Emmy] Just where do you come from? Jonathan: Roxie, you would never understand. Hollywood: [snaps his fingers to B.J. in a justified manner] Mm-hmm.