Quotes

The Golden Child

Earl: Morning, kids. What are you doing? Robbie: Watching the baby. Earl: Nice to see you you're accepting more responsibility.

The Golden Child

Can he do that?

The Golden Child

Robbie: Those dinosaurs out there are just sheep. Earl: Have you noticed that some of those sheep are cheerleaders?

Family Challenge

Howard Handupme: A meteor watch has been put into effect throughout the Pangean panhandle. Scientists have specifically pinpointed this particular house as the point of probable impact. Earl: Come on, come on! What does this have to do with me?

Family Challenge

Earl: Don't try to cheat me on this! 'Cause I know you insurance guys, you have absolutely no ethics. Insurance Agent: Well, how much would you say your television is worth? Earl: Ten thousand dollars. Good thing I popped for that extra meteor coverage, huh? Insurance Agent: For us, yes. But if you refer to that large bound volume we sent you labeled "exclusions", you'll find that a meteor is only a meteor until it enters the Earth's atmosphere, at which time it become a meteorite.

Family Challenge

Earl: As you can see, I have separated all known dinosaur wisdom into three categories: "Animal, vegetable, rocks." Robbie: Well, what about fire? Earl: Vegetable. Charlene: What about water? Earl: Water is the opposite of fire, which we have previously established as a vegetable. What's the opposite of a vegetable? Fruit. So water is a fruit. Fruit is not a vegetable, so it has to be either an animal or a rock. We know it's not an animal. Therefore, fruit is a rock. Charlene: Daddy, I asked you about water. Earl: Could we hold all questions until the end of the lecture, please?

Family Challenge

I'm used to being embarrassed by you guys on a local level, I don't know how I feel about being humiliated nationally.

Family Challenge

Earl: And what makes you the Ancient History expert? Ethyl: I was there.

I Never Ate for My Father

Ethyl: Television is responsible for the utter degradation of our society. We should write a letter. Fran: Mom? Get a life.

I Never Ate for My Father

If your mother can take the time kill this dinner, you can take the time to eat it.

I Never Ate for My Father

Earl: Charlene, you are now my son. Charlene: Thanks Daddy. Can I have money for lipstick? Earl: Of course, son.

I Never Ate for My Father

I shoulda shown [Robbie] the beauty of killing small things.

I Never Ate for My Father

He expected me to live in the woods, have kids in the mud, eat my mate and die in pieces. And you know? That was okay for him. But I wanted better.

Charlene's Tale

Earl: It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Ethyl: Then you're the guy for the job.

Charlene's Tale

Robbie: Fine, I'll leave. Earl: I'll go with you.

Charlene's Tale

Roy: Hey! Earl, I don't want to pry into your personal business, but is something bothering you? Earl: Not that I'm aware of.

Charlene's Tale

Charlene: Mom, you said you were the last one in your class to get your tail. How did you handle it? Fran: Oh, well... that was a long time ago, and I'm sure I handled it with grace and dignity. Ethyl: She tried to throw herself off the roof. Fran: Mother! Ethyl: Of course, you weighed 2800 pounds, so the roof collapsed. She fell right through onto Grandpa Louie, who was cleaning his pipe at the time. We never found the pipe, but Grandpa Louie walked funny after that...

Charlene's Tale

And don't be putting me in no vegetable bin. I wake up in the vegetable bin, I'll come out and kick you big flabby dinosaur butt all up and down the super-continent!

Charlene's Tale

Charlene: You mean, like a father? Earl: Well, actually, I was thinking more like a machine gun. But I guess a father would do in a pinch.

Charlene's Tale

Earl: How'd I do, Fran? Fran: Well, "not the mama", but you'll do in a pinch.

Endangered Species

Grapdelite 1: Shouldn't you be hiding us? Grapdelite 2: Can't you see he's thinking? Grapdelite 1: I'm merely reminding him of his responsibility to his father. Now, be quiet! Robbie: Hey, I'm trying to write a paper here! Okay? Grapdelite 2: We've offended him! Grapdelite 1: What's your paper about? Grapdelite 2: Oh, it's none of our business! Robbie: It's a social studies paper, and it's not going very well. [shows the Grapdelites his paper] Grapdelite 1: "Why dinosaurs rule the Earth? We're big." Robbie: Yeah, that really bites, doesn't it? Grapdelite 2: Well, there's certainly no denying that size allows the dinosaur to have almost unlimited benefits. Grapdelite 1: Of course, the duality of nature dictates that for every benefit, there must be a cost. Grapdelites: [together] Don't you agree? Robbie: Oh, well, I, uh... Grapdelite 1: We've lost him. Grapdelite 2: So try an illustration. Grapdelite 1: Of course. [to Robbie] Why is it good to be big? Robbie: Well, we get to eat whoever

Endangered Species

Earl: You wanted to see me, my captain? B.P. Richfield: I hear you got your 20th anniversary coming up, Sinclair! Earl: How suspiciously cordial of you to take an interest, sir. B.P. Richfield: And the wife's probably lookin' forward to that Grapdelite dinner, right? Earl: I'm sure she is, sure. B.P. Richfield: Yeah, a little wine, candlelight, and those Grapdelites gonna taste so sweet and satisfyin'! Mmm-mmm! You and the wife will probably look each other in the eye and tell each other how very much in love you still are, and who knows? Maybe you'll take a little trip upstairs and... [they both crack up laughing until Richfield bangs his desk, resuming his serious mood] THAT'S NOT HAPPENIN'!!!! Earl: It's not? B.P. Richfield: I WANT THOSE GRAPDELITES!!! Earl: What?! B.P. Richfield: They're my favorite food, Sinclair! Everybody's out of'em, you got'em, I want'em! You don't give'em to me, I'm gonna bite off your head! Earl: B-b-b-but I can't give them to your, sir. They're for my wife.

Endangered Species

Robbie: [to the Grapdelites] Thanks for everything. I got an F. [throws his notebook close to the Grapdelites] Grapdelite 2: Oh, careful! Robbie: Oh, sorry. I didn't see you. Grapdelite 1: He seems distressed. Grapdelite 2: I hope it's nothing we've done. Robbie: "Why dinosaurs ruled the Earth?" And I wrote a whole essay about what you guys said about how we're too wise to eat all the grapes. Look what the teacher wrote. [shows the Grapdelites his paper] Grapdelite 1: "There'll always be more grapes. That's what 'more' means." Grapdelites: An F?! Grapdelite 2: But just because the teacher doesn't understand doesn't mean you failed. Grapdelite 1: Oh, no! Robbie: Stanly Kravitz got an A. Grapdelite 1: Well, what did he write? Robbie: He wrote, "Because we're big." That was my answer! I had the right answer, and I let you guys talk me out of it! Why did I let you talk me out of it? Grapdelite 2: Because it's wrong. Robbie: Yeah, but the teacher thinks it's right. Grapdelite 1: Well, what

Career Opportunities

TV: Why are you stuck in a boring dead-end job? Earl: I don't know. TV: Why does your boss always yell at you? Earl: Can't figure it out. TV: Why is your life such a complete mess? Earl: Will you stop pickin' on me? TV: Why ask 'Why'? Drink alcohol! Nobody likes a thinker! You may not be able to change your life, but you can change the way you look at it. Alcohol. The more you drink, the less you think!

What Sexual Harris Meant

Fran: Earl, Monica needs a job, and there's going to be an opening down at work, right? Earl: Right. Fran: So... Earl: So? So? Fran, will you stop talking in riddles? Fran: I want you to take Monica to work and get her interview with Mr. Richfield. Earl: A female tree-pusher? You can't be serious! It's ludicrous! I'd be a laughingstock!

What Sexual Harris Meant

Earl: Mr. Richfield? B.P. Richfield: What?! Earl: There's someone I'd like you to meet. B.P. Richfield: [looks out the window of his trailer and sees Monica] Well, you brought me a female, eh, Sinclair? Earl: Well, I, uh... B.P. Richfiend: That's mighty nice, but I already got a wife. Nice gesture, though. Earl: Oh, thank you, but, she's here for the... [very quickly] tree-pusher job. B.P. Richfield: [jumps in shock] WHAT?! A FEMALE TREE-PUSHER?! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!! IT'S LUDICROUS!! YOU'RE A LAUGHINGSTOCK!! Earl: Just as I predicted! So, should I tell her to go away? B.P. Richfield: It's too late now. We're an equal opportunity employer. We got strict guidelines about this sort of thing. We can't just send her away. [looks into manual] Let's see. Ah, here it is. "Interviewing a female obligate: smile a lot, compliment her handbag, then send her away." Earl: Well, she can't ask for more than that.

What Sexual Harris Meant

B.P. Richfield: My, that's a lovely handbag. Monica: Excuse me? B.P. Richfield: I was just complimentin' your handbag. Monica: I don't have a handbag. I don't have hands. B.P. Richfield: Well, then, let me compliment your lovey... [Earl points to Monica's necklace] Neck! [Earl makes a small sign] Small. Neck-small. My, my, that's a lovely neck-small. Monica: [a bit offended] Thank you. B.P. Richfield: Uh, sounds like a... [Earl points to himself] Moron? [Earl groans in frustration] WHAT?!? Earl: Necklace! B.P. Richfield: Necklace! Necklace! M-m-my, that's a lovely necklace! Monica: Excuse me, but what does my necklace have to do with getting this job? B.P. Richfield: It's just that you're such a dainty little thing, and tree-pushin' requires such strength, and a large degree of technical knowledge. Monica: I'm sure it's way over my head, but hypothetically, will I be knocking down trees like those outside? B.P. Richfield: Aw, come on! I already said you have a nice necklace, now take i

What Sexual Harris Meant

Al "Sexual" Harris: Well, that's not bad, but you left a few of the roots there, sweetheart. Now, if you wanna get somewhere in this job, you gotta be willing to go all the way, if we're on the same track. Monica: I beg your pardon? Al "Sexual" Harris: Well, I'm just sayin' if you wanna make points with the foreman, it's gonna take a lot of late nights, if you hear what I'm sayin'. Monica: Let's just confine our comments to the job! Al "Sexual" Harris: Now, now, just relax, you're too tense. Whadya say we go out for a few brews, and later on I'll jump on your scales and you can tell me how much I weigh, if you know what I mean. Monica: No! Al "Sexual" Harris: What do you mean no?! Monica: I mean no! I'm not interested! I find the things you talk about personally offensive, and I hope this doesn't interfere with my being able to work here.

What Sexual Harris Meant

Mr. Otto Lynch: I have over a hundred witnesses that will testify that for the past 22 years, you have in fact been a prostitute! Monica: I have not! Mr. Otto Lynch: Oh, sorry. My mistake, everyone here the word prostitute?

What Sexual Harris Meant

Ethyl: I can't believe they use that kind of language on television. Don't they know that kids are watching? Fran: Mother, this is an important real-life event. This will make the kids think. Ethyl: I don't want the kids to think. I want the kids to watch safe little situation comedies, with time-tested repetitive storylines.

What Sexual Harris Meant

Mr. John Wolfe: You're obviously a very attractive female. Would you please describe for us what your were wearing in the time of the incident? Was it seductive or revealing? Monica: It was a hardhat and a work shirt, and I don't appreciate the insinuation that I somehow asked for this type of behavior. Mr. John Wolfe: I'm insinuating no such thing. Now, could you please describe for us in detail what kind of underwear you have on at the moment? Monica: I don't understand how that's relevant. Mr. John Wolfe: Well, ma'am, if you understood the relevancy of it, you'd be a male!

What Sexual Harris Meant

Mr. Mason Dixon: Look, sweet cheeks, ain't this whole thing a part of some twisted sexual fantasy of yours? A fantasy that might also include being alone on a deserted island? Yes, yes... One with scores of scantily-clad young females and they're smearin' marmalade all over ya and... B.P. Richfield: Mr. Dixon! Mr. Mason Dixon: Could I have a moment please?

What Sexual Harris Meant

Mr. Mason Dixon: [about Monica] We need someone to discredit her. Know anyone? B.P. Richfield: [roaring into the camera] SINCLAIR! IN HERE, NOW! [Earl, watching at home, promptly panics and runs for the courthouse] Earl: [bursting into the trial out of breath] You called, sir? B.P. Richfield: Sinclair, we need you to testify. Earl: But I don't know what to say. B.P. Richfield: Aw, just say whatever comes into your mind. [hands Earl a sheet of paper] Here's what's gonna come into your mind. Earl: [reading the speech] "And let that be known that Foreman Harris is a great guy. Monica's been a troublemaker as long as I've known, and I'm pretty sure she cheats on her taxes. Stop here, look up, smile." [does exactly what the paper says] B.P. Richfield: Thank you for your candor, Mr. Sinclair. Earl: Oh, and another thing: I don't see why she ever needed a job. A female's place is in the home, taking orders from her husband. In the Sinclair household, when I say jump, my wife says how high. [r

What Sexual Harris Meant

Fran: I watched on TV what you said about Monica, and it's not the Monica I know. She's an honest, responsible individual who would never mislead anybody. Mr. Otto Lynch: And we'd like to believe your testimony, Mrs. Sinclair. However, I have evidence that when you were just a young girl, you lived with this older man! [shows a picture of a male dinosaur] Without benefit of marriage! Fran: That's my father! Mr. Mason Dixon: All the more disgusting! Earl: [in a German accent] Fran, is this true? Fran: Are you all insane?! Mr. Otto Lynch: Oh, it gets worse, Mrs. Sinclair. I also have a picture of you sitting on his lap!

Nuts to War (part 1)

Fran: No, crying isn't going to help. Fran: Because you ate it. Baby: No, the cookie creature took it. Fran: All right. A cookie creature took it. Baby: Don't talk down to me! Fran: This is between you and the cookie creature, so you two will have to work it out.

Nuts to War (part 1)

Mom, do you ever feel... you know... not patriotic?

Hungry for Love

Fran Sinclair: Robbie, you have feelings for this girl, but you're breaking up with her just because of a lot of rumors. Does that make sense? When I first met your father, a lot of my friends told me he had no ambition, he was lazy and he would stay a tree-pusher all his life! Now were they right? Fran Sinclair: Well, that may not be the best example... Robbie Sinclair: [sighs] It's over between Wendy and me. Fran Sinclair: [to herself] Why didn't I listen to them? Earl Sinclair: Fine, son. Go ahead, ruin my life! But if you decide to end this important relationship, you should realize that somebody's heart may be broken. And you have to do the decent thing, and handle it face to face. Robbie Sinclair: You expect me to go and talk to Wendy? Earl Sinclair: Forget Wendy! Get your butt over there and apologize to Mr. Richfield! And take him some flowers! Fran Sinclair: Earl, he needs to talk to Wendy! A young girl's feelings are at stake here. Earl Sinclair: A big, scary boss's feelings

Hungry for Love

Earl Sinclair: Well, gosh, sir. Now that the two lovebirds are back together, maybe we can rekindle the beautiful friendship that's grown between us these past few days? B.P. Richfield: I just lost my dinner, Sinclair. Don't make me lose my lunch!

Hungry for Love

Spike: Yo, Sinclair! Boy, have I got news for you. Turns out I was wrong - first time for everything, huh? Uh, Wendy here's not an eater after all. It seems it was her old dad all along. And everybody's okay, no harm done, so I think the best thing right now would be a kiss. Wendy Richfield: You wanna spread some stories? Tell them about this. Spike: [impressed] Baba bing!

The Son Also Rises

Robbie Sinclair: Err, listen dad - I'm sorry I challenged you. I thought getting to do everything I wanted would be great, but... this whole thing has taught me a valuable lesson. Earl Sinclair: That with freedom comes responsibility? Robbie Sinclair: No. That your life bites. No wonder you yell at me. I'll just stay out of your way from now on. Earl Sinclair: Yeah, thanks. And you know something? I learned something about your life too. Robbie Sinclair: That it's frustrating being under someone else's control all the time? Earl Sinclair: No, that it's way better than mine. Robbie Sinclair: Um... you're not gonna hold that against me, are ya? Earl Sinclair: Oh, every chance I get! Robbie Sinclair: Figures. Earl Sinclair: You see, son, it is one of my responsibilities as a parent to wean you from life's joy, and prepare you for the relentless heartache that is adulthood. Robbie Sinclair: Sheesh...

Dirty Dancin

TV Announcer: Stay tuned after Father Knows Nothing for the premiere of Dad's A Big Moron, and then at 9:00 it's more hijinks with Simpleton Father, followed by Brain Dead Dad. Earl Sinclair: This is why TV stinks! One show's a hit, they make 50 more like it with the same characters and the same premise! Baby Sinclair: Don't have a cow, man! [laughs]

Dirty Dancin

Robbie Sinclair: Are you sure we should be doing this? Spike: Hey, Scooter, there is nothing wrong with taking one of life's most personal and intimate experiences, and putting a cash value on it. That's what separates us from the animals.

Dirty Dancin

Robbie Sinclair: Do females go through the same things we do? Earl Sinclair: Well, now... your mother's a bit more knowledgeable in that area, and I know she'd like to talk with ya. Robbie Sinclair: Yeah, okay. Earl Sinclair: 'Cause I know you and your mom had a little run-in, but she's pretty smart, and she can give you some good tips. And if she does... Robbie Sinclair: Yeah? Earl Sinclair: ... pass them along to me! [laughs]

The Last Temptation of Ethyl

Earl: [talking about Ethyl] It was one of the most pleasant conversations we've ever had. She wasn't rude. She wasn't obnoxious. She didn't hit me...[jumps out of his chair in alarm] Oh my God, she's dead! Baby: Can I go to the afterlife? Fran: No, not for a long time, sweetheart. Baby: Oh, but I wanna go to the afterlife! Better than the now life. Fran: Earl, I'm worried about what Mother's saying on TV. I'm afraid of the effect this may have on simple, impressionable minds. Earl: [petulantly] I wanna go to the afterlife! Fran: Earl! Earl: Gee, Fran, now that I know there is one, why should I worry so much about politics, the environment and social injustice? I'm just gonna put my feet up and wait to die. Ethyl: Louie, is that really you? Louie: Hiya, cupcake! Ethyl: Oh, Louie, it's so good to see you! Am I finally good and dead? Louie: Not yet. Ethyl: Oh, will you guys stop jerking my chain?! I'm dead, I'm alive, I'm dead, I'm alive. If I wake up with dirt in my mouth again... Louie:

The Terrible Twos

Blarney: Okay, here we go! Robbie: Well, it does seem to have quieted him down a little. Franny: It's interesting, he strikes a chord with children. Something about Blarney elicits the purest feelings of warmth and affection. Baby: EAT GLASS, BLARNEY!! [shoots his bottle at the TV, Blarney somehow notices this] Blarney: [howls, as the TV explodes, Robbie and Fran gasp] Baby: DIE, SCUM! DIE!! [laughs maniacally] Robbie: Well, I gotta say, I'm with him! Franny: THAT DOES IT!!!!! [takes slingshot away] I AM FED UP WITH YOUR BAD BEHAVIOUR!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO YOUR ROOM!!!!! Baby: NO! I WANT PRESENTS!! Franny: YOU ARE GOING TO YOUR ROOM!!!!! THERE WILL BE NO MORE PRESENTS!!!!! Earl: It's present time!

Earl's Big Jackpot

B.P. Richfield: [as Earl and his co-workers are clocking off] And where do you think you're going, you walking mounds of refuse?! Earl Sinclair: Err, home, sir. The whistle blew. B.P. Richfield: The whistle?! That wasn't the "time to go home" whistle, you leaky bucket of animal droppings! That was the "keep working or I'll fire your lazy butts" whistle!

Changing Nature

Howard Handupme: Good morning. Last night's massive aerial springs have succeeded in destroying all of the cider poppies. Unfortunately, it also killed all other forms of plant life on the planet. Stan: [sadly] Well, there goes breakfast. Howard Handupme: ...and so it seems the task force solution to the cider poppy problem, has caused an environmental calamity of catastrophic proportions. Baby: Somebody's in trouble. Earl: [happily] Good morning, everyone! Isn't it a beautiful day? Fran: [angrily] Earl, have you looked outside? That spray of yours killed every plant on Earth! Earl: D'oh, pish-posh, Franny! Given the operation of this magnitude just bound to be some unfortunate casualties, but let's not giving the wild hunt purply. [Earl sees the valley with dead plants; Earl gasps in shocked] Duh... maybe we went a little overboard with the poison. Charlene: [shocked in anger] A little? [furious] Your stupid spray killed all plant life! Earl: Hey, what are you complaining about? You n

Changing Nature

B.P. Richfield: What are you whining about now, Sinclair? Earl: Sir, I think we may have gone just a teensy bit too far this time. B.P. Richfield: I don't know what you're talking about. Why, this sudden cold snap is a godsend! Dinosaurs are flocking to stores, buying WESAYSO heaters, WESAYSO blankets, and WESAYSO old-fashioned hot cocoa mix. [Laughs briefly] We're going to have the best third quarter in history. Earl: Uh, sir, I think this could be the last third quarter in history. B.P. Richfield: Oh, don't turn into one of those environmental doomsayers, Sinclair. [Fake whines] Boo hoo, it's raining acid! There's a hole in the ozone! You're hurting Flipper! Bah, bunch of tree hugging pantywaists! They're always standing in the way of progress, and it's our job to pave right over them! Earl: I think you're missing the point, sir. The world may be coming to an end! B.P. Richfield: Well, that's a fourth quarter problem. We'll drop a bomb on that bridge when we come to it. Right now, my

Changing Nature

Earl: Could I have everybody's attention? There's something I have to say. [Sighs] First of all, Stan, I have to apologize to you. Stan the Bunch Beetle: Yeah, sure, whatever. Earl: I now realize that building that wax fruit factory on your mating ground was wrong. Oh, sure, wax fruit's important, but... but so are bunch beetles. Stan the Bunch Beetle: Gee, that's big of you Earl. But I'm still feeling kind of blue. Maybe if there was someone holding me to her comforting bosom...[To Charlene] Hi. Stan the Bunch Beetle: Ooh! I'll take it. Earl: And, I guess I owe the rest of you an apology too. You know, for bringing on the end of the world and civilization and everything. Ethyl: I always knew you'd screw things up. I just didn't know how bad. Fran: Mother, he said he was sorry. Earl: And I know I put too much faith in progress and technology, and had too little respect for nature. [Sad music starts playing the background.] But, it's so easy to take nature for granted because it's alway

Changing Nature

And taking a look at the long-range forecast: continued snow, darkness, and extreme cold. This is Howard Handupme. Good night. [pause] Goodbye.

Georgie Must Die

Fran, I'm sure is just a matter of time, [evil voice] A LIFE TIME!!!!!

Georgie Must Die

Announcer: You're tuned to DNN's Pre-Prime News. And now here's senior correspondent, Howard Handupme. Howard Handupme: And finally, follow-up from last week's Georgie Show melee has sparked a Justice Department Investigation into the Georgie empire, leading to the arrest of Georgie himself on charges of racketeering and tax evasion. In a related story, Earl Sinclair was pardoned of all criminal charges by the Chief Elder who was also apparent. He presented Sinclair a key to the city and thanked him for, in his words: "giving that chuckling carpet bag a well-deserved shot in the chops.". Earl: Yeah, a lot of goodness does me. There's no door in this city.

Repeated lines and catch phrases

Earl: Honey, I'm home. Baby: Not the mama! Baby: I'm the baby, gotta love me! Mr. Lizard: We're going to need another Timmy! B.P. Richfield: Sinclair! In here, now! Roy: Hey there, pally boy.