Quotes

Other

They found him this morning...dead in the water, so to speak.

Dialogue

Chief Wyatt Rash: My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad." Mona Dearly: Yeah? Well life handed me a whole pile of shit. What am I supposed to do with that?! Phil Dearly: Make shit salad?

Dialogue

Bobby Calzone: [Regarding the cost of boneless chicken for the wedding] All right, uh, listen Murph, what's up with the whole chicken thing? You gonna help us out? Murph Calzone: Bobby, look... if you want somebody to sit there and yank the bones out of a hundred chickens, it's gonna run ya money. Bobby Calzone: All right look, but, you're my--y' know, you're the best man at this wedding, Murph... Murph Calzone: I'm not makin' any money on this weddin' as it is! Bobby Calzone: [High-pitched voice cracks] ... You know, you're my brother. Can't ya jist... do a brotherly deboning, or something?

Dialogue

Deputy Tony Carlucci: [to Phil Dearly, after informing him of his wife's death] So, uh...you want to tell Jeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or... Phil Dearly: Yeah! Uh... Deputy Jimmy D: I mean, we'd be more than happy to do it, Phil, you know, it's just that, coming from you it may cushion the blow. Deputy Tony Carlucci: Being that, you know, he's your son and all. Phil Dearly: Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.

Dialogue

Bobby Calzone: Mona Dearly's dead. Ellen Rash: What? Bobby Calzone: She's dead- It was just a- car accident. Ellen Rash: You gotta be kiddin' me. Well- We gotta celebrate! Bobby Calzone: Jesus, God, Ellie she's a human being. Have a little respect. Ellen Rash: I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family. Think how they treated you. Bobby Calzone: How did they treat me? Ellen Rash: Badly! They're a houseful of freaks.

Dialogue

Jeff Dearly: Where's my car? Deputy Jimmy D.: Well Jeff, it's a little bit more serious than your car. Jeff Dearly: Would someone mind tellin me what the hell's goin on? Deputy Tony Carlucci: Your mother drove her car into the lake Jeff, I'm afraid she's dead. Jeff Dearly: What was she doing in my car?

Dialogue

Bobby Calzone: Dude, she's like 13. Jeff Dearly: Finally!

Dialogue

Bobby Calzone: It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches. Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around. Bobby Calzone: Peaches killed Jeff? Chief Wyatt Rash: No, I heard you killed Peaches.

Dialogue

Bobby Calzone: [after Ellen slaps him after explaining what he did] What you do that for? Ellen Rash: [outraged] You killed Mona Dearly! Bobby Calzone: [chastened] I know. Ellen Rash: BUT WHY?! Bobby Calzone: Because I thought I was killing Jeff! Ellen Rash: Bobby, my dad is the chief of police! Bobby Calzone: I know, but I wasn't gonna go through with it. Ellen Rash: It doesn't matter; you killed someone! Bobby Calzone: I know, but I was doing it for us. Jeff was killing the business, and Mona wasn't gonna let me out of the partnership, so - Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Ellen Rash: A good idea at the time? 'Cut the grass at 6:00, lay sod at 7:00, DROWN THE DEARLYS AT 8:00'!

Dialogue

Ellen Rash: Yeah, but you're not even supposed to get that far, you're supposed to have that thing in your head that goes off and says, 'bad FUCKING idea, Bobby!' Bobby Calzone: I have that thing! I have that thing. It just didn't go off. Ellen Rash: [pause] Yeah, well, I'm pregnant. Bobby Calzone: What? You're pregnant? That's great! Ellen Rash: Uh huh! I thought so too, till a moment ago. I can't believe you killed someone! Bobby Calzone: Where ya goin? Ellen Rash: Home! Bobby Calzone: [quietly] We need milk.

Dialogue

Chief Wyatt Rash: Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately? Cubby: You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death? Chief Wyatt Rash: Along those lines. Cubby: Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.

Dialogue

Mona Dearly: Why'd you pull us over Feege? Lt. Feege Gruber: Oh let me think about that Mona, you're riding on rims and you pulled an 1107 on an officer of the law. [to Jeff] What the hell is the matter with you son? Mona Dearly: What did you hurt him for? Lt. Feege Gruber: He's drunk! Mona Dearly: No he ain't! [to Jeff] It's OK baby. [to Feege] You're gonna pay for this Feege! You just lost your lawn service, pal!

Dialogue

Bobby Calzone: [after grabbing the golf club Mona is using to damage Bobby's Yugo] God... this is. I mean, enough's enough. All I ever wanted was a nice professional business so that Ellie and I could have a... Jeff Dearly: [Cuts off Bobby and begins tapping his thumb and middle finger together] Yeah, yeah, yeah... You know what this is? This is the world's smallest tambourine, and it's, and it's playing some sort of song or something. Mona Dearly: Shut up! Shut up! That's a violin, you asshole! Give me that thing, give me that!

Dialogue

Rona Mace: Please, please, Phil, please, I beg you. Please tell me that I didn't spend all this time with you to end up like this. Rona Mace: Don't do this! I'm a 33-year-old waitress at a frigging diner that doesn't encourage tipping! Phil Dearly: 33? Jeff Dearly: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE! Phil Dearly: [nervously] Well, that's uh... Well, me and Rona here are just... Rona Mace: Phil, Jesus Christ, be a man! Jeff, whatever you think is happening in here is happening. Jeff Dearly: [glares at Phil] You're cheating on mom? Phil Dearly: Mom's dead, son? Jeff Dearly: [to Rona, seemingly hurt] Oh, but baby! How could you do this to me! Phil Dearly: Uh, excuse me, did you just say BABY? Cubby: Keep it down over there! I'm paying by the hour! Jeff Dearly: HEY, YOU SHUT UP! Shirley: [next to Cubby in a robe exposing a harness on him] We're good people! Cubby: PLEASE! Have some respect! Shirley: What is the matter with you! You're going to get your whole... Jeff Dearly: [turns back to Ph

Dialogue

Jeff Dearly: [while threatening to kill himself] I know you all think I killed my parents. Chief Wyatt Rash: We don't think you killed anybody! Jeff Dearly: Yeah? Well, you're full of shit! Everyone knows I've been wanting to get back at her ever since that night... Jeff Dearly: Hey, Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours. Mona Dearly: Don't touch that beer, Jeff. Jeff Dearly: [reaches out] Oh, give it to me. Mona Dearly: I SAID... Jeff Dearly: [screams in pain] FUCK! Jeff Dearly: Was I so wrong? Lt. Feege Gruber: You bet your ass. Jeff Dearly: Yeah, but, I didn't kill her. Look, don't get me wrong: I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it. Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff, I know you didn't kill her. Jeff Dearly: I didn't kill my dad neither. Chief Wyatt Rash: Then why don't you give me the gun. Jeff Dearly: [puts the gun to head] BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS, MAN!