Quotes

Dialogue

Reverend Larson: First, I want you to promise that no matter what you do in life, you will never ever settle for average. Young Hal: Yes, sir. Reverend Larson: Second, don't be satisfied with routine poontang. Young Hal: [confused] Huh? Reverend Larson: Don't do what I did. I married for love, and your mother Betty, has been a nightmare. Young Hal: But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian. Reverend Larson: Listen to me, I'm giving you pearls here. And third, find yourself a classic beauty. With a perfect can, and great totties. That will put you in good stead with the Lord. Its all in here. Yes, sir. Hot young tail's what its all about.

Dialogue

Tony: Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Mauricio: Have you heard the song Who Let The Dogs Out?

Dialogue

You had me at "Get lost".

Dialogue

Hal: [noticing Rosemary across the field] Oh my God, there she is. There's Rosemary. Mauricio: [trying to see where she is] Where? Hal: Right there. Mauricio: Right where? Hal: Straight ahead, across the field. Mauricio: Is she behind the Rhino?

Dialogue

Hal: [after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio] Does she take the cake, or what? Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

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She's got CANKLES!

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Doctor: Reverend Larson, your son is here. Reverend: Okay, sure. Send her in.

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Rosemary: Is that a member's only jacket? Mauricio: Yes. Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?

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Mauricio: The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly. Tony: Who says they're ugly? Mauricio: Bausch & Lomb.

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Hey, Hal. Come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M*A*S*H!

Dialogue

Hal: See, the problem is I'm kind of pricky. Tony: What do you mean, pricky? Hal: Well. For instance, I like them real young. Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout? Tony: You're looking for a young Paulina type? Hal: Well, that face. But with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klum's beams would would do, and her teeth. Or, ooh. That Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers, but she's a tad muscular. Uh. Actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too. If she had a better grille. Like, uh. Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did Grease 2. But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kind of like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean? Someone like that. Tony: Hal, don't you think you're being a bit shallow here in the way you look at

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Hal: So what do you weigh, like 110? 115? Rosemary: [sarcastically] Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?

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Hal: Hey there, is this not the most adorable little girl? What is your name, sweetheart? Little girl: Cadence. Hal: Cadence, huh? A perfect name for a perfect little girl. I do not see what is wrong, I mean, she should be starring in commercials. Tell you what Cadence, I am going to hold you until the cows come home. Ugly nurse: Visiting hours are over. Out now! Hal: The cows came home.

Dialogue

Hal: You screwed me, man. I had a beautiful, caring, funny, intelligent woman, and you made her disappear! Mauricio: No, I didn't. I just made Rosemary appear. There's a difference. It's called "reality". Hal: Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it. What keeps it from being real? Mauricio: Third party perspective? Other people agreeing that its real? Hal: Okay, let me ask you a question. Whose the all time love of your life? Mauricio: Wonder Woman. Hal: Okay, well lets say Wonder Woman falls in love with you, right? Would it bother you if the rest of the world didn't find her attractive? Mauricio: Not at all. Cause I know they'd be wrong. Hal: That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout! I don't care what anybody else saw! Mauricio: [realizing] Geez, I never thought about it that way. [laughs] Hey, I guess I really did screw you, huh? Hal: [sighs] What am I gonna do? Mauricio: Hey, hey, don't panic. We just get Tony Robbins back here. He puts the Vulcan mind-meld